I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[HamSolo01]

Hey

Yeah yesterday was a bad day no doubt. Started out bad too. Having said that, it's usually the bad days that make me see what's really going on. It might be a heightened sense of urgency that shows through on a bad day that makes me catastrophise? But then again I can't help but think that it's somewhat true. I feel like days where I'm okay or relatively good are the result of me deluding myself into thinking it's all okay. And I hate that because it feels like that's what has been going on for the past 4 years anyway.

You are absolutely right about finding out about her being religious and that it might put me on the defensive. The reason religion upsets me is it screwed me up on a subconscious level throughout high school. Constantly feeling guilty for feeling and saying certain things. Thinking that I would go to hell if I didn't accept all of the bible etc etc.. The list goes on. I went to a religious school (even though my family were not religious, they sent me there because it was a good school. I maintain it was average, it wasn't THAT good but they were easily impressed). All the way through high school that poisoned my sense of self and sense of self acceptance. Now I can wholeheartedly say that it's all garbage. I believe none of it. I don't need an ancient book written by illiterate shepherds to tell me I'm a worthwhile human being. THIS is basically what it took to believe all of that. I'm not interested in any of it. My concern is that she will try to convert me back or try to tell me what I was taught wasn't "real" or "true"... I've been there done that. They all say that the other person is wrong or untrue... None of them know anything lol.

To be honest, I feel like my experience with religion is to blame for a lot of my issues of self-worth and self-esteem. It could also be why i obsess over relationships and sex. They were always big on sexual morality. I remember freaking out about this stuff and seeing the biblical counsellor for help and he would always judge me and tell me i was being sinful.  I just feel like I need to talk about it freely with a psych so I can get that 'chestnut' out of the way. But if she is religious herself then it's going to be like I offend her. I'm considering seeing a second one already. I raised this with my mum and she said to be careful because i dont want to offend her (typical mum, always worried about others lol). But it's my appointment ffs..

[HamSolo01]

Two posts today lol

Volunteer work etc is good yes. I must always remember that I'm taking small steps in the correct direction and as a result I'm making progress.

The sense of urgency i have is weird. I'm beginning to feel like I'm fixing myself for someone else (religion again right?) and not just so that I can be happy and fulfilled in my own life. You know I think I am somewhat. It's just a matter of finding it at a deeper level.

Indeed. There is nothing wrong with being introverted. Someone once told me that the tall, reasonably good looking guy who was shy was hot hahaha. I'll gladly take that role up if that's the case haha. That's basically what I am. Thing is I need to own it. I've mentioned in the past that I've seen girls (generally just people as well) looking at me and I think initially i took that the wrong way. As a kid I always felt like people were looking at me and judging me... but they were just looking... doesn't mean they were judging..Perhaps this is also something that impacts me from childhood coupled with religion?

I'm not sure and this is why I want to ask my psych. I tried raising it last week but she pretty much denied it from the outset without letting me explain. I pressed her though, and got my explanation out. Then it became that weird dichotomy all religious people put forward where it's "this is what society says and its bad" vs "this is what I think and it's good because it matches religion" and is therefore better. Problem is I don't like either lol.

I've found that lately having a sense of humour about things helps as well. It takes the edge off. Plus it releases endorphins.

Yes, I had to knock back that job offer but so what right? That's how it is. Big deal. I also applied for it a month ago when things were different so yeah.. must remember this. Back then I was still fulltime uni. I had a hospital visit as well.. gee whiz..

You are right yes 🙂 I need to pay more attention to things that are going on which help me too I think. Again.. pay myself more credit. People do speak to me about this and want to help. It's just a matter of remembering it.

I spoke to someone on the online counselling with beyondblue the other day about that religion stuff too. They said maybe try calling mensline to see if they can help with getting a psych etc. Might as well give them a ring later today.

Thanks again Quercus. You are really helping me with all this 🙂 Thanks again 🙂

*fist bump*

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

​I'm glad talking here is helping you even a little. How has your day been? Are you ok?

