I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[HamSolo01]

hi all

thanks for your well wishes

nat thanks 🙂 i feel like a burden has been lifted to be honest. Uni finishing was a weird experience. But a good one. The date 'situation' is currently being organised so i'll be sure to fill you in on the details once they are organised 😛

swtpotato thanks 🙂 I don't know if 'smooth' is the term I would use haha. More like.. 'smooth intentions but rough around the edges'

james I don't know about a cheeky bugger, but I will take it 😛

Jay yeh it was alright, felt awkward and strange but i guess it was special because we just got along really well 🙂

In other news, today I am at home due to my flu/cold that I managed to pick up.. again.. Was going to go to the gym but i can't be bothered when I'm sick like this because it's gross. Dressed up like it's winter.. absurd really.

I have now come up with plan a and plan b and will be waiting to see what happens between now and the end of the month. I guess I'm happy to play the waiting game atm.

I feel okay with things atm. I might start looking for a bit of work somewhere before I get too bored, but for now it's only been less than a week since uni classes stopped.

I emailed my lecturer today to tell him that i will let him know about the graduation ceremony. Me and another student were talking to him at the end, like we had been the whole semester. I asked him to be a reference on my resume.. all of a sudden i have a bit more confidence to do these things. Weird hey?

the group program finished up last tuesday which was good, tbh i was kind of sick of it by this week. It was useful for a time.

other than that, things are okay i guess. Saw my psych yesterday and that was good too.

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

Sorry to hear you have the flu, not the best time of year to be having it but just need to keep rested to get better.

You think all of this is weird that you have this new confidence but I see it that you are coming to terms with your mental health and honestly overcoming it, you are learning to not let it control your life, re-read what you just wrote, if I said to you two weeks ago that you would write that you probably wouldn't of believed me but here you are writing all these things and it seems you feel almost content which is great. This is you becoming the person you are destined to be. Mental health will not run your life.

My best,

Jay

[HamSolo01]

well that was all short lived..

i dont wanna go to laser tag today because i feel sad.. i feel like a loser and i feel like i am desparate.. i cant handle people anymore and i cant handle the world anymore.. its almost like the universe just doesnt want me to be happy.. or to enjoy my life.. wtf do i have to do.. everything seems futile and useless.. why do i want to be on my own.. why do i want to do my own thing.. why do i have to be so tall yet so alone.. my lot in life is unhappiness..

i cant handle myself and i want to disappear away into the night.. where i can meet people who are the same... but when i do it fails and falls apart.. i feel like i am in limbo betwwen being normal and being a loser and i dont belong in either so i end up stuck in the middle.. 

im condemned to be on my own in life and i have to reconcile myself with that.. i hate it.. but i guess its how it is.. people are too hard to figure out and they are complex.. you tell them too much and they leave.. you tell them not enough and they leave..
i dont wanna go outside my room... im staying here..

i just wanna run away... i cant handle the world.. people think iam a player or a cool guy.. i am really really really not and they cant reconcile that with themselves.. so i get shunned..

[Quercus]

Hi Mitch,

You want to talk about it? What has happened to trigger this slump?

Nat

[james1]

Hi mitch,

I hope you don't mind if I'm a little bit blunt. We've spoken enough and I'd like to see you feel better about yourself.

I can't help you with feeling like a loser and feeling like you'll be alone forever. I can tell you that it's not true, but that's not what matters, right? It feels true to you.

Can you tell us what has happened? I know it feels like things have fallen apart and you just don't belong, but that's what happens sometimes.

Sometimes things don't go the way we plan. It's super disappointing.

If you want to stay inside your room, that's totally okay. We'll be here when you want to talk some more.

James

[HamSolo01]

hey james and nat

i just rang lifeline too

you are not being blunt at all btw

i feel really over all this mental health 'stuff'

i am sick of feeling like this and i have been so for 5 years... just getting by is not enough..

i am at home on my own and i was feeling really bad so i rang lifeline to tell them and speak to someone.. but right now i just dont want to get better or i dont care for anything much really...

i am averse to telling people because all i get is platitudes and also being told that i shouldn't feel this way.. because i have it good in life..

idk.. people must expect me to a player? or a cool guy who knows what to do with his life or something and i'm not that at all... people are shocked when i tell them im a virgin, had no gf, (havent been kissed, although that's not the case anymore) and that i have no money... and i know that because i have told them that. On the way ghome on saturday night these guys (randoms i didnt know on the train) asked me where the girls were at and that i was really tall... and i dont know what to say.. its all just banter and a joke and they were probably on something too but why do they have to ask me that.. i just keep thinking im going nowhere BECAUSE IM NOT

I am at home today and doing nothing.. like usual. I'm sick of feeling like this. And to be honest im sorry i even started this forum because i just drag you guys down as well..

i texted my mum and told her i rang lifeline.. but that's it..

i am not happy and i am not fulfilled in life in any way... i have chosen not to hang out today because i cant stand seeing the world in this state of mind..

i don't know what to do with myself

[HamSolo01]

i just dont care anymore... about anything

[Quercus]

Hi Mitch,

It is ok to feel like you don't care.

It is ok to feel like you're not what people expect you to be.

And it is ok to not have any drive to do what everyone else seems to do.

I think all of these feelings are normal. Maybe I'm weird but I don't think so seeing as in group therapy people said the same things.

You're not bringing us down. Just think there are people online the same as you who will read this and think thank God I'm not alone.

But we give you the tough love because you tend not to try to help yourself (self sabotage!) or speak openly about what is really happening (avoiding questions).

Right. So deep down what is going on? You don't have to reply just write it out for yourself. What are the specific problems that have set you off? Are you worried about asking your girl on a date? Are you worried about work? Are you bored?

Once you know WHY you feel so low you can do something about it. But going around in circles dwelling on you being a failure (BS by the way) is not useful. Work out what is happening in your head and pick it apart into things you can change.

Aknowledge the crap feelings and get to the guts of it. It helps. That's my psychotherapy in general. He guudes me to dissect the feeling into little parts so I can actually see WHY I feel that way. It doesn't stop the feelings but most of the time it lets me brush them off and say "right. Hating being in my own skin. Hating the mirror. Ok that's shit. What can I do to make myself feel better about me?".

Does that make any sense? Probably not. But I do care. Come on Mitch you've got this. Break it down into pieces you can work with.

[Ulysses]

Hi there. I know exactly what you’re going through. I had the same problems and ended up attempting suicide I got so depressed BUT if I had have waited and not nearly killed myself I would have found out that something so good was just around the corner. I got on a serious dating site. That means pay a small fee for better returns. You can find someone who will support you and love you. I did. Let’s face it I’ve had depression my whole life. I couldn’t just say “well when I sort myself out I’ll find someone”. It’s about working together to manage it and there are good people out there. Good luck and something big might be around the corner. Ps I’m not the only one on this site who met the man of a lifetime despite being depressed

[Quercus]

Oh I forgot the PS...

Get off your butt and go play laser tag!

Run. Shoot stuff. Laugh. Take it as an opportunity to exercise.

Maybe you'll get home and still feel rubbish. Or maybe it will give you the kick you needed today.

That's me. The hardest part is getting ready and leaving the house. I can dread it days in advance. But once I'm there I'm ok. Not always great or even fine. But it does help to stop dwelling.

Get out of the house and out of your head for a while... The dissection can wait.