I've had enough of being a nobody -just need to vent

[Lee lee 73]

I know what I feel but struggle to find the words.

I've had clinical depression for 10yrs. Numerous suicide attempts and hospitalisations.

I think about suicide every single day. Can't remember a day where I haven't. Everyday I wish I was dead and to miraculously not wake up. My family are toxic, I've never had a loving relationship, never felt mutually cared for or loved, never been proposed to, never married, never had kids. As a woman i feel embarrassed and ashamed of this. Feel ostracized because of this and so struggle to have things in common to form strong female friendship. My only support network is my psychologist but after5yrs of therapy I'm done talking. Done sounding like a broken record.

Yes, I know I dwell on what I don't have but this has not always been the case. I triedd and tried and tried. I'm sick of hesrinf my own thoughts 24/7 year after year. I've had enough. No one really knows what it's like to live totally alone year after year. I can't help but dwell on this. It's not natural to not have been loved, it's not what being human is about, I'm not human. I'm a nobody.

[Guest8901]

Hello dear Lee Lee and Iszy. 🔔🐈

Firstly, I apologise for not replying this morning. Your post sounded highly stressed. Something that moving house can induce. I've been away from home most of the day, so havent had a chance to get back to you until now.

Secondly, you can cry all you like, but you could never ever convince me that you are deserving of hatred. I love, admire and respect the person I have come to know as Lee. 💜

I truly hope the move went well today, and that you have managed to settle in enough that you are comfortable for your first night in what could become your forever home.

Sleep well dear friend.

Amanda 💕

[Guest8901]

Good morning Lee Lee 🔔🔔

I am just quickly coming to your door to drop off some house warming gifts for your new home. I wont disturb you though, as I expect you'd be exhausted after the move on Saturday and probably doing some unpacking yesterday.

Okay ... lets see what I have here. Firstly a picnic basket containing breakfast and lunch for today. To ensure you eat something and get the nourishment needed to provide energy to get things done. I have baked some yummy croissants and included butter and spreads, plus packed a thermos of tea/coffee. For lunch you will find a quarter piece of roast chicken and a nice salad. Plus an iced coffee frappe in a cold pack to stay ice cold.

And for later in the day once you've had a chance to settle in and relax a bit. Or maybe to help you relax? Here are some housewarming gifts from me to you.

1. A beautiful wind chime to put somewhere appropriate, something which will dance in the breeze and sing you a welcoming lively tune. 🎶

2. I have organised for the local florist to deliver a dozen roses to your house this morning. Vase included in case you havent got any unpacked. Hope you have somewhere to put them where you can smell their gentle aroma and see their beauty. 🌹🌹

3. A big box of special chocolates! All your favourite flavours. 🍫🍫

4. A welcome doormat for your front door. 🚪

5. A pamper pack, which includes fragrant candles, bubble bath, a bottle of your favourite wine, and a relaxing CD with sounds of the forest and the ocean on it. 🕯 🛀 🍷 🏖

I do hope you're okay Lee, and that you enjoy your housewarming gifts.

Amanda 💕🤗

[Ggrand]

Hello beautiful Lee,

Im really beginning to be very concerned about sweetheart and hoping so very much that you are doing okay. When your feeling up to it Lee, I’d love so much to know how your feelin and what are your thoughts...

I know it’s early days as it’s only been a few days since you moved house, but I am wondering how your settling in and if you feel okay and safe in your new house have you met your neighbours yet?..Gee I hope they are nice......How is your cute fur buddy Iszy liking her new home?

Your last post you sounded very sad and 😢..Please sweety be okay....Your very important to me..im sorry I haven’t been in to say hello for a few days..but please know that I do care deeply for you dear friend....My arms are and always will be always been open for you dear friend..If it’s okay, I would so much like to sit with you tonight and hold your hand to offer you some comfort if I can.....

You are often in my thoughts dear Lee, I hope you are better then okay...

Sending you my love, care and hugs 💜🤗👼..dear Lee..I hope you have a good sleep tonight and have so much peace in your dreams, that tomorrow you have some light in that beautiful soul of your..

Grandy..l

[Guest8901]

Good morning Lee

Its been 4 days now since we last heard from you, and that was the day of your house move. I'm not sure if you were planning to work this week, or whether you had a few days off to get yourself settled. But ... like Grandy ... I am very concerned about you. I too would love to hear from you as to how you're doing. You sounded distressed in your most recent post. Understandable, given that moving house is a very stressful thing, but still concerning. I'd love to hear from you as to how the move went, how you're feeling in the new home, whether Iszy is happy and anything else you'd care to tell us. I'm not pressuring you in any way, or at least I'm trying not to, but when you feel ready ... both Grandy and I would really welcome a quick post to reassure us you're okay. But I also understand if you need a bit of time away from here, and thats okay too.

