I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[HamSolo01]

feeling pretty average today tbh..

[Quercus]

Hey Mitch,

Yeah it's one of those days here too. I'm just trying to pass the time and keep my self together until I can put the kids to bed this evening and go to sleep.

What works to keep you busy or distract you?

Thanks for your reply by the way. I have a thread in long term support. Feeling well enough to find my voice again. Ha wish it was true today.

Take care of yourself ok?

[HamSolo01]

hey there nat

i have to write up 2000 words by tomorrow night for an essay.. my second last one actually

i am struggling to articulate what my thoughts are so i am just dumping all this crap out onto a word document and it is starting to make a little bit more sense...

It's all about how we now have 'global' problems that need to be deal with at a global level.. but naturally i disagree. I think these problems are localized but have global consequences.. (should include that in the essay)..

So thinking about this essay is a good distraction actually. It's just been so hard to formulate my understanding and get resources... 2000 words is about 12 resources (And they can't all be ones from the course outline sadly) so i will do what i usually do.. write up a draft then hunt for resources that i agree with and incorporate them.. i really don't care because at the end of the day i just want to get this damn degree done (last week this week) and my mental health has been playing up non stop. I already have 2 weeks extension on it (which is why it is due tomorrow... not 2 weeks ago).

I guess it's same old me putting more into it than what is needed...

I didn't go out last night either. Took it easy because I was feeling VERY ill.

Lately I just feel so out of touch with my own generation and all that crap...

life is hard

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

I just want to bring up something that you said earlier when you said you matched with someone on eharmony and then her best friend on tinder and said she was cool because she understood your mental health, are you pretty up front with people you meet about your mental health battles? I am in no way saying this is a bad thing as I actually find it quite interesting if you did, would really show some true strength in yourself.

I read in your last post you didn't end up going out last night, was it ill from the mental health or physically ill? Hope you're doing better with way.

We always accept other people's flaws but not our own it is because we are our harshest critic and we always think we should be better than what we are. In reality every day we are trying to become the best version of ourselves that we can be and in the end of the day, you are the only one who can control it. Yeah you may be a virgin but you know what, I bet there are many early to mid 20 year olds who are virgin's as well and just don't have the guts to admit it, your strength actually outweighs any weakness you feel you have in my opinion.

I think have your course has concluded it may be worth getting out there a little more if you can and putting yourself out there, as hard as it is, challenging yourself is a good way to grow I find.

Did you end up finishing the essay?

My best,

Jay

[swtpotato]

Hi mitch!

Thanks for your reply to my post. I really like it when you reflect on things like that it feels nice to know you find it helpful/interesting.

I have a thread in the long-term support section. 'existential and social anxiety: can you relate?'

if venting works then vent away, and then go somewhere else and vent there too.

I'm in the same boat with the essay! I have to write 2000+ words by midnight tomorrow... currently about to do an all-nighter. Interesting you say that about local-global. My essay is on dialogue between indigenous and settler philosophy -- which basically = localised, specific, non-hierarchal, non-homogenous, narrative-driven vs universalist, hierarchal, dualisms, technical/abstract focussed. this makes sense to me at least.part of it is saying the local is significantly overlooked. i agree with you about local/global problems.

(also have 2 weeks extension but will probably still manage to hand it in a day late)

so one more essay after this??!! just a few more hurdles (but i suppose many other different kinds of hurdles to follow after...but can always procrastinate worrying about that too)

Glad you took it easy and looked after yourself.

Yeah... our generation is completely absurd and makes no sense.

Life is hard. Yep. That's why we gotta help each other out.

good luck!

m

[HamSolo01]

Jay I'm rarely upfront with these things. The only reason I told that particular girl was because i deleted her off facebook but then added her again... idk why.. it was a spur of the moment rash decision. I was embarrased by the fact that I left things too long. That I looked like a weirdo and didn't know to handle myself. Which is basically the truth. I ended up being embarrassed about being embarrassed. Also because I never had a proper job earning money or anything like that - she wasn't a uni student so probably didn't really understand.. See how i doubt myself a lot? I think it was best that nothing happened. I wasn't in a fit state of mind back then. I doubt that I ever was tbh (which is what the tinder experience was like too). I get really self conscious when it comes to romance and dating culture. I genuinely don't like the way i look and feel about myself (on two levels) and hate the fact that I am not conventional enough to 'fit' in because i don't have enough money and all that. Earning nothing is not attractive.. no matter what anyone says. That's a simple fact it would seem.. if you want to fit in with the conventional anyway.

