I've had enough of being a nobody -just need to vent

[Lee lee 73]

I know what I feel but struggle to find the words.

I've had clinical depression for 10yrs. Numerous suicide attempts and hospitalisations.

I think about suicide every single day. Can't remember a day where I haven't. Everyday I wish I was dead and to miraculously not wake up. My family are toxic, I've never had a loving relationship, never felt mutually cared for or loved, never been proposed to, never married, never had kids. As a woman i feel embarrassed and ashamed of this. Feel ostracized because of this and so struggle to have things in common to form strong female friendship. My only support network is my psychologist but after5yrs of therapy I'm done talking. Done sounding like a broken record.

Yes, I know I dwell on what I don't have but this has not always been the case. I triedd and tried and tried. I'm sick of hesrinf my own thoughts 24/7 year after year. I've had enough. No one really knows what it's like to live totally alone year after year. I can't help but dwell on this. It's not natural to not have been loved, it's not what being human is about, I'm not human. I'm a nobody.

[Lee lee 73]

Hello dear Grandy,

I'm so sorry, I've tried to write a reply 3 times. ..but I'm a bit emotional at the moment. ..if it's ok, I'll write a proper reply later.

Grandy, I can't remember ever not feeling this way about me...

I'm so sorry beautiful lady for upsetting you. I do hope you are ok.

Thank you for being you gorgeous lady. Love you too ❤.

Love always

Lee

P.S omg..... yes...my toes....ouchyyyyyy

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Lee,

Thats okay beautiful friend, take your time to reply, there no need to reply if you don’t feel up to it...

Is it okay if I come to your tonight and keep you company..🤗 dear Lee, We can sit down quietly if you want to or if you feel to dear friend put your head on my shoulder and let those tears fall..I have a special cloud soft towel to dry your eyes...Then a cool damp cloth to cool them off.... I got hold of your hands Lee and I’ll not let you go.....

Oh I made two very soft Pom poms..The bright pink one is for Iszy...it’s got some noisy plastic strips Pom Pommed, into it..so nice and noisy for here....The bright blue one is the same, but a little smaller..also with plastic made into it....They are both on a long piece of string that you can hang in the doorway and adjust the length.....😁 Oh Little Zac is climbing up the string, look at him,,Oh no..now he’s on your curtains, look out he’s jumping, right into you lap....Izsy is jumping around and flicking her Pom Pom all over the place, look how high she jumps wow, Izsy is having so much fun....Just try sweetheart to relax your thoughts and use the antics of your gorgeous fur buddies for doing some mindfulness...

Lee...It’s okay, I’m okay just hurt because I care a lot for you....and I know how much of a gentle, lovely, beautiful soul you have......Can I ask you if I said the same to you..How would you feel? What would you say to me???..rhetorical lovely friend...

Please Lee, be ever so gentle and caring toward you... as you would be to me....You matter to me a huge lot..

Sending you big love and hugs..💜🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗..Dear Lee,

Grandy..

[Lee lee 73]

Hello Grandy

Thank you for sitting with me lovely lady. Thank you for being you ❤.

I think I'm sinking again dear friend 😢.

I hate this so much. Why does it keep coming back to torture us....it is so not fair. I'm running out of steam - have fallen off the wagon.

It doesn't help I've only been working 2,3 days a week with only 4hr shifts. Everyones hours have been cut. Starting to stress financially. I need to keep busy with work otherwise my mh declines. I still question if my mh is now more environmental -is loneliness the cause of my mh??? If I had a good connection with faulty or had a partner (or both even) , would I still feel lonely? Would I still be depressed? Just thinking out loud here. I feel like a freak and a waste of space for having neither. If only I wasn't so needy....how does one not want to be loved (in all its forms). .?...I'm still wondering. ......

Lee

[Ggrand]

Dear lovely Lee,

Im always here for you when I’m able to be sweety...

I read your post and really had to think about it..

Wanting to be loved...Oh yes big time I would love to be loved in r/l...but I have lost my trust to get close enough for anyone to love me....I feel like an inconvenience to my sons, they don’t ring...youngest does msg..but it would be nice to hear his voice...I have found people who love me here on BB....I would give anything to meet them...This is my lifeline..I feel loved and cared for here, it’s a beautiful feeling, but I really miss being hugged..I haven’t had people contact for so long now..and that hurts a lot...I really don’t know how people do not want to be and know what love is...

It won’t be long until you start you new job..I’m not sure if you will have more days, hours etc..but I hope you do, if that’s what you want dear Lee...

