I'm really trying to feel better about myself

[Music_Freak]

I don't know where to start with this, there's so much in my head right now...

I've got nothing, but my cat...no job, no friends, far from a family priority etc. etc.

My mum died 10 years ago on 26.2 and I still miss her so badly, she was the only person I had who was in my corner. Everyone else (family, friends that currently aren't talking to me) say I play the victim and am all "woe is me"

My sister's said I look like a silverback gorilla and other such things. She's a bully who gets away with it all, because she's the favourite and "normal" (kids, married, no mental illness - although I have doubts about that last one). My dad's called me fat and said that "You're bent like your mother" (she was bipolar). He lives with me and getting him to do anything is such a battle, he doesn't feel like paying the rent, so it's left to me, goes to work when he feels like it, helps my sister with her house but won't with me etc. etc. etc....I could go on and on with them!!

I have a GP and a psychologist that I should go back to (sessions are free and they're within walking distance), but I wonder if it's worth it when my psychologist said me running an instagram account for a celebrity is me living in fantasy land

I won't write any more, because I can't see anyone replying. I've got nothing and nobody and just want to forget...

[Music_Freak]

Sorry for not replying sooner Wednesday, that last paragraph really hit home for me. You're right.

I know Vinnies give vouchers and food, I think I'll call

Sherie saying that she loved my new profile pic hit me too.

That smiling person is gone and the pic was only taken in December last year (the guy is the drummer from Halestorm)

It makes me want to disappear...I've even failed at life, I'm not happy and I realised today that my family are major triggers for everything and they won't acknowledge it and simply don't care

I'm not going to spend time with them over Christmas or my birthday (mine's the day before my dad's so it's always together). I know he matters more than I do, so that's it...I'll be spending Christmas and my birthday home alone with Buddy

If only I was important to someone

[Guest_5218]

Hi Narelle. Yes I do love your new profile picture, especially your smile. You look happy and approachable.

That smiling and happy person we see here is only gone temporarily you know? You can be that person again.

Sure I know you arent happy right now, and life can be so dreadfully unfair sometimes. You've taken some major knocks since that picture was taken. But think of it that you have recently hit rock bottom, but are now heading back up again. Its a long and difficult climb, but you can get there - back up to the top again. Then you will be able to sit and take a breather, and look back at where you've been and how far you've come.

My apologies Narelle, as I may have missed it or forgotten it if mentioned earlier - Have you been seeing, or ever seen a psychologist? If not, do you think it may be worthwhile for you? You are able to get medicare funded psychology visits if your GP does a mental health plan for you.

It could really be quite beneficial for you to do some CBT therapy or something similar. CBT works to help solve current problems and to change unhelpful thinking and behavior. It would help you to overcome these terribly false ideas of yours that you are worthless, unlovable, and a failure.

It may also help you to analyse your family relationships and determine whether you may in fact be better off to cut ties with them. It certainly is not a good thing if they are triggers for you, so perhaps this is something that you need to act upon.

In the meantime, let you reassure you that you are important Narelle. You are important to Buddy, who would not have a life if not for you. You are important to people here on BB, because you are a caring, intelligent presence, and helping others here every day. I would encourage you to allow yourself to become an invaluable member of the team with your volunteer work, starting this Thursday.

In time all this will help to build your self esteem and sense of achievement, and from there you will be in a far better position to make long lasting and mutually beneficial friendships.

A big comforting hug to you Narelle, because you deserve it. Your family dont know what they are missing by not caring about you or including you in their lives. I simply cannot understand them! But its their loss. Rise above them, your Mum always knew you were the special one - and she was right. You dont need the rest of them.

Love to you.

Sherie xx

[Lost_Girl]

Beautifully said Sherie.

You do matter Narelle xx

[Music_Freak]

Sherie, thank you for your post, I burst into tears on the first read and am crying again. You have no idea how much I needed to read what you said

I am going to go on Thursday, even if it's for no other reason than to get away from my dad, but it will be more worth it than that, of course

I've been seeing a psychologist for a few years (4 I think) but haven't been back since February...after she said my fangirl instagram was me living in a fantasy land, which hurt.