I didn't go out because of my physical health yes. Was too sick. Whenever I am sick like that I get worse off. It was a bit of mental health as well but then so be it. It was because I was sick.. sniffling and sneezing and feeling flu like is not fun.

"I bet there are many early to mid 20 year olds who are virgin's as well
and just don't have the guts to admit it, your strength actually
outweighs any weakness you feel you have in my opinion."

You are probably pretty accurate there tbh. I still stand by my own decisions.

I am planning on working on melbourne cup day so that is step one in putting myself out there a bit more. I will also start researching and putting out 'feelers' for potential plan b's in the case that the govt graduate thing doesn't go ahead. It's all a process.

the relationship thing.. still hangs around. But what I begin to realise is that it doesn't have to be localised. If i end up going to Japan i will meet people from all over the world. The world is bigger than my experience thus far. That gives me hope for the future of romance lol.

For now though I think i might be developing some new friendships in a new group but idk. I am just playing it by ear.

Right now though I need to get back to my essay.

thanks for checking by jay hope you are well otherwise 🙂

[HamSolo01]

hey swtpotato

i will defs check out your post in the forums! as soon as i get a chance to

"My essay is on dialogue between indigenous and settler philosophy -- which basically = localised, specific, non-hierarchal, non-homogenous, narrative-driven vs universalist, hierarchal, dualisms, technical/abstract focussed."

Except I can't help but feel that the 'narrative-driven' is true for ANY culture.. All cultures have their narratives after all.. Food for thought though right?

This sounds VERY complex haha. What I am getting from it though is that the local indigenous 'way of life' (if you can use that term) is not only different in its application to life, but on its core assumptions as well? Is that correct? Particularly on the case of non-homogenous and non-hierarchical.. That's what I understand those words to mean..

I feel like this is turning into an academic thread haha. It makes up for all the classes i had that went nowhere haha.

I am currently at 1080 ish words in my essay. I already don't like the way I've written so I will run this past you and make sure it makes sense.

Basically, the question I have to do is on 'global governance' which is essentially mechanisms and operations at the international level. So things like law, declarations etc. Now, i have to distinguish between whether or not a strong state (hint USA) is good for enabling and securing global peace in the wake of global threats OR global governance is required. I honestly global governance is a load of garbage.

Simply put, every mechanism in every international organisation (UN, WTO, IMF) is structured in such a way that it favours superpowers. Whether or not that is something we like is not the point - it is the way it is. So far I have written about how North Korea continually defies nuclear testing regulations. I am arguing that nuclear testing is basically the best way to assure the rest of the world takes you seriously as a threat. Iran is the same.

I don't like to think of the badness and such, but I just write it in a purely objective way (or as objectively as i can lol).

I am about to write about the global financial system also serving the interests of superpowers.. because the very practice of international trade and capital accumulation is backed by powerful nation states (like when the USA bails out banks in the GFC).

So yeh... that's my essay haha. If you can help me SOMEHOW that'd be grand haha 🙂

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

Thanks for your reply.

I understand why you ended up telling her, makes sense and you were trying to just explain your situation so she would understand where you were coming from which is totally understandable. I know you say earning nothing is unattractive but I think at the same time you have to understand and people do that you are studying, if you were not working, not studying, just sitting at home doing nothing then yeah that is unattractive but you are studying and you sound really smart too, what you wrote in your last post about your essay, wow I struggled to keep up with what it was about, sounds very advanced and I love politics and what not.

I like your thought on going to Japan and meeting new people, the world is full of people you have not met yet and your outlook on that is 100% accurate. I have no doubt there is a future of romance for you.

Hopefully working on Melbourne Cup also is good for you and keep working on the plan B, just don't let it distract from plan A.

How did the essay finish up?

My best,

Jay

[HamSolo01]

i havent finished the essay yet jay because i feel like i will do a better job by handing it in a day late and losing 2%

i also just dont care too much about this stuff... i just want to move on with my life i guess?

your point about not studying and just sort of sitting about at home is unattractive and i would agree with you 100%

but then again, studying and doing nothing else is just as unattractive i would say.. i guess the point was that i wasn't happy with it.. but i will be doing nothing as of next week... so that's my life at uni done basically... tbh i feel like it was my best chance... but then i always found socialising hard..

i feel like i have made the issue for myself actually... just because i was never able to fully accept myself and all that..

whatever really.... idk i dont care too much for relationships at the moment... im not overly happy with myself and that is a bigger problem

i just don't know what it will take?

[HamSolo01]

another friend has a gf now

i hate it...

i am just so over this...

maybe im just to weird or something idk..