I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[swtpotato]

hey mitch,

I've been following a little bit, I think I get the general gist of what's going on. I'd like to get to know you more and help out 🙂

Sounds like you've had a dip lasting a few days - getting worse by the weekend. It's exhausting, frustrating, confusing -- but you have gotten out of it many times before, and like others have said, have improved a lot over the time you've been here.

Do you like the group therapy you go to? What are the things that have helped you from it (feel free not to answer no worries).

Also, a lighter question, any thoughts on the new star wars movie trailer ?? (i'm sure you have plenty 😉 )

I enjoyed how much passion you have for those sorts of things. Question.. as a kid/young teen, were you really into pop culture/movies, tv? If so, what were you most into?

m

[HamSolo01]

Jay I haven't really spoken about this at length with my psych or with the group. I don't see the psych that regularly because it costs too much (150ish) and I have used up the MHCP rebates for the year. I have no form of income at the moment so basically I'm just trudging along and it makes me depressed. I keep feeling like I should be contributing and doing something for myself but then my anxiety just gets me all worried and hyped up over nothing. That's what happened over the weekend even when I had something planned. I was just nervous. It's because I can't fake it til I make it. I just hate that. I hate ego and I hate fakeness. It has to be real or else I'm not living my life. The irony is that I am not anyways... I think I will go "nowhere" if I don't do something about it. That's what I mean when I say I am going nowhere. Because I look at all the opportunities that have come my way over the past couple of years and just keep remembering what psychologists have told me about how my mental health will "ruin my life and hold me back". It's so incredibly frustrating. I have an essay due tomorrow which I made some progress on yesterday so that's good. Something to work with at least. I also want to make a start on another one due in 2 weeks. It's hard to find motivation to do any of that work when I am depressed and feeling like I am wasting away. I hate everything about myself. I just want to escape this body and move into a new one. One that isn't tall. One that isn't as easily noticeable. People feel like they can just comment on this stuff. Being called lanky and "lurch" is not fun let me tell you. I struggle with my body image as a result. I can't demand everyone around me not call me things because people never respond well to being told not to call someone something. I'm trying to put on muscle and weight but it seems like I just lose it. End up getting skinny and I always get a bad headache after I go to the gym but I still go anyway because if I don't then I end up worse off in the long run.

See how depressed I am at my own situation? It truly sucks.

This is why I feel like a loser. I always think about what other people must be saying about me. I would say it about me. I am embarrassed. I have group therapy this arvo so that might be good idk. It's hard when they are all older than me though. I thought it might be a good way to meet people dealing with similar but then they are all older than me. Makes it hard to talk about deep stuff....

[HamSolo01]

Nat going around in circles is definitely just part of having a mental illness. What makes it worse however is when you know that it is happening and you don't what to do to stop it.

I think I am trying to fight my Mental Illness tbh. It's because I feel like I shouldn't have it. I have it good in life by comparison. So why am I like this? It really annoys me. I think it's partly genetic tbh. Essentially yes, we do just have to manage it and I guess I have been a bit better at that lately.

"If i could fix the circumstances in my life then I would be better". I feel like that is a mantra I have been trying to instill in my own life and it really doesn't work does it? But I guess when we are really depressed we start to sort of lash out at the world and this includes ourselves. We want to fix "things" in our life. I want to earn money and have self respect. I want to enjoy my 20s. I am 4 years into them and I have very little to go with. 6 years left and I have every reason to fear the future because I feel like my depression is holding me back (anxiety as well).

