I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

How did your appointment go? How are you today?

I guess it makes sense that your religious learning bothers you. Because I find when I'm depressed or anxious I go back to what I learned early in life... To be quiet. To appease and perform and be a moderator regardless of how I feel. Does that make any sense. Probably not. My mind is all over the place today.

I hope you can try and push through your anxiety and speak to the female psych first before going to a new psych. I think you might find her responses useful. I feel uncomfortable talking to my psychiatrist about sexual issues but his responses have been very useful. A completely different way of looking at the situation because he is male. Worthwhile taking the risk and pushing myself to speak.

Anyway hope you are ok today. Take care and keep those little steps happening.

[Quercus]

Hey HamSolo01,

Just popping in to see if you're ok? How'd your appointment go?

Just have to share this with you....

I really hope it gives you even the slightest measure of hope.

Yesterday I took my ferals for icecream after swimming lessons and the only spot outside was next to a couple who were on a date. Unavoidable not to eavesdrop even though I tried not to.

It was quite possibly the most awkward yet gorgeous date I have ever witnessed. He had the worst anxiety I have ever seen. Wouldn't make eye contact with her. Mumbled. One word answers. Painfully shy. And she stuck it out. Patient. Endless patience!

Kept catching his attention when a person walked by and freaked him out. Kept trying new topics till she struck gold and he felt comfortable enough to open up. I cheered in my head 😊.

By the time we left they were happily chatting away. It was pretty clear to anyone she was smitten.

As we left I gave her a smile. She blushed and gave me a massive smile in return. Then pointed out my kids covered head to toe with icecream to him and he laughed.

My point. There is hope. There are women out there with patience. You just haven't met her yet 😊

Hope you are feeling ok today.

[HamSolo01]

hey

my appointment was good because we spoke about the importance of accepting myself and actually realising that having mental illness is just "the way it is". Rather try to fix it, or get rid of it, or fight it I just need to accept it for what it is and move on in life. I must stop expecting to be able to fix EVERYTHING at once. There are basically 3 things I always need to have in mind. Make sure I'm on the right track, give myself more credit and go easy on myself. I really don't know why I'm so hard on myself but it's just making the entire process worse. A large part of me still wouldn't accept my mental health for what it was. I think this was born out of fear or out of something like it. Possibly even realising that if I accepted it then that would mean I was on way to getting functional and better again. I think I kind of wanted to avoid that or else I would feel more regretful about not having done it sooner. So often it plagues my mind about how life is going to be hard and that means less chance to enjoy youth. I feel (Still) that I've wasted my time on nothing at all. But I guess that's the demon of mental illness right? Things could've been so much worse really.

So many of my depressive episodes are normally brought on when I look over the past few years and think "I've achieved nothing and I'm still poor, why did I pick my degree, I'm wasting time etc etc etc".

Focusing on the past gets one nowhere. It's literally THAT simple. I guess the path forward now is just taking more and more things into consideration. Focus on the immediate needs for my mental health and give myself room to practice what I've worked on during CBT.

I think the next step is to find things to do to take up my time. I'm considering (strongly) signing up with Uber. Just to earn some extra cash. Money is making me nervous. So I need to get onto that. Also going to extend my tutoring sessions into 2 hours. Justify it by saying exams are around the corner. I'm trying to look for work as well but I think it may still be too soon. That's the logic of volunteering I guess isn't it?

continued below..

[HamSolo01]

oh hey haha, didn't even realise that you had posted that... I'll continue my response and then respond to your new comment

The relationships thing still bugs me (and it comes from the whole "focusing too much on the past" thing too). I'm planning on going to a few new meetups (reading and tabletop games) over the next couple of weeks. Last Friday I went to vivid as a friend invited me. Was hard because I thought would be 5th wheeling but I actually got past a big hurdle in my mind that was plaguing me. Basically I thought "either go and be a 5th wheel and just embrace the hell out of that OR stay home and get one step closer to agoraphobia". When I looked at it like that I was able to kind of see that I'm not at an agoraphobic stage and that is a VERY good thing. So I pushed myself and went along. Luckily i wasnt 5th wheeling as some other friend was there too so it shattered that whole thing. But it didn't make the experience "less hard" if you know what I mean. But I stuck it out (in the cold too haha) and had a reasonable time. My friend is really good because she has depression and helps me with stuff which is good. I know the people vaguely well too so that's nice to be able to kinda catch up and see where things are at.

