I've had enough of being a nobody -just need to vent

[Lee lee 73]

I know what I feel but struggle to find the words.

I've had clinical depression for 10yrs. Numerous suicide attempts and hospitalisations.

I think about suicide every single day. Can't remember a day where I haven't. Everyday I wish I was dead and to miraculously not wake up. My family are toxic, I've never had a loving relationship, never felt mutually cared for or loved, never been proposed to, never married, never had kids. As a woman i feel embarrassed and ashamed of this. Feel ostracized because of this and so struggle to have things in common to form strong female friendship. My only support network is my psychologist but after5yrs of therapy I'm done talking. Done sounding like a broken record.

Yes, I know I dwell on what I don't have but this has not always been the case. I triedd and tried and tried. I'm sick of hesrinf my own thoughts 24/7 year after year. I've had enough. No one really knows what it's like to live totally alone year after year. I can't help but dwell on this. It's not natural to not have been loved, it's not what being human is about, I'm not human. I'm a nobody.

[Lee lee 73]

Hello Amanda,

Thank you so much for your message. Yes, I totally agree, I am so very fortunate to have Grandy as my supporter and friend - you are my champion Grandy 🤗.

A long term client of mine recently passed away due to a terminal illness. I supported both him and his wife (still do) who was his sole carer so I have a tiny tiny insight in that aspect. It must be truly hard for you Amanda, especially having to deal with your own mental health issues.

Yes, loneliness is also an issue for me but so too is what did and what didn't happen that lead to my loneliness - if that makes sense. Like most members here, this is the only place I have ever opened up and being a new member, I have only just touched the surface.

Amanda, please don't get me wrong, I know being in a relationship isn't always peaches and cream and that one can also feel alone. I witnessed physical and mental abuse and alcoholism growing up with my parents. And as kids, we copped the brunt of their own childhood traumas. Which I can understand now, but as a kid it stays with you.

I did read page 34 of your thread. I don't know if directing me to that particular page was your intention for numerous reasons and it doesn't matter if you did or didn't - I just felt like I had to get the above off of my chest. I want to thank you for letting me get to know you.

I agree, there is a difference between being lonely and alone. I have no problem with the former, just the latter.

I hear ya about our pets being our "best little mate". They are so intuitive aren't they?

Take good care Amanda - lots of self care.

Warmest wishes 🐱🐕💛

Lee

[Guest8901]

Dear Lee,

Thankyou for your reply. And thanks also for taking the time to get to know me just a little by having a quick read of my thread.

The only reason I suggested you read page 34 of my thread was because you said you'd like to get to know me a little. And I would never expect anyone to read through the lot, there is just way too much for anyone coming in down the track.

Anyway, back in May another member suggested that a summary of long term threads would be useful for new members joining in on long term support threads. I agreed, and set about in doing a bit of a synopsis of my life. That is now contained in that page, posted over the period of about a week. I actually found the process quite therapeutic. I think in doing so, I came to understand me a little better, and also to not be quite as self critical as I had been.

As for opening up here on bb, yes it takes time. You will hopefully gain trust in the forums and the people who make them what they are. As you gain confidence different aspects of your life will come out. You can say as much or as little as you feel comfortable with.

Ive never had anyone I could confide in before, never had an outlet, so this has been a steep learning curve for me, but a worthwhile one.

Im truly sorry for all that you went through as a young child. My Dad was also an alcoholic. They say you tend to marry someone very much like your own Dad. In my case, thats true.

Wishing you a good night Lee.

🐕🐶🐈🐱

Amanda 💕

[Ggrand]

Hello lovely gentle Lee,

Im calling in here as well as other lovelies to wish you a beautiful day...In my little part of this amazing universe the sun is shining, why not take a little walk outside, umm shoes off Sweet lady, feel that cool green grass under your feet, hear the song of the pretty birds singing there thanks to Mother Nature, feel the sun heating your skin, it's feels so relaxing. look around you donyou see trees swaying in the wind leaves gently falling to the ground, its beautiful isn't it when your mindful of a brand new Morning...A new day is a new start for us all...

How about going outside and playing with your gorgeous cat with a piece of string, you said your cat is your life...Let me tell you something..you are your cats life as well you are your little fur buddies somebody...After time with your fur buddy how's about a walk along the beach...great mindfullness...

Please choof...choof...the black dog away from you today, when you think about him, say to choof off..and think as hard as you can about something you really love..your cute little kitty..and the fun times you have together...Black dog..Beasty, [IT]. xx....doesn't like any good happy thoughts so they choof off. Think happy thoughts lovely friend..

Im hoping for you a beautiful day today...💜🤗🌹... with peace 🕊

Grandy....xxx🕊..

