I've had enough of being a nobody -just need to vent

[Lee lee 73]

I know what I feel but struggle to find the words.

I've had clinical depression for 10yrs. Numerous suicide attempts and hospitalisations.

I think about suicide every single day. Can't remember a day where I haven't. Everyday I wish I was dead and to miraculously not wake up. My family are toxic, I've never had a loving relationship, never felt mutually cared for or loved, never been proposed to, never married, never had kids. As a woman i feel embarrassed and ashamed of this. Feel ostracized because of this and so struggle to have things in common to form strong female friendship. My only support network is my psychologist but after5yrs of therapy I'm done talking. Done sounding like a broken record.

Yes, I know I dwell on what I don't have but this has not always been the case. I triedd and tried and tried. I'm sick of hesrinf my own thoughts 24/7 year after year. I've had enough. No one really knows what it's like to live totally alone year after year. I can't help but dwell on this. It's not natural to not have been loved, it's not what being human is about, I'm not human. I'm a nobody.

[Lee lee 73]

Hello therising,

Thank you so much for your positive vibes. How has your week been?

I was having to go to Melbourne quite a lot for work a few years back. It is such a cool city to visit. I don't think I could go there now, way too busy for my head.

Therising, maybe get a step counter to use for exercising. Start off at walking 2000 steps a day and gradually increase your step goals. It's a good way to ease into exercise.

You mentioned about quantum physics in the book your reading. A few years ago i saw a program on Stephen Hawkins "universe " (i think it was). It spoke of how we make our own reality based on our own perceptions. I thought it would help me think differently so I bought the book. I struggled to reach the 5th page - way beyond me. I take my hat off to you!

Happy thoughts to you therising, take good care of you too

Lee xx

[Ggrand]

Hello beautiful Lee,

I’m just letting you know that I have listen to your words sweetheart.. I’ll be back soon to talk to you because i really want to and I’m concerned about you dear friend and care very deeply for you....

love grandy...

[Lee lee 73]

I'm concerned about you beautiful Grandy. I do hope you are ok. It does sometimes help to just say what's on your mind - whatever your thoughts are. I'm always here to listen. You are a beautiful person and you are worthy of happiness, worthy to receive everything you give . Please take care my lovely. 😘🤗

[Ggrand]

Oh lovely Lee, it saddens me that you are struggling so much...I can understand your feeling only too well about being a child and trapped and left behind.....my emotional development stopped at an early age for me due to trauma...

Lee, I know how hard it is to keep at trying to distract ourselves to get a few minutes peace, but sweetheart I believe that each time we distract our negativity into positivity we are winning a small battle for our peace, and winning lots of small battles will eventually let us win the battle over depression, which are our thoughts, who would ever have thought that you, me and others here, would have to do battle with our thoughts which is us...It is so very hard to do go into battle with our own self and win...

Lee hun, try as often as you can to practice mindfulness and distraction...I play Alphabetty...lol I’ve been stuck on the same level for over 7 months now, I won’t give up until I get past that stage, same with depression I won’t give up trying until I’m past this stage I’m stuck in...

Please Lee, try not to give up on you, I certainly never will give up on you ever..that’s what friends are for...to be their for them as much as I can be....

Believe in yourself that you can achieve peace, it’s achievable. there are a few posts, here in the forums where peace has been achieved...I believe in you...💜...if others can do it so can we....We have to always believe this..I know it’s really hard to....

Im really pleased you don’t have anxiety, it’s the pits..it keeps me a prisoner most times....I’m okay, but can get overwhelmed with loneliness and then sadness soon follows....then sure enough a huge downer.

Tuesday went okay, I like being left alone out back to sort the donations...Next Tuesday, only two at the shop, so I’ll probably be told to stay out front...I know, I’m bad, as soon as the boss goes I change with the other girl if she wants to, which she always does...My fear of people and having to talk to them...I know not rational...but it’s me...

I’m fine Lee,..... My Mental Health Nurse (mhn).. is coming again this arvo, I better answer the door this time..She has done before threatened me with hospital and the mental health hostels in the other town for weekend admittance...

oh I forgot to tell you your such an incredibly beautiful and kind soul, thank you for being who you are and being my friend..it means a lot to me...

I hope you have a wonderful day today beautiful lady..

Grandy...hugs..love..🤗🤗💜💜..

