I've had enough of being a nobody -just need to vent

[Lee lee 73]

I know what I feel but struggle to find the words.

I've had clinical depression for 10yrs. Numerous suicide attempts and hospitalisations.

I think about suicide every single day. Can't remember a day where I haven't. Everyday I wish I was dead and to miraculously not wake up. My family are toxic, I've never had a loving relationship, never felt mutually cared for or loved, never been proposed to, never married, never had kids. As a woman i feel embarrassed and ashamed of this. Feel ostracized because of this and so struggle to have things in common to form strong female friendship. My only support network is my psychologist but after5yrs of therapy I'm done talking. Done sounding like a broken record.

Yes, I know I dwell on what I don't have but this has not always been the case. I triedd and tried and tried. I'm sick of hesrinf my own thoughts 24/7 year after year. I've had enough. No one really knows what it's like to live totally alone year after year. I can't help but dwell on this. It's not natural to not have been loved, it's not what being human is about, I'm not human. I'm a nobody.

[Ggrand]

Hello Lee, Deebi and all..

Lee hun..please believe me that you are NOT burdening me at all by talking to me and releasing your pain, hurt here on your thread...I need you to do that because then I know that even though you are doing it hard that you are okay..I can’t put into words what I mean...it’s like I’ve grown to carecso deeply for you and when you go quiet..My mind gets the better of me and I begin to worry about you....No pressure at all to reply..

Your new job would be making you both physically and mentally tired...Its good that your psychologist is thinking about you and caring enough about you to set up an awith a psychiatrist, regarding new meds...I don’t think your on any atm..I might be wrong..(which is the usual for me)...I think it was the monthly trial that werecall you were taking for your mh...Is meds something you’ll consider at all?

How is your lovely princess Izsy getting along with Zac...Has Zac grown any?....although that’s a silly question😂...He would have had to...I hope your fur family is keeping you entertained as well as giving you lots of loving cuddles....and some laughs..😁...

Honestly Lee you are not a burden to me..and I know our beautiful Deebi wouldn’t think that as well...we want to be here for you dear friend..Please allow us to be....

Sending you some love and hugs dear lovely Lee 💜💜🤗🤗🤗🤗...

Grandy..

[Lee lee 73]

Hello lovely Grandy and Demonblaster,

Thank you for your posts. I'm sorry to say, I'm struggling to keep on going. I can't seem to get past this. I'm just on automatic pilot. I do things because I have a responsibility to go to work and appointments but that's about it. I so want to escape my life right now.

Grandy you are right in that I'm not on any medication apart from the trial meds.

Demonblaster, I'm a carer in residential aged care.

When I am at work i am able to put everything aside. It's like I have 2 personalities but the thoughts are still there.

I'm just taking each moment at a time.

Thank you for always caring beautiful Grandy. You are always in my thoughts. Thanks demonblaster.

I truly hope everyone is ok.

Love Lee xx

[Ggrand]

Dearest lovely Lee...

I felt your pain listening to your words 😢...tears welled up..I’m deeply sorry your struggling so much....

Lee is medication something you would consider trying?..I ask because since I’ve been on my current meds I am feeling so much better then I have for a long time...I will say that I still have very low days but the pulling out is easier then before I was on meds....Taking meds is a decision that only you can make....I just wanted to share what they are doing for me...

Is their some way you can go off automatic pilot by breaking your routine up a little to make time for something that you like doing..Do still ride your bike, or go for walks along the beach?...

I want to ask you something..but it’s a bit hard to...but I will anyway...has Zac been causing you any anxiety...I mean are Izsy and Zac doing okay together or are your constantly trying to divide your home time by giving your time completely to them because of them not getting on together and you need to keep them apart...If I saidcany wrong I didn’t mean to...

I’m so very concerned about you...you sound so down, tired worn out...please don’t ever give up...I know it’s hard..and you’ve heard it before...but sweety things can and do change....Please believe in this..that their really is something good around the corner...

I seen your post on liking ourselves and want to thank you..I wanted to say those words so much but I was afraid to...

Lee..if it okay I would like to hold your 🤚 tightly enough so you feel my love and care for you... know I care very deeply for you....and hope with all the hope I have left that you will be ok ..

