I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[swtpotato]

Hi hamsolo,

i love these posts! Being able to acknowlege and feel proud of positives and personal skills is huge! It’s so hard to do when under the cloud of depression and anxiety. I’m very proud of you too you’ve answered a lot of your own questions and worries by yourself.

I haven’t been around due to crazy uni schedule but I plan to be back on the forums a lot more when that’s all done.

It’s always very interesting when you go in believing something different about yourself (e.g ‘pretending’ you feel confident) and realising how differently people react to you. That there isn’t much difference between pretending and actually being confident/other things - I think it’s all to do with belief (why depression/anxiety makes it so hard for us).

Perhaps you could plan a few more activities to try this out again and see how it goes, kinda like experiments and exposure therapy. See how this one social event led you to question a lot of negative beliefs about yourself?

dont worry about the power thing aha I found that happened to me too but eventually my other emotions came back as well so I felt less like a robot.

i think it’s great you have a plan b and you are sticking with your routine.

Continue to expect fluctuations in mood and motivation and try and be kind to yourself when it happens. Perhaps you could write a safety plan kind of thing while you are motivated where you remind yourself when you crash to let it pass, to actively counter it, and activities that tend to help you feel better.

Good luck u are doing great :)))

m

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

Ahh sounds like it all went great at the assessment centre and you are writing a lot more positive and grounded which is great and I have said before when you are in this mindset, it shows that you can literally accomplish anything you want too. I think it is good to have a plan B as well but don't let it distract you for plan A and still focus your energy into that of course. It is good that you realised you can command respect, not many people can do that but from what I read it sounded like you went in with confidence to this place and really owned it as your own which is great and no one could ask more of you.

Regarding your second post, I too compare myself to others and it really hurts ourselves for no reason. People have all different things affecting their life and are where they are because of certain circumstances, you just have the play the one's you are dealt and try your best to become everything you can become.

My best,

Jay

[HamSolo01]

there is no one for me...

why do i bother...

i'm too different..

[HamSolo01]

horrible night

horrible day

horrible life

[swtpotato]

Hey dude

What a weight you carry around

Sometimes it’s just too heavy yeah ?

We’re still here supporting you through these dips. They come, and then they pass. But i know how exhausting it is trying to deal and then prepare yourself for the next one.

I don’t think I have much advice atm but just know I feel for you and I believe in you even if you do not — you’ve got it.

m

[HamSolo01]

thanks swtpotato

i wrote this up yesterday and also today on another forum site and it sums up my current state rather well

yesterday:

"he horrible feeling of being a loser/virgin/weird person
i hate the way i am and the way society screws with my mind... my already screwed mind..
i need to move on from my history and it's so hard to do..
i don't know what to do anymore with my life..
i feel like i am not a man because i am a virgin... there i said it... finally...
i hate it actually....
sorry i know you have your own bad experiences with this stuff, but i just need to vent it"

today:

i woke up at 3:30am in a cold sweat and kept playing over my performance in the assessment centre the other day.. and the fact a "friend" tagged me on facebook that basically joked saying i was actually gay with a friend of mine... bloody joke gets old... both he and this other friend are not single and i cant stand it. Feel so shit by comparison.
got to sleep at 5am... so i kinda know where you are coming from.
I am at a cafe getting breakfast because i woke up in the middle of the night.. at uni this morning.. 2nd last week coming to a close.. chiro this arvo as well..
really not liking life atm

later today:

The feeling less of a man stems from this for sure. I've thought about
it recently and i think it's because of the influence certain
individuals have had on me growing up after school finished. I had so
much religious crap forced at me in high school about sex being only for
marriage etc. Then i no longer am religious because of the negative
impacts it had on me and my mental health.
I will eventually no
longer be one but for now it just plagues my mind... curiousity mixed
with low self worth.. but ive seen first hand the attitude of mainstream
society and how it isnt good for people to view one another as objects.
There
is so much stigma towards virginity. But i guess when people find out
that i am they are sometimes surprised. Then i get the whole 'tall guys
have it easy' crap.
But the problem for me is the image perception
people have of virgins. You get judged. That doesn't help anxiety. What i
also realise is that i would need understanding about my anxiety before
sex. Or else I would be particularly nervous and or concerned..
I just hate it really... i hate being an exception to the norm in so many aspects

And i also told them that I have to prepare for tonight - being on my own every weekend and friday night

[Quercus]

Hi Mitch,

You know what you need...

What i also realise is that i would need understanding about my anxiety before sex. Or else I would be particularly nervous and or concerned..

Understanding. Patience. Kindness and acceptance. There are women out there like that. You just haven't met her yet. Don't give up.

To the rest... Stuff what they think. Easy to say. Hard to do. But true.

At school my friend once called his best friend gay (a nasty word starting with F actually). I grabbed him by the hair and smacked his face against the bus seat (padded he was embarrassed not hurt). Screeched at him we expect that we expect enough of that crap from people who don't know us... But from a friend? That's not being a friend. That's being an ass.

The friend lived in my street. He walked me home silently and then spoke.

Him... I'm sorry. I am jealous of him. I lashed out at him because I was jealous.

Me... Why? He loves you! You've been friends since you were kids.

Him... I wanted to be noticed for once. He is funny and smart and popular and self confident and girls at school are mad about him with his long blonde hair. They don't see me.

Me... stared and laughed. He is petite and the boys at school call him names endlessly and he's never included like you are. He's not sporty like you. You have what he wants... To be accepted as part of the "blokes".