[Lee lee 73]

Hello dear Grandy,

How did the visit with your mhn go? No pressure to share. ..just only if you want to. Sounds like she knows you well then. I'm on her side in this instance. 😉

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement Grandy. I will try!

And please, you keep trying too. I feel honoured to have your friendship lovely lady. I can very much relate to your loneliness and sadness.😢. We are all here for you dear Grandy.

I do hope your day was good. You are the beautiful soul Grandy.

Take good care, lots of self care.

Big warm hugs 🤗🤗😘😘

Lee xx

[Ggrand]

Hello lovely Lee,

I hope you have a great weekend..also I’m hoping your feeling better then yesterday...

😁yes my mhn knows me very well.. She want to see me in her room on Tuesday....

I also feel very honoured to have you friendship as well, thank you very much for your beautiful love and care, I really do appreciate you...

I’m really sorry for your loneliness Lee..I think not having anxiety it would be harder for you to cope with it, because you can get out there and be around people and still still feel very lonely....I find it hard to be around people, I avoid them....yet I miss having someone I’m comfortable talking to...

Lee, honey just don’t ever give up trying to feel the happiness that we are supposed to feel.... do you have people that you go out with at times, for a cuppa or lunch, or movie...only if you want to answer, it’s okay if you don’t....

Do you have a balcony or any little outdoor area where you live, that is accessible from your flat/unit/house...sorry if you mentioned before... was just thinking about if you have a nice sunny spot to sit in,...

How are you feeling Lee, it’s started out nice and sunny, now it’s windy dull and coolish...you probably have beautiful weather where your living...

I hope so much that you enjoy today and have some light in your day..

Sending you lots of hugs..love and peace 💜💜🤗🤗🕊🕊...

Thankyou for being the person your are beautiful lady..

Grandy......ohh I still got some 🍫 that I found at mine...😂here you go enjoy.😁..

[Lee lee 73]

I struggle to write on my own thread knowing that others are hurting and have far worse mh illnesses than me. But I notice others keep writing and that is the whole point of this forum. So I'm going to continue. ..

Something has shifted within me these last few weeks. I feel like I have died on the inside. No enjoyment at all. Just complete emptiness. When you cry continuously you just want to stop now I can't even cry but want to so badly. I even tried watching a sad movie but that didn't work. I can feel it in my chest, my heart. There's this tightness or darkness. No energy or urge to smile when I know I have to. I literally just want to stay at home 24/7. I don't even want to explore my new surroundings. I took up dragon boating and often went kayaking when I first moved here. I went to "meet up" groups and we did all sorts of activities. It was hard to do at the time but I still did it. I just don't fit in. I'm an extrovert, I was brushed with the ugly stick at birth and I'm not good at anything,just someone in the background -a nobody. ( I know I keep repeating myself ) . I'm tired of my life, tired of being me. Exhausted - actually.

My suicidal thoughts are relentless. They don't scare me, I just feel angry I don't have the courage to act. I know they are real.

I am eating, twice a day at the most. I still go to work even though I hate it. I went for a beach walk yesterday with a friend. I'm currently sitting outside in my courtyard whilst my gorgeous cat chases bugs amongst the weeds and has just eyed off 2 kookaburras sitting on the fence. None of this takes the pain away. It doesn't stop the constant urge to want to self harm. For once in my life I just want someone to hold me..

I had my last treatment of the trial last week. I don't know what to do. I stopped taking meds prior to trial. They weren't working. I don't want to go back on any. I want to try to get by without them but I know I don't have the motivation to help myself as I have no reason to live.

(Sorry for the downer of a post)

Lee

[Ggrand]

Dearest Lee,

I read your post here and immediately thought of how slack I’ve been, Im sorry that I’ve not been able to support you very much. Can I give you a big warm cuddle, I also am craving that warm, safe feeling of being hugged, someone’s arm around me, comforting me, it really does does make so many good feelings inside of us..

Lee, I can relate so much to what your feeling, the emptiness of not having emotions, just feeling completely flat. Please Lee please sweety don’t isolate yourself inside, your elderly patients/friends need you and I’m so very would like/love you so much, I am not a patient of yours but I do love you lee, and care for you as so many others here do...I would do just about anything to be able to meet up one day and we can all meet and enjoy a good hug, I can imagine how many tears would fall that day in that spot, an instant river would be made from everyone’s tears...Please be okay lee, you mean a lot to me.

