I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[Quercus]

Hey HamSolo01,

You're welcome. It helps me too. And I've been there (in my 20s feeling like a failure and depressed) so sometimes you say things and I'm like yep been there it sucks.

Ok. So a new psych. Thats good. If you don't feel comfortable you won't let her help you so keep trying. I have no idea how it works to find one who doesn't practise religion I suppose the doc will have more knowledge on that. On the other side you seem ok talking to us online so maybe it's more you need to find one who won't push ideas onto you and will accept your right to feel differently. I think most professionals should be like that but religion is a difficult subject I suppose because it does shape how you feel about certain things professional or not.

But also keep in mind the idea of going back to the old psych in the meantime. He didn't sound great but you seemed comfortable to talk openly to him and he knows your story so while you look at least you have someone to talk to. What do you think about this?

In my view relationships and sex will continue to be a trigger and probably get worse if you're not even trying to meet someone. You mentioned online stuff. Are you going to give it a try? I just find one of your common themes is frustration at yourself for letting time pass without acting. So what is the harm in talking online? Meet some new people? Maybe you'll be surprised to find someone and even if not you'll probably make some new friends. At least you can say you are helping yourself.

The support groups sound like a really good idea. Maybe contact them again and ask? If nothing comes up look into a group activity some sort of class maybe that gets you out enjoying yourself and meeting people. Local libraries have heaps of free courses they run. Hubby just went to a free beekeeping one.

Anyway I am thinking of you and hoping you can keep trying. And I'll be here growling quietly in my mum like overprotective way when you make threads like yesterday. Come on HamSolo01 we can do this yeah. Small steps. Little changes and if it all goes to pot we pick ourselves up and keep trying.

[HamSolo01]

the gp visit was useful

he told me about a local psych who had good reviews and feedback. He is younger too which i think will help. Whether he is religious or not? who knows. I feel better about it already and thats all that matters. I think its more important i speak with a male about the sex stuff because i can find it awkward otherwise. If he is religious then so be it? but the point is i feel comfortable talking to a male about it. Thats all that matters really. Part of his approach is apparently goal setting etc so here is a chance to set some up hey?

Today has been a good day. Im slowly figuring out my post uni options and ive narrowed it down a tad. Sounds bold i know, but im thinking of going overseas to do postgrad. Set myself up and become totally independent. Ive contacted a tutor i had this semester and im getting some tips about how to find out more.

I think a move out of home to a new place will give me a sense of control and freedom. Im very independent but i just struggle with self esteem. My anxiety/depression stems a lot from feeling like im out of control of my life. My mum reckons its a good idea. Maybe even melbourne could work as we have family there who could help me get work.

A lot of this comes back to embracing myself and who i am. I have started doing this and it helps. Gradual exposure to things will help too. Once i really accept myself then it works out. There have been times in the past wherecsuch things come about. Lately im unstable because im actually dealing with the problem.. because im shattering the mirrors around me that reflect negativity..

How? accepting them. Thats how you deal with it. You accept it. And then you move into new opportunities. By and large i am doing this. Im making progress and i can see it. In really small ways It all counts.

The group sessions must be starting soon too. Got a call today from them for the initial assessment. If i get in then itll be good 🙂

I did some reading on reddit last night about relationships and virginity. It seems as if its attractive to hold on to your virginity if you are a guy (attractive to the right girls that is) so Im moving forward in that area too.

In terms of meeting new people and online dating etc i guess im making progress. Downloaded some apps which ive had moderate success with in the past. The trick will be not to obsess over it. Baby steps really.

Overall i feel okay. Gradually accepting things and making plans.

[HamSolo01]

I think too that by accepting all this i can start to figure out how things are not all that bad.

My friend told me last week i was cool when i was out at vivid. So that was good. Tbh i felt like it went well so its nice to see. I have a few meetup groups on the radar too including art and reading and videogames. Took a friend out for his bday and shouted him lunch yesterday and we were talking about this stuff and how some of our mutual friends just dont get it.

Again more impotus for doing the funrun.

i think im gonna make a list of all the things i got going for me tonight. Or tomorrow. Just reflect on my life as a whole.

Anyways better leave it there. Shops are closing now lol

[HamSolo01]

for some reason my last post hasn't got through and i sent it over 2 hours ago..

really annoyed by that because i had some good stuff in it. Ah well. What you gotta do..

Basically more of the same really. Looking forward to seeing where this psych will go. I have still got my appointment booked this week so i will probably go to it. I have this new one in my back pocket so i will definitely use it when i have to. Soon I reckon.

Slowly it feels as if things are piecing together. One step at a time i guess hey?

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

I know Quercus is doing a great job replying to you and you respond really well to them, I do hope my posts are helping in some way, I am here purely for support and I read all of your posts and try to add value where I can so I do apologise if my advice isn't great.

You seem to be doing well again which is great, I like that you have the new psych in the back pocket as well, having options I think is great on your journey to recovery. I was taken back a bit by one thing you said and that was about moving out of home, I think that is another great idea of yours. Moving out and getting that real freedom can really be liberating, I know it can be tough financially but it is worth it long term because of how independent you become even though you already see yourself as independent. Moving overseas would be awesome, I would love to do it personally so if you could do it, that would be amazing.

Regarding the religious stuff, I personally have religious beliefs which I keep to myself of course, I don't find putting them onto other people helps me or the other person. I can see it has caused you a lot of heartache and understand completely your reasoning for not wanting a religious based psychologist as well.

How did the list of things you have going for you, go tonight? Hopefully it was filled up.

My best,

Jay

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01 (and you too Jay),

How are you doing today? Are the positive feelings from yesterday still going strong? I like the recent posts from both of you.