So for today, I thought I would coax you out of the house for a little while to regroup. I'm thinking you've been flat out unpacking, organising, and settling in for the past 4 days, and need a little break from it by now. And I suspect that, if you are working, you'd be rushing straight back to do more unpacking. Which allows very little respite for you.

I thought we could go for a walk to explore your new neighbourhood. We can stop off for a coffee/chai latte at one of your local cafes, and maybe treat ourselves with a piece of cake or yummy slice. If you're feeling up to it, maybe a walk on the beach afterwards? You can point out all your favourite places. I'll bring a book along and a beach umbrella and we can sit, prop and watch and listen to the ocean and relax for a while. Not sure if you're getting rain up there, but we are getting some showers where I am. But thats okay if its raining .. I love the rain. And I have the beach umbrella to shelter us if necessary.

Don't you just love the smell of the ocean and the sea air? The sound of the gentle lapping waves as they creep up the beach towards us and then fall back into the body of the ocean? The sight of the ocean on the horizon as it swells and moves and then there are the skidding wisps of cloud overhead? Can you taste the salt spray on your skin and I love the feel of soft white sand underfoot. 🏖

I will leave you with that Lee Lee. Please do take care and remember we are here for you when you're ready to come back.

Amanda 💕🤗🌺

[Lee lee 73]

Amanda and Grandy,

I'm so so sorry - I'm not up to doing anything - I'm just barely making it to work.

Amanda thank you for house warming gifts and your beautiful posts - yours too Grandy ❤❤

Lee

[Tess2]

My thoughts are with you. How you are feeling now may not all be the depression. Moving house is so very stressful on its own. I am offering you my help. If I could I would have a nourishing ,yummy meal for you when you come home. And got your bed ready with all clean sheets, lightly scented, ready for you to rest.

Take care

tess

[Ggrand]

Hello beautiful Lee,

Awe sweetheart, I’m really so very sorry, your not up to doing anything...Please...beautiful Lee, do your very best try to look after you special friend, everything else can wait..It’s so very important to take care of you first...

Im sitting with you Lee, lean your head on my shoulder while I put my arm around you and give you some well deserved love and care...

When you get home, just relax, please don’t get overwhelmed by what still needs doing, trust me sweety, it can ALL WAIT until your feeling stronger within yourself...your important..

If it’s okay, I would love to just sit with you tonight, and if you drop some tears, I’ll be there with you to dry them and gently offer my love and care to you..

Please be okay dear friend, I’m concerned for you and wish I could sit with you for real...

Thinking ofvyou sweety and sending you some love and caring hugs..💜💜🤗🤗..

Grandy👼..

[Ggrand]

Hello Lovely Lee....


Just wanted to give a beautiful bunch of 🌹 🌹 red roses..to a beautiful friend....Thinking of you Lee... I’m hoping that your starting to feel better...Im quietly sitting with you. Although I have bought my CD player with me and am playing you some gentle, relaxing, meditation music called weightless as well as holding on to your hand..

Here for you sweetheart, Please be ok, take good care of you dear friend...

Love and gentle warm hugs, 💜🤗🤗...

Grandy....

[Guest8901]

Dear Lee Lee 🔔🎶🔔

I'm sorry too ... sorry that life is such a struggle for you right now. But please do not apologise or feel sorry for not posting here right now. Its honestly quite okay. Of course we are all concerned for you, and want to hear from you to know how you're doing, but nobody wants to put any added pressure on you. I do want you to know I care though .. and thats why I'm posting now. I do not expect a reply.

The house warming gifts were a pleasure and I'm glad you appreciated them. My posts come from my heart, and I mean what I say. You are a special person and I want you to know that. Fact is, I suspect everyone around you knows that, its only you that doesnt actually see it ... yet. Maybe in time we can all convince you however?

I hope things improve for you soon, that you manage to get through your work days and that you are allowing yourself some rest time once home again. I agree with Grandy ... the unpacking can wait. So try not to put any unnecessary pressure on yourself to do everything immediately.

I wish I knew how to help you Lee. But for now ... please know we are all here for you when you need or want to talk. I think you will be seeing your psychologist again tomorrow? I hope thats the case anyway ... as it sounds like you could use some good professional emotional support right now. I trust Iszy is settled in his new home and that he's offering you comfort as only he can do. Please take care.

Amanda 🌺😺💖

[Lee lee 73]

Amanda Grandy. ..and you too Tess,

If only I had friends like you all, in real life as well. 😢.

Please know I read your posts and sooo treasure your friendships..so much. ❤❤❤

Lee