I'm really trying to feel better about myself

[Music_Freak]

I don't know where to start with this, there's so much in my head right now...

I've got nothing, but my cat...no job, no friends, far from a family priority etc. etc.

My mum died 10 years ago on 26.2 and I still miss her so badly, she was the only person I had who was in my corner. Everyone else (family, friends that currently aren't talking to me) say I play the victim and am all "woe is me"

My sister's said I look like a silverback gorilla and other such things. She's a bully who gets away with it all, because she's the favourite and "normal" (kids, married, no mental illness - although I have doubts about that last one). My dad's called me fat and said that "You're bent like your mother" (she was bipolar). He lives with me and getting him to do anything is such a battle, he doesn't feel like paying the rent, so it's left to me, goes to work when he feels like it, helps my sister with her house but won't with me etc. etc. etc....I could go on and on with them!!

I have a GP and a psychologist that I should go back to (sessions are free and they're within walking distance), but I wonder if it's worth it when my psychologist said me running an instagram account for a celebrity is me living in fantasy land

I won't write any more, because I can't see anyone replying. I've got nothing and nobody and just want to forget...

[Music_Freak]

Yeah, got my textbook, bought the other three this week too. Cost me $185 second hand...other than that I'm not really ready. I did move a desk into my lounge (where my air con is), so that'll help the doing of work. The assessnents of this first study period subject are pretty tight, with a week or two between due dates - yikes!!

I'm getting both daith done to see if they help me with headaches /migraines, my left nostril (I heard it helps with period pain) and the top of my left ear. I also want a third hole in my earlobes and second tragus done, but they will have to wait for later in the year probably.

My hair will basically still be a fauxhawk, but professionally done for once (I have a free cut from just cuts from a bonus card). Going to bus it and get that done early.

A full refund - that did make me giggle 🙂

I've been awake since 3am, so might be a long day, still I should be home from piercings by 3pm, so can try and nap, if I can get comfortable.

[Music_Freak]

Piercing healing is going better than study is. I lasted less than 2 hours before I gave up and ended up having a 3-4 hour nap...whoopsie...

Going to have to force more of an effort out of me tomorrow (and from now on), even though it'll be 39 😞

[Croix]

Dear Narelle~

First off ta for the good wishes.

Trying to study when you are not used to it and in uncomfortable heat is possible, but does take a bit of planning. Can I suggest you do the easiest stuff first and plan to have study periods that seem shorter than you can do. Say you could study for 40 minutes, make it 20. Have a break (you chose the length) with a walk around then another 20 minutes - and so on.

The idea is to feel good about what you accomplish, and not stretching is the way to do that. Stretching comes later but if you have been building up you get there.

I think it is really great you have chosen to study. It actually was what rescued me. Having been invalided out of my occupation I was lost. In time my partner suggested study. I did not care either way, but it took on a life of its own and I found I could do it, even if at a slower pace than normal.

Hope the hot weather does not last and you have an easier time of it

Croix

[Music_Freak]

Thanks Croix, I'm sure I'll figure out a system.

I got some bad news today though...my study grant from the uni has been stopped because I got a loan from Centrelink (which I have to pay back, like HECS debt). I have to re-apply next year, so right now I don't know how I'm going to pay a $500+ summer electricity bill. Plus car rego and repairs and every other bill, food etc...I should know from how my dad treated me that I can't spend money on myself - ever. I solely exist just to pay bills.

I emailed them today to see how I can remain eligible for next year, this is something I just really didn't need...

[Croix]

Dear Narelle~

That's terrible, don't know what to say. How do you plan on coping with this?

I'm sure you will cope, you have faced so much, and built up to starting studying.

Just an idle thought; can you do a MOOC in the same area of study, give you a head start for later. Many unis, such as UQ offer them online for free.

Hang in there, you will overcome

Croix

[Music_Freak]

I have no idea Croix...cut down on food and using the air conditioner are all I can do really. Once the huge summer electricity bill is paid I MIGHT do OK...I just budgeted like I was getting the money, so it's all pretty messed up now. Hopefully I can keep some of this centrelink loan, that I wish I'd never got, to help...

I've never heard of MOOC, but it may be worth looking into.

I'm meant to start a uni subject tomorrow and all I want to do is crawl into a hole and hide. I've been trying for days to make a start on it and get ahead, but my brain just wouldn't/couldn't do it

[Croix]

Dear Narelle

There is a date you can pull out without an academic or financial penalty, if you are not able to continue without a HEX loan I'd suggest you look into it.

MOOCs are free on-line courses that sometimes give qualifications, but normally just give you a structured way of leaning without any cost. I'd thought if you could find one or two in the same subject areas as a couple of your units it would be a good way to make a start until you get the financial side sorted out and start formally.

I don't blame you brain for not wanting to function, it really is a horrible and discouraging surprise

Croix

[Music_Freak]

Had a kind of productive day...

Got a first draft of my assessment done. It was painful, but I did it. I'll re-read and stuff tomorrow, my brain is a bit fried this evening.

I also called the uni people about my study grant. They're going to see if they can amend my application after I cancelled my centrelink loan, if not, they said I could apply for the mid year payment. I'm just waiting for confirmation.

I'll probably still struggle financially, but hopefully it means no more extra debt, post uni.

[Croix]

Dear Narelle~

That's all pretty good news, if you can keep on going with your enrolled course that's great. I hope the cash hold out without you having to make too many sacrifices.

How's Buddy getting on?

Croix

[Music_Freak]

Hi Croix,

Buddy is good, he's curled up sleeping at my feet at the moment. I think we're both fed up with the summer heat right now, I know I am.

The grant is back to a continuing payment, which is good and such a relief. I'll probably miss the extra $1000 cash injection from the centrelink loan twice a year, but getting that amount from the uni grant every year means that I won't have any extra debt to pay when I graduate, just the first loan I got. But what's another $1000 when I have an automatic $3500 or so debt every semester for four years!

I've been told to just focus on what getting a degree means though, so I will do just that 🙂