I'm really trying to feel better about myself

[Music_Freak]

I don't know where to start with this, there's so much in my head right now...

I've got nothing, but my cat...no job, no friends, far from a family priority etc. etc.

My mum died 10 years ago on 26.2 and I still miss her so badly, she was the only person I had who was in my corner. Everyone else (family, friends that currently aren't talking to me) say I play the victim and am all "woe is me"

My sister's said I look like a silverback gorilla and other such things. She's a bully who gets away with it all, because she's the favourite and "normal" (kids, married, no mental illness - although I have doubts about that last one). My dad's called me fat and said that "You're bent like your mother" (she was bipolar). He lives with me and getting him to do anything is such a battle, he doesn't feel like paying the rent, so it's left to me, goes to work when he feels like it, helps my sister with her house but won't with me etc. etc. etc....I could go on and on with them!!

I have a GP and a psychologist that I should go back to (sessions are free and they're within walking distance), but I wonder if it's worth it when my psychologist said me running an instagram account for a celebrity is me living in fantasy land

I won't write any more, because I can't see anyone replying. I've got nothing and nobody and just want to forget...

[Music_Freak]

Well the self loathing and anxiety has hit again 😞

I got through my appointment on Wednesday...just.

And now I turned down a job because I didn't feel comfortable driving my car and going to an unfamiliar area...same old, same old *heavy sigh*

I don't even know why I bothered spending money to get my license...I barely drive! UGH!!!

I'm not sure what to do to feel better, I've tried the hiding in bed and a hot shower. I was planning to go for a little drive to check the tyre air pressure in the morning, but I'll probably chicken out and start it in the driveway 😞

I just don't know about me anymore...

I'm TRYING to get my head around FINALLY going in to volunteer on Monday, but I don't feel even a tiny bit capable 😞

[Croix]

Dear Narelle~

I thought you might feel a little better if you knew others were thinking of you and your struggle with Monday and that regular battle with the volunteering.

I guess the best thoughts here have come from Dottie, about doing the little steps, each an event to be passed - you know, getting up, shower, make the breakfast and so on. The idea being you concentrate on the trees and try to put off thinking about the wood.

Having this hanging over your head all the time is pretty horrible. Sending you thoughts of comfort

Croix

[Music_Freak]

Thank you Croix for the kind thoughts, they're appreciated 🙂

I'm not sure if I will go in to volunteer because I have been crying for most of the weekend and have a sinus-y headache and feel quite exhausted. I will see if I can scrape myself together in the morning.

I did think that I might make or take in something for morning tea when I go in, but finances are tight and I'm not sure what would be suitable...

[Music_Freak]

I feel like I'm getting close to going in, I keep trying to visualise myself there, sitting at their computers, doing the work...

I guess to try and trick my brain into thinking I'll be OK when I go...now I just have to do it. I clearly can't put pressure on myself right now 😞

[Music_Freak]

Well, my reasons for turning down the job weren't good enough for Centrelink...and here I am TRYING to feel OK with myself - WHAT A JOKE!!

I just don't know anymore...I've got a morning of job network appointments tomorrow and all I'm managing lately is crying.

I'm running out of ideas on how to keep piecing myself together...it's just too hard...

And I've got to go in and volunteer Monday...oh god...

[Croix]

Dear Narelle~

It's disappointing, Centerlink is not easy or understanding. And yes it is very hard.

Why not leave thinking about the morning for a few hours? See if you can give yourself a little distraction, maybe music or YouTube or something else. Try to fill up some time with a pastime that tends to relax you, even if just a hot shower to start with. It would beat just waiting - what do you think?

Can you fix yourself something nice to eat?

Croix

[Music_Freak]

Well, I got through the appointment...just. Without bursting into tears or throwing up. I cried my eyes out at the bus stop (I didn't drive, was in too much pain) and haven't stopped and I was on the bus

I was going to explain my point of view but realised that they couldn't care less.

I have two choices: go in and jobsearch for 5 hours a day for 3 days a week (plus my volunteer work 2 days a week) or go without an income for 8 weeks (I have savings to live on).

I'm leaning towards the latter because of my stomach pain that causes me to barely eat or sleep. I WAS TOLD THAT A MEDICAL CERTIFICATE DOESN'T EVEN COUNT TOWARDS THE 8 WEEKS - THE TIME I MISS JUST GETS ADDED ON!! At least with the no income it would only last the 8 weeks, this activity could go on forever when I've already had the pain for more that a week.

I'm in such a state, I haven't stopped crying - I already feel bad enough for turning down the job!!

I'm so sick of no one giving a crap about my feelings!!!

[Croix]

Dear Narelle~

Well, it's good you got though the interview -a plus.

Centercare is not a good place to try to reason with. They have rules and apply them - end of story.

I don't have much to say, a tiny idea. If you have to go in and search can you wear earbuds and have something to listen to while you are there. I listen to podcasts I load onto my phone.

Those here do give a crap. You know that already 🙂

Croix

[Guest_322]

Hi Narelle,

Wow, so much has happened since my last visit here. I agree with Croix that you deserve credit for getting through the appointment. It must have been very distressing.

I guess you're caught between a rock and a hard place- JobSearch or no income for 8 weeks. Neither are ideal and I wish Centrelink was more empathetic.

Yeah, have a good cry about it- flush some of it out of your system. I suppose you will have to pick whatever seems marginally better of the 2 options. We will support whatever decision you make.

Virtual hug,

Dottie x

[Music_Freak]

Thanks Dottie & Croix 🙂 I know people care here, everything was just unbearable earlier, so maybe I wasn't thinking straight. I didn't mean the people in my BB haven 🙂

I still don't know what to do and tears have hardly stopped. Have vomited too, so I wonder if any of the “jobsearching” is worth it, with the wondering if I'll be well enough, having to maybe miss days and make them up, the travelling (even the waiting for buses is now making me anxious, I realised, when it barely ever has before - crap!) etc. etc. I wonder if I should just nurture myself as best I can for the 8 weeks, bugger the cost and my consultants coldness towards me...Again, I thought we got along “OK”...seems not 😞

I don't know about the earbuds, I'm not sure whether I'll be supervised or not, I'm guessing yes from time to time, which is causing more anxiety - I HATE being watched!!

I guess I know the truth about the job - I didn't and would never turn it down for the hell of it, even if nobody else does. Their opinions don't really matter.