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I've had enough of being a nobody -just need to vent

Lee lee 73
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

I know what I feel but struggle to find the words.

I've had clinical depression for 10yrs. Numerous suicide attempts and hospitalisations.

I think about suicide every single day. Can't remember a day where I haven't. Everyday I wish I was dead and to miraculously not wake up. My family are toxic, I've never had a loving relationship, never felt mutually cared for or loved, never been proposed to, never married, never had kids. As a woman i feel embarrassed and ashamed of this. Feel ostracized because of this and so struggle to have things in common to form strong female friendship. My only support network is my psychologist but after5yrs of therapy I'm done talking. Done sounding like a broken record.

Yes, I know I dwell on what I don't have but this has not always been the case. I triedd and tried and tried. I'm sick of hesrinf my own thoughts 24/7 year after year. I've had enough. No one really knows what it's like to live totally alone year after year. I can't help but dwell on this. It's not natural to not have been loved, it's not what being human is about, I'm not human. I'm a nobody.

374 Replies 374

Ggrand
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello Lovely Lee...

I have been thinking about you today...Regardless as how you see yourself sweetheart...I can say with complete honesty, that your soul is beautiful, warm, caring, gentle, lovely compassionate, and in my heart and soul lovely lady...That makes you one very beautiful lady....

Im sitting with you tonight, if that’s okay just holding your hand not letting you go Lovely lady..here for you always sweetheart..

Love and hugs...💜💜🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗...

Grandy...

Hello lovely Amanda,

Thank you so much for your beautiful words. Again, I don't know what to say....thank you lovely.

It seems there's a fair bit of sadness and loneliness going around at the moment. I hope you are feeling better today Amanda. So sorry you too were feeling it.

Sometimes I think I'm just feeling sorry for myself so I try to put it all aside but a lot of the time I can't help it. I think I have given up Mandy...

I feel a bit all mixed up at the moment....

Anyways, it seems my attempts to walk 5km a day. ...well....have kind of collapsed already. I'm not very good at motivating myself.

I do hope you have a peaceful sleep tonight lovely lady. Sending you (and Charli) warm hugs.

Remember to do something special for yourself Amanda - you deserve it lovely. I hope you will be ok.

Thank you for your care. It is truly appreciated.

🤗😍.

Lee

Ggrand
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello Lovely Lee...

I hope it’s okay..I jaws just passing yours and wanted to give you a beautiful bunch of gardenias and carnations...umm not sure if your home so I’ll pop then in this crystal vase for you and place them on your coffee table, along with a nice iced coffee....

Lee, sweetheart, Please don’t be so hard on yourself about walking...When your up to walking that’s okay, it doesn’t matter how long in kilometres you walk, it’s only what you feel to do.....Depression as you know takes away our motivation...Things change constantly lovely lady, your not your depression, your so much more then your depression...Are you still doing the trial?...You felt so good while you were doing them.....I hope they let you continue,..

Im sorry Lee that your also feeling lonely...Can I give you a really big hug, 🤗🤗🤗 that’s got a lot of love 💚❤️🧡mixed in it as well..not the same as a real one...but if you close your eyes andcreally concerntrate, you can feel them......I’ll sit with you tonight sweetheart and hold your hand tightly, ill not let you go....Oh..I didn’t see you at mine tonight...we had a little 🔥 just sitting around it quietly talking to each other....I brought you some, strawberry and mulberry ice cream 🍨 and some toasted marshmallows...yummy...I hope you enjoy them.....and you feel better tomorrow after a good sleep....

Big love and lots of hugs 💙💙🤗🤗🤗, lovely Lee...

Grandy...

Lee lee 73
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello gorgeous lady,

Grandy, I have only just seen your reply to me on 30th. So sorry - I don't know how I missed it 🙁?

Thank you for the flowers they are beautiful -just like you.

Thank you for the hug -I felt it and thank you for sitting with me lovely lady. You're a beautiful friend. I feel honoured ❤.

I'm struggling to find words at the moment dear Grandy. I have just seen yours so I'm guessing you feel the same. So sorry I missed your night with the other lovelies at yours 😔.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you do for me. And to you too Amanda. I'm ok. Just will be back later.

So grateful ❤❤❤❤.

Lee

Ggrand
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello Lovely Lee,

Awe Please sweety..don’t be sorry, you have nothing at all to be sorry about..it’s very easy to miss posts...I have at times...

That’s okay missing our campfire 🔥, we occasionally have together under the stars just talking light hearted things for the mind to give our mind a little holiday from our mental health....

Oh Lee...I want to thank you...You have been so helpful, kind and caring Oh and very helpful to me and I want to thank you for everything you do for me....You make a difference lovely lady..to me, and others her on the forums....

please do be okay Lee....take your time with posts, but.....ummm shhh whispering now....I’m a huge worrier when I don’t hear from people I care deeply for after a couple of days....shhhh...but no pressure...

Sitting with you tonight Lovely Lee....Holding your hand and not letting go......I hope you sleep well and wake refreshed with some light in your day...

Love and hugs...💚💚🤗🤗...

Grandy...🕊💚🐯🐶🕸🕷

Lee lee 73
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello lovely Grandy,

Thank you so much for sitting with me once again ❤ 😚.

Today I went kayaking with my friend Paul. It took every fibre of my being to go. Was just being in the moment and tried to make the best of a good day. We attracted an audience of cows from the properties on the river banks 🐮. It was nice. We also went house hunting. Saw a place I liked and put an offer in.

