I've had enough of being a nobody -just need to vent

[Lee lee 73]

I know what I feel but struggle to find the words.

I've had clinical depression for 10yrs. Numerous suicide attempts and hospitalisations.

I think about suicide every single day. Can't remember a day where I haven't. Everyday I wish I was dead and to miraculously not wake up. My family are toxic, I've never had a loving relationship, never felt mutually cared for or loved, never been proposed to, never married, never had kids. As a woman i feel embarrassed and ashamed of this. Feel ostracized because of this and so struggle to have things in common to form strong female friendship. My only support network is my psychologist but after5yrs of therapy I'm done talking. Done sounding like a broken record.

Yes, I know I dwell on what I don't have but this has not always been the case. I triedd and tried and tried. I'm sick of hesrinf my own thoughts 24/7 year after year. I've had enough. No one really knows what it's like to live totally alone year after year. I can't help but dwell on this. It's not natural to not have been loved, it's not what being human is about, I'm not human. I'm a nobody.

[Ggrand]

Hello Lovely Lee, therising,Amanda and all,

therising I want to thank you for your very beautiful, helpful and insightful post to Lee, it has helped me to understand a little more about why I’m the way I am...My programmed brain needs reprogramming al lot..

Lee, I haven’t seen you around for a day, I want to thank you also for the beautiful care and supportvon my thread, your words have helped me also..I really hope that you are going from strength to strength, and are still in your happies, you so much deserve them...Please sweetheart, don’t be worried about coming down, because your using your beautiful happy time by worrying, Please enjoy this time without guilt, guilt has a huge effect on mh and will drag you down...You are pioneering a new treatment and your gold for doing that.

I really hope you manage to seek out and find a psychologist that you can realate to and are comfortable with, and has your best interest in his/her heart....because you deserve the best you can find...

Lee, I hope your job is going well and the interaction with your clients are helping you along on your journey, Sweetheart, I pray you don’t but if you come down again, remember I/we love and care for you so much and I’ll always hold your hand in the hope that I can help your beautiful soul, like the way you have been helping me...💜..

How is your adorable Iszy doing I hope she gives you lots of snuggles and looks after you....

please be okay lovely lady...your an important person in my life and I want the very best that life has to offer you...lPlease take good care of yourself and give yourself a little time each day to do something nice for you...

Lots of love and big hugs,💜💜💜💜💜🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🕊🕊🕊🕊...

I’m going to pinch your line now and ask you, How are you feeling today lovely lady and what are your thoughts?....only if and when you feel like letting me know😁...🤗

Grandy..

[Lee lee 73]

Hello Grandy my lovely dear friend,

and hello to everyone. .

Thank you so much for your gorgeous post Grandy .

Gees I've had a busy week Grandy. ..that doesn't happen very often lol. Juggling a house sale and negotiating a purchase of another. It has been a good distraction and not to mention something to hopefully look forward to.

Work is going good thank you Grandy. We took our clients for a barbecue morning tea and lunch at a park by the beach on Wednesday. The only day it didn't rain. We had a small group so we all just relaxed and laughed and listened to their stories. Great food,company,weather and not to mention - being by the beach. I was thinking of you Grandy.

Yesterday I had my last post trial treatment follow up - blood tests MRI and EEG. The psychiatrist confirmed it is the treatment that's working!! I was so pleased. I told them I wanted continue with the treatment extension trial. They are waiting approval for the Extension but should know in a week. He said hopefully I can receive my next dose in 3 or 4 weeks.

I can sense the black dog is back in the neighborhood. I'm doing everything I can to keep him at bay Grandy. I'm making sure I'm eating 3 good meals a day, keeping busy physically and mentally. Not really exercising because of the rain we've had though, but hopefully I can start to make up for it tomorrow. I've now called psychiatrist office 4 times for psychologist recommendation - still nothing. It looks like I will have to take a stab in the dark and choose someone. .....

I do still feel odd....odd that my mood is good but my heart is still empty...is it me or my heart. .I don't know. Life goes on still. I tell myself I didn't move here to 'not live'...I'm here to feel the warm weather and the lifestyle that goes with it.

My Iszy is good. She does give me lots of cuddles Grandy. .lots of cuddles. Lots of head bumps. When I'm standing she puts her front paws on my legs..I pick her up for cuddles. She truly is my everything Grandy.

I hope you are well lovely lady. Thank you for your support always Grandy. ..thank you for being you. I hope you're going ok with daylight savings. I know y

[Lee lee 73]

Sorry - I must have accidently clicked on post....

Grandy I hope you have a great night sleep beautiful and you have a good day tomorrow. Always here for you my friend.

Sending you big hugs 🤗🤗🤗🤗and caring thoughts ❤❤❤❤❤

Take good care gorgeous 😍😍😍.

❤

Lee

[Ggrand]

Hello Lovely Lee,

Your outing with your clients sounds wonderful, I wish I was there to enjoy with you and the othersvtheir.....By the beach, sounds really relaxing and with great food, company, weather and laughing and having fun....Adds up to a great day...I’m pleased you enjoyed your day with them...

