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I've had enough of being a nobody -just need to vent
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I know what I feel but struggle to find the words.
I've had clinical depression for 10yrs. Numerous suicide attempts and hospitalisations.
I think about suicide every single day. Can't remember a day where I haven't. Everyday I wish I was dead and to miraculously not wake up. My family are toxic, I've never had a loving relationship, never felt mutually cared for or loved, never been proposed to, never married, never had kids. As a woman i feel embarrassed and ashamed of this. Feel ostracized because of this and so struggle to have things in common to form strong female friendship. My only support network is my psychologist but after5yrs of therapy I'm done talking. Done sounding like a broken record.
Yes, I know I dwell on what I don't have but this has not always been the case. I triedd and tried and tried. I'm sick of hesrinf my own thoughts 24/7 year after year. I've had enough. No one really knows what it's like to live totally alone year after year. I can't help but dwell on this. It's not natural to not have been loved, it's not what being human is about, I'm not human. I'm a nobody.
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Hello Grandy,
I saw your posts just before your last one. I think the ethernet is slow today.
I will be ok hon. Please take care of you lovely lady. β€π€
Lee
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Dear Lee ππΆπ
It must be so hard doing all this on your own ... again, still. But just because you are on your own now, does not mean you always will be. Its often when we give up looking, that we find someone we never thought possible. So please dont give up hope of some day finding the love of your life.
But none of this makes you a loser or a failure. Far from it. From what I know of you, there are none more deserving of this lovely new home ... than you. I only wish you could allow yourself to enjoy all that it has to offer. Great that the move went to plan.
So sorry that the STs remain constant for you. When you say you spoke about some of your issues with your psychologist on Friday, I suspect that one of the things you didnt discuss were the STs? I get that ... I dont tell my psych about those either. Sometimes she comes right out and asks me, and its almost impossible to fool her. I'm not a good liar. π But I think, once its out there, its almost a relief that someone knows about my thoughts. It acts as a deterant to taking those thoughts further. I feel I am accountable when she is aware of my state of mind. Does this make sense to you I wonder?
I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself too right now .. the reasons for which I dont wish to go into detail about. But I'm glad you are going to attempt to do justice to both a thought journal (should be easy enough) and a gratitude diary (urgh ... not so easy). I do a thought journal .. kind of anyway .. in an informal type manner. And there is a thread in the Staying Well section of the forums here which I write on sometimes about things we are grateful (or thankful) for today. If you dont already post to that, I would recommend you looking it up and using it as practice for your gratitude journal. It may help, and its a feel good thread anyway.
Not a problem not doing individual replies, generalised ones are just fine. I know you're reading. Hope your day today is an improvement on the previous few.
Love and a big hug to you. π€π
Amanda π
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Hello Amanda,
Thank you β€.
I did some unpacking and went to the beach. I can't escape my head. I feel nauseous and have a huge knot in my chest. I just feel numb.
My psych also sensed and asked me about the st's too. I too cant lie . Itdoes make sense what you say you feel accountable.
Amanda know we're all here for you too if you want to go into more detail about things.
Love and returned hugs
Lee
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Hello Grandy
I don't know what else to say other than Thank you for your beautiful posts. I'm trying to distract me...but it's just not working. I just want the hurt to go away....for all of us.
You're in my thoughts Grandy. I have faith in you. You want to improve and you're going to try β€.
Love and care to you our dear Grandy π€
Lee
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Hello Lovely Lee,
Its okay Lee, no words are necessary....I only hope that my posts to you are helpful to you.. yours are to me.π€π..
Iβve never asked I donβt think...Do you have hobbies? or special things you like doing indoors...oh do you have a backyard to your town house?... If I have asked before I am sorry....
I used to crotchet doilies, baby clothes, knit, sew, embroider, long stitch, cross stitch while hubby was alive.....I kind of enjoyed doing them , it was to get away from hubby...if I was hiding in my bedroom doing something constructive he would go and do his own thing...I have tried again this year to do all of these but I canβt, I think because my reason why I did them before is lingering around me...I tried also made jewellery ie: earrings, bracelets and necklets made from beads....some online colouring in, and jigsaws, now they are hard to complete...Have you tried any online games?..