But for the most part....I'm tired-I'm not sleeping. I can't concentrate, forgetful, keep doing stupid things, getting angry again..... ohhhh geeeees! Sounds all too familiar hey!!! I know I have felt way worse and I know this just a tiny setback in comparison.

I haven't heard anything about the trial. My understanding is it's not a matter of if....just when. I'm starting to think probably not until the new year. ...big sigh. It is what it is. I guess it keeps me going knowing that it's coming up and it does help. I am fortunate I can do it.

Thank you for posts Grandy. ..they always lift me, always .....yours too Amanda. Especially knowing you both are struggling so much.

Grandy, how did you know I love ice coffee beautiful lady? 😊 thank you ❤.

I do hope you are well my dear friend. Thank you for being you 😚😚. Thank you so much ❤.

Goodnight gorgeous. Sleep well. Returning your hugs 🤗🤗🤗.

Lee

Ggrand
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello lovely Lee,

Kayaking 🛶 sounds like so much fun...I’m so very proud of you that you got your mindset into going even though it sounds like you didn’t want to...Sounds like you and your friend had a good day...l love cows they are so big yet very gentle...sounds like a beautiful and peaceful area your your living in....

I am so excited for you in putting in an offer on a new place to call home...I hope they take offer and your move goes smoothly...Then the fun/hard work begins in packing and then unpacking.....(big sigh).....I hope your new place has nice neighbour and nice people living in your new neighbourhood...

Sounds so familiar...yes....I’m sorry you’ve had a set back...It’s so not fair, when we try really hard to do good..and it kind of back fires on us, I wish I could take all your mh issues away from you......You have such a beautiful and kind heart..You help me Lee..your ideas, suggestions, insight helps me...... I will keep everything I possibly can crossed for good luck 🍀 hoping the trails to start earlier then next year...

Oh...ummm...Iced coffee, it’s the best...I don’t like hot coffee, but can drink iced coffee yummy....My best favourite is Macca’s iced coffee frappe...Betty goes once a fortnight to maccas and I always give her some money to get me one...I just figured everyone loves iced coffee...

Thank you for your kindness to me Lee, I so much do appreciate it.. I really so much hope that your weekend was a good weekend, and your not to sore from kayaking...and your feeling good....

Thank you Lee for being the person you are..I’m so very pleased that we have met..and become friends....💚🛶🌹...

Sending you some love 💚 and 🤗 hugs..and a fresh bunch of flowers with a little teddy 🐻 for Iszy to cuddle....

Best wishes and caring thoughts..

Grandy...

Hi Lee,

Kayaking sounds like lots of fun. I've never done it, though I have done white water rafting which I thoroughly enjoyed. It takes effort and commitment to push yourself to go out and do these things, so well done to you. It really is important to keep up that effort, hard though it is.

Oh really ... how exciting about finding a house you like enough to put in an offer for. Like Grandy I really hope your offer is accepted. A new home .. a new outlook ... a new start. Now we just need to bring on that trial so you can go back onto the treatment which has been so helpful to you already. Seems so unfair to have to wait.

Oh dear, I can so relate to the being tired thing, to not sleeping. I'm the same unfortunately. I get so tired sometimes, that I feel like a simply cannot keep going. But of course I do .. we must. Meanwhile, like you, I cant concentrate, I forget things, I'm feeling angry, impatient and frustrated. Sigh.

Ha ha, it sounds like you, me and Grandy could all sit down to enjoy a yummy iced coffee. Hey Grandy ... I'm like you. I detest hot coffee, have never been a coffee drinker. But strangely, I love iced coffee and also coffee milkshakes. How odd. And here I was thinking I was unique in that regard. 😊

How is your work going Lee? I hope your Sunday has been a good one. Hi also to Grandy and TheRising.

Sending through an encouraging hug Lee. 🤗 Please know I continue to listen and care, even when I dont post. I'm currently just sticking to safe and familiar threads as I seem to be easily triggered at present. Need to be aware of that and take necessary precautions. Please take care too Lee. And give gorgeous Iszy a gentle tickle under the chin from me. And Charli sends a quick lick as well.

Amanda 🌹

Lee lee 73
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello beautiful,

Truth Grandy, I would be lost without YOU. ❤

I'm having a lazy Sunday...a crying Sunday. ...actually. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I do that a lot.

I wish I could take your mh issues away lovely. You deserve to be happy Grandy.....and to get to know your grandchildren. I hope I do help you hon. I know I do sometimes say stupid things, without meaning to.

I get ice lattes from maccas. Next time I'll have to try a coffee frappe.

Hope you're doing ok Grandy. Thank you for the flowers and Iszy's teddy. She is asleep on my bed at the moment. I will give it to her when she wakes up.

Thank you for being my friend.

Also sending you hugs and caring thoughts.

Lee

Hello dear Amanda,

Awwwww thank you so much for your post Amanda. I'd be lost without you too...lost without my bb care team.

So sorry to hear you're struggling too Amanda. I have to admit though, I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels angry. It's awful isn't it. I guess from internal anger comes depression.

Work is going ok thanks Amanda. Some days are busy, some are not.

A yummy ice coffee/frappe with you beautiful ladies sounds perfect.

That's good you're playing it safe here at the moment Amanda. Good self care lovely.

Talking to you lovely ladies has lifted me. Thank you. Amanda and Grandy, you are both truly amazing and inspiring.

I hope you improve real soon Amanda. I do read and continuously follow your thread too. Awww I will give Iszy a tickle. Give beautiful Charli a cuddle.

Sending you comforting hugs Amanda. I hope you are able to sleep well tonight!

Lots of care and self care to you.

Lee