I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[HamSolo01]

Hey everyone

Wrote this up before on the other forums

Was an alright day. Had my psych in the night. Then was up finishing an essay which i have probably buggered up)
Had 3 hours of sleep then woke up at 5 45. Took a medication and went back to sleep. So no gym today.. i can never go when i feel tired or have little energy.
I have my assessment centre next week for that graduate program. Bit nervous about it. But today i feel really bad so im not gonna think about next week today.
Just have to get through today.
I always feel like i am getting nowhere in life. That i "should" be doing more. I feel guilty that i am at home today.
I have about a month left in my degree. I think once i have done my last exam then i will put more effort into finding a job. Just as a 'thing to do' that soaks up the time.
I keep remembering and thinking about what everyone else is doing. How they bfs or gfs.. and im just on my own.
Such a crappy feeling today. I cant do much because i am headachey and stressed out.
I feel paralysed.

[james1]

Hey mitch, if you're not feeling good today, then yeah best put aside the assessment centre from your mind for now. That's a good way to take care of yourself.

Sounds like you're having a rough day. Comparisons with other people is always going to drain you because everyone else's life always looks better. You've probably heard of confirmation bias - well, I think it happens to a lot of people struggling with negative self image. We think we're worse, and so that's all we see.

Did you know that in the 2011 census 24% of households were single? And what about those in unhappy relationships? We don't see that.

And how about the poor people stuck doing manual jobs, wishing they could get a uni education? Sure, they have a job, money, maybe a partner and friends to have a beer with. but they want more.

Point is comparisons will always drag you down. Think about what you're doing:

- you're learning new skills at uni (tbh the actual content is often pretty useless, but the skills are useful)

- you're keeping physically healthy

- you're in touch with your emotions

- you're actively trying to build a better life for yourself

- you're not compromising on your values and actually working them out too

I think if you were to ask any of your friends whether this is something they'd want, they'd probably say yes.

Instead, they might be more like me. on the full time work train towards a mid-life crisis. Choo choo!

I think you know you're on the right path. You've said so yourself a few times. Just gotta hang tight some days and bunker down.

James

[HamSolo01]

hey james

thanks for your help

that statistic is interesting to me.. i had no idea that 24% of households were single

it seems like people are lonely now more than ever... but that still doesn't really offer much in the way of condolences

i am really freaking out and getting very depressed today.. i have to go to the shops to get a new suit for the assessment centre next week and my friend is coming over to validate the passport photo i need

but all these things are just being ticked off a list... nothing else

i submitted a body pic to a fitness website too and they told me i looked okay but needed to do more weight training.. something i could've figured out myself though.. i don't really care for putting on weight yet.. at least not until i have other parts of my life figured out (namely what I am going to be doing next year) but then I will still keep going and trying to increase weights and such

today i played a bit of xbox but progressively got worse and also played pc

i have 0 motivation to look for odd jobs and work but i might try it now through the uni site

i also want to improve my social life because i feel like i am too dependent on pre-existiing friendships and they can go stale or overused too

i was going to go to a meetup last sunday but bailed last minute because i was too tired

I don't have much self respect left because i dont see why i should bother

i lose my appetite and can't eat much which means i don't have enough energy at the gym which means i can't put as much weight on...

i can't stand living life like this because I am only just surviving and not living..

part of me doesnt want to finish uni because its a reminder of how i might've wasted my time..

i can't handle this world anymore... i really can't

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

I feel for you, I can see how much of a tough cycle you always find yourself in and you come out of it with flying colours and get slowly dragged back down, the mental health dog is just pulling at your leg. You're such a good person and I just wish I had the perfect piece of advice to offer you to make you feel better.

I understand everything you are saying but I want to point out that graduating from your course should be such a proud moment for you. Like I have said before, not many people can finish their courses and the fact you have is awesome and you should hold your head high.

May I ask, if you had one goal to achieve by the end of the year, what would it be? Curious to know.