I have everything crossed for you that your accepted for the extension to more trials, I mean they work for you so now I think they should continue, not just for the trials, I mean sheez how can they not continue long term trials with you because it’s working and your feeling good, they shouldcwant you to feel good and keep you that way....I would be upset for you if they stopped..

Shhoo....shoo...the black dog away...Please sweetheart...Try distracting your thoughts onto something beautiful, like the ocean 🌊 or stars,..... or playing games, tv....it’s hard sometimes to distract black dog, but keep trying Lovely Lee...I believe and have faith in you...

Awe sweetheart, I’m sorry your heart feels like it is empty, I have that also and I feel bad that I don’t know how to stop it from feeling that way....It’s like well... I call it ...meh...No fun, joy, happies, just flat or meh, going through the motions of living but with nothing at all except the motions.....

I hope when you purchase your new home that you will start to feel better and maybe even get some real happies when you start decorating your home to be you...

Iszy sounds so lovable, I had a black Persian many years ago and was so affectionate she used to jump on my lap every time I sat down.....Now my two dogs try to do that together, I have to sit on the lounge so they each have a side to sit next to me, with there little heads on my lap....Animals really are soul savers....

Lee I hope your doing good, I feel slack it’s been a while since I came to chat to you..I do read here when I see it’s been visited.......sometimes when I want to reply or talk to you I start to reply then my brain fogs over and I don’t know what to say.. I hate that about me....I was told so many times by hubby that I talk stupid things and sometimes I remember and just can’t post so I delete it and when I feel better I try again....I’m getting better at controlling that...but sometimes I can’t...

Please Lovely Lee, take really good care of you and be so very gentle with you...I hope you sleep deep and restful tonight and have really peaceful and uplifting dreams..

Sending you some love with cuddles...💜🤗🤗...

Grandy...

[Lee lee 73]

Hello dear Grandy,

Thank You for your beautiful words. I'm going good. I'm managing to keep the black dog at bay. Evenings, night time and weekends are, once again, becoming a struggle but I'm trying to keep myself busy. I think I'm just tired of being alone 😟....and with that as we all know, comes self loathing. ......

Anyways, summer is pretty much here already in QLD 🌞. I'm determined to make the most of living in this glorious state.

Please don't ever feel slack about popping in here lovely lady. You're not slack at all....not ever ❤. I have to be in the right frame of mind to post otherwise my words don't make sense and it feels like it's not coming from the heart. ..if that makes sense. Nothing you say is (as your hubby said) 'stupid'. You write so beautifully Grandy ❤😊. People who say that to others, aren't compassionate or caring - that's just what I believe.

I hope you have a beautiful day my good friend.

Lots of hugs love and care to you ❤🤗😚

Lee

[Lee lee 73]

I’ve always been a loner…..for as far back as I can remember. Always been an introvert – shy timid sensitive. I didn’t choose to be a loner, well, I definitely don’t remember making a conscious decision to be so. It’s just that this loser girl doesn’t fit in.
I know that I can do anything I set out to achieve………anything except the one thing that has been eluding my whole life – to love and be loved in return. How can you be someone without having this? Without feeling worthy of love to begin with?
Whatever work I have done and do now, I give my 100%.
I travelled Europe America Canada and the UK before securing a good government job and bought my first house at the age of 26 a year later – all my own doing. as you may know, I lived there for about 18yrs, I gave up alcohol, cigarettes, changed career late in life and moved here to qld – another goal achieved. When I left, my psychologist told me working with me was the highlight of her working career (15yrs). I can’t see why because as far as I’m concerned, I’m still a loser, still feel like a nobody…..I’m still alone.
I’ve tried online dating on and off for the last 4yrs.it’s hard enough to do let alone doing it whilst having depression. I’d come to terms with the fact I’m boring and ugly a long time ago but I was still stupid enough to want to find a life partner. I haven’t told anyone this,For me, the process is so degrading, so much so I reckon I’ve pretty much gone off the male species altogether and hate detest myself even more. I’m 90% sure it lead to numerous depressive episodes. Men will say anything and do anything to get what they want. I wanted to find love (stupid I know) and I guess would give them the ‘benefit of the doubt’ or think I’m not perfect so I’ll put up with whatever. I now know that I’m only good for one thing….
So this is where I’m at now. Why can’t I be content with just me and my cat? How do I NOT want to be loved? Why can’t I be content with my loser life???????????????

I’m ok, just feeling sad and down. I’ve been going for walks on the beach every day this week – at least 5km walks (1hr) and also sneaking in a swim or two. I hope to keep this up everyday. I’m also thinking of joining the local park run on Saturday mornings (community 5km run or walk for me). My attempt to become social……do you think I can get away with wearing a paper bag over my head??????
I hope everyone is well……
Lee

[Ggrand]

Dear Lovely Lee,

Sweetheart, I’m sitting with you tonight lovely lady, just holding you tight and wanted to let you know I’ve listened to your post and will be back later...your words made me cry 😭 how very similar your words sound to ones I’ve spoken.....Just wanted you to know that I do very much care aboutand love you beautiful lady..and I will bbl...or sooner...