I'm a bit confused about the religion stuff you talked about. Your school sounds incredibly forceful and strict. I have faith even though my parents refused to let us do religious education or take us to church. I asked to go to a catholic high school and my experience was very very different from yours. A lot more acceptance and room for grey areas. I thought I'd better tell you that in case you find talking to me uncomfortable?

I've found holding on to blame and anger is unhelpful. I am angry all the time at myself for being weak and at my ex for what he did. I'm not quite sure how to move forward but I do know blaming him and being angry doesn't help me feel better. It was an experience. I can't change what happened but I can choose to learn from my experience and start fresh. Same with you. You can accept your own beliefs now and act as you think and feel is right for you.

Oh and there's nothing wrong with wanting to be better for someone else. Even within a relationship that doesn't fade. Even after so many years of marriage I still want to impress my husband. It's a good feeling to feel wanted and loved. But you're also right that it should also be about what you want.

I wonder if you can think about accepting that there isn't a need to 'fix' yourself. You bring this up a lot. Everyone has faults. My hubby is a cleanliness fan and bossy. Would like me to mop the floor twice daily. Can't cope with mess. At all. If I'm energetic it's annoying, if I'm tired it makes me angry. But I wouldn't change him. He is how he is and I love him. We find a compromise. My point is .... Yes you need to manage your mental condition but also consider that when someone cares strongly for you they will focus on your good points and accept the things that frustrate them as part of 'you'.

Anyway I need to sleep. Take care of yourself HamSolo01.

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

I haven't been on the forums recently but caught up with reading a bulk of your last few posts... had a couple of days a few days ago and once again came out of it... A theme I have noticed in your posts, when you have bad days... you don't ignore them the following day.. you justify why they were a bad day and think about everything in a more rational frame of mind which I think is a great skill... you may not see it as a skill but many people would just shove the bad days under the carpet and never think about them again, but you almost think them through which is great.

I understand everything you are saying about religion and what not. I imagine it would be hard to find a psych without religious beliefs but mensline may be able to help, even the Beyond Blue helpline or online chat may also help with finding another psych if that's the route you 100% want to take.

One thing I read in some of your posts and that you don't think you're worth it and that you should be all find by now.. unfortunately there is no time frame for getting better, it is a journey and I know it sounds cliché but it is. Think about the people who need help and never ever ask for it, you are and that is the best thing... mark it as an achievement... you know you want to get better... others tend to hold onto it and never seek the help they deserve... you are... you are worth it and owe it to yourself.

Hopefully last couple of days have been better for you.

My best,

Jay

[HamSolo01]

Hey guys

the past week has been very up and down. I'm just sick of feeling like this day in day out. It honestly does feel like im going nowhere in life. Im still quite angry with my parents. I cant actually explain why. But i am. I think i feel like they are to blame because none of this would've been happening had i been raised right. I feel like ive had my social growth stunted or i havent developed the social skills required at my age. Age is a big thing that seems to be coming up as well. I feel like at age 23 i should be enjoying life. Im really not. I hate it. I have no money and i have lost more friends than i have gained them. Im alone most of the time apart from family and they are starting to annoy me. I keep seeing everyone around me enjoying themselves and having the time of their life and yet im here sulking like a little kid. Its sad. Whats worse is i have no idea what to do to fix it. It feels like im going in circles. I keep trying to do new things, put in effort to find work and make new connections but its failing. I think i hate everything and everyone. Im just not happy. Im just bored with feeling this bad all the time and i can't figure out what to do. No one has any idea. I fail socially and just about everywhere else as well. It feels like im wasting my mind and my youth. I could've set up a good career by now but instead im just sad and unhappy all the time. I hate how everyone around me is hapoy and seems to be figuring things out. Im just lost and sad all the time.

I even get to a point where i question my diagnosis. Im so over all of this crap.

