I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

Wow, was a little shocked to come on here and read this from you but this is mental health 101... as much as it can bring us up, it can bring us down just as quick and I am sorry you find yourself in this situation again. I want to firstly point out that you haven't dragged us down anywhere. We are here to support you during the good and bad times, simple as that. Why is it that this triggered all these feelings but, that is the part I am struggling to understand, why do you think that being tall somehow means you are a player and "cool"? Is it because those guys on the train asked you? You feel how you feel and that is ok but one thing I think you have learnt from this mental health is that you do know how to bounce back and pick yourself up from these low feelings. I am glad you rang Lifeline, that is exactly what it is there for and even happier you told your mum.

I can say it 1000 times and 1000 times more, you are not a loser at all. Like james1 I will be a little blunt and please know it is coming from a good place, you let your situation bring you down and you let your situation define you as a person, you always fall back on the being a virgin and not having money as a reason to fall back down under these dark clouds. You are so much better than the situation you paint of yourself in your mind. The point is your situation will and can always change, especially for the better and every day you need to work on that. Go back and read some posts from last week that you wrote, you were in a clearer head space and like I have said before, when you are in this clear head space literally I think you can achieve anything.

We all just want to see you happy.

Please, speak to us, let us know how we can continue helping.

My best,

Jay

[james1]

Hey mitch,

Quick one from me.

Good work calling lifeline and for telling your mother as well. That's exactly what you needed to do - reach out, get help, be open about your troubles. We all have our insecurities and deficiencies and perceived failures. We understand.

As Nat and Jay have both alluded to, situations can really affect our emotional state. You had a bad experience with the guys on the train which hit your insecurities. Go find a good experience to help you out of it.

We are both only just now getting into our mid-20's. We don't have a bank of good experiences to rely on as a way of knowing who we are and what we have achieved. 50 years later? Yeah maybe we'll know then.

Until then, we will be making mistakes, insecure and totally not a "proper" adult. Most likely faking stuff as we go along. It's a pain when people, including ourselves, expect more. But nobody is entitled to decide whether we are doing enough or not, except for us.

Life's a bitch, as they say, but it's the only one we've got and when we look at it properly, there's a lot of pretty good times as well.

James

[HamSolo01]

So i wrote out a whole message and stiwched tabs and now its gone.. not happy..

Anyway. Guess i can straight to it now.

I went on a date to dinner and movies on saturday with that girl. Was alright. We seemed to get along well. Neither of us really liked the film.

But on sunday she said she wasnt really keen on anything more than friendship. To be honest neither am i. I am just sick of loneliness and feeling unwanted by girls. I hate it because i get to know one close enough and then i must do something to shun them off. Its like as soon as they get to know me better then they just want to be friends. Everytime this has happened. I am done with relationships. Everyone else can seem to have one and be happy and then i cant. And dont try to tell me otherwise because the record shows EXACTLY what i have described. I must give off a certain vibe or something i dunno. Im alone and always will be.

I hate all this mental health stuff and thats what i told them on the phone to lifeline yesterday. Im sick of meds, therapy.. you name it. Its made no difference.

I didnt go to laser tag yesterday because i was too depressed. And im not faking it til i make it.. because i have been doing that for 5 years. Its silly. Plus i dont wanna hang around that group as they are too young for my liking.. younger than my sister and i feel weird doing that.

So there you have it. My current situation.

I dont care about much anymore.

I just dunno what to do.

I am tempted to just focus on my health. Try to get back to the gym (been off because i was sick), eat right and sleep better. But right now i dont care for that either. I am planning on meeting a friend for dinner so hopefully that might help and i can chat to her about stuff.

Btw i have to solve my depression if i want a girlfriend. Thats obvious. Because i dont look depressed, i dress reasonable and can socialise - the notion that i am depressed does not sit well with people so maybe thats why they leave? Idk to be honest. Its okay for girls to be depressed but not guys it seems. Must be an evolutionary thing. I think it will change for me though. Once i know whats going on next year and im not in limbo.

I did say this to her also, that idk what im doing next year and such. I dont wanna lead her on, because thats happened to me and its the worst. But i guess its just gonna happen until i sort out my sense of self and have confidence in my own ability. Because i really dont at this point.

