I've had enough of being a nobody -just need to vent

[Lee lee 73]

I know what I feel but struggle to find the words.

I've had clinical depression for 10yrs. Numerous suicide attempts and hospitalisations.

I think about suicide every single day. Can't remember a day where I haven't. Everyday I wish I was dead and to miraculously not wake up. My family are toxic, I've never had a loving relationship, never felt mutually cared for or loved, never been proposed to, never married, never had kids. As a woman i feel embarrassed and ashamed of this. Feel ostracized because of this and so struggle to have things in common to form strong female friendship. My only support network is my psychologist but after5yrs of therapy I'm done talking. Done sounding like a broken record.

Yes, I know I dwell on what I don't have but this has not always been the case. I triedd and tried and tried. I'm sick of hesrinf my own thoughts 24/7 year after year. I've had enough. No one really knows what it's like to live totally alone year after year. I can't help but dwell on this. It's not natural to not have been loved, it's not what being human is about, I'm not human. I'm a nobody.

[Ggrand]

Hello Lovely Lee..

Please Lee, take good care of you...I’m really pleased you wake up daily...hun..your new job starts soon...How many days or hours per week will you be working?...I remember you saying your hours were cut from your other job, and you needed more hours to be active and distracted...

Im sitting with you tonight dear Lee, If that’s okay..your last post has me really concerned for you....RUOK?.....Lee....No pressure to reply Lovely lady...I’m not going any where..💕..

sending you much love and hugs dear Lee...🤗🤗 your important and very special to me Lee......Please take care of you...💕👼..

Grandy....

[Lee lee 73]

Hello lovely Grandy,

You're a beautiful and caring friend Grandy...I'm sorry to have concerned you hon.

I'm truly struggling, it feels like I'm sinking further, my mood has plumented...but do you know I got to thinking, my hot flushes have started back again so maybe it's hormonal as well - and pmsing too. Plus I'm not exercising (only yesterday ) or eating properly. I'm my own worst enemy me thinks. I looked at the app you mentioned. It's a good idea...I too struggle with challenging my thoughts Grandy mainly because I have trouble deciphering between thoughts and facts. I need to at least try though. Thank you for sharing the app with us Grandy - I did see it on your thread too.

Grandy I just want to say, you never talk too much beautiful friend. Your posts are always comforting and put a smile on my face....I am truly grateful for our friendship Grandy and Iove that we're getting to know each other. .even if it is only online.

I hope you are able to sleep tonight my dear friend. Please, you take care of you too. ...thank you for sitting with me. .... thank you for saying you're glad I do wake up..

Sending you love and care too beautiful lady. ..and hugs.. be kind to yourself ❤

Lots of returned love

Lee

[Ggrand]

Hello lovely Lee,

Thats okay , I listened to you previous post and felt your pain so much...because I also feel tired of being me a lot of the time..and get sick of waking up to nobody and nothing to do..I just completely understood your pain and got really scared for you....🤗

Im really sorry that your sinking deeper into your depression,,,Lee your not you’re depression, your so much stronger than that little voice invading your mind....Try as hard as you can to disregard what you hear it saying, do the complete opposite, believe the complete opposite of what beasty is telling you...Choof..Choof..Choof..it off 🤜👿🤛..Inknow you can do it. I believe in you dear friend....

Your amazing..over the past 6 months, you’ve sold your home, you bought a new home, bought you and Izsy a new fur buddy..applied and got a new job...So Much hun, you’ve done on you’re own..I’m so very proud of you..

Not sure when your two days of orientation is for your new job...I know you’ll do good..Just letting you know I also have faith in you....

lee ..please be kind and gentle to you....meaning to try as hard as you can to eat healthy meals 3 x per day..drink plenty of fluids, and when you feel up to it a little exercise is also beneficial....although I think once you start working in the new nursing home, you’ll have plenty of exercise..😁...🏋️‍♀️...

Please keep talking here when you need to...we are here for you to try to help support you...We care deeply about you lovely Lee..I’ll sit with you again tonight lovely lady, and each night until you are feeling stronger...holding your hand while you rest your tired self on my shoulders....

Much love 💕 and caring warm hugs 🤗🤗..sweet dreams Lee...good night ..

Grandy..

[demonblaster]

Hi there Lee ☺ and everyone

Just tagging Lee I'd like to support you too ☺

Hope todays a bit well a lot easier on you.

See you later darl oh and still adoring your beautiful kitten.

Hi beautiful Grandy 🤗

[Ggrand]

Happy Easter Lee..Iszy and Zac....


I’m popping in here with some Easter goodies for you all...
For Iszy and Zac, I have a catnip egg each...for you dear friend I have some Easter eggs, Easter bunnies and a little crystal jar full of happiness..when your sad, just open the little crystal jar and you will be reminded of some happy times you’ve had with your gorgeous fur family.....

I so much hope your doing okay dear friend..


Love and hugs dear friend..💕🤗,.
Grandy..

[Ggrand]

Hello Lee...and waving to you Deebi........

Just popping in to see how your feeling lovely lady..I hope your feeling better then okay and your looking after you..

RUOK?...

Thinking of you....Please honey be safe...Looking forward to hearing how you and your two precious fur buddies....💜...🤗🤗..

much love and hugs..💜🤗🤗..

here if you need to talk..

Grandy...

[Ggrand]

Hello lovely Lee...

Just popping in to say hello and ask you...RUOK.?

No pressure or rush to answer, I’m just getting a little concerned about you...

Its okay if your not feeling up to replying, just know that I’m thinking of you and hope your doing better then okay...

Love and hugs dear Lee...💜🤗.

Grandy.

[Lee lee 73]

Hello Grandy beautiful friend,

I'm not doing so good. But will be ok. I saw my psychologist who now wants me to see psychiatrist regarding new meds. I'm just so tired especially starting a new job too. But it is what it is. I don't want to burden you dear friend. And I know others have it worse...

I truly appreciate your posts lovely lady - please know that ❤😙

Thank you for saying hello Demonblaster.

love Lee

[Lee lee 73]

...p.s...always thinking of you too dear friend. Hope you are ok. ..I hope everyone is ok ❤

Lee

[demonblaster]

Good to see you Lee ☺ hey Grandy 🤗 and all

Huns I at times read parts of your thread. It's awful isn't it being so low. Something what I hold onto is I believe we all have what we need to get out of the downs. We're born with survival it gets buried with beasty (depression).

There as you might have covered with your psych quite a few ways of us using these tools to help.

To name some..

• Meditation
• Mindfulness
• Liking ourselves
• Self talk
• Positive thoughts.

I'll be back later darl. Although you're very sweet saying you don't want to burden our beautiful Grandy, this is what bb is for. It's a place for us to unload. I know without a doubt Grandy would want you opening up and I too want to try and help ☺

Anytime would love to hear about your growing puddy tat family... and you recently moved? And new job I saw. Sorry memories blotchy atm you're a nurse? I was too.

Ok Lee Lee. Hold on darlin there really is better than this and it's so much easier getting there with belief not only in yourself but that there is ways.

Cya later ☺