I've had enough of being a nobody -just need to vent

[Lee lee 73]

I know what I feel but struggle to find the words.

I've had clinical depression for 10yrs. Numerous suicide attempts and hospitalisations.

I think about suicide every single day. Can't remember a day where I haven't. Everyday I wish I was dead and to miraculously not wake up. My family are toxic, I've never had a loving relationship, never felt mutually cared for or loved, never been proposed to, never married, never had kids. As a woman i feel embarrassed and ashamed of this. Feel ostracized because of this and so struggle to have things in common to form strong female friendship. My only support network is my psychologist but after5yrs of therapy I'm done talking. Done sounding like a broken record.

Yes, I know I dwell on what I don't have but this has not always been the case. I triedd and tried and tried. I'm sick of hesrinf my own thoughts 24/7 year after year. I've had enough. No one really knows what it's like to live totally alone year after year. I can't help but dwell on this. It's not natural to not have been loved, it's not what being human is about, I'm not human. I'm a nobody.

[Lee lee 73]

Hello dear Grandy and Amanda,

Ok, so I don't have a very good imagination and this is probably a little out of my comfort zone but I'm learning that going to a different place is and can be good for our souls...and MH. I'm going to try my best. ....

(I am actually here at my favourite beach....just to make it factual. .for me that is..)

I'm here at the beach with you Grandy and Amanda. ..my two gorgeous new friends 😙😙.

It's a perfect day. A beautiful blue sky, the sun is shining and not too hot. There's a beautiful breeze and the only clouds are out at sea. We can smell the salt air. Perfect company too.

I have baked some brownies, brought iced coffee lattes (we stopped and got a coffe frappe on the way for Grandy).

We had roast chicken, salad and bread rolls for lunch and yummy watermelon (with seeds) afterwards. We sat, talked,laughed and cried and then went for a walk down to the rocks where we saw rock crabs and got splashed with small waves.

Nothing like a great day at the beach with beautiful genuine friends 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗❤❤❤❤.

If only I could actually do something in R/L to take your struggles and hurt away...

Thank you for being who you are Amanda and Grandy ❤❤..

.....and to everyone else who is reading. ...Croix Quercus therising aman....

Lee ❤

(.....think I lost the momentum )

[Guest8901]

Hi Lee and hello to Grandy. I think Deebi was coming too, but could be resting.

I have brought along a couple of beach umbrellas and set them up on this beautiful beach. Got some loungers too for anyone needing a good rest after the beach walk and swim.

Lee I dont have a good imagination either, not like our Grandy who has such a great talent for it. But you did well, I could picture myself there. Something I particularly love is exploring rocky areas along the water, all the activity within those little rock pools.

And what a glorious day for the beach! Chicken and salad lunch was just perfect. Watermelon afterwards was beautifully refreshing. Despite the seeds .. thanks Grandy! 😁

Okay I'm just going to have a lie under the beach brolly for a while now. A rest is needed. And I must say I am a person who chases the shade. Something else I discovered we have in common Grandy. I read on Deebis thread that you had a cancer removed from your face. I have too, it was an infiltrating basal cell carcinoma. Needed 4 stitches under my eye beside my nose. Sensitive spot and left an obvious scar, even now a year later. So I always wear a hat when in the sun now. Big sunglasses cover the scar, so I wear them too.

Okay .. a short sleep now. I think Lee is taking us for icecream soon. Yum 🍦🍧

Charli came with me btw, but I found out its not a dog friendly beach. Shes been content hiding in my beach bag. But she loves icecream.

You have been a wonderful host Lee, and I thank you sincerely for providing this little mental escape. You are a good friend indeed.

Amanda 🐶🐬🌺

[Guest8901]

Dear Lee. I am here, and thoroughly enjoying your beach getaway. I posted a long reply, which has not come through. Hopefully it will by tonight, so I wont reinvent the wheel, unless I know I need to. Just wanted you to know I have turned up. I will just rest under the beach umbrella until you decide to take us all for icecream. Gotta let all that yummy lunch settle down first.

Amanda 💕

[Ggrand]

Hello Lovely Lee,

I hope it was ok, I brought Deebi with us...

I had the best time ever, thank you so very much..Lunch was super yummy 😋 especially the bread rolls, we haven’t got a bakery around here so they were the best...Yummy Chicken, and salad..and the watermelon yummy...