My best,

Jay

[Quercus]

Hi Mitch,

Wow! Outpouring of support. That is really lovely to see. Sorry I have been a bit absent.

Swt Potato had some really good points about your body image. Did you end up checking out the thread? I keep worrying about how much emphasis you place on gaining weight. On your height. Do you enjoy going to the gym? For fun?

I hate the gym. Probably because the ex would drive me there and say walk home afterwards you need the exercise. And he would monitor my weight. Only recently have I started enjoying exercise for me. Just to feel good. To play music and relax. To expend angry feelings. If the gym doesn't make you feel good about yourself why do it?

You seem really angry and frustrated at being single. I wonder if you notice that you're self sabotaging again?

You talked about going out with a couple... Who is going to try talk to you if you are angry and ignoring everyone for your phone?

Or the girl in your group who likes you... Whoever told you about her was giving you the easiest set up ever. Find out who and ask her out. You know she'll say yes. You'll have a date for the weekend with someone you are comfortable to talk to. She already knows you're awkward and inexperienced and likes you anyway.

So why have you not asked?!? Self sabotage right there my friend!!

Next time you start worrying about not having anything to offer anyone consider this... Is that really your choice to make? Isn't it up to a partner to decide what they like about you?

Can I ask if you will go back and read your whole thread? All of it. It is a facinating read. I've noticed you ignore a lot of questions Mitch 😊. Seriously... Check it out.

That's ok. You choose what makes you comfortable. But it is interesting. You change topics. Direct the conversation elsewhere. You're smart so the topics are interesting... We forget to notice you haven't answered the question. But it's self sabotage. I realised for all the posts I don't really know much about you.

You have many people who have made it very clear they value what you have to say. Want to know more. Find you interesting and worth knowing. But you answer what you choose to and haven't really let anyone in to know you.

I can't help but wonder if you do that offline too?

Oh dear. I'm really hoping this doesn't make you angry. But the mum in me says you need a kick in the butt. Self sabotage! You're doing it too. Stressless gave me my kick in the butt earlier today....

Your turn now. Sorry in advance 😊

Nat

[HamSolo01]

Hey all.

Nat you might be onto something there. The self sabotage is something I have noticed i do. But that is part of social anxiety i guess. I just accept it for what it is. In a lot of ways I dont care because the more i care i the more i have found it harder to deal with. I just leave it alone.

In relation to that girl? well for a start she's only 18. I dont really feel comfortable doing that. Just a thing i have. She's younger than my sister for gods sake. Her older (i think older) sister is the one i was talking to a little bit. But i found it hard. It's just really hard to try to be in the moment. Considering i wasn't really keen on going at all i think i did a good enough job.

But i cant date at the moment because im not happy with where i am at. I struggle to enter pre established groups. But i just dont care anymore tbh. I am content with myself and doing my own thing even if it bugs me. I go when im invited because its the only way i will improve.

Uni is nearly done and people are stand off ish. Always have been. I have friends from uni which is good. Ones that i share stuff with. So i count my blessings.

I guess i always twist the conversation as a form of aversion. Because i dont like my reality? if that makes sense.

And i dont know for sure if she likes me and i dont really care. Things always end up apeshit anyway. Potentially ruining friendships.

The reality is the only thing i have to offer anyone is depression and anxiety. They are not fun. When i have no money and no proper sense of purpose other than "degree" im really not rated high enough on the scale. But i gues i am actually starting to accept that. And i a basically just using the freedom i have at the moment for the next month to enjoy myself. I will worry about work after i finish uni.

I have my assessment centre day next wednesday. Need to be well rested for that.

I go to the gym to.maintain a baseline fitness. Its good for mental health. If i dont go my arms turn to beanpoles and i hate the look. I used to be very skinny but hated it. Thats why i go. Going is better than not going basically.

tbh nat you havent upset me, but you've made me think. That isnt a bad thing. Its just uncomfortable.