[Lee lee 73]

Thank you Grandy.

I sincerely hope you, Kya and Ebony had a peaceful day

💜❤🐕🐕

Lee

[Ggrand]

Hello Lee,

I hope you and iszy had a great weekend...It's been really icy cold winds blowing here..How about where you live..was it cold their today?..What dis you do on the weekend. Only if you want to tell...if not it's okay..

How have you been feeling... I hope your feeling better in yourself...you deserve some peace lovely lady..

I don't watch very much tv at all, I have to be careful of going down in a trigger if I watch tv, so usually a DVD or a fantasy movie, game shows are okay, but that's about it...even the kids cartoons today are so full of violence..

Do you work tomorrow,

[Lee lee 73]

Hello beautiful,

So sorry your feeling low Grandy.

I've been feeling like crap as well Grandy - Iszy and I have had a similar weekend to you, kya and ebony me thinks....

I often wonder if our fur babies get the black dog too Grandy - sometimes their stares are oh so familiar. ....

I get triggered watching mainstream telly..... I can pretty much only watch stuff that's based on facts such as health and animal docos. Do you have a favourite movie?

It's warm here in QLD Grandy. Although today was a bit colder with 21 degrees.....lol.

I lived in Canberra for 30yrs -I soooo don't miss those icy winds. They literally chill you to the bone don't they? I feel for you 🌬⛇.

Yeah, I work tomorrow 🙁

Were you able to get up today lovely?

[Lee lee 73]

Just want to say Grandy, if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be sticking it out on this forum. ..I'm not sure it's for me and sometimes I wonder if I'm in the right head space to be here 🙁????

I hope you catch the sandman tonight and you kya and ebony stay warm. Be kind to yourself beautiful amazing spirited lady.

Shoo that black dog away too!

Thank you for caring Grandy. Wishing big sleeps

Big warm hugs

Lee

[Ggrand]

Hello beautiful Lee,

Awe that's okay sweetheart, I'm okay..but I'm sorry that your feeling like crap..makes me sad to hear that....I hope tomorrow is better for you.....Our fur buddies are the best, they keep us warm by laying all over us, they give us a reason to get out of bed in the morning...At times my doggies cry in their sleep and I wake them up because it makes me sad that to think they suffer as well.....

I would have to say..The big friendly Giant....Dinotopia are movies I enjoy the best.. also the lord of the rings trilogy and the hobbits,

Queensland is beautiful weather I have heard....I'm pleased to hear your close to the beach, which is good as it seems to be your grounding place....I went once when I was a young child...I can still remember parts of it..

Canberra is cold, lol...I think they get weather like we do here in the central west...just guessing...

Okay I'm going to try and sleep now..no ADs tonight..

I really hope you get a good sleep tonight and your day tomorrow is a pleasant one...Working and looking after the elderly must be very rewarding for you. It takes a very special kind, caring, compassionate person with lots of patients to care for them...

You have so many good things about you Lee...We can beat the black dog, I know we can..The BD..(black dog). is just our thoughts..I done a lot research on depression, negativity etc..It's all of it our thoughts..If we can change our thoughts and mindset permanently we have won....Easy in words but very hard in doing it...just food for thought..

Lots of Huggly huggle hugs🤗🤗🤗 and peace 🕊🕊🕊🕊🕊. Lovely lady..

Good Night...I hope you sleep well..

Grandy....

[Lee lee 73]

.....you are so right Grandy - bd is just negative thoughts.

Goodnight and sweet dreams to you lovely.

🤗🤗🤗😻🐶🐶😚

[Lee lee 73]

Hi Grandy,
I just read your thread and I share demonblasters concerns.

Grandy, Did the pharmacy provide you with an information leaflet when you got the new medication? It lists possible side effects and therefore can perhaps give one 'piece of mind' so to speak . In addition, if it is listed as a side effect, show this to your mhn who then may then be able to raise it as a concern given that anxiety already is a major concern for you.

Grandy, I was thinking ahead because of tomorrow... when I had to go The times I have to go to the shops and don't want anyone to talk to me, I plug my ear phones in. They're not plugged in to anything 🙊. ....and I hide the cord down my top via my neck line..... I just found them to be a deterrent because people think you're listening to something. I totally understand if your work at vinnies doesn’t allow for it and you may feel doing so may offend other people ....it is just something to ponder over lovely.

Hope you are ok today and that your furbabies are giving yoy lots of deserved hugs and comfort. My thoughts are with you Grandy.
Lots of warm hugs 🤗🤗🤗

(Sorry for not posting this on your thread Grandy. ...it's weird but I feel as though I'm crashing your thread - lol. It's just me, no other reason !)