I've had enough of being a nobody -just need to vent

[Lee lee 73]

I know what I feel but struggle to find the words.

I've had clinical depression for 10yrs. Numerous suicide attempts and hospitalisations.

I think about suicide every single day. Can't remember a day where I haven't. Everyday I wish I was dead and to miraculously not wake up. My family are toxic, I've never had a loving relationship, never felt mutually cared for or loved, never been proposed to, never married, never had kids. As a woman i feel embarrassed and ashamed of this. Feel ostracized because of this and so struggle to have things in common to form strong female friendship. My only support network is my psychologist but after5yrs of therapy I'm done talking. Done sounding like a broken record.

Yes, I know I dwell on what I don't have but this has not always been the case. I triedd and tried and tried. I'm sick of hesrinf my own thoughts 24/7 year after year. I've had enough. No one really knows what it's like to live totally alone year after year. I can't help but dwell on this. It's not natural to not have been loved, it's not what being human is about, I'm not human. I'm a nobody.

[Lee lee 73]

......I meant in the real world -offline . So sorry....

Lee

[Guest8901]

Good evening Lee 🔔🎶🔔 Lee

So at last the weekend is upon us again. I'd reckon you'd be feeling pretty exhausted after the move last weekend and continuing to work this week. Pretty sure you'll be tempted to get stuck into unpacking and settling in over the coming weekend. But perhaps it may be better to spend the weekend doing some self care instead? Take a well earned break for a change. I dont know ... you have at least one friend I recall you go on outings with sometimes. Would it be an option to get out and do something relaxing (a nice dinner out, visit a coffee shop, a beach walk, visit an art gallery, go out to see a movie or the theatre) or something exciting (white water rafting, hot air ballooning, jet skiing, kayaking, visit a theme park)? Or anything else that takes your fancy. I guess I'd like to know you were doing some self pampering or something thrilling that you'd enjoy.

Ha ha, yes I knew what you meant about the real world and offline friends etc. Yes, wouldnt it be nice? Oh well.

I hope your psych visit went well today (I think) and that you were able to talk about how you've been feeling lately. Even better that they were able to provide you with some coping tools which you werent already aware of. Have you heard any more about that trial you were involved in a couple of months ago? You were hoping to start back onto it early next year I think. Which isnt really that far away ... but no doubt seems it for you right now.

I hope you and Iszy have a restful and recouperative weekend. Hope to hear from you soon. Always here for you.

Amanda 🤗💜😺🐶💕

[Lee lee 73]

Amanda, Grandy and Tess,

So much stuff is going on in my head...

Leading up to the move it gradually dawned on me I was doing it all again on my own, again and still. I'm such a failure and loser. The move went well no problems at all. It's a beautiful townhouse in a beautiful location. I feel I don't deserve all this. I feel guilty. I am grateful but sooo undeserving. The S/T's are a constant chant in my head. I hate living hate who I am. So so empty. I want to cry so badly but I can't. I'm not sleeping I have no appetite. Amanda lovely I did see my psychologist yesterday. It went ok. For some reason I was able to tell her some stuff that was going on but not all. Don't know why. I'm to do a thought journal and a gratitude diary. Hate the thought of the gratitude diary. I feel embarrassed ashamed of me. I feel sorry for people who have to even look at me. I'm so pathetically feeling sorry for myself right now.......

Thank you so much for your beautiful posts ❤.....I'm so so sorry for not replying personally. Please take good care of yourselves beautiful ladies ❤

Lee

[Ggrand]

Dear lovely Lee🌹

The feelings of loneliness can overwhelm us at time, you are not alone beautiful friend...I’ts good to hear you like your new home and area..I can relate to moving on your own and having no one to share special moments with. I’m really very sorry...but deserve it you do...you have no reason to feel guilty sweety you worked hard for it...Please try hard to enjoy your new home, neighbours, people in your new neighbourhood..you so very much deserve it and so much more.

I’m really sorry I can’t be there with you, or come pick you up so we can have a coffee and chat, I wish that I could sit on your couch with you and watch some silly show that makes us giggle...that will quieten your chatty mind.

