I've had enough of being a nobody -just need to vent

[Lee lee 73]

I know what I feel but struggle to find the words.

I've had clinical depression for 10yrs. Numerous suicide attempts and hospitalisations.

I think about suicide every single day. Can't remember a day where I haven't. Everyday I wish I was dead and to miraculously not wake up. My family are toxic, I've never had a loving relationship, never felt mutually cared for or loved, never been proposed to, never married, never had kids. As a woman i feel embarrassed and ashamed of this. Feel ostracized because of this and so struggle to have things in common to form strong female friendship. My only support network is my psychologist but after5yrs of therapy I'm done talking. Done sounding like a broken record.

Yes, I know I dwell on what I don't have but this has not always been the case. I triedd and tried and tried. I'm sick of hesrinf my own thoughts 24/7 year after year. I've had enough. No one really knows what it's like to live totally alone year after year. I can't help but dwell on this. It's not natural to not have been loved, it's not what being human is about, I'm not human. I'm a nobody.

[Lee lee 73]

I don't have the courage to give up. That's what hurts the most. I'm tired of keeping on going. It's tiring amusing one's self. It passes but it comes back because I'm still me. I'm just nothing. I'm so sorry

[Tess2]

Well I am glad you don’t have the courage . I will come to sit with you through the new year and we will talk about some of the positive things we can do in 2019

tess

[Ggrand]

Hello Lovely Lee...

HAPPY NEW YEAR sweetheart....

Im very pleased that you don’t have the courage to do that...I love you and will be devastated if you did....Please try as hard as you can to believe that you Will get well...I believe that we can....belief is important..Please believe sweety....I’ll be here with you the most I can be...I’ve grown to really care and love you and I don’t ever give up on my friends......I hold my friends close to my heart always.....

entertaining ourself can be difficult...I go for music now, old songs I know the words of and I pretend I’m the star I’m the singer and I’ll turn it up loud and I will sing to it....maybe give that a try.....or dance to the music as you walk along your beach, kicking up the sand and water as you dance along the shoreline...Sit down somewhere and watch the surfers? Surf, the children playing in the sand and/or water......I wish I could be their with you, we would have some fun....

Always here for you dear friend when I can be.....I have another psychiatrist appointment tomorrow, yesterday’s appointment was hard tomorrow probably harder....I’ll get through this, because I feel like I need to for you and my other friends here, the readers only here and me...please be okay dearest loveliest Lee...🐞🕷🕸🦉🐥🐣🌈🎊🌹🌹🌹👀👂🤝...Iszy needs you beautiful..and so do I ..and others here...

Sending you love..💚💚💚 and hugs special friend 🤗🤗🤗🤗..

Grandy👼.l

[Lee lee 73]

Hello dear Grandy and Tess,

Thank you so so much for your support. ...thank you for hearing me. It truly means a lot to me.

I know I should be more positive at the beginning of the new year.....but I feel I can't ....I so hate this time of year. ...

I do do all the things you mentioned Grandy, I hope you do believe me dear friend. I guess what I meant to say was (but didn't because I didn't want to sound more pathetic ) I don't want to things on my own anymore. It's so damn heartbreaking and soul destroying 😢😢. It isn't fair. I don't know what I've done so so wrong. But I still do things, because it is what it is. Some days are just more overwhelming than others I guess. It just hurts 😢. I try to connect with others. This passed week I made an effort to contact 3 'acquaintances' to go for a walk coffee etc. They were all busy but I get that. It just proves people have their own lives. It is just a huge effort for me to ask in the first place, I have to talk myself into it, then I stupidly look forward to the idea then nothing happens. It's just so much easier to not bother anyone in the first place. So I don't. I don't want to run away from life, I want to escape me.... I don't belong. .

