I'm really trying to feel better about myself

[Music_Freak]

I don't know where to start with this, there's so much in my head right now...

I've got nothing, but my cat...no job, no friends, far from a family priority etc. etc.

My mum died 10 years ago on 26.2 and I still miss her so badly, she was the only person I had who was in my corner. Everyone else (family, friends that currently aren't talking to me) say I play the victim and am all "woe is me"

My sister's said I look like a silverback gorilla and other such things. She's a bully who gets away with it all, because she's the favourite and "normal" (kids, married, no mental illness - although I have doubts about that last one). My dad's called me fat and said that "You're bent like your mother" (she was bipolar). He lives with me and getting him to do anything is such a battle, he doesn't feel like paying the rent, so it's left to me, goes to work when he feels like it, helps my sister with her house but won't with me etc. etc. etc....I could go on and on with them!!

I have a GP and a psychologist that I should go back to (sessions are free and they're within walking distance), but I wonder if it's worth it when my psychologist said me running an instagram account for a celebrity is me living in fantasy land

I won't write any more, because I can't see anyone replying. I've got nothing and nobody and just want to forget...

[Guest_322]

Hi Narelle,

Well done on making it to your appointment yesterday! That's wonderful.

You sound like you're on top of your chores too, which is great.

All the best with the job hunt this week! Hopeful for you.

Dottie x

[Music_Freak]

Well, I've just walked away from a band group chat. One of them just lost a friend, so of course what I'm going through doesn't matter, only thing is she's more friends with a few of them than I am...I'm wondering if I'll even go back at this rate, not sure it's worth the effort, I bet none of them contact me

[JimmiD]

Hey MF

Isn't it great when you let yourself off the hook a bit.

And Im referring to your saying 'Im not going to hate on or put pressure on myself at least for today'.

You and I know (and probably most people on this site) that there is only so much constant pressure a person can take before they burnout and snap. Once you snap it is so hard to recover. So best thing is to prevent snapping. That is exactly what you are doing by not beating yourself up about what you have or haven't done and not putting pressure on yourself. That is one of the best and most preventative things you can do in getting past any stresses and hardships. If you don't mind, I just want to give you a pat on the back for using this valuable skill.

Hey . . lol . . after all . . how much can a koala bear . .you just have to take a break.

And saying no is fantastic. No . .Im not doing it today!! Oh yeah.

I have just taken the week off work with limited pay and I have limited financial reserves. I took your approach and just eased up on the pressure. Wow...it feels good and I have had time to rest, recuperate, and process a few things without feeling pressured. Perfect!

And MF . . I don't want to bring too much focus to the difficult process you are having to endure with job search and centrelink. I have been through that myself a number of times. So have others I know. It is the shared opinion . . just like yours . .that centrelink sucks!

The best you can do is get the heck out of it. Keep doing what you are doing. It is obvious that you have some momentum going. Don't stop. Do what you need to do to get yourself out of that centrelink nightmare. Any low pressure work will do. Easier said than done I know. Take the horse by the reins and start relying on your own abilities and resources in addition to anything the job centres have or expect.

Just keep easing up on yourself as much as you can. You have to regularly let the pressure out so that you don't 'blow a foofa' lol.

Keep that music playing. Take your periods of no hating on and no pressuring yourself and use them well . . just for you!

[Guest_322]

Hi Narelle,

Your last band group was obviously very disappointing. Your friends didn't acknowledge your own struggles- that can feel very hurtful.

Although I was wondering if it's worth giving the chat another go? I think friendship losses can be very painful so maybe the rest of your group were just trying to be supportive, and as a result, maybe they accidentally didn't reach out to you as much as they could have otherwise (?)

Sorry, that's just a random thought. It may or may not be the case as I don't personally know them. Hopefully they will contact you.

In the mean time, I noticed that JimmiD has left you a nice message to be gentle on yourself. Lovely sentiment.

Dottie x

[Music_Freak]

They say were still friends, but I'll still pretend everything's great when we chat, which will most likely be rare now. It's obvious that I can't let my guard down with them, so up goes the wall again.

I've given up on my dad helping me with my renovation ideas for my government housing place too. I wanted to do them (I talked about it a lot earlier in this thread) because I watched my mum pretty much die in this place, so I wanted it to look different to trick my brain a little. Basically it was a carport, shower screen and a shade sail, they were first on the list anyway.

I've listed what I've bought on gumtree and I'm praying they sell because I need the money after he left me with yet another debt for rent he's supposed to pay. I can't even afford to pay people to do the work

I feel so incredibly stupid for expecting people and things to be different this year. I'm just empty, when I cry I know it's tears of frustration, rather than sadness or being upset by everything. The feeling stupid and thinking I matter to people overtakes it all.

I should have known better.

I'm meant to go in to my volunteering tomorrow and Tuesday and a job search group on Wednesday (thank god I've reached my job application quota!)

I'm not sure going into auto pilot mode will be enough to get through it all, after everything.

[Guest_322]

Hi Narelle,

You do sound very stressed and drained. The friendship situation must be very disappointing for you. Friendships are hard when you feel as though you can't let your guard down.

Living in the same home where your mum passed must be very painful. It would be like having this constant reminder that she's not here anymore.

I wish your dad would help out more but it seems like you're figuring out the renovations on your own (not to mention the rent). I can empathise with money struggles as I'm a uni student and that is a huge source of stress for me too.

Are there free ways to change how your place looks e.g. rearranging some of the furniture, putting up some drawings or quotes (you just need paper and pencils or pens for this), making collages, etc?

Well done on making your job app quota! I'm very pleased to hear that. I hope you're proud of this achievement 😊

I know you're doing it tough. Hang in there. Baby steps huh?

Dottie x

[Music_Freak]

Thanks Dottie, I will have to do the baby steps thing because, yet again, I couldn't force myself in to volunteering.

I just want to cry. I just can't seem to function anymore 😞

I am going to make cheaper changes to this place, Kmart seems like a good place to start. I have no other choice...thanks to my dad, he's free to help other people now 😞

[Guest_322]

Oh Narelle,

No worrries, baby steps it is then. Volunteering- even just the prospect of it- seems to be making you feel very stressed.

Just let the tears falls. Sometimes you just need the release. I have been crying all week, well, technically all last week and a tiny bit today. So at least we are in good company with each other on the crying front.

I realise the home situation is hardly ideal but Kmart is a good option in terms of affordability. Also, I sometimes check out markets and op shops for cheap home decor to spruce up my room. Discount shops like $2 shops are good too.

Take care,

Dottie x

[Music_Freak]

I tried to go into volunteer today, but all I succeeded in was bursting into tears and giving myself a headache.

I'm really going to try next week, they deserve it for putting up with me

I've got four days to prepare (after my job network appt tomorrow) and I'm not sure where to start

[Guest_322]

Hi Narelle,

Ah, volunteering is clearly very stressful for you. I would like to offer you some virtual tissues for your tears. I know you have been feeling very down lately.

All the best with the job appt today- let us know how that goes if you like.

Hey, one thing at a time maybe? Maybe tackle today's appt first before thinking about your next volunteer shift.

Dottie x