I can go for free thanks to someone arranging it all for me, so should go back since I know how lucky I am to have that opportunity, with so few of those places available. Hopefully I can manage to call this week, but I will email today to check in

[Doolhof]

Hi Narelle and everyone,

Sometimes making the effort to make that phone call or to walk out the door to attend an appointment can seem a little daunting.

Once it is done, I feel a sense of relief and appreciation I have managed to do it.

I do hope you are able to get out on Thursday and to also make the appointments you need to.

One step at a time, one job at a time. It is amazing how much I can achieve when I think like that.

Everything at once is just too much on some days!

Wishing you all a positive week.

Cheers from Mrs. Dools

[Wednesday]

Hi Narelle,

I forgot to mention your picture before, it does look great you seem so happy, let's find that girl again.

I'm so proud of you. You have made so many great decisions this sounds like a turning point for you. It worried me that you hadn't been eating so please give vinnes or the salvos or anybody a call (pronto oops bossy bit coming out again ;)) and get some food vouchers, meat and veggies will make you feel much better.

And you are going in on Thursday, woo hoo :). Brilliant despite it being tricky for you you're digging deep and doing it anyway, every step counts.

It's good that you are going to organise to see your psych, but I am still wondering if you have seen a GP? There may be some meds or a change of meds that will help lift your mood. You are smart you know that these dreadful moods of ours make our brains think weird things and make us feel worse than we need to.

You have lots of sisters and brothers on BB cheering you on. You are not alone.

Big squishy hug, xx

[Music_Freak]

Thank you both. I need this place so much right now and it's refreshing to know people are listening to me 🙂

No doctor yet, will get through Thursday yet and see where I am mood wise etc. Don't worry about being bossy Wednesday, you know you're doing it and it comes from the right place

Yes, baby steps it is, they are better than nothing. Now to get out of bed at 1:30...whoopsie

[Wednesday]

I love that you are sounding a bit brighter, do you feel any different today?

[Guest_5218]

You're right Wednesday - Narelle you do sound a little less 'down in the dumps' today. Lovely to hear!

I'm sorry I made you cry with my post earlier, but at least it sounds as though they were either happy tears, or perhaps a relieving cry. Either way, then thats okay and I'm glad of it.

I'm glad you are considering seeing a psychologist again. Its about 6 months since you last saw her. Do you have to see the same one, or do you have another option? The reason I ask is because you were hurt by the one you saw last time when she said you were living in a fantasy world. I would have argued the point I think, because I see nothing wrong with a bit of fantasy in our lives. Look at the movie industry where there are so many fantastic fantasy movies made, and they are inevitably blockbusters. So it you are using a bit of fantasy in your life to help you deal with difficult times, then so what? I'm sorry your psych's comment hurt you Narelle, but perhaps it shouldnt have. I feel sure it was never intended to hurt you. If she says it again to you, I would respond by saying something along the lines of "Yeah perhaps you're right, but I need a bit of fantasy and happiness in my life right now. Besides I enjoy it and I'm good at it, so where's the harm?".

Anyway I just think that you may be in a much better position now to gain greater benefits from some talk therapy, either CBT or some other, than you were back in February. You have a lot of things you can discuss with your psych now and this will help you to make some important decisions in your life. You're at a bit of a crossroads right now.

Did you manage to email the psych place to check in today? I hope you are able to get in to see her or an alternative psych soon. A GP appointment to review your meds is also an important step, so I hope you dont put that off for any longer than necessary. Yeah look at me talking ..... I am a great one to advise someone not to delay making a GP appointment! I do it all the time. But guess what? .... yeah I just got off the phone after making an appointment with my GP for next Monday. Yay ... so .. if I can do it, so can you.

But as you say .......... baby steps. This Thursday's volunteer work first. Then your GP and then your psych. These are not such baby steps either Narelle, they are all significant steps forward.

Ha ha, did you make it out of bed at 1.30pm? Give Buddy a scratch from me. Hugs Narelle.

Sherie xx

[Emmy.]

Hi Narelle.

Im happy I've found this thread of yours as I was getting worried you'd not been commenting on your other one.

How are you getting on hun? Good to hear you're considering seeing your psychologist. how are things going with your Dad - is he contributing to bills and rent?

Hugs to you. Emmy xx