I'm really trying to feel better about myself

[Music_Freak]

I don't know where to start with this, there's so much in my head right now...

I've got nothing, but my cat...no job, no friends, far from a family priority etc. etc.

My mum died 10 years ago on 26.2 and I still miss her so badly, she was the only person I had who was in my corner. Everyone else (family, friends that currently aren't talking to me) say I play the victim and am all "woe is me"

My sister's said I look like a silverback gorilla and other such things. She's a bully who gets away with it all, because she's the favourite and "normal" (kids, married, no mental illness - although I have doubts about that last one). My dad's called me fat and said that "You're bent like your mother" (she was bipolar). He lives with me and getting him to do anything is such a battle, he doesn't feel like paying the rent, so it's left to me, goes to work when he feels like it, helps my sister with her house but won't with me etc. etc. etc....I could go on and on with them!!

I have a GP and a psychologist that I should go back to (sessions are free and they're within walking distance), but I wonder if it's worth it when my psychologist said me running an instagram account for a celebrity is me living in fantasy land

I won't write any more, because I can't see anyone replying. I've got nothing and nobody and just want to forget...

[Music_Freak]

Well, I'm glad you're enjoying them Croix, I've been a fan since they started 🙂

I've been listening to True Violet on repeat for the last couple of days, I refer to them as my happy music, I just kind of zone out (in a good way) when I listen to them

I've done absolutely NOTHING today. I was going to make myself do some sewing, but decided to go back to sleep instead 🙂 I didn't get to cuddle Buddy though, he fell asleep on my computer chair and went from purring to snoring 🙂

[Music_Freak]

I'm so done with life right now, my dad's effed me over leaving me to pay the rent again, as well as all the other bills...so I've got no money for weeks while I struggle to catch up while he just coasts through life, not giving a damn

I feel sick.

I'm meant to be going back to volunteering on Monday, so at least I won't be home. I should be happy, but I'm not, I want to disappear.

[Croix]

Dear Narelle~

Of course you feel sick, being done over by a parent is terrible. I feel really sad for you, not only the money, but the idea a father would not look after his daughter.

I zone out too, I listen to several artists each playing 'Windmills Of Your Mind' on repeat, and see which artist most closely represents my current mood.

Like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning on an ever spinning reel
As the images unwind, like the circles that you find in
The windmills of your mind!

Can you give Buddy a cuddle?

Croix

[Music_Freak]

It's 3:30am and he's curled up at the foot of the bed, so I might join him.

I've been crying for hours and have had no restful sleep...the headache is horrific...

I don't even know what to type anymore

[Guest_322]

Oh Narelle,

Big virtual hug from me. I read about the rent that your dad has left you to pay. I don't even know what to say other than how stressful that must be for you.

I'm glad Buddy was able to keep you company. In saying that, I realise it doesn't change your awful situation and money stresses.

I hope the headache eases soon.

Dottie x

[Music_Freak]

Thanks Dottie, I'm doing better today, but for the stress.

I've worked out my money and will be back on my feet by July...unless more rent isn't paid which is probably likely 😞

I'm about $200 from buying a lounge suite - better spend it before rent needs to be paid!

An old friend of my mum's called just now and I ended up in tears talking about my mum. She's going to visit me at some stage, so I want a lounge suite, sooner rather than later. I can't ask a 74 year old woman to sit on the floor!

[Music_Freak]

Better day today - my dad actually paid the rent!!! It's a miracle!!! ( yes I'm being sarcastic as hell)

I've got my mystery stomach pain again, so no volunteering. I'm hoping to go in next week and get that monkey off my back. I'm sick of saying I won't be in, I can't imagine what they think of me!

[Croix]

Dear Narelle~

I'm really pleased that your dad paid up, for a couple of reasons, first the money of course, but secondly that he thought to do it.

Maybe there will be two miracles today and the mystery stomach pain will subside, fingers - I mean flippers -crossed.

I'm sure you will get to volunteering, the conditions will be right and off you'll go. I have similar hassles about doing some things - not the same ones as you, but I put them off for months, not laziness, just can't bring myself to do them. Someone else would not give them a second thought.

Croix

[Music_Freak]

Yes, it was a big relief, means I'm only $230 out of pocket, rather than almost $700. It would be better if I could count on him to pay it all, but I'll take what I can get!

Stomach pain is still hanging around - damn anxiety! 😞 I went for a drive today, so I might just catch a bus to an appointment tomorrow and load up on the painkillers.

I totally know what you mean about putting things off Croix...I do that too, it's not the best habit 🙂

[Guest_322]

Hi Narelle,

That's fantastic news! I'm glad your dad came through. You must be so relieved.

The stomach pain sounds awful. I hope it doesn't linger for too long.

I had a big weekend so fun times. Monday and Tuesday were less exciting as I submitted 2 assignments

Just been doing some thinking about a range of things like goals and dreams, art, aesthetics, social responsibility, selfishness, the latest news, etc.

Anyway, all the best for your appointment.

Dottie x