I'm really trying to feel better about myself

[Music_Freak]

I don't know where to start with this, there's so much in my head right now...

I've got nothing, but my cat...no job, no friends, far from a family priority etc. etc.

My mum died 10 years ago on 26.2 and I still miss her so badly, she was the only person I had who was in my corner. Everyone else (family, friends that currently aren't talking to me) say I play the victim and am all "woe is me"

My sister's said I look like a silverback gorilla and other such things. She's a bully who gets away with it all, because she's the favourite and "normal" (kids, married, no mental illness - although I have doubts about that last one). My dad's called me fat and said that "You're bent like your mother" (she was bipolar). He lives with me and getting him to do anything is such a battle, he doesn't feel like paying the rent, so it's left to me, goes to work when he feels like it, helps my sister with her house but won't with me etc. etc. etc....I could go on and on with them!!

I have a GP and a psychologist that I should go back to (sessions are free and they're within walking distance), but I wonder if it's worth it when my psychologist said me running an instagram account for a celebrity is me living in fantasy land

I won't write any more, because I can't see anyone replying. I've got nothing and nobody and just want to forget...

[Music_Freak]

Yeah, I plan to do that with my friend, possibly indefinitely, but we'll see...we have to start talking again first. I still haven't decided on whether to send a message or just ignore the fact that she read my comments.

I'm still disappointed that I didn't go in yesterday, but I'm trying to focus on getting my head in the right place to go in next week, since I can't change the past, even if my brain wants to dwell on it. I just don't know how to get ready for next week...

[Wednesday]

Hi Nacelle,

You have bunch of friends at BB, so don't be to hard on yourself. As Carol said if your meds are't working, you brain can play some pretty dreadful tricks on you. Given that you are so incredible hard on yourself it makes it really and to get motivated to do things and move on with your life.

Question for you, if you could have anything you wanted in the world to make your life better what would it be?

Hugs, xx

[Metal_man]

Hi, that's a deep dark place, I believe that people do care, that's why I joined beyond blue, so I can say how I feel and not feel like I am the only one that has been suffering for years . You have made positive steps by seeking help.

[Music_Freak]

Hmmm, that's a tough question Wednesday...it's probably a toss up between a job or good friends. It depends on my mood, a bit, generally

[Wednesday]

Hi,

It was a tough question but helps me to understand where you are at. It would be so good for you to get from under the doona. Oh I know I love my doona too, so I,m not judging, I just know how easy it is to stay there.

I'm thinking, anyone else chime in, that a job helps you meet people, develop friendships, make you abide by a routine, makes you accountable and gives you money (woo hoo).

Okay so one step at a time, where are you up to on the job front? I don't know where you live but maybe a traineeship would be a good start. When I worked in government I had trainees come and work in my area doing admin tasks. It worked really well and the trainees thrived with all the support they received, they completed a training course and received payment. Have you heard of anything like this in your state?

Have you organised a GP appointment to have your meds checked?

Umm I sound like I'm talking to my daughter, I'm being bit bossy today... hope you don't mind.

Hugs, xx

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Narelle,

I hope you are doing ok today. I like what you said about doing something of worth. I am trying to do the same each day, you have inspired me.

I am glad to see on Emmy's thread that you are going to have a go at changing negative thinking into positives. I think it works well.

Thinking of you,

Carol

[Music_Freak]

Well, my rent isn't paid, thanks to my deadbeat dad...I guess it's expected when you don't turn up for work for 2 weeks! He doesn't care though, another time his ass is off the hook...it's how he's lived his life. I got through a whole 2 questions in a MYOB assignment before I burst into tears, so I've put it away.

I'm not looking at jobs currently, considering I can't turn up to voluntary work...but I'm going to focus on that for now. I'll be looking/applying at the end of the month when my exemption runs out. I'm too old and over qualified for a traineeship, but lacking in experience to don't get a look in with employers. I also don't have any current referees

No appointment yet, I can't get there (car isn't registered and the little amount of money I have will go on the rent debt - I'm HOPING there's a little credit, practically praying actually!!! and buses to voluntary work). I'm hoping once I'm into the swing of things, I'll feel a little better.

I loathe my family!!! Anyway, I want to kick teeth in or punch something...still. I have thought about a punching bag, but I'd have to pay someone to put it up (dad won't...off the hook again!!) unless it has a stand. Probably needs to be second hand, but can't afford one right now. I'm currently living on toast and cups of tea...have to see if I can afford milk for the diet shakes I have. Have to pay for meds too, that'll be interesting, to say the least...

Sorry for the rant, but I've got no one but Buddy and he's asleep on my bed.

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Narelle,

Rants are a good way to release tension. Have you tried punching your pillow? I heard that was a good option. It must be very frustrating with your Dad.

There are a few online survey companies that you can earn gift cards through that might work for you for a little extra. There are a range of cards to choose from. I did the surveys during maternity leave. The one I liked best was valuedopinions and the next was mysurvey. It's not a lot but if you have the time then it's better than nothing.

Can you get any rental assistance?

Kind thoughts,

Carol xx

[Music_Freak]

Thanks Carol, I'll look into them, anything would be a help lately

I'm in government housing, so no. If it was just me my rent would be discounted, but because my dad's here, the rent is the full amount.

All I can think at times like this is I wish this year would end and just how much I still miss my mum

[Wednesday]

Hi Narelle,

You're in a rotten spot. You need to have a better diet than tea and toast, its important, again if your brain is starving it is going to give you the wrong messages. Have you looked into the charity, church, council network for help with food? I know some give out vouchers and some give food.

Of course you miss your mum, wouldn't she hate to see you so unhappy. She would be really concerned about you and would want you to care for yourself.

Hugs, xx