I had to laugh when I slipped in the rock pool and landed on my tooshi and I got bit by a crab on my little finger..and when I shook my finger the crab landed on your ear Lee 😁😂🤣😅..I couldn’t stop laughing.....I was all wet, so I decided it was all your turns to get wet so when we walked back towards our stuff I just had to .get you both wet...with that great splashing fight...😁. It was fun.....Thank you Lee..It was fun....

I hope, today at the beach 🏖 took some of your heartache away Lee...I’m sorry sweetheart that your depression makes you feel that way...I wish I can take it away for you. and others as well...Awe Lee come here sweety, 🤗🤗🤗, really gentle warm caring long hugs sweety, and while I’m hugging you, if you need to cry, go ahead sweetheart, it’s okay to cry, my shoulder is big and comforting, as are my arms.....Please take good care of you,, be very gentle and kind to you, lovely Lee...

Sending you Some Love and hugs 💜💜🤗..and a beautiful rose 🌹 for a beautiful lady..

Grandy..

[Lee lee 73]

I'm sinking....and I have no reason to swim 😢😢.

Nothing is good enough...

Every time I get low, I'm even more angry at myself for not being able to deal with it. I'm useless. I should be use to it. I should be able to deal with it.

I'm ok...i guess. Just needed to tell someone. .

Lee

[Ggrand]

Awe Lee, sweetheart, do you want to talk about it...

please don’t be so hard on yourself, It’s hard to deal with depression, Once it has a stronghold on our thoughts, it’s so very hard to change our mindset...

Your not useless sweetheart, your a beautiful, caring, lady who is struggling with her mental health...Your not useless, you so useful, to me me, your clients, your friends, and believe it or not, yourself as well.....

Its okay to cry sweetie, let it out darling...I’m hanging around the forums for a while if you want to talk.....

Grandy....

[Guest8901]

I hear you Lee.

Please do not remain angry at yourself. There really is no reason to be.

I could give you many reasons to want to keep swimming. I could tell you how very wrong you are when you say you're useless. But right now Lee, would you listen, would you believe me? Probably not.

So for now Lee, I am here to listen. I have heard you. Now I will sit quietly nearby and be here should you need to talk some more. No pressure. Just a quiet comforting presence. Here for you if you choose.

Can I make you a cuppa? How about that icecream we were expecting yesterday?

Btw, did you see the post from me here yday? It was delayed and slotted in above my later one. I hope you read it, esp the last bit about you being a good friend. You are. Please take care Lee.

Amanda 💜🍧🌺

[Lee lee 73]

Awwwww Grandy and Amanda,

Thank you both so much. I don't know if I can talk.....physically ...????

I'm just hurting......like we all are. Hurt turns to inner anger self loathing etc etc etc

I did see your posts yesterday Amanda and yours too Grandy. ...I just couldn't bring myself to come back to my thread. ..so sorry.

Am going to see if I can get myself to go for a power walk to try to release this anger...

Thank you 💗💗

Lee

[Ggrand]

Dearest Lee,

That’s okay sweetie, Take your time with posting, I understand about your hurting, it’s a combination of everything all chatting away in your head and taking you down, with negatives...🤗🤗 a couple of hugs sweetie, so you can feel some love and care going into you...

Okay lovely Lee, you go for it honey..⛹️‍♀️...I’ll be here when you feel like popping in here again..there is no hurry, only when you feel up to it....

I don’t get angry, it’s one of my many emotions that has been suppressed... I understand anger because of hubby’s anger and rage, but I don’t get angry...hmm..and a sigh..

Take care of you beautiful Lee, and watch those walking muscles don’t get to ouchy from walking of your anger...I mean please be gentle when you power walk...if that makes any sense...

Sending you Love and hugs 💜🤗, dear Lee..

Grandy👼..

[Ggrand]

Hello Lovely Lee,

Ive been thinking of you today sooo Im just calling in to see how your feeling and ask you PUOK?..

Its okay no pressure to reply at all, just letting you I’m thinking of you..I know you would be doing some packing and that is a job that I found stressful when I had to do it..😁..I think I threw more then I packed..and regretted some of the things I threw away. I hope your managing Okay it a huge tedious job..,I wish I could drive up to yours and help you..❣️..

Take some time out of your day even if it’s only half an hour to something nice for yourself,

How was your day today beautiful friend?..I hope Iszy is helping you pack..Umm I can just see her jumping into the cartons and curling up in there and checking your packing out....

Please take good care of you dear Lee, you really are important to me and a part of my life...I hope you don’t mind.💕..

Just a few little things to help with your packing..🍷🍸🥂🍫🍷🍰🍷....

Sending you heaps of love and hugs..💕💕💕💕🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗...

Grandy..