Jay is right your Mum makes a lot of sense. Smart woman. I'm not sure why I didn't pick up on that you lived at home ... I'm sorry.

Leaving home is an important step of being an adult. Part of accepting you are free to feel how you want to and are truly independent and have the right to do what you want and to learn who you are for yourself.

My sister told me once it is really difficult to feel comfortable putting yourself out there in a relationship if it's under the eyes of your family.

And then there is the part about judgement. As a woman... meeting a man who lives at home is a concern. When I met my husband he had moved back home while he sorted out buying a home of his own. Once this was explained to me I understood but my initial response when he said he lived at home was to back off.

Maybe it's just me but I would find that more of a concern than lack of sexual experience. You are 23 so it's not a big deal but that said I think your Mum is right. You need to be independent. Learn to have to cope with life on your own. It sounds harsh but living on your own and paying your own bills and making your own way in the world is a vital step because it is hard work. But it also teaches you that you're a lot stronger than you thought you were.

The biggest thing I learnt when I left the ex, finished uni and moved out by myself is that I am not my parents. I am not my partner. I have likes and dislikes and strengths and weaknesses and choices and responses that are all mine and noone elses.

It was scary but liberating to realise I am an unique human being and that I can make my own decisions just for me. I think this will be a really good thing for you too.

What do you think about this? I don't even think overseas is necessary just renting your own place is a massive achievement and shows you respect yourself as an adult independent of your parents. Paying your own bills and budgeting is a good feeling too.

[HamSolo01]

Hey.

Thanks to both of you for replies 🙂

Today is running okay so far. Went to gym and then got my meds topped up. Ran into a mutual friend while I was drinking my coffee at the bakery I go to afterwards. Was a good chance to work on my improv conversation skill. I think i lead myself to believe im not that great at it.. thats where it goes downhill. I even saw the dude there and called him out by name. Was shocked by my assertiveness lol. The tempting thought is to think to myself "well if i could do that then why couldn't i have gone up to that girl at uni in the lecture" but thats a seperate thing entirely.. foolish to be retrospective like that. Requiring different skills too. Baby steps yet again.

in regards to moving out? there are 2 options.. either i get a graduate program in canberra and take it up or i do other stuff. Postgrad overseas seems like a good option. The reality is that what i study is arbitrary and i havent really got expertise... just a really well developed ability to argue and write. So it seems like postgrad would be a great option. Overseas because the postgrad opportunities are very average here.. less competitive overseas.. and i can reset the grid if i go overseas too. Guess this could be the case with melbourne too hey? Either way i wont be staying in sydney for that long. Too costly and im not gonna run myself into the ground and make myself worse.

Family friend has offered up experience at his company so that'll help. Build up my skill and confidence to be able to progress into new opportunities. Baby steps yet again. Ill be part timing with uni so its a chance to build up skill prior to graduation.

Will be back in an hour to fill out more, just gotta shower up after gym haha

[HamSolo01]

Back

thing is that I have the skills and abilities to live on my own - no trouble there

At the moment it is the financial side of things. I can see that I am getting closer to that level of functioning so that's good.

I think this goes back to the whole 'comparing myself to other people my age' thing that I tend to do a lot of. Making age the factor in those comparisons is rather silly. But I mean so many of the things we do are silly aren't they? Over time it is going. So long as I am on the right track with my mental health I see everything else as slowly coming together. So glad that I postponed study and will be going back next semester. Best choice this year dare I say.

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

I think it's great that you got that person's attention.. the assertiveness I think is stemming from the fact you are slowly gaining confidence in yourself. I can see it in your writing so I think it is slowly coming out, baby steps as you said, you will work the confidence to speak to that girl at uni or any girl really... I don't think it ever gets easier to speak to the opposite sex in my opinion but with time you just build a confidence and that's what helps.

I like the idea of studying or working abroad, the experience you will gain will be priceless. It is great that a family friend is also giving you some experience as well, that is like gold these days and I think that will give you such an advantage going forward.

Regarding the financial issues of moving out, it is true and there is no hiding from it, but all it means is you have to live within your means and budget accordingly. The independence is so great however.

My best,

Jay

[HamSolo01]

hey all

at the moment im feeling pretty low

its good i could identify what it was that has brought it on (finding out that i may not get to do that volunteering thing) has annoyed me. I just get sick of rejection letters.

Psych was okay today. I do feel like ive made progress, its just at times i feel like im leading myself on. I dunno i guess.. just depression and anxiety in a nutshell i guess right?

i think i need to focus this next week on uni. I have an essay to finish and an exam to prepare for. They must be the focus. I might also apply for a tutoring gig insaw advertised on the jobs list through uni. That's something i have exp with so it wont require new skill. And ill also need to get on top of uber. So thats 3 or 4 things for the week ahead.

I think the REAL reason i feel bad right now as i type this is is a combo of tiredness and low moods that come from feeling like ive failed. I know i havent failed but as im sure yous are aware.. we can feel differently to what we know.

I need to try to stop worrying about my image and attractiveness. Went over this a bit today with psych but not too much. Might book in to see new psych next week too. Goal setting would be good.

But yeah right now im gonna read my book, tune out from the world, eat dinner and go to bed early. Got gym early morning tomorrow which will be help. I find its a good oultet for depression and anxiety. Progress is progress. And i must stop worrying about "wasted time". Too often i rip into myself about how i couldve found new friends and got work experience, got laid, travelled etc.. but all this time there has been nothing. Problem is that its not accurate for starters.. and its also my own life we are talking about here. Thats all. Bo one else's. I will do my own thing at my own pace.

This pain i feel at the moment is temporary.

Just gotta ride this one out. And remember the good things. Hard as it may be to see them, they are there.