I'm really trying to feel better about myself

[Music_Freak]

I don't know where to start with this, there's so much in my head right now...

I've got nothing, but my cat...no job, no friends, far from a family priority etc. etc.

My mum died 10 years ago on 26.2 and I still miss her so badly, she was the only person I had who was in my corner. Everyone else (family, friends that currently aren't talking to me) say I play the victim and am all "woe is me"

My sister's said I look like a silverback gorilla and other such things. She's a bully who gets away with it all, because she's the favourite and "normal" (kids, married, no mental illness - although I have doubts about that last one). My dad's called me fat and said that "You're bent like your mother" (she was bipolar). He lives with me and getting him to do anything is such a battle, he doesn't feel like paying the rent, so it's left to me, goes to work when he feels like it, helps my sister with her house but won't with me etc. etc. etc....I could go on and on with them!!

I have a GP and a psychologist that I should go back to (sessions are free and they're within walking distance), but I wonder if it's worth it when my psychologist said me running an instagram account for a celebrity is me living in fantasy land

I won't write any more, because I can't see anyone replying. I've got nothing and nobody and just want to forget...

[Music_Freak]

There's lots of things worrying me Emmy...always is. Yeah, I'll call about the battery tomorrow, maybe.

Uni stuff is just about out of my head, figuring out all the dates helped. Now it's just if I can do the work...I'm going to buy tin snips on Thursday and start my garden edging project after the rain on the weekend. Looks like it might be a weekend in bed. At least I made myself have a cup of tea and toast for tea...

I've already got an appointment on Thursday with my job network place to restart my payments. I'm not up to being on hold again for 2 hours with centrelink. I'll find out what the hell is going on at this capacity assessment appointment. I'm far from impressed with the whole thing. Knowing my luck I won't get a uni offer and I'll be trapped with having to deal with the system.

Buddy's snoring in bed with me, under my legs, he loves his leg tent when the weather gets cooler. He's never been interested in being a normal cat much...

[Music_Freak]

Ugh! Car needed a new battery, warranty on the old one had expired by 6 months...$135 out of my Halestorm travel fund...going to have to drive it more or run it for longer in the driveway (and waste petrol) Booooo....

I still feel yuck after the crapola day that was yesterday, but I'm going to make myself go for a drive to at least check the tyre pressure. Then it'll be back to bed, probably. I'm so over living this week...

[Music_Freak]

So had maybe 2 hours sleep before my job network place appointment, caught a bus in the rain, which was quite nice.

Did a bit of shopping and spent $50 at Bunnings on tin snips and drill bits to do my garden edging. Bus back home (nearly fell asleep) and Buddy was pleased to see me. Had lunch, crawled into bed, with him in his leg tent.

Fell asleep for 2-3 hours and woke up thinking about being at uni and whether I can do it.

Have a hygienist appointment tomorrow, then back to the dentist the same week of capacity assessment if bottom teeth pain doesn't settle down.

Living is too much for me, trying to remind myself to take it a day at a time, but even that seems too hard...

[Music_Freak]

How does agoraphobia generally start?? I'm finding that I just don't want to leave my house, not comfortable away from it etc. Wondering if that's the beginning stages...

[Music_Freak]

I didn't even go to the hygienist...couldn't force myself out of bed. I'm still hiding under the covers and it's almost 11...

[Speak Your Truth]

You sound so miserable MF - can you put on your favourite music - it might help to cheer you up a bit. I don’t know about agoraphobia MF but I’m still in bed too - it’s 11.30, cold and raining outside. I’ve been finding being in bed, awake or sleeping, or sleeping on the sofa is where I’m most comfortable emotionally these. For me it’s basically loneliness I think. Overcoming loneliness seems to be in the too hard basket. This morning you wrote on ‘follow that word’ criticism - was that the first word to come to mind because that is what you’ve been getting ? I’d find that extremely hard not that I’m getting it though.

I hope the afternoon will be better for you. I must get up, have something to eat, a cuppa - that will be good.

[Music_Freak]

Maybe my wanting to be home is a comfort thing...I'm not sure.

Yeah, pretty much all I got from my dad and sister is criticism, then of course there's what I tell myself...I've barely seen my dad and sister for almost a year, so can I blame them all the time, but I can imagine what's said about me...

I put music on for a while and went for a short walk for bread, and now I'm back in bed

Hopefully this is just a rough patch...

[Emmy.]

Hi Narelle. Sorry I’ve not been around much lately. So I’ve been told i tendancies of agoraphobia (it’s something my grandma battled with for many many years). For me personally it’s about more of the fear as to whats going to happen when I leave the house, eg hate shopping centres so then I avoid them. My home becomes my safe place. And in turn the fear makes me not want to leave. Does that make sense? Again I only have some traits. But this is how it is for me.

[Music_Freak]

Had a slightly productive day...got my dishes done and 3 loads of washing. Also took Buddy out 3 times.

Now I'm waiting for the football, maybe I'll be interested in it since my team's playing (west coast).

I just wish I felt hungry. I did have a decent lunch, was late, but still ate it.

Thanks for the agoraphobia info Emmy...I wonder if it fits me, does a bit with driving.

[Music_Freak]

Had 2 pies for tea...not healthy but it's something.

Clean sheets on my bed and Buddy at my feet. Bed was super nice to crawl into.

Five days until the first round of uni offers are out. I'm trying not to think about it. Will probably take Buddy outside heaps between now and then to keep myself distracted. I still have a feeling I won't get an offer, not sure why exactly...