I'm really trying to feel better about myself

[Music_Freak]

I don't know where to start with this, there's so much in my head right now...

I've got nothing, but my cat...no job, no friends, far from a family priority etc. etc.

My mum died 10 years ago on 26.2 and I still miss her so badly, she was the only person I had who was in my corner. Everyone else (family, friends that currently aren't talking to me) say I play the victim and am all "woe is me"

My sister's said I look like a silverback gorilla and other such things. She's a bully who gets away with it all, because she's the favourite and "normal" (kids, married, no mental illness - although I have doubts about that last one). My dad's called me fat and said that "You're bent like your mother" (she was bipolar). He lives with me and getting him to do anything is such a battle, he doesn't feel like paying the rent, so it's left to me, goes to work when he feels like it, helps my sister with her house but won't with me etc. etc. etc....I could go on and on with them!!

I have a GP and a psychologist that I should go back to (sessions are free and they're within walking distance), but I wonder if it's worth it when my psychologist said me running an instagram account for a celebrity is me living in fantasy land

I won't write any more, because I can't see anyone replying. I've got nothing and nobody and just want to forget...

[Birdy77]

Hey MF,

If you can, try yo put the stuff about honours, masters etc into a filing cabinet in your mind for dealing with later. Start the semester and see what happens. If it's anything like what I did at one stage, the first couple of semesters are sort of bridging subjects (social science?) which are prerequisites for the Social Work degree. I may be wrong, but that's what I thought you were doing. So, just go with the next semester or 2 and take it all from there.

It might be different for your course, but in my experience the honours year is something you consider a few years in to the degree, and is contingent on specific GPA .... it might be different for yours .... but what I'm trying to say is:

stay in the moment.

It will all work out.

No matter what happens afterwards, putting yourself through such a course of study is a worthwhile endeavour in my eyes. You learn all sorts of good life skills and shows commitment and dedication, even if you don't end up following a particular study path.

Just my thoughts but I think the fact that you're doing this at all is a very positive life decision, and your Mum would be so proud of you.

xo

🌻birdy

[Birdy77]

Sorry MF I meant "particular career path"

[Music_Freak]

Thank you Birdy...

I hope I've made my mum smile and she's proud. Today has been a bit of a horrible day, so I'm back in bed with Buddy at my feet.

I had a look and Centrelink have cut some of my payments by half...yeah I can live on $100 a week!!! My rent isn't even getting paid!!! AAARRRGGGHHH!!!! Back on the phone Monday...YUCK!!

I'm doing Social Sciences, but will be switching to Social Work. I still wonder if it's the right thing, my thoughts are that Social Work means more career pathways, but who knows for me...jobs elude me. The first two years are identical.

[Music_Freak]

I had a nap and dyed my crew cut hair...I thought it might brighten my mood...but no.

I'm dreading having to call Centrelink (AGAIN - IDIOTS!!!) and all the other calls I have to make.

I'm going to walk to the vet, so won't have to call them for an appointment for Buddy, (he's due for vaccinations), so that's some fresh air and exercise. Might walk to the psychologist too because it'll do me good, I don't know.

[Music_Freak]

So...one of my subjects has opened and...

I'M FREAKING OUT!!!

I feel ill so I've turned off the computer and have crawled into bed, there's not much stopping me from bursting into tears at the moment... I can't stop shaking. I wrote an intro post and did the practice quiz (got 4/5). Other than that, I'm clueless.

I have to get through the phone calls and the walking/making appointments first, then I don't know what to do 😞

Then another workshop is Tuesday and Thursday is group work day at the uni, it's meant to be raining and I'm not sure my new glasses will be ready...I feel like walls and everything ate closing in on me and I can't breathe.

All this for ONE SUBJECT!!!

[Birdy77]

One thing at a time MF.

You're doing well. It's Sunday and you've already don an introductory post and nailed the quiz.

Most of your fellow students will be at the pub or playing video games, so you're cruising already.

Everything is going to be ok.

Remember it's natural to feel anxious at a time like this, even for people who don't experience anxiety and depression.

You're doing really well.

We'll be here to support you.

🌻birdy

[Music_Freak]

Birdy...I'm sick of saying thank you, but thank you so, so much 🙂

I always read your posts lately and feel such a sense of relief - they help me realise that I'm not losing my mind!!

I feel better physically, but for my stomach hurting a bit.

First I get through tomorrow mornings calls etc. then I read, read and read some more.

Bed is wonderful today though, I must admit 🙂

[Music_Freak]

Taken sleep meds tonight...first time in ages.

I'm in knots about tomorrow and uni and finances and life etc. etc. I just can't settle, I'm even annoying Buddy tossing and turning in bed.

I'm a mess all round...

I want my mum, she couldn't ever do a lot when I was upset but she'd always make me vegemite toast and a cup of tea and be there...and she's not here 😞

[Music_Freak]

Tears last night and tears today...

Centrelink claim I'll get paid the right amounts on the 23/24th - I'll believe it when I see it!!

Can't pay the vet off in installments because it's for a scheduled appointment/re-vaccination, so I'll have to spend my last little bit of savings on it. Buddy's worth it and needs it, but damn...

Got an email from a course co-ordinator about where to go on Thursday. And she was snarky as. “It's in the course outline etc. Go look and you'll find it. It's room xx xx” - I CAN'T FIND A ROOM NUMBER ANYWHERE IN THE DAMN OUTLINE!! Shouldn't they have written it/where to find it for the newbie dummies, or is it just me?!

My new glasses are ready and I just can't force myself to go get them at 3pm.

I'm no good at this adulting thing. Me and it doesn't work. I've made spaghetti for tea and my stomach hurts...

[Ggrand]

Hello MF,

Awe , MF..let the tears fall...they are a release of all that built up stress..

Centrelink, They are not really nice people are they..I wish they were in our position, then they can see how it feels, we are people as well, just doing it hard..

You have so much going on..Can I ask you to do deep breathing when you feel so overwhelmed it can help at times..Just curious MF if you have a little grounding box or parcel made up for yourself that you can take with you to Uni just in case you start getting panicky....."grounding what is it and how do you " has a few different types you can make up for yourself... I have one in my handbag always...

You can do this MF, I know you can, You have come this far on your own in r/l and that's huge MF, all the hard administration work is done, now it's the easier part of doing what you want to, to learn for your future..Were all cheering you on sweetheart, we all know you can do this...

I'm hoping you sleep well tonight and tomorrow will be a better day then you thought possible..🌹.

kind thoughts and big 🤗 hugs..xx.

Grandy..