I'm really trying to feel better about myself

[Music_Freak]

I don't know where to start with this, there's so much in my head right now...

I've got nothing, but my cat...no job, no friends, far from a family priority etc. etc.

My mum died 10 years ago on 26.2 and I still miss her so badly, she was the only person I had who was in my corner. Everyone else (family, friends that currently aren't talking to me) say I play the victim and am all "woe is me"

My sister's said I look like a silverback gorilla and other such things. She's a bully who gets away with it all, because she's the favourite and "normal" (kids, married, no mental illness - although I have doubts about that last one). My dad's called me fat and said that "You're bent like your mother" (she was bipolar). He lives with me and getting him to do anything is such a battle, he doesn't feel like paying the rent, so it's left to me, goes to work when he feels like it, helps my sister with her house but won't with me etc. etc. etc....I could go on and on with them!!

I have a GP and a psychologist that I should go back to (sessions are free and they're within walking distance), but I wonder if it's worth it when my psychologist said me running an instagram account for a celebrity is me living in fantasy land

I won't write any more, because I can't see anyone replying. I've got nothing and nobody and just want to forget...

[Music_Freak]

Well, I think I've figured out how to stay warm, at least for a while. Have a HOT shower when I get out of bed and then rug up. I will get one of those heated throw rugs though, I'm sure Buddy will like it too.

Study skills workshop is tonight and I'm going to try and record it with my phone, knowing me I'll need to keep it. I hope they help and I retain something...

[Birdy77]

Hi MF,

That's great you're doing the workshop tonight, I think it well help you to feel more confident and also to feel like you've started on the path, taken that first step.

A plug in blankie sounds perfect to keep you comfortable at your study area, and starting the day with a shower and warm clothes sets the tone for the day. Good on you.

Cheering you on 😊

🌻birdy

[Music_Freak]

Thanks Birdy, I'm going to need all the help I can get...

I just called my bank in a panic thinking that $240 had disappeared from my account. It was me, stuff I'd forgotten about. I felt like an idiot!

Time for a cuppa before I brave outside with Buddy. Actually, I'll take it out with me since he's been so well behaved

[Music_Freak]

Oh boy...well I feel DUMB!

Everyone in the workshop seemed to know so much and what they were talking about...

Me? Lots and lots of cluelessness, I could barely even keep up with the chat half the time. I want to cry.

[Music_Freak]

Excuse me while I let rip and rant...

ACCORDING TO CENTRELINK I HAVE NO INCOME UNTIL THE 1ST OF AUGUST!!!!!!!!

That's when I officially switch over to the student payment...shame I kind of need to pay rent and bills and there is the tiny issue of eating, but oh well...

I seriously can't believe I'm having to deal with this. I'm on hold now at exactly 8:50am - might get through to someone around lunchtime!!!

I thought I'd cried enough last night - CLEARLY NOT!!!!!!!!

I want out of this system and public housing SOOOO FREAKING BADLY RIGHT NOW...but it's 4+ years away.

I'm in tears already...

[Music_Freak]

Bills are paid...all except the vet at the end of the month, might see if they can split the bill, it would be a big help.

It only took an hour to sort out yesterday. The lady was nice and said it was an error, blah blah blah. The stupid thing is, their idea of arrears is to not deduct my rent...like I don't have to pay it and can just spend the money! Here's hoping uni is the only stress I have from now on...it'll be freaking HUGE!!

[Birdy77]

You did well MF, you sorted it out, despite the extreme stress of yesterday, well done.

The other people in the study skills workshop may be more used to the lingo etc, ie maybe they've studied recently. Don't be put off by it. As Tim has reminded you, the lecturers and tutors want you to succeed, they will support you when you need help. Don't forget to ask for help when you need it.

Also, any question you have, you can guarantee someone else will be wondering the exact same thing and they'll be relieved when you ask it. Don't be afraid to ask lots of questions.

You've got this!

🌻birdy

[Music_Freak]

Thanks Birdy, you really are my voice of reason when I lose it 🙂

Yeah, I have to get used of asking questions and not worrying that they'll think I'm stupid. Probably won't be during the workshop because I can't type quick enough, but in a private online chat I definitely will.

I spent yesterday looking at real estate and daydreamed big time...

Today was animal experiences at our zoos and 5 star hotels. I even wondered about chauffeured transport, but maybe I should just bus or uber it or something. It's just more ideas for end of semester rewards and birthday/xmas presents for myself. A pointless distraction, I know, but I'm SOOO looking forward to all of it. Then it was bed with Buddy early-ish tonight.

Not sure what I'll do tomorrow...I did a bit of weeding today, but I think it's meant to be raining tomorrow, so probably can't do any more.

My brain is thinking about happy stuff that is too far away...

[Music_Freak]

Another study skills workshop tonight, so it's a pain that I woke up before 7am, that seems to be a bit of a routine now (yuck! But needed with uni starting). I'm sitting here typing in my ugg boots and wool socks and will get my heated throw set up after brekky.

I went for an eye test yesterday and will have spent all my Halestorm travel fund on glasses and sunnies and then some, over $900 all up but I can claim $200 on extras. I wasn't really suitable for the government funded programme because my prescription is so strong. Damn.

The depression has hit big time about all of that. I have to start all over again and hope I can follow them on tour.

Just feeling very down and not sure how to come back...

I got an email from a mentor at the uni and I'm not sure what to tell her, do I whinge and say I know absolutely nothing and feel like I've made the biggest mistake of my life or just be friendly? I don't know...

[smallwolf]

Yeah, I have to get used of asking questions and not worrying that they'll think I'm stupid. Probably won't be during the workshop because I can't type quick enough

^ This is something every student has to come to grips with! Was speaking with a lecturer today about one of their classes. Student in these classes are very computer illiterate (IMO). Some only do classes because they have to (part of program). Some students are smart, but socially awkward. Some pretend to the smart. Others are. Some students add a book to a bibliography because they looked at the cover (bit harsh), but the actual text was not used in the assignment.

My point is this, every student different. Do not compare yourself to the other students. Because just like an MI, people will put on a mask on that environment so that look like they fit in. Be yourself and you will fit in.

Tim