Lee, you have a gorgeous kitty π±, who you adore immensely..I can just imagine some of the special, funny, loving, caring, exciting times youβve spent together. Iβm wondering if writing some of those wonderful times into a little story and sharing those special moments on my pet thread..βPets gotta love themβ..I only say this because I know once I start writing about my fur babies antics, before I know it a few hours has passed without me even knowing..Thats a few hours distracting my thoughts to my two buddies..I donβt know, Lee..just maybe something..that you could try.....and it also helps others here as well.but no pressure for you to share them, I usually sit in the sun and once I start I find it hard to stop....Just throwing a few ideas around hoping to help you...
I recently have made a few suncatchers from bits and pieces of crystal, glass beads or from old lamps and chandeliers, I used to go to the markets and would buy and them when I found them..even coloured glass beads, make great sun catchers, maybe you could make for your new home and hang on outside so the sun shines through, and gives you those tiny coloured dots everywhere....
Just a few ideas lovely lady....I know Iβm rambling on, but hun while youβre reading my post, it has given you a little bit of distraction...π....Care a lot for you dearest Lee...Please bo okay...always here for you....πΉπ..
Love and hugs...ππΉπ€ππ±ππ·πππ»ββοΈπ...Iβm holding on to your hand and also keeping an π out for you when Iβm able to...Look aftervyou, the best you can...please
GrandyπΌ..
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Hello Lovely Lee,
Just calling in to say good morning and wish you a beautiful day today..Thank you for thinking of me and having faith in me....I wish I had the same amount of faith in me that you have....
I talked to you last night but still hasnβt arrived Im sorry I am not, not reading or replying...trying not to π’, but sometimes hard not to...please be okay dear friend...πΉ..
Not sure how much Iβm allowed to use the phone or iPad at hospital..Iβll do my very best to be here for you as much as I can....
I hope today is a good day for you...wishing all the good things that today can bring you... You deserve it beautiful friend....will be back when Iβm able to..but Iβll always be constantly watching, listening to you and holding you tightly.....
Love and hugs..ππ€π€..
Grandy...
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Hello beautiful Grandy,
Thank you for your beautiful posts. Grandy this is why you are so inspiring to me - you write here even though you are struggling so much. I know you say it helps you as well, but takes someone special like you, to do it consistently. Also, you are inspiring because you constantly try to help yourself. Your posts always always always help me lovely lady. I am honoured to have you for a beautiful friend.
Please lovely, I am ok. You have so much more going on right now. Please look after you. I have been thinking of you all day - you're doing this alone Grandy. I truly feel for you. You are amazing. We are all here for YOU!
I do just want to say, you are so right - we do need to distract ourselves with hobbies. I tend to feel sorry for myself - a lot. I'm so good at it Grandy, I deserve medals for it π . You have shared so many good strategies ...and it's not 'rambling' either - thank you so much my good friend. I am actually feeling better today - true.
Please please take care of you. ..or more to the point allow your care team to take care of you - I know you don't like being fussed over - so let me rephrase it...allow them to support you. Try not to be scared beautiful. I'm here for you day and night ok.
I hope you sleep well tonight. ..what a long emotional tiring day for you Grandy. Please take care of you. You are so important to me.
Love and big warm hugs beautiful.
π€π€β€β€πΌπΌ
Lee
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I got news today, the clinical trial has been approved/granted an extension. I have my next treatment on Thursday! π
Lee
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Yay!! Great news and I'm really pleased for you. First treatment on Thursday .. as in tomorrow? That happened quickly. Hope this good news gives you the boost you need. And that the treatment effects kick in quickly.
Amanda ππππΊπ
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Hello Lovely Lee,
Im extrehappy and excited for you beautiful lady, I canβt wait for then to start..I occasionally go back to you post on page 5...dated 11th October, and read, it was written with happiness, faith and hope...I Love reading happy positive posts...
So very happy for you honey...You deserve so much happiness,
I hope you have a wonderful day at work today.....Your Lovely heart will brighten your clients lives today...If your not working....itβs good as well, because your good new about the trials beginning again has added a huge ball of light into my heart today....so very proud of you beautiful friend...please take the very care of you that you can..
Love and hugs...dear friend..πππ€π€π€
Grandy...xxoo