I'm really trying to feel better about myself

[Music_Freak]

I don't know where to start with this, there's so much in my head right now...

I've got nothing, but my cat...no job, no friends, far from a family priority etc. etc.

My mum died 10 years ago on 26.2 and I still miss her so badly, she was the only person I had who was in my corner. Everyone else (family, friends that currently aren't talking to me) say I play the victim and am all "woe is me"

My sister's said I look like a silverback gorilla and other such things. She's a bully who gets away with it all, because she's the favourite and "normal" (kids, married, no mental illness - although I have doubts about that last one). My dad's called me fat and said that "You're bent like your mother" (she was bipolar). He lives with me and getting him to do anything is such a battle, he doesn't feel like paying the rent, so it's left to me, goes to work when he feels like it, helps my sister with her house but won't with me etc. etc. etc....I could go on and on with them!!

I have a GP and a psychologist that I should go back to (sessions are free and they're within walking distance), but I wonder if it's worth it when my psychologist said me running an instagram account for a celebrity is me living in fantasy land

I won't write any more, because I can't see anyone replying. I've got nothing and nobody and just want to forget...

[Guest_1055]

Haven’t got much to say at the moment Narelle. But wanted you to know I am still reading along here is all. I am hearing you.

[Music_Freak]

Thank you Shell, that means a lot to me 🙂

[Music_Freak]

Well, today's a day I've been dreading for a while. My mum's anniversary. I've been awake since 2am, crying mostly, not sure how I'll get through today or the anniversary, ever. 

It's the 26th of February...I can still remember you slipping away from me, 12 years ago today. I can't believe that it's been so long when not much has changed. I'm still trying to survive without you, I still can't keep friends unless there's oceans between us and I still feel guilty that I wasn't good enough to get you to England to see your friend (a friend you knew for 30+ years - why can't I find people who want to know me for that long?!?!) and that I didn't do more to help you or let you come home like you wanted.
I'm at uni now, trying to give myself the life I want, it's so hard. I hate that I didn't do it sooner so you could see and be there to help me and it absolutely breaks my heart that you won't see me graduate. I doubt I'll even attend the ceremony because everyone will have people there...and I'll just have me. I'm not strong like you were, I just don't think I can face that. I hope after 12 years I'm finally making you proud like I said I would the day I watched you slip away...

I posted this message online with a link to the True Violet song and video for "Mommy I'm Sorry". I can barely listen to it or watch, I tried earlier and bawled my eyes out. The singer is married to Halestorm's drummer and she's hugging her mum at the end who's battled cancer on and off for years. Jessy (the singer) shaved her head to raise money for cancer and they put her doing it in the video with others.

[smallwolf]

Hi MF. Nothing I can say to you now will ease the pain. All I can do is lean to the discomfort of what you are feeling. And hold you at this raw and emotional time. Your mother would be proud of you, of what you have done.... getting into a Uni course and studying. She is with you every day and she will be with you in spirit when you graduate. And you never know who will be with you when you graduate. Try and remember some of the good times as well?

Peace and comforting thoughts,

Tim

[Music_Freak]

Thank you Tim. I appreciate your kind words of support.

The happier memories did begin to surface later in the day. I dragged her to a Robbie Williams concert the December before she died. She said she was only really going for me, but I remember looking over at her when he encouraged a bit of a karaoke session with lyrics on the big screens...she was singing her heart out and smiling.

I'll treasure that silly sight forever:)

[Music_Freak]

Finally written the intro for the social world essay, 230 words and it took me something like, four days to do...

I did get another 78% on the third assessment, so another distinction. I guess that's good...I just feel flat.

[smallwolf]

Distinctions are very good. Be happy?

Out of curiosity, when you are writing do you allow distractions to stop you from concentrating and writing?

[Music_Freak]

Hmmm, distractions...I do have music on low and I normally try to start writing early in the morning, but I'm wondering if this should change, because I seem to have a foggy brain lately. My cat is also not liking the summer heat and my keeping him in the cool, so he makes a lot of noise and gets in the way. That's probably it, really.

I am happy about the distinction, but I wonder if they just give easy/good marks. I was getting mostly P1's and P2's and the occasional better mark last semester, so I wonder.

Maybe I'm just too tired...

I did enquire this morning about how to complete my degree sooner, I wonder if I could manage or not with the extra workload. I know I'm having trouble getting back into the swing of things after the holidays, so if I could work it that I have less of a break, it may work out. It's an option, I guess

[Music_Freak]

Got a P2 for the essay plan. It's only worth 10% so not really worried. It just lead me to change my essay topic, so I'm starting over. I have until the 31st.

Going to try working on it tonight, might help with lessening the distractions and disgusting 40 degree heat today.

Still thinking about the adding to my workload to graduate sooner. I'm waiting to hear back from the uni because I think there's errors in my study plan\schedule.

[smallwolf]

Ouch. That does sound a bit warm.

What is the topic you are writing about?