[HamSolo01]

Continued:

I hate all this mental health stuff and thats what i told them on the phone to lifeline yesterday. Im sick of meds, therapy.. you name it. Its made no difference.
I didnt go to laser tag yesterday because i was too depressed. And im not faking it til i make it.. because i have been doing that for 5 years. Its silly. Plus i dont wanna hang around that group as they are too young for my liking.. younger than my sister and i feel weird doing that.
So there you have it. My current situation.
I dont care about much anymore.
I just dunno what to do.
I am tempted to just focus on my health. Try to get back to the gym (been off because i was sick), eat right and sleep better. But right now i dont care for that either. I am planning on meeting a friend for dinner so hopefully that might help and i can chat to her about stuff.
Btw i have to solve my depression if i want a girlfriend. Thats obvious. Because i dont look depressed, i dress reasonable and can socialise - the notion that i am depressed does not sit well with people so maybe thats why they leave? Idk to be honest. Its okay for girls to be depressed but not guys it seems. Must be an evolutionary thing. I think it will change for me though. Once i know whats going on next year and im not in limbo.
I did say this to her also, that idk what im doing next year and such. I dont wanna lead her on, because thats happened to me and its the worst. But i guess its just gonna happen until i sort out my sense of self and have confidence in my own ability. Because i really dont at this point. I think i know i have the ability, its just not being matched with results or anything like that.

so today i am at home again and i am planning on going to the gym in an hour or so, coming home to start study for friday's exam. I dont want to do any of that because i am really depressed but i guess its just a continuation of the mundane that i do. I think i am bored but i am also depressed and i dont care about changing the fact i am bored. Video games are a sanctuary when i feel crap so i think i might just do that. Until new year where i found out what i am doing with my life.

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

It does seem like when the girl said she just wanted to be friends it triggered your mental health alarm to go off, I know you don't want me to dispute the whole friend thing, but I feel I have too, For all my late teen years and early 20's, exactly the age you were at now, I was always just the friend, I was always the sweet guy but just a good friend to have in your corner... I can 100% say that it can change because you will meet that person that won't see you that way. I continually comment to you because I have been in your spot on a girls level, I was there in my early 20's just like you are, so I like to think I understand your situation and try to tell you, that you are not the only one who has gone through this and everyone see's you in a negative light. You simply haven't met the right one yet and you are still so young and I know in your head you feel you should have because everyone around you is happy and with someone. Don't forget you do not know what is happening behind closed doors with those happy people either, they may look at you and think how easy you have it. Point I am trying to make is yes it sucks, but again this is not your situation for life, this is your current situation but you cannot let it define you as a label as you are so much better than this and again like I have said before when you are at 100%, you are unstoppable. You are very intelligent as well and I know it all counts to your overall personality.

It's ok that you didn't go to laser tag, how did that dinner go with your friend? Did you get some more stuff off your chest? We are all sicks of the meds and the constant drain that is mental health but you have come so far from where you were, don't let this take you back over. It's ok to take a break for the daily fight against it but remember to get back up and keep fighting because you can get through this.

My best,

Jay

[HamSolo01]

Hi jay

Thanks for your help. I always remind myself of that small yet important fact.. that this is not my situation forever. Thats a really important part to get a hold of. Also to remember there are plenty of fish in the sea.

I think its a case of diet, sleep and exercise now. Just need to get those 3 things in order. I have an exam firday so thats gonna be tough. But bearable.

Hd to postpone dinner with the friend because she was sick.

Went to the gym and managed to get on track. Gonna try to go each day for about 30mins. New routine im testing to put on muscle because of my body type. But also just to do something physically good for myself.

I need to go to bed now though. Good night

[Quercus]

Hi Mitch,

Jay is right. You haven't met the right one yet. We are all weird (anyone who says otherwise is a liar). Every single one of us has problems. And yet we do manage to find love regardless.

I always tell hubby he is just "my kind of weird". And it's true. He is paranoid AF. Took me ages to get used to the fort knox that is our home. OCD about cleaning. Antisocial. This is just him. And I am crazy about him anyway. You will find this one day. Someone who sees the problems and shrugs because the positives shine stronger to them. And no that's not a BS platitude. It is fact.

I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned but the 20s suck. Teens are ok. 30s are good. But 20s are crap. The hardest part is the lack of responsibility.