Him... Huh? Really?

Me...You owe him an apology. Plus there are plenty of girls who notice you dumbass. Want their names?

My point. People are jerks. Usually because they put others down to feel better or to build themselves up.

You've never had sex... So what? I've never kissed another woman. My friends think that is weird. Part of uni is about experimentation and fun they say. You haven't lived!

I snort and think yeah experimentation at uni was so much fun (sarcasm) that's what got me into the whole experience that led to rape.

You and only you have the right to decide what it means to you to be a man. Just like for me only I get to choose my actions and what I do and don't want.

Sorry this sounds aggressive not in a good place either. Take care of yourself please.

[swtpotato]

Hey mitch,

I hear you.

I think I myself have written in my journal somewhere; feel like a loser, virgin, weird... I hated myself because I believed something to be deeply inherently wrong with me.

Which turned out to be bullshit. I don't believe there's such thing as something being 'inherently' wrong with anyone. There are flaws we must accept, but nothing we cannot improve or change. I think everyone has inherent worth (just doesn't mean I have to like them..)

I'm in a much better place now. I put myself in new and different experiences and started finding out who I was from that. Sure, I used to be quiet, boring, confusing, irritable, dramatic... but I was me and that was enough and I forgive that person. How could I not forgive someone for not being 'fun' when fighting a serious mental and physical illness?? It seems crazy now. I didn't have to change absolutely everything about myself in order to like myself, like I had thought at the time.

I think this is possible for you.

It sounds like you know part of why you think/react the way you do.

There is a lot of anger and hurt towards yourself. A lot of anger at society's expectations. You have strong values and opinions. I hope you keep writing it all out somewhere, like in a journal. Exercise it out, vent it out. There is value in it. It makes sense.

What is happening with the treatment/therapy situation? It seems like you are in need of a structured routine which gives you real gradual progress.

Can you think of anything you could try differently here that may help you? Help us help you more?

m

[HamSolo01]

hey nat and swtpotato

thanks for your help and advice

nat firstly thank you for sharing your story. I did not know that you have been raped before. Thank you for being able to share it with a sense of hope all for benefitting me. That tells me you are a really great person 🙂 (but we already knew this)

I really like this bit: What i also realise is that i would need understanding about my anxiety before sex. Or else I would be particularly nervous and or concerned..
Understanding. Patience. Kindness and acceptance. There are women out there like that. You just haven't met her yet. Don't give up.

where you quoted me and spoke more about it. You hit the nail on the head. Giving up is the worst possible choice so long as I don't give up then it's okay right? and what i have also noticed is that there are plenty of fish in the sea. The reality is that I simply haven't been fishing enough yet because i don't think the fisherman is all that well (code for working on my own self). I did join tinder again but I am feeling like this won't be effectual. I actually think the way it is programmed has changed in such a way that you basically need to pay to get more matches.. they basically control it through location.. so it's possible that there are matches that only match when the software detects BOTH are paying users.

quick little anecdote about tinder.. i once joined eharmony and got one person interested in me and i didn't really like her. Two months later I match with someone via tinder and then eventually add her on facebook... guess who her best friend is? yeh.. the girl from eharmony.. i was just so shocked that i had to laugh. I avoided that whole scenario but that's the universe taking the piss out of me i guess hey? shame too because this girl via tinder was super understanding about my mental health.. but i think i just left it too long to actually ask to hang out.. and the fact she was on the other side of sydney.. but maybe i shocked her away.. Who knows. It's in the past now.

I also managed to push myself into organising work on melbourne cup day (Considering i will have 0 money at the end of the next two weeks). I hesitated at first and rang my friends boss with the intention of saying i couldn't do it... but then magically found myself organising it and it's set up now. Weird.

[HamSolo01]

swtpotato

this was really good and well written: How could I not forgive someone for not being 'fun' when fighting a
serious mental and physical illness?? It seems crazy now. I didn't have
to change absolutely everything about myself in order to like myself,
like I had thought at the time.

I agree totally. Why accept these flaws in other people and not ourselves? I always always always always always struggle with this.

It's funny what you say about 'vent' it out actually because i have found a really cool app called vent. It's basically a less structured form of twitter. I post up about my own mental health issues and read other people's. Most of the people who use it are american but that doesn't matter because they are real people.. reminds what you said about everyone having intrinsic worth (but also not having to like them)

the treatment and therapy situation is overall going okay. I will be seeing my psychologist in 2 weeks time. I have an appointment every 3 weeks now. It's the best course of action I find. Gives me a sense of continuity but also having to kinda 'fend on my own' if you catch my drift.

This way I don't become too reliant on the appointments. But maybe that will change in the next few weeks once uni ends and i need to fill up my time with different things.

Tonight i might be doing something but I might not. I don't see any urgency about tonight's activities that are planned with a new kinda group that seems to be forming. But I don't know how comfortable i am in it yet. Haven't made my mind up just yet about what is happening. Tbh I don't think I will find out because of the history I have with someone there. But whatever. I don't really care either way. I am kinda apathetic about the whole thing to be honest.Playing it by ear will be best.

not too sure about what yous can do to help more. I think just keep checking in like you already are.

I am admittedly feeling placid at the moment but that can change. Sometimes I will write up my thoughts and vent my spleen because this forum is an outlet for me. I don't ever want to push people away from it because of what i say (or what i expect out of it from other people). I guess that's all yous can do.

do you have a forum on here too? (nat you too?)