Lee where you live sounds lovely, being able to walk along the beach daily is something I dream of, it’s just so very peaceful, the airs different, the ocean is glorious, the animal, bird life abundant, it’s so very nice to hear that you had a friend to walk along the beach with...that’s magic lee, wow kayaking, sound wet and wild fun... would have been really fun...

I know lee, and I’m so very sorry, the pain seems to stay with us doesn’t it, but we/ I do get a few days, weeks relief from this pain, and those days are good days, I’m always striving to gets to those days, Please Lee, strive for the good days, They are so worth it...

Lee, please go back to your gp, and let him/her know the trials are over and get reassessed for some ADs, you may need to start taking them again..I tried without them it’s just so hard..it’s your decision sweety but please just go to you gp and speak to him/her about what your feeling and fearing ..

Ill be back again soon lovely lee, because I may have been pulled down to where I’m at now but theirs a way back up to the light, it’s a hard climb up, I don’t like it here I’m scared and feel so alone, I’m hoping I start my climb back up and out again very soon...Hey how about I meet you at the top, then we can sit down on the grassy bank, put out feet in the water, and drink some melted chocolate (not drink. but real melted chocolate)..and graze on strawberries and enjoy a pot of hot steaming strong tea...

Love and care for you lee,

Grandy..

[Quercus]

Hi again Lee,

I do read quietly and your latest post came at a time I feel able to write. I hope that's ok.

Have you considered a hospital stay seeing as your suicidal thoughts are relentless? Private or public are both valid options if you need to see a psychiatrist quickly and are willing to be very blunt about how at risk you are.

My friend did this a few months ago. She was in a public hospital for a week. They tried her on about 5 different medications and finally tried an anti psychotic. She said that felt scary to admit but the results were so amazing. She has had depression for over 10 years and finally something is working.

My point is this trial and error approach can only be done in hospital. She was at severe risk at home so it was worth the try.

You mentioned you're reluctant to try meds again and I do understand this. I get so frustrated when you get given a medication to trial and it can take years to find something that works. In the meantime quality of life feels poor.

Also would you consider checking out a thread I started with something you wrote in mind. It is called lonliness and isolation the silent killers in the staying well section. I was secretly hoping you would feel able to contribute. I agree with you totally that feeling isolated and lonely is a a very real hurt. It feeds depression.

I wonder if you (and anyone who wishes to join in) would help brainstorm. There has to be a way to connect you to others. I don't see anything in you that is unlikeable.

I hope your weekend gets easier and the black dog gives you some respite.

Nat

[Croix]

Dear Lee~

I'm glad you re still writing, even though you cannot see the people here - they are real, with real hearts and care for you.

I know you are sick of people who offer fix-its. Such things can seem irrelevant and tend to make one think the person involved simply does not understand. I found it annoying at times.

Perhaps I'll simply share a couple of things that I enjoy, the only bit of propaganda I'll insert is that I too have felt the only alternative was to succumb to increasing suicidal thoughts, but am here instead, and they are in the past.

I found my partner in early middle age, and umpteen years later are together and still in love. I had thought when my first partner had died young that was it, happily I was wrong.

I live in a colder area and am sitting in front of an open wood fire, burnt down to red glowing embers that put out buckets of heat, so much I have to move my feet away. It's been windy, with the blinds rattling, and that simply emphasizes being snug.

Sumo Cat - whose history morphing from Scardey Cat to Sumo is in:

Forums / Staying well / Store Your Happy Memories Here:

is by my elbow flaked out ( in cat parlance 'busy' ) and almost upside down while I type to you on my laptop. Nasty Cat is right in front of the fire similarly occupied. Nasty does take up the best position on all occasions and hisses at anyone else (me included)

Foxy Dog is not allowed in the room and has to skulk in the kitchen cadging scraps - a sad life.

If I think back to a very bad time, when I'd lost hope, was frighted and also upset by the plight of the other in-patients I remember a kind soul in the shape of a psych nurse gave me adolescents' fantasy books to read.

What an escape. I was in a world far removed from me and my hassles, where heroes got their reward and villains their just deserts. Reading - which had deserted me -returned and I'm still basking in make-believe.

Is there anything that does that for you - even for a couple of minutes?

I hope you do not mind me talking of my menagerie, at least it is a change

Croix