On the better days, i only am able to look back over the bad days and question why it was bad when i feel like it has any worth. I dont think it does tbh. Maybe i just look back over things anyway regardless. At the heart of it i just dont care. I really dont. Im just going through the motions to see if it will help. I dont think it will tbh. Im just a lonesome, friend losing, introverted, unmanly, virginised loser who wont go anywhere in life and will always hate himself. Its been that way so far why would it change? 4 years has done nothing. People just abandon me and dont give a crap.. im clearly nlt worth people's time.

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

​No. You're not a waste of time. You're not a loser that is the depression talking!

Time to go to your psychiatrist and show him the post and be honest about how low you feel. And ask for a medication review.

I'm worried about you. You need to take care of yourself please.

I'm not in a good place right now am changing meds. I'll write whenever I can ok.

You're not alone HamSolo01 and there are people who care about you and want you to feel well.

Just small steps. One day at a time. And hospital if needed. But seriously are your meds helping?

Please take care of yourself

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

You are definitely not a loser... as Quercus said, that is the depression talking. You are stronger than this mental beast... I call it a beast because it is so hard to overcome. You are worth it and you think you're not worth peoples time but look at all the people who have responded to your post, especially Quercus... we care about your well being and just want the best for you. I am glad you find the forums safe to vent in, I truly think it helps. I know you are angry at your parents but this is where you need them the most I feel.

May I ask, do you speak to your psych or have you spoken to your psych about all those feelings in your last post, that you feel you are going no where, I'd be interested to hear there response to it all. I know its dark at the moment but believe me the light is there. You will get through this.

Side note: Quercus, I hope you are doing ok, I know you said you are not in a good place, please get better, these forums are much better when you are posting.

My best,

Jay

[HamSolo01]

Hey

thanks again for your concern 🙂

He said no amount of meds will help if my thinking is out of whack (or words to that effect)

I'm off to the psych tomorrow. Round 2. Will see how it goes I guess.

Thanks again and I hope you are going well with your med changes

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

Firstly, thank you Jay that was a nice feeling seeing your comment. I will be ok and will get back online once I'm stable. And thanks HamSolo01 for your thoughts because they echo some of the things in my head and responding to you helps me too.

Changing your outlook and the way you think? Ok that's a good idea in theory but if your moods are all over the place it's very hard to even put one foot in front of the other let alone expend the energy on changing yourself.

I'd get a second opinion to be honest. You said you worry about your diagnosis... would another viewpoint hurt? Maybe discuss this with the psych and get her feedback too. And maybe your GP?

Maybe consider letting your psychiatrist see your thread. Are you as open to him as you are here? Look at your thread... Your moods are all over the place. It doesn't seem unreasonable to me to feel that these mood changes are not right. Especially given that you are on medication. What do you think? What do your family think in terms of your mood?

Take care and I hope tomorrow's visit to the psych is helpful to you. Please keep venting and writing if it helps you.

[HamSolo01]

Hey

I plan on going today to the psych and I will raise it with her - the up down moods thing. Sometimes I worry I could be bipolar... but then I dunno if my lows and highs are totally sporadic or if they are brought on by good strategies that I have learned? Hard to tell really. Especially when you yourself are the primary source of info, it means your biases can influence what's interpreted.

I might book into the GP at some point next week and ask him to put me onto a male psychologist - just to check if it will be different. The religion thing really pesters me tbh. It's silly to blame every problem in my life on religion's influence in my formative years but then I can't help it. I really despise it. (btw that has no bearing on your advice even if you yourself are religious). My mum said it should make no difference and she is right... but it does in a very subtle way. You can tell this by what some psychologists say in regards to meaning and values. Kind of like what I was talking about before. It also means I can't talk to her about certain male related stuff if you catch my drift. It's just awkward. So I should probably get onto that ASAP actually...

Tbh I don't really think that's the source of the problem though. I think the source of the problem is deeper. That's what I want to tackle today. Spoke to a friend of mine who has bipolar about that stuff yesterday too so that was helpful.

You are right about the moods thing though. I think I will bring it up in today's appointment.

Thanks again 🙂