I had to knock back a job offer at a bookshop in the city too - I applied for that before I dropped to part time. Couldn't even call the people back. Went over it with my psych, problem was I got way too confused and lost over how to be a "normal" human again. My thoughts go into overdrive and it spirals. I catastrophise about it still (even though its old news), but I must remember that there are always going to be opportunities. Just a case of managing my thoughts and moods and then being able to see them. There is plenty of opportunity. Just a matter of keeping an eye out for it. Back into a solid routine with gym as well. Was worried I was losing weight but it's just a case of putting more weight on the bars I guess haha. Sleep is improving somewhat and I'm working things out. Going to run in a funrun in july too. Raise money for a mental health charity I've been involved with in the past. Should be a good way to raise awareness but also tell people that what I have is serious and not just a weird thing.

still more to come haha, got a lot to say

[HamSolo01]

And your story made me smile. I feel like that would be me haha. In a weird sense I think that girl was probably smitten by him because he was being honest enough to show that he was shy but still trying. THAT gives me hope. He wasn't putting on a show like most guys do. I think once I really begin to accept my mental health for what it is then I can improve my self-esteem. Things will always be in a state of "could be better" so it's about time I accepted that and focused on whatever was next. Maybe I will find a nice girl via uber haha? Imagine that. THAT would make me laugh. Actually, part of the reason I want to do uber is to work on my conversational ability. Generally it's not something I struggle with, but when I have conversations there are MILLIONS of thoughts in the back of my mind about how I'm screwing up. This is a way out of that I think.

I actually realised I kinda asked a girl out back in march. Not a date at all. Not into her that way. But it was basically asking someone to do something when I barely knew them. Helped by the fact I know her through a depression help site. Funny old world isn't it? Nothing romantic there though.

I think this is what happened to me last year on that tinder date I went on too btw. I was just really nervous because it was the first date I'd been on. We had a lot in common too, but it still seemed awkward for me. I remember I actually told her from the outset that I had mental health trouble and she was understanding. I think she respected that about me. But hey, it's the past now and I learned from it. (See how I reflect positively on it now? different hey?)But then again i was also kinda surprised because she looked different. She probably thought the same about me too I guess haha.

Considering going back onto online dating. I feel like that's the best way I can be honest and also work on my self-esteem. But I'll go out a few more times in the next weeks and develop my skills. I will get there I can see it.

I hope that date those two were on was successful haha. You can't help but smile when you see things like that. People who aren't afraid to be real. I think this is a strength I have. Being real. Once I accept it in myself then it will become reality. If all those times i have seen a girl look at me in "certain" way count for anything then I don't think I need to worry about how I look. Just about how I view myself hey? But anyway. As I said, baby steps at this point.

thanks again for your help 🙂

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

Caught up on your last few replies to Quercus... seeing a lot more positivity coming through your posts now.. I feel the counsellor is doing good things for you which is great to read. Did you end up going back to your GP and seeing if you could see a male psychologist or are you sticking it out with this current one? They do honestly seem to be helping.

I like the idea of Uber driving, I know people who have done it and they love it, one guy was friendly and got a girls number haha, so I guess you never know that you might meet someone doing it. Online dating may be an option as you said to look at again, this day and age, most people meet online and I love it because you can be yourself without the awkwardness of a first date which can make you shy, makes me shy and I found it a lot easier to speak to girls I met online than in person cause I would go into a shell and not be myself. I like that you are challenging yourself to go out as well, I am a big believer in throwing yourself into the deep end and just adjusting, generally you're better off for it.

How was your weekend been anyway?

My best,

Jay

[Quercus]

Hey HamSolo01,

It's great to see you in a good place. The psych really seems to help you. Have you considered scheduling appointments more often?

I like the idea of taking things slowly. Just one step at a time. I'm working on self esteem at the moment. Just focusing on one thing at a time I suppose to avoid being overwhelmed.

Good for you getting out with friends. It is great to hear you're not agoraphobic but I agree just got to keep talking to people and practising. Uber sounds like a good idea. Short conversations and again practise 😊.

