I'm really trying to feel better about myself

[Music_Freak]

I don't know where to start with this, there's so much in my head right now...

I've got nothing, but my cat...no job, no friends, far from a family priority etc. etc.

My mum died 10 years ago on 26.2 and I still miss her so badly, she was the only person I had who was in my corner. Everyone else (family, friends that currently aren't talking to me) say I play the victim and am all "woe is me"

My sister's said I look like a silverback gorilla and other such things. She's a bully who gets away with it all, because she's the favourite and "normal" (kids, married, no mental illness - although I have doubts about that last one). My dad's called me fat and said that "You're bent like your mother" (she was bipolar). He lives with me and getting him to do anything is such a battle, he doesn't feel like paying the rent, so it's left to me, goes to work when he feels like it, helps my sister with her house but won't with me etc. etc. etc....I could go on and on with them!!

I have a GP and a psychologist that I should go back to (sessions are free and they're within walking distance), but I wonder if it's worth it when my psychologist said me running an instagram account for a celebrity is me living in fantasy land

I won't write any more, because I can't see anyone replying. I've got nothing and nobody and just want to forget...

[Music_Freak]

I couldn't even make myself go into volunteering today, I literally made myself sick with anxiety overnight 😞 I made an excuse about needing to call a plumber about my toilet not working (which wasn't wrong, but it was because of the constant flushing)

I feel so incredibly pathetic right now

I have to somehow drag myself in there tomorrow...oh god...what the hell is wrong with me?!

I don't know how I'm going to do it, frankly

[Croix]

Dear music_Freak~

I have no idea if this will help you - possibly as it helps me.

As a person for whom confrontation and strife is nowadays something to be completely avoided if at all possible sometimes I have to go into work knowing there is probably gong to be a 'frank discussion' or some such.

Starting days before the stress builds up, the physical symptoms come to the fore (including the plumber's delight you mentioned), the mind goes around and around the forthcoming event, unproductively examining it from all its gloomy angles again and again.

I get up and concentrate on the bathroom - try to exclude all else, then breakfast, again try for total preoccupation. Then the car and driving - this is tricky as the mind wants to gravitate away from the tasks of driving to what the future holds. Then parking.. etc. etc, You get the idea?

I'm doing little manageable steps, putting off thinking about the actual event until I'm there and functioning. Once I am in place events tend to take over, then it's done.

Distraction the night before, maybe meds to sleep, then awake and no time to think adverse thoughts.

I know, not 100%, does not work as advertised, YMMV, I've found it helped.

Croix

[Croix]

P.S. I'm sorry I forgot to say (brain 50'% and falling), you are not pathetic, you are human and judge yourself far too harshly. Everyone in the universe makes excuses, some make a career out of it (they are called 'politicians').

Most will never admit what they've done - that puts you in the upper echelon of honest humans.

Take heart, it will be ok, so many here, me included, have stood in your shoes, we understand.

-C

[Guest_322]

Hi Narelle,

What a rough day, you've had. Sometimes thoughts and anxiety can go into overdrive as has been the case for you.

If it helps the tiniest bit, I can guarantee that you're not the first (and definitely won't be the last) to tell a white lie at work/volunteering. Countless people call in "sick" at work, for example.

So I don't think you're "pathetic" but just human, you know. I mean, I've called in "sick" at work before even though I was definitely not sick!

Maybe today just wasn't the right day and you needed to sit it out for your mental health. Tomorrow is another day: a chance for a "do over."

It might be worthwhile giving Croix's suggestions a go to contain the anxious thoughts?

Dottie x

[Music_Freak]

I didn't go yesterday, I just couldn't make myself do it. I still feel awful about the whole thing. I said I'd be in on Monday, but I still have to convince myself.

I feel stupid because I've let my anxiety grow...

I went to an appointment, I didn't make myself drive, but at least I got there. I still want to curl up and cry though 😞

[Guest_322]

Hi Narelle,

Well done on making it to your appointment! Anxiety can be very debilitating but the fact that you still pushed yourself to go is quite an achievement. You may not feel this way but I think it's something worth feeling proud for.

Random sidenote: maybe it would help you to write and date achievements- big or small- so you can look back on them when you're having a bad day and need some encouragement (?)

I feel needing to postpone volunteer work because of anxiety doesn't make you "stupid." Timing is everything, and especially with your growing anxiety, maybe Monday and Tuesday this week just wasn't "right" for you.

Next Monday is another opportunity to give it another go. Would it help to incorporate some of Croix's suggestions?

In addition, what I find personally helpful- it may or may not work for you- is when things are particularly rough, I break down one task into micro steps. For example, in your case, it's volunteer work. So maybe you could get a piece of paper and break it down.

E.g.

1. Choose outfit on Sunday (to minimise stress on Monday) and pack bag/handbag.

2. Set alarm on Sunday

3. Get up at "x" time on Monday

4. Complete morning routine:

- brush teeth

- shower

- etc

5. Make breakfast

6. Eat breakfast

7. Make way to volunteering location

I know it's straightforward. But the idea is when you're feeling very anxious, sometimes even basic tasks feel overwhelming. But if you have a to-do list in front of you, it might help. It's just a suggestion and it's completely up to you if you want to take it on board (or not).

Hang in there Narelle. Just remember that you still made it to your appointment, which should show yourself that you have the ability to soldier on despite your anxiety.

Dottie x

[Music_Freak]

Thanks Dottie, I will try yours and Croix's ideas, I need to do anything I can to get me out the door 🙂

I'm trying to be proud of myself for making the appointment, even though I didn't make myself drive (I'm planning to next week), I ended up with paperwork I shouldn't have taken, which has delayed everything...whoops

I'm just going to try and not overthink and totally relax today 🙂

[Croix]

Dear Narelle (I hope you don't mind me using your name)~

I've a little thing to try to say, it's a bit hard to explain, but applies to me and I guess to many others.

Things have an impetus of their own. By that I mean, for example, success breeds success.

An example - in exams (yes I know it's a bit of a specialized example) I always do the easy questions first -why? Because those simple successes give me confidence to do harder things, and do them better than if I had started with them.

Similarly if I don't do something well, that breeds too and the disappointment and feelings of failure make the next things that much harder, and makes me more likely to fail.

What does this mean? Well Dottie's schedue is excellent, a series of easier task at which you will succeed leading up and on.

The other thing is everybody - me, you, all - has reserves of strength that they are unaware of until called up.

You should be proud of yourself, every step forward is a victory hard won.

Croix

[Guest_322]

Hi Narelle,

A rest day today sounds like a good idea. It would be a great chance to regather your strength.

Enjoy your recharge day !

Dottie x

[Music_Freak]

I'm such a failure...

I haven't been in to my volunteering yet (they're probably completely fed up with me by now). I said I'll be in tomorrow and I'm dreading it already. I'm going to take sleep meds and do literally one thing at a time until I walk in the door.

The stupid thing is that I want to work, but when I can't turn up to volunteering I must be kidding myself about the whole thing.

My head is a mess right now and I'm sitting in bed (I've barely left it) crying, about to force myself into the shower...

The 13th of February ten years ago was the day my mum left home in an ambulance. She never came home and 13 days later I sat next to her hospital bed in the ICU and watched her die.

I just have to push through all this and function, even if it's just tomorrow and Wednesday (I have a job network appt then)...I'm just not sure how, or if I even can