I'm really trying to feel better about myself

[Music_Freak]

I don't know where to start with this, there's so much in my head right now...

I've got nothing, but my cat...no job, no friends, far from a family priority etc. etc.

My mum died 10 years ago on 26.2 and I still miss her so badly, she was the only person I had who was in my corner. Everyone else (family, friends that currently aren't talking to me) say I play the victim and am all "woe is me"

My sister's said I look like a silverback gorilla and other such things. She's a bully who gets away with it all, because she's the favourite and "normal" (kids, married, no mental illness - although I have doubts about that last one). My dad's called me fat and said that "You're bent like your mother" (she was bipolar). He lives with me and getting him to do anything is such a battle, he doesn't feel like paying the rent, so it's left to me, goes to work when he feels like it, helps my sister with her house but won't with me etc. etc. etc....I could go on and on with them!!

I have a GP and a psychologist that I should go back to (sessions are free and they're within walking distance), but I wonder if it's worth it when my psychologist said me running an instagram account for a celebrity is me living in fantasy land

I won't write any more, because I can't see anyone replying. I've got nothing and nobody and just want to forget...

[Music_Freak]

I'm glad I was entertaining Birdy 🙂

I have had another wasted day. I didn't get out of bed until 2pm...not goodfor my trying to establish a routine for uni!!

I went for a walk to get bread and did a little gardening while I was outside with Buddy.

I was planning on going shopping tomorrow, but I don't know now, I might leave it until the car is due to be started.

I just can't be bothered with anything lately 😞

[Music_Freak]

Well, I went for a drive (at 6:30pm) and checked the tyres, they all needed air, but regardless of whether I go shopping tomorrow or not, the car has been for a drive.

Yay mediocre me!

[Ggrand]

Hello MF,

Yay, you went for a walk to get bread and milk..

You done some gardening with buddy.

You took your car out and checked the tyres, and put air in them...

I think you done good today..it's not how much we do, it's what we do that's important.. Well done..you got up out of bed and went outside today...

Grandy....xx

[Music_Freak]

Thanks Grandy 🙂

I guess I did do a bit today, albeit with a late start.

I might forget shopping and work on getting my sleep in order. I can catch a bus and do it next week (I don't particularly like driving when I'm tired), I need to get an exercise routine happening too...as well as the uni practice/prep work...

I'll be so busy I doubt I'll cope...

[Ggrand]

Hello MF,

I think to get your sleep in order will have to start by setting a time for bed each night, the same time...ok lets say 10.30pm..then 8.5 hours in bed will make it 7.am...that doesn't mean 8 hours sleep unless you fall asleep with the first half hour. ...

Do you usually fall asleep quickly once your in bed?

I think I'm going to try to sleep now..it's early morning and I'm starting to yawn...good Night....sleep well

I hope tomorrow is better then today...

Grandy...

[Music_Freak]

No way do I fall asleep quickly, it can take me hours!!

Last night I slept from maybe 4:30am (or maybe even later) until when my alarm was set (11:30), but I woke up a few minutes before 11am, thanks to an impatient Buddy 🙂 I'm hoping I sleep better tonight. I want to wake up by 7-8am every weekday. It could take me a week or so...I've tried doing it quicker, but I just end up napping or falling asleep again.

Hopefully, I can get a walk or HIIT (high intensity interval training) workout in on the bike, shower, breakfast (failing at eating that lately too) and then start uni stuff by around 9am. Finishing at 5pm and having tea at 6-7pm and the evening in front of the idiot box 🙂

We'll see if that works. My psychologist says to treat uni like a full time job, which scares me a bit (I've only ever studied part time before), but I guess that's how it works out.

[Music_Freak]

I'm such a failure...

I even fail at correcting my sleep pattern. I woke up at 3pm today, slept through the alarm (what in the hell?!?!)

I'd say I just need to regroup and start over, but that's all I ever seem to do.

I can feel the uni start date breathing down my neck...

[smallwolf]

Before I write a more length reply...

Have you or Do you listen to a meditation before going to sleep?

(My psychiatrist spoke to me about sleep hygiene also. Something for you to google?)

Tim

[Music_Freak]

I was listening to nature sounds before bed but that got annoying when sleep didn't come. I will try and find something short-ish perhaps.

Never heard of sleep hygiene before, will definitely have to google that!

[smallwolf]

Yeah... I will listen to nature sounds if I am reading. Otherwise a guided sleep related meditation works OK also.

My psychiatrist asked me about my sleep after I told her I was always tired. I also cannot drink coffee after 4pm. Since stopping that I now only wake up when the cat wants food! It also helps if you can go to sleep without thoughts of the day running through your head. And that is where your meditation comes in.

On waking up... I use the alarm on my phone. I also set the alarm to a sound I hate. That way it forces me to wake up. The only trick then is getting up. I have occasionally said "2 more minutes" and that becomes a hour or two.

Time for me to go to bed and do all my homework for my psychologist. Before I forget!

Sweet dreams and pleasant thoughts,

Tim