Sending you love and hugs dear Lee...and Deebi...and all..💜🤗..

Grandy...

[Lee lee 73]

Hello beautiful friend,

Grandy, there is never anything good around the corner - ever. Every day is ground hog day.

I understand what you say about medication because it has helped me in the past. I'm just struggling to see the point in anything...so sorry to be so negative my friend.

Yes, things with Iszy and Zac have affected me a little - It's silly I know. They are only separated now at night. But I feel bad I have disrupted Iszy's world and that I don't have the energy to have enough play time with Zac, in order for him to exert his energy. He is too boisterous for Iszy...and me. But I love him so dearly.

I have no interest in anything at the moment.

I could have been more subtle in my reply on the '...like ourselves..' thread but Grandy, it really erks me when people seem to refuse to acknowledge what really does go on in this world.

I'm so sorry I haven't been on your thread my friend. You are doing so well lovely lady...with both your good and bad days. I've missed talking to you beautiful lady. Thank you for being you.

Thinking of you always,

Returned love and hugs,

Lee

[Ggrand]

Hello Lovely Lee...

I can relate to every day being ground hog day..I suppose that’s how I’m living as well most days...I think that things in those days change daily..I mean we might be living and doing the same things day in and day out...everything else around us is different..and we can use these things to think of other things instead of negatives...eg..while I was doing my usual of laying on my lounge it started to rain...and idk it was different so I got myself up..and went onto my veranda and watched it and my thinking changed.. Thunder storms I’m not a fan of..and we get them so strong at times...My negative thoughts are no focused on my fur children..trying to calm them down..they are not scared mostly and love to bark at the thunder...but when the thunder is close and loud..I’m their protector..I don’t know why I am saying what I am.. except to let you know that we/you can change the drudgery of each day by looking at nature and feeling it...The clouds, ocean, sand, wind, sun..they go about their daily job* but if you really look at them..they are never the same..they change..your negatives will change sweetheart..just hang in their..you have had happies and they are good..worth so much fighting to have them again...please believe in you...the positives will be back and when they do..grab them with every fibre of you...

Your beautiful patients...although you probably care for them daily in the same routine... I could imagine that you make a huge difference to them..with bits of chit chatting..different each day?..your most likely the highlight of their day...

Im concerned about you Lee..I want only good times for and peace for you...I’m sorry if I haven’t made any sense at all...but please know that we herecat BB..care so much for you....

Sending you stashes of hugs..🐻🤗..and love 💜.

Grandy..

[demonblaster]

Hi Lee Grandy and all ☺

Poor darl it's really hard isn't it when our heads continuosly convince us there's nothing to be happy about. It's not true lovey don't believe depressions lies. You said there's nothing around the corner. The wonderful thing about the unknown future is time doesnt stop & brings on change.
Often it could be something small happens out of the Blue that can give even a slight slither of light

Lovely you're a carer. Nursing home with elderly? Carer is that the same as a nurse. Few questions don't feel obliged to reply if you dont feel up to. I can pick up along the way I know how hard it can be to talk at times.

I found with depression what can help is knowing what the cause/s are.

There are so many different strategies therapies I'm learning reading posts here lovey don't give up there is hope. What Grandys suggesting being amongst nature can be vitalising also being out amongst people and life can give us a needed break from our heads. Taking in and focusing on natures beauty flowers trees I hear you like the beach water has an amazing cathartic affect on us.

I've found also casting my mind to places I enjoy or activities good memories etc, allows a break from continuous negatives hounding. It also can trigger the happies we felt in those times. The more positives we can have in our minds the less time for negative to rule us. One thought at a time for most of us I think.

None of this is easy or overnight lovey but depression & I dont know if you have anxiety can be managed and overcome ultimately for most people.

Hard getting the energy and motivation I know to be proactive but when we do it's highly rewarding even small achieves are wins opposed to living in pain at a constant which is as you knows misery.

Lee we all have strength hun it's buried atm but it is there. We're born with survival it's an instinct. We just need to learn to find and use the tools we do have and can do. Belief we can gives us a booming head start.

Truly from what I've seen of you Lee you're a good lovely person, you deserve to be happy.

