I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[HamSolo01]

i hate it

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

That's just it but, you know you aren't in the state of mind for a relationship yet you get annoyed when a friend has a girlfriend, it just simply isn't your time yet and I know that sucks, I was at the exact same position in my early 20's, wondered if I would ever meet anybody, seeing everyone else have it better than me but then down the track I met someone and it changed my perspective, the amount of girls I chased and to no avail as well, always just the friend. Your time will come my friend, it will.

However until you are 100% happy with yourself you cannot be with someone else because you won't give them your all. If I asked what some things were you would like to achieve by Christmas, what would you say?

My best,

Jay

[james1]

Hey mitch,

I think you hit it right on the head when you say feel like you've made the issue for yourself. That's not to say it isn't real - it is very real - but often when we feel let down, upset and dissatisfied, we start reaching for reasons. And often that reason becomes, 'I'm broken.' Unfortunately, doing this just strengths our depression and damages our self image.

You talked about how you found just studying at uni really unattractive and how it was your best chance at something, I think you mean getting a girlfriend? Since this hasn't happened, you feel like that's your uni life done and dusted, and there'll be no more future chances because, as you said, you're 'too weird'.

We all fall into the same trap of blaming ourselves or thinking we're broken or weird somehow.

But as Jay mentioned, these things happen and then something else happens and our perspective changes. Sometimes this change comes out of nowhere without us doing anything, but mostly it takes a lot of hard work to stop reaching for the automatic 'I'm broken' reason, and look elsewhere. Each time we grab onto that automatic reason, we damage our self image. Our goal is to change that. How else can we beat depression unless we think we're not broken?

Like Jay, I'm also keen to know what kinds of things you'd like to do by Christmas. You mentioned working on melbourne cup day? I think that's awesome. You've also go those applications going which is a huge step forward too. Any more you'd like to submit this year or even next?

James

[HamSolo01]

Hey Jay and James

Thanks for your posts.

The past two days have been interesting. On the topic of dating and romance, i have managed to speak to two girls via tinder. I'm not putting too much on it because it's tinder after all. But I guess I just want to try talking to them and see what happens. Just to kinda build my confidence. If I can get a date then that's good too. No reason why it has to be a relationship. I feel like that would help. What I am learning is that everyone is different, but I have slowly begun to accept that I am too... it's not a bad thing at all in fact.

It's settled too. I have a plan B - teach english overseas somewhere.

My last exam is on the 17th and I have my last day of uni ever on tomorrow.

I have 2 essays (one in the process of being written) and another one the way.

I am thinking of applying for basic jobs once Uni is done and dusted. Or maybe I will just try to get some more students and chill til christmas. I will figure it out. But for now I need to keep on task with finishing uni and keeping the balance.

Diet, exercise and sleep are the 3 things I need to concentrate on for now. I managed to go 4 times last week. Went today after not having gone for a while. Because of my body type it takes a while for me to build up strength and muscle but the trick is to eat more calories. I struggle with that because of depression - which suppresses my hunger. But I just need to gradually increase my weight that I lift. I have noticed I am looking a bit better too. Nowhere near as skinny as I was back in high school which is good. That's what I wanted. After those really 2 bad days earlier in the week I have brought my appointments forward to earlier times as well.

I've also tried to cut myself a bit more slack.

I am about to finish uni and that is an achievement. I will miss it, but I can see that there is a need to move on. The world is really big and I'm bound to find a place in it. Whether it is accepting the graduate role OR going OS to do English. Either is good. I saw a careers advisor and uni and she was really good too. Told me that they still offer help after uni finishes. Pretty good deal I think.

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

Amazing post. That was great to read, I have said it before when you are seeing things clearly there really is no limit to what you can achieve. You now have a plan B which is great, never let it distract from plan A however and things will be ok. I am glad to read you also met a couple of girls on Tinder, it is good not to expect too much from it and just take it as it comes. It is a great confidence booster.

You hit the nail on the head as well when you said there is a place in this world for you, damn right there is and you just own whatever place that is and be the best version of yourself you can be. No one can stop a determined person.

Congratulations on finishing uni as well, it is a great achievement and I am glad you are proud of it as you should be. You earned it all.

With mental health, diet, sleep & exercise are the most important things to help clear the mind and the more you can do it I think the better you will feel.

One thing I think you should be super proud of is the fact you came to all of these conclusions on your own with your psychologist's help. You bought yourself out from the bad start to the week. Great stuff.

My best,

Jay

[HamSolo01]

a bad start to the week was topped off with a cracker ending

finished uni on a high and also got my first kiss

she was a friend of a friend who organised going to the end of year ball at uni..

i just found her cute.. idk.. we hit it off and got drunk.. danced together and i walked her back to the hotel

then on the stairs i planned it.. by carrying her shoes i had to give them back and this happened:

me: "do you want your shoes back?"

her: "idk.. maybe i dont want, them do you want them?"

me: "maybe i want something else"

her: "maybe you do"

and she lent in and i did too and we smooched lol.. then i said "thats more like it"

then i told her it was my first kiss.. and she was shocked a bit.. then i asked her about hers.. she told me.. then we hugged a bit and kept talking crap lol..

then we said we had to go on a date.. so yeh.. thats a crazy week lol

[Quercus]

Hi Mitch,

Thank you. How lovely to come online and see you happy and enjoying yourself. I hope the cheerful mood sticks around for you and you can organise your date soon 😊.

Congratulations on finishing uni! It is a massive achievement!

Nat

[swtpotato]

Hi Mitch,

just a quick note to say congrats with uni and I’m so glad it went well with that girl

huge news!

very smooth

m

[james1]

Hey mitch, aren't you a cheeky bugger? lol.

Love it.

James

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

Awesome stuff mate, great to come on here after not being on here in a few days and just seeing great news. First kiss is always awesome and it sounds like it was great.

Hopefully you have a date with her soon.

My best,

Jay