I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[HamSolo01]

i jynxed myself..

feeling really crap but its 12am so i think bedtime is in order

[james1]

Just popping by to say I hope you got decent sleep and send you a gentle reminder that just as some days are bad, some days are good. Being in either, makes us forget about the other. So I like to pace myself. Relish the good times, but don't over do it. Understand the bad times, but not dwell in it.

Harder to do than say, but it's what I aim for anyway 🙂

James

[HamSolo01]

hey

yeh i got an alright sleep - i try to aim for 8 hours but only ever get 6-7. Better than nothing thought right?

I'm off to the gym this morning because I haven't been all week so I don't expect to be able to do much lol. Need to work on my ass and core haha.

Also psych this arvo and i plan on tackling this relationship/sex/romance/whatever else it's called thing head on. It's literally the only way I see any improvement. Enough is enough.

It has been causing a hell of a lot of crap in my life lately. Easily the one thing on the mind that triggers any thoughts of suicide or depression. On top of that there are other things too, but i feel like this is a key part of it. It's a massive chunk of it all really. I've taken notes on my phone too so I can refer to them.

Laters

[Quercus]

Hey HamSolo01,

At least you're learning to accept the MI and work with it. I think wanting to 'fight' it and wishing it away is unrealistic.

Like my autoimmune disease I can wish all I want that it went away miraculously and I could go back to 'normal'. But that just makes me angry and scared and upset. Or I can try accept I am the way I am. I need to manage my health and find ways to work around my limitations. Some days that works. Some days not. But fighting it is exhausting.

Part time study sounds good. When do you hear about the volunteer position? Are you trying to get out and enjoy yourself? Easy advice to give but hard to actually put into practise. I'm in that position currently too. Kind of adrift and lacking direction. Sigh.

Anyway I hope today is a good day and you have plans for the weekend. Take care.

[HamSolo01]

hey

yeah accepting it is fundamental. Went over this today with my psych.

Literally everything from these forumsvcame up. Jut have to accept it and make room for it. Must stop being harsh on myself. Itll take time

Im on way to a mental health seminar now actually. Friend of mine set ut up whom i met on a help site for depression. Should be interesting

i remember lyrics from a song by Coldplay called "What If"

"lets take a breath try tobpull it aside

thats right, how can you know it if you dont even try..

every step that you take could be your mistake...

it could bend or it could break..

but thats the risk you take..."

i feel like this sums up my position at the moment. Just take a breath and try accepting it all. Funny how music can do this.

[Quercus]

Hey HamSolo01,

Good to hear we were steering you in the right direction then 😊. This psych seems like a better fot for you than the old one.

The seminar sounds good. I never thought of something like that but far out you'll be in a room of people who get what you're going through. I hope you manage to strike up some interesting conversations!

Yeah music says it all huh. Neater than I ever could. My favourite is Jon Bellion (I've told so many people noone seems to know him). His lyrics speak in a way that just works when I'm lost.

Anyway I have to get ready for work. Sigh. Ah well. Have a good weekend.

[HamSolo01]

Yeah and I've only had like 3 appointments so far.

It's beginning to dawn on me that its possible to manage all this.

The seminar/forum was helpful. It was run by a catholic community group who are all artists. The friend i had invited me because i met her through this other help website for depression.

Met 2 people which was good. Even just introducing myself was a challenge but i managed to.

They had some good content over psychotherapy, science of the brain and stuff. It was kinda given a religious twinge because of it being catholic which i kinda didnt like but i expected it. The choir was good, even if what they sing is something i dont agree with lol.

Point is that it topped off a day which was good for my mental health. I'm seeing things a bit clearer now tbh. Have a bit more perspective on what i gotta do to take care of myself. Its a case of executing it.

There's a point at which the questioning of myself has to stop and i simply accept it for what it is.

Which ive done in the past, but not to the extent that i go easy on myself.

Just need to lay off haha.

I need to take up some sort of hobbies. But do so at a gradual pace without throwing myself in the deep end. That's the problem ive been having and thats whats prevented me from improving at all really.

What an intense month it has been.

[HamSolo01]

Past two days have been really tough

It just feels like I'm wasting all this time and I could actually BE better rather than GETTING better. But I guess it's a process?

I must be one of those people who worry when things are not happening. Guilt tripping myself into feeling like I'm not doing anything important.

At the moment it feels like I'm going nowhere with my degree. Even though I've reduced to part time study, it's still bugging me because it feels like I'm not going to have anything to show for it. I guess it's a good thing that I now have time to figure that out over the next 6 months while studying part time (and hopefully doing that airport thing if i get it).

At the moment I feel like money is a big problem. I want independence but then I can't work because of my anxiety levels and depression. Yet. I think I'll get to that level eventually. But in the mean time working on boosting my CV is probably the best thing.

