Thank you for those kind words, Simona (you too Amazing Grace !).
I can relate to your defiance and anger at the undeserved harm that was done to you. Those feelings are not only justified, but they can be the drive not to let our tormentors win. Like with all else, there's a positive side to negative feelings. It is mostly about our response to those feelings. They can engulf us or we can canalize their flow in a more creative direction.
As children, we are helpless, totally dependent on a sometimes cruel adult world around us. "Human"predators lurk around, waiting to take advantage of youthful innocence and vulnerability. I know, I was gang raped as a teenager by people I was foolish enough to trust.
Those experiences turned me into a feral young thing. As youngsters, we can only react according to what we know and have experienced. This is "normal", the only game we can play with the cards that were dealt to us. We had no control over those given cards. Those around us at the time had couldn't cope and blamed us for being "bad"...adding guilt to the equation. It has taken me many years and a lot more experience -good and bad- to realize that a poor start in life doesn't have to mean a life sentence. To hell if I was going to let it ruin the rest of it. No way I was going to turn into one of them, although I was aware how easily it could happen.
So cherish your defiant side Simona, the anger, frustration, fear, the obsession with control etc...they all can be put to good use and help you get where you want to go. You wouldn't have wanted to know me in my youthful years...I had become a bundle of aggressive resistance, I couldn't give a toss who got hurt. My sensitivity was turning into petrified rock. To the point where I was losing track of it. But gradually, I became aware of what was happening and why it did. It took a lot of work, a lot of mud stirring...
A lotus is a glorious thing. It is rooted in mud at the bottom of a lake. From there, a stem works its way up through dark, murky water. Finally, it breaks the surface and blooms in a magical display of colour and subtle but intoxicating scent. All this beauty nourished by decaying mud in the depths.
Simona, there is no sense in blaming yourself for what happened in the past. You were playing the game with cards you didn't choose. You are obviously strong, resilient, intelligent, sensitive, a devoted mother. You also have good staying power. There's a lot in you that touches me deeply.
Please take care.
