I've had enough of being a nobody -just need to vent

[Lee lee 73]

I know what I feel but struggle to find the words.

I've had clinical depression for 10yrs. Numerous suicide attempts and hospitalisations.

I think about suicide every single day. Can't remember a day where I haven't. Everyday I wish I was dead and to miraculously not wake up. My family are toxic, I've never had a loving relationship, never felt mutually cared for or loved, never been proposed to, never married, never had kids. As a woman i feel embarrassed and ashamed of this. Feel ostracized because of this and so struggle to have things in common to form strong female friendship. My only support network is my psychologist but after5yrs of therapy I'm done talking. Done sounding like a broken record.

Yes, I know I dwell on what I don't have but this has not always been the case. I triedd and tried and tried. I'm sick of hesrinf my own thoughts 24/7 year after year. I've had enough. No one really knows what it's like to live totally alone year after year. I can't help but dwell on this. It's not natural to not have been loved, it's not what being human is about, I'm not human. I'm a nobody.

[Ggrand]

Hello Lovely Lee,

Thank you for your gentle reminder on mine about going off my meds....They did nothing for my anxiety, possible I think helped with my emotions a bit, because now they are coming back to me fairly quickly and I’m quite emotional, but am able to control them....

I hope you are doing better then okay, and your offer on the house your interested in went or is going through the way you want it to go...I’m sorry I haven’t been in to say hello, I’m reading each day and noticed even though you’ve visited me you haven’t been to your thread here..There is no pressure at all to be here, but I needed to ask are you okay?...I know I can be an annoying pain because I worry about people I care about, I’m sorry if I am...

How was your day today beautiful, and How is Iszy, I hope she is giving you lots of cuddles and wrap around ankle rubs.😁..

Love and hugs to you Dear lovely Lee..💜🤗💜🤗🤗.

Grandy...

[Lee lee 73]

Hello dear Grandy,

No no nooooo no need to apologise at all beautiful . You always make my day when you visit Grandy. You make me feel like I'm not alone 😢.

I'm sorry you're feeling so emotional lovely lady. It makes things harder doesn't it? Exactly what you don't need. I hope it passes soon for you dear Grandy. How was your day?

Hmmmmmm I'm ok....welllll...not really .....but I am. I'm not liking me very much at the moment. Each time I make an effort to do things it makes me worse ....

I had no work today so I laid in bed for a while after waking then sat out in the courtyard with Iszy. Then I went to the beach for a swim ☺😔.

My offer on the townhouse was accepted Grandy and so the ball has started rolling . Feeling a bit scared as to whether I made the right decision. I guess that's a natural feeling.

Iszy is good thanks Grandy. She is so my little princess except she isn't so cuddly in the warmer weather....I might have to put the aircon on to get cuddles.

I do hope your day was good beautiful. Thank you so much for your post Grandy. I appreciate it so much. ...more than you may ever know.

I hope you sleep well tonight and Kya Ebony are giving you lots of cuddles. ...with their little heads on each lap. Be kind to yourself beautiful - you are beautiful.

Sending you lots of warm hugs 🤗🤗🤗and lending you my shoulder to cry on when you need it. 😍❤.

❤ Lee

[Guest8901]

Good morning beautiful Lee. And thank you so much for your lovely post to me here several days ago.

I have just read your update from last night, and wanted to respond.

You say you're okay ... well, kind of? You then go on to say that you are not likeing yourself very much at the moment. I'm sorry to hear that, but I think you are being pretty tough on yourself in that regard. There is so very much to like about you. The rest of us here see that, but I guess we are often somewhat blind to our own wonderful qualities. So .... while you do not like yourself so much right now .... then I will like you just a little bit more. Until you can learn to love yourself a little and can appreciate about you, what the rest of us do.

Making an effort to do things when we are feeling this way is very hard to do, and it takes it out of you. It is an effort, a mighty effort. But well done, because you got up yesterday, you spend some time in the courtyard with Iszy and you went to the beach and swam. All worthwhile, and definitely a tick in your box.

Now that is exciting news about the townhouse offer being accepted. Yes, its natural to be suddenly having doubts now that the offer is accepted. Human nature, and no doubt the same for everyone, rather than your depression or anxiety talking. Try to think of all the positives, and remind yourself of the reasons you loved the place enough to put in an offer in the first place. Still quite a process to go through before its finally yours, so I hope everything runs smoothly.

Your little princess Iszy is a delight, she really is. Charli is the same, not quite so cuddly in warmer weather. Though to be fair ... I'm not either! So yeah ... crank up the air con.