On a lighter note, Grandy, I painted a feature wall in my lounge room and 4, I guess you would call them 'alcaves' ?????. They were a dark terracotta colour - too harsh a colour for me so I painted over it in a very very light blue. I hated what I had done at first (naturally lol) but now I love it - so much calmer. I just need to do some 'touching up' and do a wall in my bedroom. I am definitely not creative - and I am being kind - I can barely draw stick figures 😆. When I ride to the beach, I mostly go for a walk then sit and watch the ocean, sometimes 😢. I do also like to go for a swim - depending on the weather and blue bottles. I love that you used to body surf Grandy. I would love to try it, but I'd feel like a fool trying.

Now that I'm in my own home, I'm looking for a kitten - a sibling for Iszy 😻😻❤

Thank you for your beautiful words Grandy. I don't know what to say beautiful lady..... you are a special special friend to me too 💓. You have been a constant support since I first posted. Words can't express how grateful and appreciative I am to have you for a true friend.

I hope you're appointment with psych goes/went ok. Please feel free to talk it through if you need to.

Thank you so much too Tess. You're in my thoughts also dear friend.

Lee

[blondguy]

Hi Lee

I really hope that you have been reasonably okay even through this busy period of the year. I only wanted to touch base and say thank-you for being a part of the Beyond Blue forum family 🙂

Just for your info....this is my 22nd year on AD's after I had 2 GP's reading me the riot act back in 1996 as I was a total mess with depression and trying to work at the same time..ugh. Just some good news for you..I hope!

Grandy's super kind support is a gift to anyone on the forums and on your thread here too 🙂

Anyhoo....I hope that 2019 is good to you Lee...I hope I can be of some help to you this year...There is no such thing as a dumb question on the forums!

my kind thoughts for you always

Paul

[Lee lee 73]

I feel like a homeless person except I have a job and a roof over my head. I know reading this may sound exaggerated to some people but I have nothing else...apart from those 2 things.

Yes, I do have my cat, who I love dearly. ..and if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be here. But, at the end of the day, she is not human.

Having no immediate family of my own and having parents and siblings that continuously take from me (before I become estranged ) is soul destroying. No words can describe how lonely and empty it feels. When I die, that's it. The complete end.

I've been fending for myself for as long as I can remember. I 've never been one to ask for help. Never been one to approach others first. Maybe it stems from being too scared to speak as a kid...growing up with an alcoholic father with a temper to match. I do a lot of reading here on this forum. To be completely honest, 90% of the time I write a reply but always hit the cancel button because I don't feel worthy enough to post. Hence my thread title of being a nobody. So I have a truly genuine and sincere question - how do I get the most out of this forum? I'm really really sad atm. No matter what I do, nothing is working. I'm seeing a psychologist but she is on leave until February 😢

[Tess2]

Dear Lee,

your post touched me deeply. You are NOT a nobody. You are managing a life, that is huge.

you write thoughtful, kind and considered replies to people when you do post. They certainly make me feel valued and thought of. You are holding down a job, I am not doing that. You have a home that is a significant achievement, and you have your lovely cat.

You can make human connection and it doesn’t have to be a partner. Children aren’t always all that people make them out to be.

If you want to get the most out of the forum I would encourage you to post your replies and on continue your own thread. Your replies are as valid as anyone else’s . You always show empathy.

I can get a bit disheartened on the forum as I often don’t get replies , with the exception of a few people. I have wondered about this , I am not as emotional as some and don’t get into the flowery responses. There is nothing wrong with those, but it is not me.

I am sad too at the moment, so we can help each other to reach a more contented place

tess

[Lee lee 73]

Hello dear Tess,

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I'm sorry you're sad too. It would be good for us to help each other dear friend.

I ad

[Lee lee 73]

...thumb slipped on the post tab again. ...

I admire you're replies Tess. You see and say things as they are and with a lot of care.

I do hope you're having a better day today. As for me, I'm being lazy and chillin on the couch watching movies.....and thinking about all the stuff I should be doing.

Take good care Tess. Talk soon dear friend. Thanks so much Tess.

Lee

[Tess2]

Thank you Lee,

sounds nice chillin and watching movies. I am spending the day avoiding the things I should be doing.

It is quite hot here in Perth, I don’t feel much motivated

tess