I can't seem to see it. You are right Nat, I really can't. I don't believe I ever will. Perhaps that's just how it is? The reality is I will always find someone who is better off than I am. Always find someone who is happier. Saturday night was annoying, seeing my old school friend smooch up with his new gf while I just sat there on my phone. Prior to that I managed to last a couple of hours with the two of them. Felt like 3rd wheeling but I just stopped caring after a while. I really did end up caring. So I left. It was part of a bigger group of people and I tried to make conversation with the people there. But it was hard given that they were younger than I am. The girl I sat next to was cute and I tried talking to her but I just had no conception of pride or self respect. My friend was saying that apparently someone in the group is keen on me.. but I kept thinking about how I have no job and am pretty much going nowhere (similar to what happened last year with that date I was on). I start trying to improve how I look but I don't really do it to impress women or anything because I know I can't do that (given how crap my life is atm). I guess I do it for self respect. Pride and ego just don't exist in my life - how could they?

I actually don't think I am doing fine. I have next to no money in the bank and am about to graduate. I am setting myself up for failure.

Thanks for your help though 🙂

[HamSolo01]

James I really like the analogy of the gym.

The way I add weight? So lately I have been trying to go regularly (3 times a week) but that has proven difficult with different things happening and my moods screwing me up, sleeping patterns buggering up. Not being able to eat enough in the morning because I am not hungry also prevents me going to the gym, because I get woozy if I don't enough. I need the energy. Sometimes I have headaches when I wake up as well. They can get worse after I go to the gym. I look at photos of myself and hate how tall I am. I actually do hate it tbh. It's just annoying. It means I have to work twice as hard as the average male in order to put on weight. I look like a cuck...

Anyways, I add weight when I can lift 40 reps (or similar depending on the exercise). For instance, I do the bench press (currently at 20kg) and I will be increasing that today actually to 25 probably. Because I can do 40 reps with that with not too much trouble. Lately I just needed to boost my attendance as it dropped off a bit back 3 weeks ago.

This analogy is good though because it actually gets me thinking about how my mind is essentially the same. Basically it needs to be the same. I can't expect my mind to be able to "lift" or "tolerate" stronger experiences without preparation and building on what is there already.

I guess I have been doing a lot of "mental exercise" lately. So in theory I have actually improved my mind's muscles. Never really think of it that way so that's good.

I probably sound like a gym junkie but I'm really not. I am just trying to figure it out. I go for mental health at the end of the day. Nothing more. I have no ego so it's like I don't care. It's good though because I listen to podcasts when I am there - intellectually stimulating things. Sam Harris has a really good podcast actually. I find it's good to concentrate on actually. I hate the music they play at the gym... there are other songs than the top 40 on the charts. I swear everyone listens to that because everyone else does too... pathetic lol.

Anyway, your analogy got me thinking which was good. Thanks for that 🙂

I am planning on going to the gym shortly after writing up these so I guess I will be thinking of it that way too.

[HamSolo01]

swtpotato thanks for your encouragement 🙂

The group therapy has given me some perspective on my mental health. I don't think it's pure coincidence that the majority of the group are males actually. There seems to be a problem with that in our society. I'm guessing it has something to do with the perception that mental health is feminised (which in some cases it can be) but then it's not accurate to say that it is 'feminised', it's just that it is emotional in nature. Emotions are more commonly associated with women. I hate the phrase 'toxic masculinity' because what that actually refers to has nothing to do with masculinity and EVERYTHING to do with a toxic attitude towards the self, society and reality too I suppose. It's toxic. Women deal with it too... all it tells me is that it has nothing to do with masculinity or femininity (which are time and context dependent anyway). Sorry I had to rant there lol.

Haha, yes I have many thoughts on the new star wars trailer. I already secured a spot with a friend and his group of uni friends to see it with. Last year I ended up seeing Rogue One on my own (Which was bittersweet) but then I saw it three times and one time was with a friend anyway. But yeh, I guess it reminds me of how I have had a bit of a problem with some people as I've grown up.. Then again Rogue One has a coming of age archetype to it (given that jyn erso basically has to grow up and fight for a cause that doesn't directly effect her) so it was good timing hey? lol.