I hope today is a good day for you Lee. I expect you will be working, providing care and attention to those who need you so much. Put on a smile and bask in their appreciation of you. Sending warm wishes and a big hug to you.

Grandy - With regards to your comment here that "I know I can be an annoying pain because I worry about people I care about". I just wanted to say that you are never annoying, never a pain. I very much appreciate your posts to me. And I have no doubt everyone else, who is the recipient of your care, does too. From all that I have read from you to others, your instincts about people are pretty spot on. So please continue to go with your feelings, and dont stop being you.

Amanda 💜🤗

[Lee lee 73]

Hello dear Amanda,

Thank you for your beautiful words lovely lady. Thank you for being my friend Amanda. You're so thoughtful and caring.

My day was ok. It was pretty full so my mind was kept busy. You're so right about me thinking of what I liked about the townhouse in the first place. ..it did help.

Charli sounds adorable too Amanda. What a difference our pets make in our lives hey! They are so gorgeous and innocent. Sometimes.....well most times I wonder what it is they are thinking. I'm glad my furbaby isn't the only one that doesn't like cuddles in the heat..

I know you're struggling so much with everything you've got going on Amanda. I can only hope you are being kind to yourself. Know that you're a beautiful person, caring thoughtful and an inspiration. You deserve to be kind to yourself. So sorry to hear both your parents are unwell. I have a client who receives chemotherapy as treatment for her rheumatoid arthritis. It apparently slows it down. Interesting concept isn't it. It's amazing these days how they are finding treatments to address other illnesses....except mental health - big sigh....it is slow in comparison.

I hope you are ok Amanda? I hope you are able to get at least some sleep tonight...! When is your next psychologist appointment? Soon I hope.

Sending you returned warm 🤗🤗hugs...and give Charli a big cuddle. Iszy is on my lap as I write this...the weather has cooled down!

Thank you once again beautiful lady.

❤Lee

[Ggrand]

Hello Lovliest Lee,

I just thought I would pop in and tell you something that maybe you don’t know yet...Tomorrow starts a weekend..😂😁😇..

Maybe , hmmm some things you might like to do for some self care.. 🏊🏻‍♀️ swimming....🚴‍♀️ bike riding.....🛶 boating.....🧗‍♀️ mountain climbing...... 🏃🏼‍♀️running..puff, puff...walking🚶‍♀️..yes that’s better...or maybe just sit on the 🏖 with a nice good book, a cold flask of iced coffee, a few yummy snacks and of course plenty of sun screen and 🎩..and just relax for a few hours...Oh then a beautiful walk along the beach, looking at the little crabs scurrying into their little sand holes....looking for and picking up some unusual shell 🐚, for a craft project.....watching the big beautiful pelicans, floating on the ocean...maybe find a fallen tree, and just sit and listen and watch the power of the ocean..Phewww I’m tired now just thinking about a great day at the beach.....

I spent a couple of hours today, shampooing, and conditions my fur babies, then brushing them until their fur is silky smooth and tangle free...they really are very cute dogs..because they have silky terrier in them they have beautiful soft long flowing fur...They are now asleep on the lounge, poor little darlings, they really dislike their baths...

How was your day lovely lady....I hope your day was a good day, and your feeling better about yourself...Not sure if I mentioned it to you or not,.There’s a thread called..”Do you love yourself, you’re thoughts are welcome”... it really is a fascinating thread with people trying to like themselves and there thoughts of why they can’t..Its a long thread, I find the the first page interesting then I skip ang go to the last few pages....I know bad me..but I’ve been following it for over a year now and have added some comments, questions along the way, even liked myself for a while...Its up to you sweetheart if you want to check it out or not..😁..maybe if you need distraction one day it makes a good read...

I hope your doing okay, Lovely Lee and I really hope more then words can say , that you have a nice restful and good weekend...You derseve it so much only the goods in your life...

Love and hugs to you dear lovely friend..💜💜🤗🤗..

Grandy...

[Lee lee 73]

Hello lovely Grandy,

Awwwwwww - I love your description of a day at the beach, so spot on. And I loved your opening line - made me smile 🙂

(am on my laptop - so no emojis)

Ohhhhh gees Grandy, I just want to cry, swear, yell, cry, yell, cry swear,...…. so much that I feel sick. If only I could get a new head. That would solve my problems, mentally and physically. I feel like the worlds ugliest loser whenever I go out in public...Thank you so much for telling me about the thread ”Do you love yourself, you’re thoughts are welcome". I did see it when I first joined but totally forgot about it.

