I've had enough of being a nobody -just need to vent

[Lee lee 73]

I know what I feel but struggle to find the words.

I've had clinical depression for 10yrs. Numerous suicide attempts and hospitalisations.

I think about suicide every single day. Can't remember a day where I haven't. Everyday I wish I was dead and to miraculously not wake up. My family are toxic, I've never had a loving relationship, never felt mutually cared for or loved, never been proposed to, never married, never had kids. As a woman i feel embarrassed and ashamed of this. Feel ostracized because of this and so struggle to have things in common to form strong female friendship. My only support network is my psychologist but after5yrs of therapy I'm done talking. Done sounding like a broken record.

Yes, I know I dwell on what I don't have but this has not always been the case. I triedd and tried and tried. I'm sick of hesrinf my own thoughts 24/7 year after year. I've had enough. No one really knows what it's like to live totally alone year after year. I can't help but dwell on this. It's not natural to not have been loved, it's not what being human is about, I'm not human. I'm a nobody.

[Lee lee 73]

Hello lovely Grandy,

So sorry for not replying sooner.

My head is all over the place Grandy. The suicidal thoughts are back with a vengeance. I'm lost. I don't have a purpose.

These are just my thoughts but how do I know this isn't the real me....right here right now? How do I know when I am well, it's not just me living or trying to live a stupid fantasy?

At least today I'm not feeling angry. At least I'm able to go to work and am making sure I eat. Grandy, You mentioned you don't get angry - are you glad you don't? Just a curious question. I wish I didn't. My father has a bad temper - even when sober.

I haven't done any packing since the weekend - big sigh. I don'thave that much to pack as I didn't unpack alot when I moved in...just in case.... Thank you for offering to come help Grandy. ...you're such a beautiful friend ❤. You are important to me too Grandy and also a part of my life. Thank you so much for saying so 💗💗.

I'll be back some time soon lovely lady. I just so wanted you to know what you say and knowing you are here, makes such a difference to me 💖. You are in my thoughts often beautiful. I just want to give you a big warm hug 🤗🤗 and wishthings were different for you.

Lots of returned love and care gorgeous. 😙

❤Lee

[Lee lee 73]

Hello dear Amanda,

Thank you for the cuppa!

You're right Amanda, i wouldn't listen. Id hear you but I wouldn't believe you. I've been much worse so I'm holding on to that to get by.

Settlement for my house is on Tuesday (yes, a quick settlement ) so I will be busy packing - once I get my butt into gear. Grandy, you're so right about Iszy, she does love to get into the boxes, empty or half full. I see her beautiful eyes peeking out.

How did your psychologist appointment go Amanda? I do hope you are going better than ok. You are in my thoughts too lovely lady. So sorry to hear about your parents and hubby not doing so good. Please remember to give yourself a lot of self care.

Take good care lovely lady. Sending you big warm hugs 🤗🤗🤗

Lee ❤🤗❤🤗

[Ggrand]

Hello Beautiful 🌹 Lee,

Lee sweetheart, they are just your thoughts, depression is making you believe the lies it tell you..You are stronger then your depression..choof beasty away from you honey, you don’t have to listen to it......It’s not real, you are you, beautiful, strong, Sweet, kind and caring..you have purpose...Lee please sweety, you need to believe in you as I do....

Purpose, ...is different for all of us..you have people your clients that I know you care about and you are caring for them, because you like them, that’s purpose, Your here on B.B. helping me, and others..that’s purpose..You have two nice friends you have coffee with and chat to and they enjoy your company...that’s also purpose. you have purpose honey but you can’t see it...and Iszy your her purpose to love her, to feed her, pat her....please sweety...believe in you..

Moving in on Tuesday, now that’s good, because, arranging furniture with izsy’s approval and help of course, putting your little treasures (ornaments) around here and there..I love ornaments. Makes a house your home when you put your personality and decorate how you want to.......Do you have a small back yard so you can sit outside?...

I had Narcissistic parents, older brother and husband, All had anger issues plus husband had rage as well, I was never ever allowed to be angry, I remember once when I was a small child I did..I won’t go into what happened....😢...and then after that I was always to scared to show it for fear of retribution so that emotion never developed properly in me...Yes I wish I could get angry..When someone says something to me I know is wrong or a lie I will agree with them out of fear, I know this is wrong but it’s me... I feel fear instead of anger and I just get away as quick as I can and usually have a good cry...Then hate me so much for my weakness to not showing my anger and standing up for me.....I think it’s to hard for people to understand how my fear takes the place of my anger...

I hope you go okay with your packing and it’s not to stressful for you sweetheart, remember if you feel your getting depressed or stressed out, it’s okay to have a break and do it later...I hope wherevyou move to has nice people in the area for you to get to know.