I join our beautiful Grandy 🤝 taking your hand and walking with you if you're ok with that. Not sure how I'll go if you say no 😄 looks like youre stuck with me ☺

Catch ya later darl ⚘

🕊

[Ggrand]

Hello lovely Lee...

Thank you for calling in to mine and the caring words you have said..I feel bad not popping in to say hello..

How are you feeling sweety?...Is your new job going okay and your managing okay....

I often think about you but don’t want to make you feel pressured to reply..in saying that their is no pressure to reply to me....

Do you still go for the park run Saturday mornings?

How is Izzy and Jac getting along now...oh so many questions I’m asking you...I hope it’s okay though...

Im sitting out on my front veranda as I’m talking to you..it was minus 3 last night and I can’t believe how beautiful today is just to sit iin the sun...it’s warming my skin and making me itchy😂..

I really do hope you have some light in your light dear friend...

Please look after you...and be nice to you...

Looking forward to finding out how your doing lovely Lee...but no pressure...but...

Love and hugs Lee..💜💜🤗.

Grandy..

[Lee lee 73]

Hello beautiful Grandy,

Thank you for your post my dear friend. Grandy it is me that owes you an apology. ..and you too DB, for not replying to both of yours here on mine. DB, thank you to you too.

I don't really know what's going on in my head to be honest. I'm on a different medication which started working ok to begin with..........but....not anymore. I'm still managing to go to work. I started going to pilates today only because I told my psychiatrist I would.

Work is good. All my shifts are 2.30 - 10.30pm. We have lovely residents and I work with some nice people.

My furbabies and Iszy are still are still both as beautiful as ever. Still not getting on but are ok. Zac is my little cuddle buddy. He is so sweet.

I just can't seem to escape me 😢.

I don't do much else but work and sleep.....and feel like an idiot in pilates. I haven't been to parkrun for ages...

Grandy, you are in my thoughts often - that is the honest truth beautiful friend. I hope you are doing better than ok (to use your words ). Be proud of you ❤.

I hope you are good DB.

Thank you Grandy. Sending you love and hugs back to you 💜❤.

Love Lee

[Ggrand]

Hello Lovely Lee..

Please don’t apologise..you have nothing to apologise for..sweety your not well and we understand...but it’s so good to hear from you..I missed you...

Im pleased that you have nice people to work with..that makes a huge difference in our lives...I like the hours your doing..especially in summer it will be cooler for you traveling to and from work as well as air conditioner all day...

I think eventually both Izzy and Zac will in time work things out for themselves...it’s nice that like Izzy..Zac loves to cuddle up to you....

Awe Lee..in time you will do good with Pilates. It takes time to get into it..you should have seen me in hospital with tia chia...I have not good balance and I had to keep saving me from falling😂..

Can you check back with your dr about your meds.maybe an adjustment is needed..it took 5 lots of different meds until they got it right for me...it’s important hun that you speak to your gp again...

Have the trials stopped now?...

Thats okay about the park run..it’s always their if you feel to do again....

I hope your day today is a good day dear lovely Lee...I’ll be back later if that’s okay..I need to get ready for work now, but just wanted to pop in to say hello and remind you of the love and care I have for you..🤗🤗🤗..

Grandy...

[Lee lee 73]

Hello lovely Grandy,

I'm not particularly worried about my furbabies. Yeah it would be nice if they cuddled up together but it's all good.

I like my work hours too Grandy, I'm not a morning person and nor am I a fan of night time - too hard. So it's good my nights are now busy. My psychiatrist gave me a script to top up my meds if I felt the need. I'm the same as you Grandy, I think I'm on my 9th different type of meds. But even on my good days I feel sad and just want to cry. I know we can't depend on medication alone but I don't think I want to help myself anymore.

I have only 2 treatments left on the trial (this Thursday and next month ) They have been monthly for 6 months. Apparently, the other participants are also not doing so well on the monthly treatments.

I hope you had a good day at work Grandy. Now it's my turn to get ready for work. I missed you too Grandy. ...thank you. No need to reply dear friend. You have so much more going on. I will be ok.

Lots of love and care to you Grandy.

Love always ❤

Lee