I'm really trying to feel better about myself

[Music_Freak]

I don't know where to start with this, there's so much in my head right now...

I've got nothing, but my cat...no job, no friends, far from a family priority etc. etc.

My mum died 10 years ago on 26.2 and I still miss her so badly, she was the only person I had who was in my corner. Everyone else (family, friends that currently aren't talking to me) say I play the victim and am all "woe is me"

My sister's said I look like a silverback gorilla and other such things. She's a bully who gets away with it all, because she's the favourite and "normal" (kids, married, no mental illness - although I have doubts about that last one). My dad's called me fat and said that "You're bent like your mother" (she was bipolar). He lives with me and getting him to do anything is such a battle, he doesn't feel like paying the rent, so it's left to me, goes to work when he feels like it, helps my sister with her house but won't with me etc. etc. etc....I could go on and on with them!!

I have a GP and a psychologist that I should go back to (sessions are free and they're within walking distance), but I wonder if it's worth it when my psychologist said me running an instagram account for a celebrity is me living in fantasy land

I won't write any more, because I can't see anyone replying. I've got nothing and nobody and just want to forget...

[Music_Freak]

Soooo...I think I may have found another friend that lives local and likes Halestorm. We're meeting on Sunday and I'm freaking out about it.

Can't help thinking she'll be like all the others 😞

[Music_Freak]

I'm waiting for tomorrow to be over with...

I'm so alone, and I don't know what to do anymore 😞

[Music_Freak]

The meeting the Halestorm friend went OK, not that it matters, really...oh well, I guess I've got ba concert buddy, if nothing else.

How are you meant to be friends with people if you constantly have to watch what you say and pretend to be something you're not?!

[smallwolf]

Hey MF,

When is the show?

And what is stopping you from being yourself? You feel that you have to pretend to be something you're not. 😞

The distinction you got.. That's really good. There are some 'kids' who get help with the writing part, which I think is cheating but.... So I want you think back to when you did your first assignment to the current one and see how far you have come. Do you think that you are getting better at writing assignments? The current one seems to show that you are able to do it. Just have to believe in yourself?

Tim

[Music_Freak]

Halestorm are coming to Melbourne and Sydney for the download festival next month, but I'm not going. Tickets were $190 plus travel from Adelaide and accommodation, it just wasn't possible. I'm saving for the next tour though and the friend has said we're going together...we'll see if we're still friends (I don't have much hope with my keeping friends anymore!)

Being myself and being honest...just don't work. People run for the hills. The only friends I have (other than the concert buddy in Adelaide) are online. The common link? They haven't met me. I've written in one subject about starting an online study group, and so far one person has gotten back to me about it.

I'm going to start another major essay for The Social World tomorrow. It's not due until the 31st of March, but I don't want to leave it until the last minute with another 3 subjects starting up, probably this week.

I'm also dealing with the anniversary of my mums death...the official date is the 26th, hopefully I'll be too busy with the essay to notice until close to tea/bed time. It's 10am and I've cried already...

[Guest_1055]

I understand Narelle about not being free to be yourself. It is mixed up with the abandonment and rejection issues I think. We do not want to be ourselves because we may not be accepted and liked. My issues come from childhood. Maybe yours do as well. Though it sounds like you were close to you mum.

[smallwolf]

MF,

Good luck with your assignment(s). And I am certain your mother would be proud of you with your studies.

With the online study group even if you have only 1 person that is at least one other person you can swap ideas with. Even at the college I go to for my BTh students do not share ideas that much. Not like they used to. Sharing ideas is quite useful I think, as you can get opportunities to see things from other perspectives. If you have not, keep going with that idea.

Peace and comforting thoughts,

Tim

[Music_Freak]

My issues started as a teen...that's when all my friends seemed to up and leave, for various reasons. My mum was pretty much the only constant, except when she'd have bi polar episodes, that is. I guess that could be considered another constant. Just like my dad will likely be drunk.

I've got a few people in the chat, it's going OK so far, even if I feel like my guard is built sky high. I was going to start the essay today, try and get the introduction and possibly conclusion done. I just have to find some motivation and stay out of bed...

[smallwolf]

MF,

Sometimes I just have to start the assignment with lack of motivation and then about half and hour in, the motivation sets in. Not sure if that works for you.

And fwiw, my issues probably started as a teen if not earlier. I was speaking about this with my psychiatrist, and she said that it probably started before then. So I have a sort of understanding how you feel if that is possible.

Do you also write/journal? And have you been able to let go or move past whatever happened? For myself, I know that I cannot change whatever happened, but my heart still wishes differently. So it is hard for me. Keep moving forward.

Peace,

Tim

[Music_Freak]

I managed to get about 150 words done. I'll try and get more done this week...going to have to push myself a bit, I think...sometimes the motivation comes, sometimes no.

I don't journal or anything, just write fiction. Let go or move past? I'm not sure, I think it lingers. The self hatred certainly does. I just have to try and forget. Uni stress is kind of a distraction, hopefully when I'm working it does the same...if I get a job post uni, I have major doubts...