I hope you have a lovely deep sleep tonight and wake with some sunshine in your heart.

Thank you for your posts on mine, I will reply soon if that’s okay.

sending you some love and hugs dear friend.💕💓💜💜.

Grandy.

[Guest8901]

Hi there Lee Lee ..... I love the sound to your name when said in its entirety. Like a tinkling bell. 🔔

Settlement tomorrow! How is the packing going? I'm here to help actually, me and Charli. Its not that long since I moved, although goodness how those 9 years since have flown by. But I'm actually a good packer/unpacker. So by all means put me to work. Charli and Iszy can continue to play around in the empty and half packed boxes. 📦 🐶😺

My psych appointment went okay last Wednesday, thanks for asking. I've been pondering on something she asked me to consider, some intensive therapy. But I'm afraid to agree to it. Other than that though, we discussed things I can do away from my caring duties and home life. I've been setting some things in place, making enquiries and finding out we're entitled to lots of services I hadnt realised we could get. Its all going to make things so much easier next time I need to be away, for whatever reason. Just got to get some assessments and so on done now. My psych has been very good in telling me about a lot of these things too.

I'm thinking, with settlement tomorrow and a likely move this week as well, you wont be working this week? Meaning you're likely at home slaving away with packing, organising and planning. Why dont you sit down for a while and I can make you a nice hot cuppa or a cold drink, and you can relax and catch your breath for a moment? I made a slice to give you energy. Chocolate fudge with some nuts as well ... its yummy. And I've brough some nice fresh sandwiches for lunch, so you wont need to think about getting something for yourself. Likelihood is that you've already packed something you would have needed anyway. Hey Grandy .... 🔊 over the loudspeaker so she'll hear from all the way out west .... are you able to join us for a while too?

Okay, I'd best find Charli amongst the boxes and head home now. I will call back in later and see how you're doing. Please remember that moving house is one of life's big stressors, so please try to treat yourself with care and gentleness. Play some favourite music or go for a stroll when you take a break.

And when you feel up to it, I'd love to hear a little more about your new home. 🏡 Are you close to the beach, the gym, the shops, good walking trails, do you have a nice view, have you met the new neighbours, etc. Then .. once I know what you need ... I can chose an appropriate house warming gift. 🎁

Amanda 💕

[Lee lee 73]

Hello lovely Grandy,

I'm so glad to read on your thread you are feeling better. Very relieved for you Grandy.

Given what you've been through and explained, having fear replace anger is completelyunderstandable Grandy. It's no wonder and It seems logical. Your not weak for not being angry or not standing up for yourself honey, it's fight or flight response. Fear overrides everything, understandably. Try not to hate yourself beautiful - it's soooo not your fault.

I see my negative thoughts not as thoughts but facts. They are all true. The way I see it, being me is the proof. It is probably the one thing issue I actually disagreed with my psych on which I think it's why she then chose Acceptance Therapy for me.

I hate this time of year Grandy 😢. I just sink further and further into a hole as end of year gets closer. Its the same outcome every year and January is the same too. As I think this year is going to be different but it never is so I hate beginning of new year too. I'm estranged from entire family, my parents, older brother and twin sister (not identical). that then makes me look like I'm the crazy one...which I am - lol.

I see a new psychologist on Friday afternoon. I'm crapping myself and feel sick - the thought of starting from scratch without a guarantee there will be a connection. ...big sigh!

Settlement on my house is tomorrow, I move Saturday. Oh guess what Grandy. ...I was in the courtyard today with Iszy. She completely mesmorised by something on the ground...turns out it was....get ready for it...a cicada ! It had to have been. .it clicked when she touched it and it was bright green....I wonder if they're green.... It must have fallen out of your ear the other day at the beach when you fell on the rocks 🙊. That must have been what landed on me.. 😅.

You mean so much to me Grandy. Thank you for always posting...it always puts a smile on my face when I see your angel 😍❤.

I hope you do sleep well tonight lovely lady and Ebony and Kya are snuggled up next to you.

Good night my dear friend. Sending you big warm grateful hugs and care. 🤗🤗🤗

Lee ❤

[Lee lee 73]

Hello beautiful Amanda,

Awwwwwwwww thank you so so much for everything you and Charli did today. So gorgeous of you Amanda. The sandwiches were yummy and the chocolate slice was even better. I think Charli and Iszy played well together 🐶🐺😆.

I'm moving on Saturday as I didn't want to take time off work. The organisation I work for only employs 'casual' carers so no work no pay. Some days I can work 7hrs and others only 2,3 or 4 so this has allowed me to do what I need to. Having you and Charli here today made packing so much easier and fun 😆. A beautiful thing to do Amanda - thank you with all my heart ❤.