I looked up dr google and found that loneliness can cause depression, especially in adults...I’m truely sorry Lee, I wish that you could find a group or club that you could join and develop a good friendship with a member or two...It hard for me to suggest good for you...I’ve not had friends, I was afraid to have friends..(reasons)..I don’t know how to socialise, but I’m learning...I don’t go out to develop friendships, or meet people...im to scared to...but I miss being hugged 🤗 so much at times that I 😢.....I just so much wished that you had a close friend to share your life with...Deebi has a thread called “Loneliness what are our choices”. It had lots of ideas on there, maybe if you feel like it you might have a little read...it might help to give you some ideas..

Sweety.., iI hope you have a good sleep tonight, with sweet dreams.....thinking of you often lovely friend.......I knitted you a pair of kitten proof socks 🧦 only took me a few seconds to do...while you wear them..Little Zac can chew on the sock and you won’t feel him.... 🐈 🐈....I hope both Izsy and Zac are doing okay...

How are you feeling today lovely Lee....Sending you my love 💜, hugs🤗, and care⛑..
Grandy..

[Ggrand]

Good night lovely Lee.🌹....adorable Izsy and Zac..

Thinking of you lovely lady and hoping you have a beautiful and restful sleep with special dreams of peace..

RUOK.?....

Sitting with you tonight dear friend....Ohh I found a chocolate 🍫 outside Peppys thread......I thought I would share it you....shhh...shhh..🤫..our secret...

Love and hugs..Dearest Lee....💜🤗..

Grandy...

[Lee lee 73]

Hello dear Grandy,

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your friendship love and care.

I have been hiding under a rock..... am starting to poke my head out. I hope you will forgive me dear friend for being so distant. I feel weird Grandy, my mood has been relatively ok but my head my thoughts so debilitating. Probably just wallowing in self pity....

Iszy and Zac are going pretty good. Iszy still chases and growls at Zac but at least her hissing has stopped. Zac is such a handsome little man. Still so full of beans but he is still a kitten. I love my afternoon naps with him and so look forward to my morning cuddles with my baby girl. These two beautiful babies have kept me going. Thank you for their lovely gifts and my slippers to protect my toes....his teeth are so sharp....

I have 2 days of orientation next week with my new job then my shifts will start the week after. I'm feeling both anxious and excited which is to be expected.

Sending you my love and care dear Grandy. .you are always in my thoughts. ..that is the truth 💕💕.

Love Lee

[Lee lee 73]

......... and thank you the chocolates and for sitting with me 💕❤

Lee

[Ggrand]

Hello Lee,

You have nothing at all to be sorry about Lee, I understand about being depressed and cocooning or hiding under a rock, you need to do what you have to do...to look after yourself the best we can....if that makes sense...I’m pleased to hear that you’re slowly emerging from your rock sweety...Sometimes I get scared that I talk to much to people and I get annoying..if I am please let me know....I can get to much at times ..I know.....

Lee..is it possible to try to distract your thoughts or challenge them...I found an app called thought diary, where you write down your thoughts, and there’s a section as well that you challenge those thoughts...I’m finding it hard to do. 😁 I’ll continue trying to..

Im pleased that Iszy and Zac are becoming better adjusted to each other...They will later on become the best of friends....Our pets are our reason aren’t they? Without us they will never get the love or care we give them...I consider myself very honoured to be given the chance to be my fur buddies carer...I know you would be feeling the same about your gorgeous Izsy and mischievous Zac...

Good luck sweety on your orientation next week..I was thinking about how many people applied for those jobs..probably hundreds and you got the job...Im Proud of you..and you’re new employers can see the kind and beautiful person you are....because they selected you out of possibly a hundred or so applicants...💜💥.. I can imagine how you would be feeling both of those emotions...I have a lot of belief in you..I know you will do good..and I really hope you will enjoy it....

Try not to forget to breathe dearest Lee..come on we can do some now, if you want to...just hold my hands and we’ll do it together...in for 5....hold for 6.....and out for 5....again, let’s do it 3 times....Gets the blood oxygen level up , makes us feel better...

Good Night Dearest Lee.. I’m wishing you a deep relaxing sleep with the sweetest of dreams ever...

Much love 💕 and hugs 🤗 lovely Lee..

Grandy..

[Lee lee 73]

I'm tired of b

[Lee lee 73]

I'm tired of being me, so so tired..I don't like waking up. ... so sorry to be writing this....I'm ok...i will be back later.

Thank you beautiful Grandy ...will be back soon xxoo

Lee