I think Rey will go to the "dark side" or maybe even the "grey side" in episode 8. Leia may die as well, omg did you see that bit where Kylo Ren is about to launch a missile? wtf lol... And then Rey is there with Snoke.. who by the way has some mad eyebrows.. have a look next time haha. The fight between Phasma and Finn looks awesome as well. So much stuff to soak up. The fight on Crait (the planet with the barron landscape and red dust) looks like it will be intense af as well. I'm really pumped haha. What did you make of it?

As a kid I really like star wars (evidently). I also really liked Lego. My sister used to buy me it as a joke present haha. This year I asked her not to though and I ended up getting money which I put towards an xbox one (figured it was time to move away from pc because it is less nerdy haha) Got Fifa18 which is really fun. And I want to get star wars battlefront 2 as well. I had a nintendo 64 and ps2 as a kid. Were you into games that much as a kid?

🙂

[swtpotato]

Hey mitch,

You have put a lot of thought into your replies, I appreciate it.

A lot of what you have said resonates with me very strongly. I think I understand where you are coming from, as much as I can as a totally different person with only your posts to go on of course...

"It's because I can't fake it til I make it. I just hate that. I hate ego and I hate fakeness. It has to be real or else I'm not living my life."

I feel exactly the same. I think when you are depressed, or have this certain kind of social anxiety - you have a different part of the brain contributing to conscious thought. The one that can see the underlying meaning and insecurities driving some people's interactions. Do you feel like you can 'feel' the fakeness, or when someone is being disingenuous? This obviously makes it hard to interact with others. Are you over-aware of when you yourself are being 'fake'?

I have a different perspective to this now I've recovered a bit. I am able to put on persona's now rather than be my vulnerable self all of the time. The persona's aren't fake, they are just an exaggeration of certain qualities I possess in order to play with the social interaction and make it more interesting/enjoyable. I don't feel fake anymore, it feels more like I am expressing another side of myself, which is just as authentic as my core emotional self. I think depression makes these other parts of you less accessible, but they still exist and are just another mode of interaction and connection with others.

I still can tell if people are being actually fake, and I just avoid those people. If they don't also open their vulnerable side to others, or acknowledge it in any way, they are not worth my time.

I have a lot to say about what you have written so I'll write multiple posts, hope you appreciate my rants...

m

[swtpotato]

following on---->

"I just want to escape this body and move into a new one."

I definitely hear you on this. Is this something you have felt for as long as you can remember? Or has it fluctuated or intensified at a certain age?

I would recommend checking out the body image thread on the staying well section. I wrote something on there, I basically felt what you have felt, but also kinda the opposite (too small).

You sound very distressed about everything happening at the moment - particularly about how you don't believe you have the 'right' to feel depressed about it all. Is this a significant thing you struggle with ? (everyone does, but I am asking if you think it is like a key issue you may think about more than others).

Even though you have written a lot of negative things, like an uncontrollable compulsion, can't say something positive without dismissing it in the next sentence right? I don't believe that's 'you' speaking, I think it is the depression speaking 'through' you. Not something to try and stop, just something to be aware of. But you've also got a few positives in there:

• Looking forward to group therapy. It sounds like overall it's been really helpful 🙂
• Managing to make it to the gym regularly. This is really hard! Well done!
• Recognising the mental exercises you've been doing and how that strengthens your resilience
• Understand your own interests, dislikes etc. shows you are passionate and have a sense of who you are (something I notice, simply because I used to think I had no personality/opinions/interests = worth nothing, when I actually did at the time I just didn't count any of it)
• Your whole post to me

Which I'll comment on now...

Mental health and toxic masculinity: I like your observation about it having nothing to do with masculinity at all. It's a good way to re-conceptualise it. It would help men to stop identifying with it just because it's 'masculine'. I agree emotions are mostly associated with women. But when we do express our emotions 'too much' people tend to perceive us as 'little girls' who need protection, and they become quite condescending. It goes for both genders: this idea that we cannot be emotional and vulnerable, and display agency and integrity at the same time. Which we certainly can. I think being vulnerable actually strengthens your agency and integrity - as you show acceptance of your faults, confront them, and become an agent of your WHOLE self, not just the strong/confident parts. (oh ran out of words)

[swtpotato]

more rants!