I'm so pleased your psych appointment went well. Although the intensive therapy does sound intense. She obviously thinks it's needed but sometimes at the end of the day, we ourselves are best at knowing what we can and have difficulty coping with. Especially when there is no else at home to support you through it. Know that we're here to help talk you through it in making the decision.

I'm also glad to hear you're hopefully getting assistance at home AND taking steps to look after YOU😊. IE pilates. You deserve it Amanda.

Amanda lovely, I'm struggling to keep my eyes open which means words are just not flowing. Thank you again for today and for always posting here. It means somuch to me my dear friend - you do too.

I hope you are going ok, wishing you a beautiful sleep. Good night my good friend. Goodnight Charli.

🤗🤗❤❤🐶🐺

Lee Lee 🙊

[Guest8901]

Hi Lee Lee 🔔

Did settlement take place on your new home today, as planned? If so, then you should once again be a proud home owner. Congratulations. 💐

So you, with able help from Iszy, are probably packing in earnest again tonight. Please dont forget to take a break. And I hope you sleep well tonight.

Of course you have your apt with the new psych on Friday. Not sure if that is good timing, or bad. I don't envy you having to go through everything again from scratch with a new MH professional. Its not something I've had to do so far, only ever having seen the one psych. I'm hoping and praying for a good connection. A psych you trust and have confidence in.

Saturday is moving day .. a big day. I'm feeling excited for you. 😃

Its nearly 11pm here now, so I shall leave you in peace and head off to bed. I will check in on you again tomorrow.

Love and hugs my friend.

Amanda 💕 🐶 🐈 🌺

[Lee lee 73]

Hello lovely Amanda,

Yes, settlement is done. Thank you for asking. ..and for the congrats. You're so thoughtful Amanda. Iszy and I did pack some more this evening. I did have a quick nap on the lounge after work and before packing, I needed to rejuvenate.

I agree Amanda, weird timing with psychologist appointment but I guess I wanted to get the first session over and done with!!!

Thank you so much for checking in my dear friend. I hope you are ok? Please keep taking time out for yourself -- lots of deserved self care. Wishing you a peaceful sleep Amanda .

Returned love and hugs gorgeous lady ❤🤗🐶🐺.

Lee lee (🔔made me smile )💓

[Ggrand]

Hello beautiful Lee,🌹..

Lee, I can relate to some of our negative thoughts being facts as I’ve done a bit of thinking on that this afternoon...I agree with you that negative thoughts concerning things that has happened are facts, however I think that our negative thoughts escalate and sometime false negative thoughts creep in, yet we believe they are facts as well..😁 well I probably made a mess of that paragraph....

Oh no, Lee, that happened with my mhn, I’m truely sorry that may happen, usually you can sign some medical report transfers papers, that your former psych has to then send your records over to your new one....First visit with Psych hopefully will be assessment, by the following visit your paperwork should have been received and your new psych can at the least have information on yourMH, I really hope you make that connection...

I’m sorry Christmas is also a sad 😢 time for you Christmas is very 😢..because of what happened, I spent Christmas alone last year and will again this year....I can’t drive that far, plus I won’t go uninvited either and my children won’t come to mine...I spent last year talking here to other lonely people..Probably the same this year...sigh...Do you spend Christmas on your own?..New year, I try not to think about, I feel it’s best and I’m trying hard to do, is not think of tomorrow or beyond tomorrow...

Congratulations, on settlement, 🔑..Moving Saturday...hard work hun..You must be totally exhausted with all the paperwork, packing, etc...Onlyva couple more days until you move..I wish I could be there helping you..Although if I was probably we not get much done, to much talking, laughing, eating, hugging and Oh I almost forgot...I bought you a beautiful Card 🌹💜🕊🌱..a bottle of red wine 🍷, Congratulations again beautiful friend....

I hope tonight you sleep well and restful..tonight I’m sending my little dream pixies, to sprinkle you with their stardust and moondust, so your dreams are of a beautiful waterfall and river hiding deep inside a Rainforest, birds singing fills the air, as well as the sweet scent of the abundance of flowers everywhere.. as your sleeping your just floating on the gently bobbing water, weightless, just floating , so relaxed and with every exhale a negative leaves your mind and flows down the river and onto the wings of an albatross to be carried away to another planet, far, far, away, never to return..

Good Night dear friend..

Sending you lots of Love and hugs 💜🤗.

Grandy....

[Lee lee 73]

....accidentally hit post...

You're in my thoughts often beautiful lady. I sincerely hope you are ok. I'm sitting with you giving you a comforting hug and holding your hand.

Lots of love and care Grandy. .and hugs and restful thoughts..😋😋🤗🤗

Good night beautiful lady ❤❤

Lee