I need to balance not knowing where i'll end up with my degree with my anxiety over not knowing where I'll end up. I guess no degree guarantees work after you graduate. But then with something so general - like what i've studied - it's even worse. This is when I begin to feel depressed and upset and sometimes suicidal. It's good that I'm able to identify the thought chain and where it starts though I guess. The same can be said for relationships/dating and the same can also be said for friendships. I'm not 100% isolated so that's good. It just feels like I could be doing more or something. I guess that's the nature of the anxiety.

If i was to compile a list of things I should be doing and another list of things I want to be doing, then the latter will be longer.

I should be: Exercising regularly (on track to make it 3-4 times a week at gym), eating right (even enough is problematic at times but that's changing slightly), meds (no problems there), sleeping right and better (trying to cut technology out at least 1 hour before sleep but it's proving hard).

I want: To do all the stuff I should be doing and more. I want more money, I want more friends, I want success, I want security, I want my anxiety to go away, I want to finally get a gf, I want to be happier and I want to smile and laugh more.

It's just tough at the moment because I go one place in life and all this crap just triggers my negative thinking. But that's the nature of it I guess? Just need to manage it and also remember what I DO have not what I DON'T have.

[HamSolo01]

Not gonna lie.. i hate myself at the moment

I hate so many things about me. I feel like i dont deserve any of the things that are happening. I feel like im going to fail in life just generally. Im just going to be filed with regret. I already regret my teenage years. I regret uni and i regret every decision ive made. I havent enjoyed my life and ive just been moping about... im actually just sick of it. I really am. No one cares and no one does. Im just a burden on people. I want to be independent but i cant be because of my stupid mental health.

Had a golden opportunity the other day to get a job but i couldnt even ring them back.... can you even believe that? THATS how bad its gotten. All this time i thought i was getting better and now im here at 23 with nothing going for me. Life is just gonna get tougher and tougher. Tougher still. Thats what it is. You gotta find people worth suffering for and i dont have that at all. People just leave and disappear off the face of the planet. Whats worse is i think my new psych is religious... that just annoys me. Im gonna find out this friday if she is and if so im not interested in seeing them again. Religion has done enough damage to me and i dont need my damn psych poisoned by it. Just a circle of tragedy. Im doing all this stuff and nothing changes.

Maybe if i just manned the F up and got over it i'd be better. THAT is the only way anything is gonna change. I dont even understand why i am like this. Just annoying. Then everyone expects im getting better when im not. No one even gives a crap.

My psych was saying i need to give myself some room, but that wont make things better. Things are bad and im over it. But then i cant do anything to change it... the more i try the more i set myself back.. its not counting for anything and there's no point in time where itll get better. Its just gonna be crap forever...

Why do i even bother.

Going to bed now so i hope i feel better tomorrow. Probably wont though

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

​I'm sorry to see you're really hurting today. I hope you can sleep and face tomorrow as a fresh start. Recognise the low day and try again.

One thing you said concerns me. If it is a major problem for you if the psych is religious you need to talk to her about this. If it puts you on the defensive you won't let her help you and that is a problem. Can I ask what is it about religion that upsets you? You were once highly religious you had said. What made that change? Feel free as always to ignore the question.

You also said you wanted to aim for small changes so you don't get overwhelmed but you're making a lot of changes from my view. Volunteer work, new psych, uni, diet, exercise, pushing yourself to socialise.... Do you think some of this despair might be you feeling overwhelmed?

I get a sense of urgency in your posts. What is your most urgent priority? What do you need to focus on to reduce this stress?

Also it keeps striking me... Why do you feel like you have to change yourself? There is nothing wrong with being introverted you can try all you want but no amount of therapy will ever change you to an extrovert. And thats ok! You just need to look at what you are good at and work within your limitations until you gain confidence.

What are you best at? How can you adapt that into paid work? Are there any friends or family that you can ask for work experience just to give you a safe environment to practice. My first job my friend got me at a shop she worked at. We carpooled to work. She was a familiar and safe face who helped me until I found my feet. Sometimes you just need some help. Is there anyone you can ask?

As to noone 'giving a crap' you know that's not true. I might be a stranger but I care. Your family and friends care. Sometimes it's just they have no idea what is happening with you. If they haven't experienced it themselves it is truly impossible to get it. But that doesn't mean they don't care.

Man I could go on and on. Your post is so full of hurt and pain and topics that I could talk about a lot. But it comes down to today is a bad day for you. Be gentle on yourself. Keep safe. Wait it out. You know from experience that it will pass. Little steps HamSolo01.

Remembe ! If you can't see the good in yourself that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. It just means you can't see it today.