I feel to yell at your negative thoughts and tell them how wrong they are..I wish I could show you and them, just how beautiful and special you are, I wish you could see who we all see...Beasty lies, It doesn’t want you to know who you really are beautiful Lee...I can hear it in your words, the pain and hurt your struggling through...Please sweety, try hard to block those thoughts out..you matter so much to us.

Sweetheart, just a gentle reminder..The sun rises every day to to give us something wonderful....something beautiful....something new, and you dear Lee are a part of all this.a part in this beautiful universe..Please try hard to fight those S/T..hold my hand sweety and we will do it together.

I Just want you to know sweetheart and to gently remind you that we’re here all on your side. All of your friends here on BB ...we all just want to see you happy, healthy and positive in your life because really that’s what matters most. You are such an incredibly strong and brave person who deserves only the best things in this world.

I am so proud to know you and I know that so many people here feel the same...., please Lee, don’t listen to beastys lies, don’t let it get you down....You have a beautiful soul that all your friends here can see through your kind and caring posts to me/us......please Lee always try to remember how amazing you are how much you help me and others here.

Its okay to cry sweety, Know that you aren’t alone in this fight; we’re all here to listen and help you through this as much as we can...I’m keeping an eye on you lovely Lee, holding you in my heart, holding your hands, giving you my shoulder with love and care, drying your tears and holding you tightly.

Love it’s many hugs lovely Lee..💜🤗🤗🤗
Grandy....

[Ggrand]

Hello lovely Lee,🌹

Please don’t be sorry about posting individually, I’m so relieved to hear from you..Please be okay dear friend...🤗😢.

Im really sorry your struggling so much...I wish there was more I could do for you...Please sweetheart you also take good care of you..

Grandy...🤗🤗🤗💜💜💜..

[Tess2]

I so agree,

this is not like real life and at times I think that it is a really odd way to interact, never seeing, never hearing etc. and you don’t get to know the whole person, just the mental health and related issues. Sometimes I wonder if reading posts that are about such personal stories of depression etc is not so good for me?

tess

[Tess2]

Dear lee,

at least you like the townhouse and where it is. I moved here four months ago and hate it. Ah well. You areNOT a failure and a loser, you have achieved this move it is supposed to be one of the most stressful things in life. And you did it in your own, I had my son to help me and I didn’t do it well. You work and support yourself. You care for your cat you are seeking out help. That is a lot.

I know what you mean about the ST being like a chant. I am like that too. It is worst when I wake dissipates a bit over the day but come back if the smallest thing goes wrong. I used to be able to cope with anything.

Sometimes it is best not to tell everything to a psych, at least not until you are ready. We all need some privacy and to protect part of ourselves.

I also hold back at times as I don’t want some over reaction.

I would like to be able to have a coffee with you, so I shall go and make us both one and think of you. Try to care for yourself this weekend.

how do you like your coffee, or would you prefer tea?

tess

[Lee lee 73]

Hello dear Tess,

Thank you for your post. I would very much like to have a coffee with you too. Strong with milk for me.

What I was trying to say is I truly wish people offline were as caring as the people here, online.

I'm sorry to hear you don't like where you live Tess and you also have s/t's. It's debilitating isn't it.

You take good care too Tess.

Lee

[Ggrand]

Hello Lee 🌹...

Just checking in to see how your feeling, I hope your a lot better then this morning...even a little better then you were this morning would be sooo good.. I am concerned about you and thought to do a check in...

Hoping your doing okay lovely Lee...here for you always if you need to talk..a couple of real early post of mine arrived 4 & 5 up from here....not sure if you’ve seen or not...Care and worry about you...no pressure to reply...thinking of you dear Lee...please be okay 🌹..

Love and hugs..

Grandy....

[Lee lee 73]

You're amazing Grandy ❤🤗😍👼

know that all of us here on BB want you to be happy... and so much more .

Lots of comforting hugs to you lovely lady 🤗🤗🤗🤗❤❤❤

Lee