I have noticed i do it a lot.. steering the conversation that is. I think i must do it in real life. I blame my dad lol.. lawyer..

i think i will find a gf one day.. just need to graduate and get on a bit in life.

[HamSolo01]

really not feeling good right now

[Quercus]

Hi Mitch,

Sorry I made you feel uncomfortable. I wasn't trying to. Was just trying to shake you out of comments like this...

The reality is the only thing i have to offer anyone is depression and anxiety

You know thats complete BS right?

Jay and James and Swtpotato and I don't keep writing because we feel sorry for you... We write because you have interesting things to say.

We want to know more. Because you have plenty to offer others. You just can't see that right now... your self view is warped. Bloody depression. You're ok.

How are you holding up? What are your plans to self care till this passes?

Nat

[HamSolo01]

hey nat

i just dont feel like i have anything to offer...

i don't really have self esteem tbh.. more like a self-push mechanism that occasionally works

I am also sick of people... i need more friends or new ones but it's just hard because people must categorise me into a certain type of person

i avoided potential calamity by organising to see episode 8 of star wars already with a friend whom i have been speaking to about it for ages.. last year i missed out on seeing rogue one because i was apathetic and sure enough found out the friend who i saw other movies with didn't invite me.. i'm not on people's radar basically..

i hate that.. because it feels like i dont matter

this is usually when i start to get suicidal and upset... but then i just remember that suicide isn't really a solution to anything and it's also a way out that can't be undone.. plus the damage it will have on my family (specifically mum, dad and sister) is way too much to think about..

it's more like i would be "better off" dead as oppossed to want to be dead.. if that makes sense? that's usually the case.. but then other times it can get a bit much and i actually start thinking of wanting to die... but that's suicidal ideation i guess isn't it ?

I have struggled to go to the gym today and all this past week. I am trying to go tomorrow but I honestly just feel so lethargic and done with things. I haven't got an appetite either. Food puts me off. That's not normal for me.

My meds have increased a bit and I think this might be effecting my hunger I don't know?

I'm getting so desperate that I kind of just don't care anymore..

I still feel alone in all of this..

[Quercus]

Hi Mitch,

This stood out....

I haven't got an appetite either. Food puts me off. That's not normal for me.

"Not normal for me" is one of my warning signs. Time to go see the doc or psychiatrist and be blunt. No appetite. No energy. Not sure what's going on but it isn't normal for me. Have you got an appointment soon?

i'm not on people's radar basically.. i hate that.. because it feels like i dont matter

Yeah I pretty much wrote the same on my thread this week (psychiatrist that I see every week called me someone else). I got the kick in the butt I needed to get out of the pity party but I get it.

I read somewhere that we try so bloody hard to build self esteem and then we get exhausted and crash. I understood that. The book recommended to not try so hard to change just to aim to accept what is. Part of me felt it's a load of BS but the other that has slowly been trying to accept my many many flaws feels there might be something to it. What do you think?

By the way ... it doesn't help but hubby is always reminding me people are inherently self absorbed. So where you feel like you're invisible they probably are just too caught up in their "stuff" to even realise how it impacts you. Doesn't help I know but I like to remind myself it isn't purposeful. And that they probably do care... They're just having a "me" moment. And that's ok. We're all human huh.

Do you find the SI creeps in when you're past exhausted? I do. On those days I alter my safety plan. Skip the distractions and either sleep or choose something that takes zero energy. Do you think maybe you're pushing yourself too hard? Yes the gym is healthy but not when you're exhausted. Would you consider swimming laps or just going for a walk? It is ok to have times when you're just shattered and want to sleep. If it keeps up it's a worry but everyone crashes now and then I think.

I hope you enjoy seeing your movie when it comes out. I'd try comment but seeing as I thought Chewbacca's name was Julie my opinion is worth squat 😊.

Take good care of yourself please.

Nat