Now I get depressed and want to just lay in bed... But can't. I have kids to care for. It forces you to move. But in my 20s.... A whole other deal. I remember laying on my bed staring at the ceiling and feeling awful and there was nothing to force me to move.

There is the expectation of FUN. And ACTIVE and SUCCESS and so so much bloody pressure and fear and doubt about everything most especially where you fit in the world. By 30 that changed. I have changed. I just don't care what the expectations are anymore. What matters is the people I love. That's it.

I'm starting to learn this is my life and if that means I want to slow down and do what I want to do then so what? What is the worst that can happen? I've decided I don't want to end my life. It is hard to care about social media and society's rules when you think I tried living by that and it made me want to die. So stuff it.

Again Jay is spot on. It takes time. At 22 I was destroyed, guarded, naive, desperate for approval from others... At 32 I'm broken but rebuilding myself how I want to be. I am very guarded but I have learnt to let people I trust in. And I am desperate for approval... But only from myself and the people whose opinion matters to me. These changes took time.

You are in the middle of the crap part. It will not be like this forever.

Want a visual of your worth? Reach out to others on here. Try writing to others and see how they respond to you. It is an eyeopener. I feel like a worthless excuse for a human being deep down inside most days. But others write back and say... I needed that. I appreciated that. It feels so bloody good and makes you see that you do have something to offer others.

You will be ok. Doesn't feel like it but hold on please.

[james1]

Hey mitch,

Jay and Nat have said pretty much all I wanted to say.

The only thing I wanted to add was that I'm seeing you do something that many of us, especially me, can fall into the trap of doing. (Cue: "It's a trap!")

It's the "all or nothing" way of thinking and puts a false dichotomy in our heads. At the moment, it sounds like there's a dichotomy in your mind that goes: other people always succeed in relationships; I never succeed in relationships.

Phrases such as "every time", "never", "always"...they do not help you pick yourself back up.

It simply is not true that all other people succeed in relationships. I am a testament to that. I have had two 'failed' relationships where I f'ed up. Jay and Nat have shared similar stories about their disjointed 20's.

If you're done with relationships for now, that's a perfectly fine option. I always joke with one of my friends that dating is literally the worst thing in the world. We both say that if our current relationships don't work (since relationships are never perfect and we always have that thought in the back of our minds of, what if?) then there'd be no way in hell we'd go back to that dating phase.

Dating. Totally. Sucks.

But when we meet the right person, it almost seems worth it.

James

[HamSolo01]

hey all

so i got news today that i wont be doing the govt graduate program. The irony? Its kinda nice to say that. It means im not locked into a heavy contract yet. It means i have time to enjoy my 20s. It gives me a chance to travel and look at the world. It was something i was worried about but i dont need to now.

nat what you said really helped thanks 🙂 its something i have needed to hear from someone else. I have always maintained that i need to be the one to set the standard and the goal and the precint for my life. But to hear it from someone else just about confirms it. Reaching out to others is something i do on the SANE forum and it does help yeh.

james you are onto something there.. im happy being single. It means i can keep my options open. Free to interact with anyone (dare i say flirt lol).

One of the greatest consolations is that my present scenario will not be the case forever. It never has been. History is an example.

So here i am now. Its my life and its my freedom. Bounded only by imagination and attitude. In a way missing out is a blessing.

I guess im okay with it. Its been a crazy year.

think i will visit the US in the new year.. need a holiday.. with the money from grandparents. Thats gonna be a fun conversation lol.

i have an exam at weeks end and an essay in 2 weeks.

I have a few fears for the moment like ending up on the dole and such. But in the short term its not a concern. I just feel guilty for soaking up resources and all that but i guess again its okay because it wont be forever.

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

You see, this attitude of yours is an unstoppable one, just looking forward and thinking a positive light. You really can achieve anything and I am glad you saw the positive of not getting into the graduate role, I think if it was a few months ago you may have reacted negatively to it but this is a testament to how far you have actually come in your battle against mental health. Great work. I like the part where you want to travel to the US, that would be such a good experience for you I think, a chance to get out and meet new people as well.

I know you are afraid of the dole but end of the day it is there for people who need it and if you do, then so be it. You are clearly working towards bigger things so do not feel like a drain on resources.

My best,

Jay