I know what I want to say and do if you were standing in front of me.. definitely a long caring hug first...Oh and maybe a second one as well.. I know the words I want to talk to you, but trying to put words into written words, looses the meaning at times...and I’m finding it difficult atm however lovely Lee I will be back.....soon...🕊

love and hugs..xxxx🧡🤗...sweet friend...

Grandy...

[Ggrand]

Dearest lovely Lee,

Your words in your post pulled so hard on my heart strings, I’m truely so very sorry, that you are struggling so very much....😭😭.I feel your pain, sadness and loneliness in your words, so very much.....

I would be no good to advise you on how to find love...I have never known Love...I mean a proper love that you feel,protected, cared for, and safe....I’m sorry I don’t know how you do that except maybe just be the beautiful person you are, and let love come to you....maybe joining some group of people like the run on sat mornings...or other group activities....I’m sorry sweety I hope someone else will call in and advise you...I’m no good at all on relationships, I’m really very sorry...

Please Lee, take the word ugly out of your vocabulary ...It’s a word that should never ever have been put in the dictionary. It is an evil word...No one is ugly...no animal is ugly, goes for everything on this earth....everything is made differently on the outside, we are all uniquely made...never ugly. No...never..God knows how much I hate that word.....how much it hurts me......please Lee...throw it away along with nobody..You are neither of them...

Wow Lee travelling overseas you must have had so much confidence in yourself to do that..You have accomplished so very much, that takes strength determination and self like...Now you moved to Queensland and are buying another house, you do good Lee....Sweetheart, we all want to be loved....I even want to be loved, but with my fear of men...I know I’ll never be loved because of my fear..You are not like me....you don’t have anxiety,..You can get out their and join clubs,maybe put finding love out of your thoughts for a while and be looking for friendships the 5 kilometres run Saturday morning sounds good, New friends can be made sweetheart, then friends, friends, and so on...you never know what can come out of friendship....

Believe me..you are so worthy, you are beautiful, inside and out, you are some body...You are my friend, You are special, you are unique......please don’t give up on you Lovely Lee... I never will....

Love with big hugs...💜💜🤗🤗..

Grandy..

[Lee lee 73]

Hello dear Grandy,

You are so beautiful my dear friend. I don't know what to say to you in return - I'm so sorry. I'm 😢. How I wish things were different for you Grandy, so very different. You are always in my heart.

I know I am u..y Grandy. I just have to and should learn to live with it. Thank you for saying otherwise though ❤. Thank you for the hugs.

I hope you are ok too lovely lady . I truly hope you are ok? Now I'm giving you a big caring hug...and another.

Sending you love and care Grandy. Thank you for being you 😍.

❤Leexx

[Guest8901]

Dear Lee,

What a touching and sad post from you yesterday. Like Grandy, it pulled at my heartstrings.

You sound so much like me in many ways - I too have always been a loner, very definitely an introvert, always shy and reserved. But unlike you, I mostly chose to be alone. I never met and married my husband until I was much older then most of my peers. I think I was always afraid of men, or probably all people in general. But I was always self sufficient, coped well on my own, and wasnt overly concerned about being alone. I always thought it would be nice, and ideal, if I met someone to fall in love with, marry and have kids. All in that order of course. But I rarely went anywhere to meet people, and even when I was asked to go out with a likely guy, I would find an excuse not to go.

Then things happened which changed my life. I think it sent me off in a tangent I would never have gone had my trauma not occurred. My aloneness made me vulnerable suddenly, at least thats how I saw it. I met my now husband some 12 months later, still vulnerable, still needing to find my way in life.

Its said that the needs which make us human are: to love, to be loved, to be accepted and to be respected. So your need to love and be loved is a very normal human need. But it isnt everything. From all that you have said, and all I can ascertain, you have led an extremely successful work and private life (apart from love). You have achieved a heck of a lot, been through heaps, survived adversity, inspired many, cared for those who cannot care for themselves. A very fruitful and successful life (so far) by anybody's standard, I'm sure.

You most certainly do not sound boring .. you come across as highly intelligent, well travelled, well spoken, interesting and with a very caring and loving nature. Ugly? I dont believe there is such as thing as ugliness in people, unless you are talking about someone's inner nature. Some people may be beautiful to look at, but ugly in nature. But we all see outer beauty differently ... thank goodness. There is a great deal of truth in the old saying about beauty being in the eyes of the beholder. I pity the truly beautiful people, who are often only ever seen for their outer looks, never being seen for who they really are inside.

Dont give up hope of one day coming across a life partner, of finding true love. For you it may happen later in life, but it can still happen. Stay open to love, dont shut out the possibility.

Mandy 💜