Also I am a fan of rants so rant all you like and I'll rant back.

It does seem like rey will try see what it's like on the other side. I guess the second in each trilogy has to be pretty dark and a little demoralising for the good guys right? So it may all change in the 3rd movie. That's why I think it might be likely that Leia will die, but idk... to show that in the trailer? Maybe they want people to think that but then he won't do it. Something bad will happen to her though I think, she can't be in the 3rd movie as carrie fisher isn't around (so sad I'm going to read her autobiography sounds like a very tough interesting life).

Maybe kylo ren and rey will switch places? like copying elements from the 6th movie. Actually... that might be a reason he DOES kill his mum, just so it doesn't predictably follow darth vader's redemption arc by refusing to kill luke. hmm. But the rey with snoke scene looks fun. I hope they don't over-exaggerate her abilities though, she does need SOME training at least in order to be better than literally anyone. But yeah it's an exciting trailer, I can be very cynical about movies if I care too much about what they do with the characters/plot just because I know I'll be disappointed as I overthink it and they usually go for the plot that will entertain the lowest common denominator (but also not really I'm just preparing myself to be disappointed so I'll enjoy it more!).

I like how you know all the minor characters and the places in the star wars world. It must make it so much more interesting/exciting to watch when you know all the little details!

I used to play ps2-4 as a kid but not seriously at all and only because my brother played. I love the star war games as you get to be so powerful they have more interesting moves than the movies aha. I mostly just played black ops zombies badly with a friend every now and then.

I was more into tv shows e.g. game of thrones, doctor who, and firefly (love love love, which I had kind of forgotten about).

hope your studying is going well...I should get back into mine and stop procrastinating

m

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

Thanks for your reply to me, the insight was quite good and I read your responses to everyone as well. I don't know if I have ever said it but you articulate very well. Very good trait to have.

We all know mental health is just a constant cycle and we forever feel like we are going round and round in it, we take a small step out of the cycle and feel we might on your stable ground soon only to swept back up into the cycle going round and round until we can reach another foot out onto the ground to try and get some stability in our life. Silly analogy but it is one way you can look at the mental health cycle.

I understand the costs involved are a lot but have you been back to your GP to discuss what other options you have since you cannot afford the full fee currently due to your working status?

Has anything come up about the jobs you were looking at? Prehaps the one your dad set up with someone in politics if I remember correctly?

I know it is so cliché but you have to try and not let your situation define you as a person, it never should. I just wish I had the answer for you that would help ease your situation. All I know is that when you thinking positive, it can be so powerful and I have seen when you have an understanding and grip on everything that you seem more energetic and know you can battle this.

My best,

Jay

[james1]

Hey mitch,

Glad to hear the analogy helped you think about mental health a little bit differently 🙂

I'm similar to you actually. I really struggle to put on weight. I used to row and I'd eat about 10 weetbixes with milk and fruit and nuts for breakfast. Then a sandwich and sausage roll for recess. A pie and foccacia for lunch. And dinner was always my biggest meal. After 2 years of doing that, I went from 55 to 58kg.

Just for funsies, I kept up the same diet when I stopped rowing and you'd think that with the reduced exercise, my weight would go up. No. It went down to 56kg.

So I think I'm perpetually stuck in the 56-58kg zone, lol. Literally nothing I do to my diet or exercise habits has changed that.

Oh I have an xbox one too! I still play skyrim on it and recently picked up dragon age inquisition, but kinda not feeling it. I've had the various xbox's since they came out and I used to always play halo with one of my friends. I'm pretty sure we played through one of the campaign levels at least 20 times. I kinda miss that life, lol. nothing like chilling on a couch with a friend on the xbox 🙂