I'm really trying to feel better about myself

[Music_Freak]

I don't know where to start with this, there's so much in my head right now...

I've got nothing, but my cat...no job, no friends, far from a family priority etc. etc.

My mum died 10 years ago on 26.2 and I still miss her so badly, she was the only person I had who was in my corner. Everyone else (family, friends that currently aren't talking to me) say I play the victim and am all "woe is me"

My sister's said I look like a silverback gorilla and other such things. She's a bully who gets away with it all, because she's the favourite and "normal" (kids, married, no mental illness - although I have doubts about that last one). My dad's called me fat and said that "You're bent like your mother" (she was bipolar). He lives with me and getting him to do anything is such a battle, he doesn't feel like paying the rent, so it's left to me, goes to work when he feels like it, helps my sister with her house but won't with me etc. etc. etc....I could go on and on with them!!

I have a GP and a psychologist that I should go back to (sessions are free and they're within walking distance), but I wonder if it's worth it when my psychologist said me running an instagram account for a celebrity is me living in fantasy land

I won't write any more, because I can't see anyone replying. I've got nothing and nobody and just want to forget...

[smallwolf]

MF,

Yes you do get a "debt" for the education. Sucks, I know. Been there, done that! My son will be learning about this also as he has been accepted into Uni also. But you will start to pay this back when you earn a certain amount of money, and it automatically deducted from your pay at that time also. But also remember to look at what you will have or get to do once completed...

Tell me again what you will be able to do with the course/qualifications once completed?

That is your ultimate goal.

Tim

PS. I would add that your course selection would help you move towards your values. I have an app on my phone that has a popup notification "are you moving towards or away from your values". I am putting my Bth on hold and doing a counselling diploma. And once that is completed I will return to the BTh. But that course gives me a chance to move from IT to something where my values lie. I am sure this is case you for you also?

[Music_Freak]

I'll be a social worker when I graduate. Not sure what area I'll get into, but that's the plan. My idea behind it is to be able to help people in crisis like I wish I'd had someone to help me - no one should have to deal with that alone. I'd like to show people that there is a light at the end of a dark tunnel. I thought about getting into counselling, but wondered if I'd get too emotionally involved in people's situations.

[Music_Freak]

I'm not doing well with anything lately. I even zone out and miss most of what I watch on netflix!

It's too hot...can't focus on study, get housework done, be motivated for anything. It's bad.

I've got 2 weeks to get an assessment done...I'm going to have to force myself to do it at some point 😞

I've tried talking to my new uni friends, but they never seem to reply...I guess they're sick of me already or something. I did have an inkling it was all to good to be true, so maybe my gut was right...again.

[Guest_1055]

Hey Narelle, what is this latest assessment on? I am not sure about you, but I mostly always find it interesting learning new stuff.

And is there a pool near you or the beach?

[Music_Freak]

It's a sociology subject about crime. I have to find a newspaper article and write an analysis or something...sounds boring. I'll get around to doing it at some stage

I live about 10 or so minutes drive from the beach, but I don't really like it much. The last time I was at a beach was when I scattered my mum's ashes, on my own. I guess that turned me off them, there's also all the sand and people...

[Doolhof]

Hi Music_Freak,

That must have been tough, spreading your Mum's ashes by yourself, or was it a healing time for you?

Your comments about the beach remind me of my husband who dislikes the beach. I have never seen him take his shoes off at the beach, don't recall him swimming in the ocean apart from once on holiday, he hates the smell of seaweed, dislikes the sand getting anywhere and hates it when dogs are on the beach.

Hope you manage to get started on your assignment.

Cheers from Dools

[Birdy77]

Dear MF,

I would not read too much into your uni friends not messaging you back over the holidays: you mentioned they have families ... I virtually do not speak to my friends-with-kids all summer because they are simply too busy, doing their things with kids on holidays and then this week would be organising back-to-school stuff.

Try to take it with a grain of salt.

I usually get a text mid Feb from my oldest friend saying how-was-your-summer.

Same with my other friends who are mums and dads.

Summer holidays are generally full-on for them.

The crime analysis sounds ... hmmm .. I'm not sure! Can you do it on a podcast?

🌻birdy

[Music_Freak]

Dools,

Scattering the ashes was as bad as the funeral. By then I'd realised just how little I and my mum mattered to the family. My mum's ashes were dumpedin a junk cupboard before I demanded them. No one even cared enough to do what she wanted. I still feel guilty to this day that I didn't just take the ashes and scatter them sooner than 5 years later. I could have filled the container with dirt, like they all think we are...

Birdy,

I'm trying to not think the silence from friends isn't because of me, but it's hard when that's all that's happened to you in the past with friends.

I don't think I can do the assessment on a podcast, I think it has to be an article of a certain length. I'm hoping to get started on Saturday when it's cooler here (it's currently 40°+ here). I hate summer!!

[Guest_1055]

Narelle it is a beautiful what you did with your mums ashes.

And I wonder what sort of crime for your assessment?

[RicardoD]

I can sympathise on the heat front - 44 now and the electricity just went off in the building. Yay! Only a few months to go until I can walk outside and maybe even leave the shadows so I don't get burnt the sh*t out of ha ha

Not much I can add on the funeral side, it sounds awful. Try not to worry about the friends. I can go for years without speaking to some of my best friends and as soon as we meet again it's like old times.