How bewwwwwwwwtiful for Kya and Ebony to have beautiful silky fur...so gorgeous Grandy. I bet their fur does feel so soft. I imagine it would definitely take you a few hours to bathe dry and brush them. I don't think I've ever known a dog to like baths - lol. My kelpie hated baths too. Once dried off she would literally race around the house...it must have been her release. Then we would put a towel on the floor and she would roll on it - so cute. I imagine it would be exhausting for them too Grandy....and you.

How are your strawberries going Grandy and have you progressed any further on alphabetty (did I get that right?)

I had a funny (literally) start to my day Grandy. A regular client is now requiring personal care so this morning I assisted her with her shower. The task and her humour lead to us both roaring with laughter.

I hope you're going ok beautiful. You are a courageous lady Grandy, wise, intelligent - an inspiration. ohhh and a beautiful person and friend...! I hope your tears stop soon Grandy....I truly do lovely lady. You were in my thoughts often today. I don't know why but you were. Always here for you grandy.

Wishing you a peaceful evening, tell your mind I said for it to not be so chatty (he he). Hope you sleep well gorgeous. I'm sitting with you and holding your hand...right after a big warm comforting hug.

Thank you for posting xxxxxxxxxooooooooooooooooooo

With lots of love and care,

Lee 🙂

[Ggrand]

Hello lovely Lee,🤗..

😁I Just thought in case you didn’t know about the weekend..😁..

I can relate to you wanting to cry, scream, cry, yell, it’s a terrible feeling isn’t it?...I’m really so over me atm..I really am.

Now my dearest sweet Lee... I care and love for you a lot and when I hear you speak of you like that....it hurts 😢

Its really funny I pick up one of them, then the other wants to be picked up. So one dog in each arm, going into the laundry, They now know...they start wiggling to get out...poor babies.😂..nope I need to bath them, so iton the laundry, shut the door...ha ha I got them...Wash them one by one then dry them the best I can...then open the door, little baby elephants running slipping tumbling rubbing there faces on my rug...😂😂. They are so funny to watch...Then after about an hour theycare both asleep...so cute...

Love that you connect so well with your clients...that’s beautiful to hear...

Yes Alphabetty...🤨, been on the same stage for well close to a year now...I give up on it.. My strawberries 🍓 are about 3 a day..I can’t save them. I eat them daily.. 😋..

Oh Sweetheart, Thank you for your kind words to me....I don’t feel like those nice things you said about me...Oh Lee I’m going into a mixed episode.... I really I don’t like them.... hard to manage the tears, and then the ups and then back down...can last a few days or a few weeks, but mostly a few weeks with me..but I’m okay.

I often have thoughts of Deebi, Amanda, You, Peppy, start, and a few more daily, because I have no one here..talk to no one except Tuesdays....I don’t know how but herecseems real to me and outside seems fake, unreal...I’ve been feeling like this for a few months now...

I hope you day was good, so much looking forward to tomorrow, thank you so much for thinking of me....See you Tomorrow dear friend....

Love and hugs sweetheart..🤗🤗💜💜..

Grandy..

[Lee lee 73]

Hello dear Grandy,

Lovely lady in response to you saying "I'm really so over me atm...".... I'm not over you dear friend - does that hold any weight? A mixed episode. ..oh noooooooo! Is there anything specific I can do to help you get through it Grandy....truly, is there anything ?

Wooohoo - fresh strawberries daily - love your work beautiful - you deserve to eat them straight away 😛😊.

I empathise with you dear Grandy, not having anyone to talk to 6 days a week. I struggle weeknights and weekends but that's nothing, in comparison. Wish it were different for you beautiful lady ❤.

See you tomorrow 😆. ...oh and I'll get the watermelon. ....this is all my treat 😆😆. It's just what friends do 😊 🤗.

Take good care my good friend 🤗🤗😚😚. Hugs to Kya and Ebony too (i have some schmackos to give to them 🐶🐶)

....and do let me know....when you feel up to it. ..❤.

Grandy and Amanda, see you tomorrow for our virtual trip to the beach 😊😎🤗

❤ Lee

[Ggrand]

Hello oops me again sweetheart....No hun nothing you can do, the episode has to run its course, so to say....I will be okay, Lovely Lee...

Ummmm with the water melon..can you get the one with those black seeds in it....I really don’t like the seedless one very much at all..

Ooh....ooohh...my dogs 🐕 🐶 Love schmackos....I call them lollies...if I want them inside all I say is who wants a lolly...They would win a greyhound race, they run that fast inside for their “lolly”...

Good Night Dear Lee, I hope you Sleep well and dream of beautiful things....

love and hugs. Lee..💜💜🤗 ..l

Grandy..

[Lee lee 73]

❤❤🐶🐶🍉🍉🍉😆😆💗💗