I'm with Jay (pro online dating) met my husband that way actually even though we'd probably passed eachother every days for years at uni (our schools were right next to eachother haha). Just be careful. Hubby and I talked online for months and then texted. I was so guarded and not sure I wanted to meet anyone but he was patient and I was a goner 😊. I think Jay is right if you get to know them first over time it makes it a lot less nervewracking when you meet.

Anyway I'm glad to hear you are in a good place right now. Hope you keep taking the psychs advice and taking it slowly and taking care of yourself.

[james1]

Hey Mitch,

I loved reading those little stories of yours, haha. It's nice to sometimes reflect on things that go well because we can forget that we are doing lots of good stuff.

I'm an excellent third wheeler. It's something I've just gotten used to and I totally embrace the fact that it's a couple + me, haha. I even went travelling for a month as a third wheel!

I met the girl I'm currently seeing online. Not tinder, but one of the other ones. And it was after a darn long time of having half-relationships or just being rejected outright. But yeah, each one's a learning experience and the biggest thing is just to remember to relax and have fun. I try to take one little bit of my weirdness in so it's not too strange, but by letting down my guard in that way, it just breaks the awkwardness a little bit 🙂

Baby steps for sure, but that's all we need.

James

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

Right well now that I've given myself the kick in the butt I needed and got myself back to breathing space and staying safe it's time to say the hard stuff. Sorry in advance but it needs to be said.

I just saw your other thread. About giving yourself till the new year to make changes. What has happened today? I understand you are in pain. You are lost. And down. And sick of the mood swings. But giving yourself ultimatums is not helpful to you.

You're back down again. It sucks. I know. I've clawed my way back out of it today too. And I hate this feeling. I hate feeling out of control and hopeless and helpless. But it will pass. We just keep trying.

I took a huge reality check today. Realised that even if I wasn't depressed my life is going to be crap a lot of the time. That's just part of my circumstances (small kids and immune disease). Funny thing is though I realised I'm ok with that if I can just stop wanting to die all the time. Went from big expectations and feeling good to settling for not wanting to die.

My point is you are expecting massive changes of yourself. Setting time frames. Being so hard on yourself. Yep I could be talking about myself there too. But we undermine ourselves doing stuff like that. We set ourselves up to feel like failures. But that's the depression speaking. You are worthwhile. You're not a failure.

We've got to try be realistic and set goals that can happen and time frames that make sense. For example accepting that depression and anxiety are conditions we'll have to learn to manage over years.

What is an achievable goal that will help you?

How about finding a psych you trust and can talk to?

How about examining your triggers. What are they? What happens in your mind and how can you avoid them or change how you approach them?

I'm worried about you HamSolo01.

Please try be gentle to yourself.

[HamSolo01]

hey

thanks again for sticking out for me. Appreciate it.

About 5 mins after posting that i booked in to see my gp today and im going to explicitly say that i want a non religious psychologist.

People keep saying that religion shouldn't be allowed to influence psychology... but in my experience this is a very naive attitude. I've been too negatively effected by religion in order to risk having a therapist who believes it. I tried raising the issue of religion and its effects on me with the new psych and she dismissed my concerns out of hand. That really fustrated me. Plus i cant talk about these things with a woman psych anyway. Too awkward. Especially if she's gonna get offended.

Hopefully the GP knows what to do. But if he is clueless (he's contracted by the medical centre i go to) then screw that. I'll have to go back to the family gp i hate and start over. Tbh i dont care really. I just want a bloody psych who knows what they are doing and wont try to subtly throw religion in with what they are saying.

Im beginning to identify my triggers and its helping. Sex and relationships is a big one. And this is due to religion i think. In fact it has to be.

You mentioned in previous posta that you were religious? that's okay because this is a forum to express ideas over what works and doesn't work and to share strategies. Don't think i won't listen to you because of your religion. I value people and not their religion. Thats the best approach i find. But for the purposes of my therapy i need to talk about this and having a religious psych wont help.

I also want to try group therapy. I enquired with acap about it but i havent heard anything back.. its a numbers thing. So im now back into looking for that. Any ideas? specifically youth based ones? I will raise this with the gp. But again if he is clueless, then i am out of that place and going back to the family gp. Might even give headspace a call and see if they can help. They are an intervention model and not so much a continuing treatment option but they may know. Could even ring where i used to work at.

Thanks again quercus

will keep you posted