In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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[Guest_1055]

I too have been thinking of you. Please know that I care.

Much love

Shelley xx

[Starwolf]

Hey Simona,

Sorry to "see" you in such pain... It seems to me that agonizing over the decision to take or not to take medication is exhausting your resources. First of all, rest assured that I will not try to influence you in any way. Whatever decision you go for is your prerogative only. No one can / should do this for you.

Is trying medication on a short-term basis a viable option ?  Would observing its effects over you as a person - and over your inner turmoil- help you balance the pros and cons ? Are you afraid that the effects of medication may impair your ability to decide whether the trial period is helping or not ?

These days, very little upsets or triggers me... if it happens, it doesn't last long. So if  you feel like letting loose, please feel free to use "reply" to my posts for this. It will not be taken personally. If it can relieve some of the pressure in your head, then go for it. If not, then I'll wait until you feel ready to interact with us again.

You are truly amazing...you are in a lot of pain and though, you worry about the adverse effects it may have on others. You have a big heart Simona. It is a privilege to know you.

[Bluey_moon]

My dear Simona, 

you indeed have a huge heart! Please never be afraid to vent on here! If I can't handle reading it I wont! There are so many people on here giving great support! Starwolf seems so wise and understanding! 

I wish I could give you advise at tge issue you are at war with but I don't know what to tell you! 

My love to you at this hard time xo

[Graceeeeee]

Hey my dear Simona!!

My love and thoughts are with you, I think it's good that you've told the nurse, just to relief some pressure from your brain 😉 But since it already happened don't worry about it too much, I think she will totally understand 🙂

And in the mean time, let me just tell you what an amazing person you are Simona, because you really are, you are always there humouring us with your great sense of humour, and you have a big heart and you "give back", you are a great mother, and you are here as an inspiration to us. You remind me of a lyric from "Hall of Fame" I heard the other day, "You could walk straight through hell with a smile". Because that's how strong you are Simona, I understand how painful it is, what you are going through, but there you are just cheering everyone up, giving back to society, and being there for your family.

I just want to say, oh God, what a legend you are 🙂

Take care Simona!! My love and thoughts are with you ❤️ ❤️ 🙂

With Love,

Grace xx

[Simona]

I'm feeling very betrayed and outed. In particular by my 10 year old who provokes me when no-one is looking then quietly almost whispers looking down at the table; 'you need help'.      That was this morning.   And I was having an ok start to the day.  Despite waking up little agitated because a strange number called me TWICE at 4am and I slept through it. And I don't have friends and I don't know what it was about.  I don't recognize that number and its eating at me.  I called it 3 times this morning and all I hear is this static like low hum and it's doing my head in.  It doesn't even ring.  I will let it rest and try again at 3am

I feel medication will destroy me and the good company I keep. It's a complex thing to try and explain.  Partner doesn't really have a clue because I haven't told him about the other things.  I don't think he would get it but the nurse understood. I hide many things from my partner because 1. Self preservation purposes and 2. because it's for his own good.  Papers too with my thoughts on them stuffed in various places where you wouldn't expect to find them.  I fold some but others just stuffed.   I have been doing that since 21.  Just stuff  don't want partner to find.I really need to clean up soon but I keep putting it off.   I need to shred and delete

Despite my openness on this forum I'm a very private person.  I don't like people messing with my things. I had an actually tug of war with my partner over my laptop on Sunday because he wanted to fix something on it and I didn't want him to touch it.  He gave up when he saw I wasn't going to let go. I had to remind him he's meant to be the sane one so he backed right off but I still didn't get an apology.

Thank-you Starwolf for accepting me as I am.  This forum is my only contact with the outside (besides the mental health people).    I'm feeling the gratitude.  In town I just roam around and sit and watch the people. It's like watching tv which I don't do often because I'm in the other other room with my Ipod Nano. I do enjoy the odd dvd with my 17 year old. We watched the original Psycho on Saturday night but partner went to bed

[Simona]

Sweet Shelley anne  : )

Thank-you.  I will post soon in your walking thread because I have been walking a lot around town when not washing the hallway walls.  Sometimes I come here just to read posts because I can't type what I really want to say.   I think some read what I write but don't know what to say themselves.   Yeah. That's cool. I can't see how many people read my thread anymore so I don't get the paranoia about that.

[Simona]

Grace!   I read your post and I grin with delight : )     What a beautiful flower of a child you are.    I remind you of a lyric ' could walk straight through hell with a smile' - yup. that's me : )     Thank-you so much for the accolades.  I don't know.  I feel weirded out but in a good way.  Grin is now a bashful smile.  I guess I don't get that much merit in real time for my humour/prescence.  Maybe because some people don't get it/get me.   But that nurse with the motherly smile she came mighty close.   I'm going to tentatively use the word 'trust' here.  I'm going to try and TRUST her because she said if I talk to her the other mental health people will leave me alone.

[Graceeeeee]

Hey my dear Simona!!

You say my post puts a grin on your face, whereas intact every time I read your writings, it puts a huge grin or smile on my face too, you always cheer me up with your humour, and I smile because I feel so inspired by your resilience and strength. You have such good writing skills too, sometimes I read the words you use, and that is like top English students writing their beautiful essays, very deep and beautiful words, so have you considered writing your feelings down too? Whenever you feel like it, whenever you have a thought, whenever you feel pain, whenever you come up with a joke, that'd be so beautiful, you can read it and you can choose to post bits here if you like, just throwing some random ideas here, don't get offended if you don't want to, I mean no harm my dear Simona 🙂

And you are always very welcomed, thank you for your compliments too, I really appreciate them and I value your opinions too. You know, speaking of flower, in China there is this special kind of flower called plum blossom, the bloom right through the coldest times of winter and the harshest times of snow, and isn't that exactly what you remind me of my friend, take care Simona, you are beautiful!!

Try to sleep well tonight my dear friend, also, I really liked that metaphor where you said you sit and watch people like watching TV 😉 And don't worry about the phone calls, sometimes when random numbers call me and I call back I get that too, I think they are prank calls Simona 😉

My love and thoughts are with you , try to get a good night sleep my dear friend, I agree with Starwolf. it is a privilege to know you ❤️

With much love to you,

Grace xx

[Simona]

I used to read books.  Maybe that's why I can be good with words.   Today has been a weird day.  I walked around town again. I was feeling like my head was a transmission tower.  I don't know how else to put it. I can't talk about it .  Feeling pretty alone like in a freaky abnormal way. It's like this life NOW is not real and this here, this keyboard, this screen is all a dream. That this is all a dream and when I die I'm going to wake up and i'll  be HOME

[Simona]

Someone is waiting.