I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[HamSolo01]

good morning nat

i have a bit of an appetite this morning but its not strong..

i am really just done with caring so much about getting better..

tomorrow i have uni class in the morning then if my moods allow me i will focus on applying for a coupld of jobs advertised through uni. I also need to start an essay due in a week that i was hoping to make a start on with the lecturers help. But with one week left it doesn't look good.

I don't care about that tbh.

I'm so over waking up thinking there is no point to my life or that its boring etc.

these are hard times..

walking bores me and i worry people will see me.. people who i once knew well...

i just feel really empty and or bored as well as anxious and depressed.. such a crap combo..

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

I agree with what you said, these are hard times, and I know how much it sucks and feels like it nothing is going right, you are right in the middle of this battle with your mental health, I know you have come so far but you need to keep pushing and finding any motivation you can. You said you have pushed looking for jobs out until after graduation which is good and I think should give you a little more clarity.

We all need to find a purpose and I know how tough that is, I think your purpose is far greater than you give yourself credit for as well.

How was your weekend if you don't mind me asking?

My best,

Jay

[HamSolo01]

hi jay

my weekend was as average as can be, it usually is..

just chilled out at home really.. saturday night was grizzly to say the least..

i am getting sick of feeling isolated and all that..

idk.. i don't really care about all this stuff tbh.. i just want to sort my life out by knowing what to expect next year and what i will do..

feels like i am losing friends and not making them..

i managed to go the gym yesterday which was useful given i really didnt think i would be able to manage it

i am very depressed, exhausted, anxious and alone.. i hate it

this forum and SANE forums are probably the only thing keeping me going at the moment..

[james1]

Hey Mitch,

It's very hard when we put that expectation and pressure on ourselves to get better. I don't know how it happened, but I tried to stop doing that and just let myself get better 'naturally'.

So rather than expecting myself to get better, I just expected myself to try and do things. I ran instead of going to the gym, and I went to meet up groups. I think the biggest thing for me was making the commitment to go to therapy even if I didn't want to or had nothing to say.

It just sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself in terms of having your life sorted, making friends, being less boring and getting better. But these are hard targets and they're long term targets too.

I know it's a slog to just look at it day by day and struggle to see results, but from what you've told us about what you're doing on a day-to-day basis, you're doing really well to get yourself in a good healthy routine. It's just a matter of continuing to try and make friends when the opportunity rises, and just focus on doing things that are good for you. Gym, uni, applying for jobs - all good things.

James

[HamSolo01]

hey again

i feel like the putting pressure on myself thing is something ingrained into me since i was a kid. If i dont do it then i feel like i am getting nowhere. People always talk about their lives and what they are doing and i look at mine and i see barely anything interesting. Then people are probably talking behind my back. I say that because they always talk about others behind their back..

I'm just sick of it. I really am. I am over just trying to get by. I am over failure and I am over mental health.

I don't care about therapy and I don't care about medications.

It has been this way for too long. I dunno what I gotta do to change.

I am stressing over wednesday's assessment centre. I feel like therecis more riding on it. It's more than just an interview.. its like it will define my whole life path. It basically will.

I am over being the loser but i have no choice.

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

I don't think you are a loser at all, I try my hardest to understand why you put so much pressure on yourself, you put all the weight of the world on your shoulders and you don't need too, you only have to do what you can control. Let's for arguments sake say the assessment centre doesn't go as planned, you need to look at back up options and give you self a back up plan. Not everything works out as you would like it too in life and I know there are a lot of people who would happily admit that, myself included and you really do not know what is in store for you. I think half of the battle with mental health isn't getting too far ahead of ourselves, it is such a long journey to overcome mental health and believe me you are sometimes feeling so optimistic about everything and usually it coincides with seeing your doctors because they give you a lot of motivation. I know you feel alone and these battles can be so tough and I like that you are still going to the gym because you know it is better for you and makes you feel better, you should apply the same approach to the doctors, seeing them and keeping up with your medication if it is prescribed is only there to help you. People do want to see you happy and better as much as it may not feel like it, your family, friends, they would want you at 100% and happy with life. There is so much out there for you.

You're a really great person, don't ever forget that.

My best,

Jay

[HamSolo01]

hey

had the assessment today

i will post up more tomorrow as i am rather tired atm

[james1]

Cool. Looking forward to hearing how it went.

[HamSolo01]

Hey all

Frst things first, the assessment centre yesterday was alright. It was split into 3 parts. Interview, individual task, group task. The group task was first. I weirdly enough found myself taking charge of it at times. Pushing ideas forward and listening to the other members. My biggest worry is that my shirt was untucked and potentially showed off my belly lol. Not to worry. The other components were okay as well. They all seemed like a nice bunch of people. One of the girls there said i looked really red in the face.. after the group presentation. But i brushed it off and made some other comment or joke about it.

Wat i actually learned was that i seeem to be able to command respect from people.. more than i thought. A couple of examples yesterday were the group presentation, the fact that i was making small talk with a few people and they proceeded to sit next to me, the fact that at the end i asked a question at the end that was "good" according to the guy running it or something idk. It's weird. But whatever. I guess I don't wanna become a maniac and get off on controlling people. Anyways.

I have to come up with a plan B now and i think i am edging closer to teaching english overseas. Need to research it a bit more though. I think it'd be good to get away from things actually.

For now i need to keep regular with my attendance at the gym and also eating right. Well, eating often i guess. Thats the bigger issue.

Limiting social media helps too. It limits my knowledge of what people are doing. That way i dont feel as bad about myself. I also realised today that friends are time and context dependent but there are occassional diamonds in the rough and they are the ones you hold on to.

My loneliness is still there, but i suppose distraction is a helpful tool. Very helpful actually.

Aother thing i have noticed too is that i have a good memory. It is a blessing and a curse. But the reality is that meeting new people, going on with life.. doesn't mean i am fixed in the past. I need to be grounded in my past.. but not fixed by it. It is not as rigid as i thought.

I guess the reality kicked in yesterday when i was there. My past did not matter.

Reminded me that there is much more to happen in life. Theres still time. Comparing myself is something i do a lot of.

I will continue the rest in another post

[HamSolo01]

I remember reading something once that said we seldom compare ourselves to those whom we consider inferior. I think it was David Hume.. anyways. In my own life that is certainly true. I often do so with people who are a little younger than me and who have their lives sorted more or less. What ive noticed is those people have a silver spoon in their mouth.. i think i was born with plastic fork in my mouth lol. So i have some sort of advantage but definitely not as good as others.

Depression and anxiety warp your sense of self.

I guess i can remember that as a start point.

Keep that in mind and then go and do what must be done.