I just feel like i have no chance..

HamSolo01 · ‎17-04-2017

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

james1 · ‎07-06-2017

Hey mitch,

Some days are just rubbish man. Today seems to be one of them for you. 😞

Monday was my day of crap, but now it's Wednesday. I'm still exhausted from Monday, but Monday's past.

That said, I get what you mean by feeling like you've lost a lot of time. 4 years is a long time, and feeling like you've missed out on a lot in that time sucks. I've been there too.

My last relationship was 4.5 years and I lost that because I never addressed my mental health issues, despite having had the exact same problem 7 years ago.

But I'm not 100% convinced we don't get anything from these experiences. There's a lot of learning we do and we probably weren't ready to learn it 4 years ago. The same goes for using uni to learn about interacting with different people. You used uni to learn other things. To develop other skills. Possibly even to pave way for this learning now - that some of the things you thought were important, weren't.

But this is all part of the learning curve.

You wouldn't begrudge a child for "learning" that they need to hold hands when crossing the road. We obviously don't do it as adults, but we did as kids. It was useful back then. It made sense back then.

And just the same for the things we learn as we go now.

I'm still learning that I'm not the same person as my mother. And that I'm not the same person as a romantic interest. You'd think this would be common sense, but it's not to me. So I'm trying to learn it now.

You've still got time and you're an intelligent guy. Put bluntly, give yourself a break. You're doing really well to try and change your thinking, and all training will have set-backs. This is one of them, but it will pass, and you'll find a way to get moving again.

James

HamSolo01 · ‎07-06-2017

thanks again

i swear you ought to charge me for your advice haha

i do feel better this arvo i must admit

i posted on the other forum and i think it sums up whats going down.

ill copy it across

HamSolo01 · ‎07-06-2017

i get really angry with myself for not having dealt with my mental health sooner. Thing is i have been, but just not enough or in a way that was conducive to change. It was more like i just kept acknowledging it was there and not trying to dig into it. Im really really really annoyed. But its good that im starting to realise this. My new psych will defs help as i can see that ive already gone a level deeper than i have in the past.Its also why i didnt take the job at the bookstore i applied for lately. I won't function right until i sort this stuff out. I was thinking that getting work would've improved my mental health however today i was presented with the opportunity to ring the people back but I still haven't - nearly put myself into an anxiety attack just thinking about working there. I need to accept my limitations. I must stop listening to garbage and start giving myself credit for achieving things DESPITE my mental health. My circumstances have changed a fair bit since the start of the year. I had two internships lined up and dropped out of 1, ive dropped a student from tutoring because i couldnt set work for them, ive stopped hanging out with people that dont care for me unless im drunk (more correct to say i stopped getting invited because i bailed once when i had an anxiety attack), i have now turned down a job offer and im now going to be back at uni next semester.All of those are great things to do and be involved in if you dont have mental illness. The opportunities they provide are great. They are awesome in fact. It begins to feel like doors are opening. But then reality sets in and i have to cancel stuff. I aim high because im capable of that level but i just cant quite hit it.. its like i miss the bar by a few centimetres.. All that work for nothing. But its all gains. Losses are not the same as missing a gains. If you build a house and forget the roof, youve still got a house. Just add a roof. No reason to knock the whole thing down.I must remember that i did one of those internships (got paid for it), still have 3 students i tutor, hang out with others when i can manage it, will hopefully take up a volunteering role with studynsw in july and ill be back at uni studying things im interested in.Yes, ive cancelled and withdrawn. But in all honesty does it matter? Yes they are opportunites, but they wont do me any good if im not any good deep down.

james1 · ‎07-06-2017

Thanks for sharing that. You're right - it is a good summary of how things are right now for you. Couple of things I loved in your post:

- My new psych will defs help as i can see that ive already gone a level deeper than i have in the past.

Yes! And nothing can ever take away the fact that you have been able to do this. Who knows where it'll lead, but this has been hard, but superb, work to just find out more about yourself.

- i didnt take the job at the bookstore i applied for lately. I won't function right until i sort this stuff out.

I think I said it before, but I am super pleased and impressed that you continue to try and take control back over your life. What you deem to be the right or wrong thing to do...I don't think anyone can judge that because we don't know the future. But you are taking responsibility and control, and that is good.

- Losses are not the same as missing a gains. If you build a house and forget the roof, youve still got a house. Just add a roof. No reason to knock the whole thing down.

Just. Awesome.

Yeah, I don't know how things will go today, tomorrow, next week...but there's still cogs turning in that supercharged brain of yours, and a pulse beating in those veins. And nobody here is going to begrudge you for being human and having a shi*t day every now and then, even if it's more often than not. We just want to help you reach the other side where the good days are more numerous than the bad.

James

JessF · ‎07-06-2017

Hello Ham, it's the nosy neighbour again. I just wanted to make one point before scurrying off again.

I think it's great that you're thinking deeply about what you're ready for and what you're not at this stage. Biting off more than you can chew then failing can really knock your confidence.

That said, I think it's important to remember that if you wait until everything is perfect before taking action, you could be waiting a long time. Putting yourself out there, be it for a job, a relationship, study, all involves a level of risk. It's normal to feel a certain level of anxiety and stress around all these things.

The key is in feeling those butterflies and finding a way to push through anyway. You can reduce the size of the steps you're taking until that fear gets to a level that's not totally overwhelming, but just something that sits there in your gut.

A good friend of mine used to say to me, it shouldn't be "ready aim fire", but "fire aim ready". The first way is all about lining up things perfectly before taking the first step. The second is about taking that first step and adjusting as you go.

HamSolo01 · ‎07-06-2017

Tbh i think a lot of this comes back to owning my circumstances and decisions and mental health.

I've taken about 10 steps forward then 5 steps back so far. That of means 5 steps forward. Less than a year ago i nearly ended my life.

I dont ever expect things to be perfect before going into them, but if im not comfortable with it then im not doing it. Theres a difference between nerves and uncomfortable. i had nerves when meeting new students to tutor, when starting a new class, when doing a speech..

its a level im just not at YET. Its all a process of step by step

BballJ · ‎07-06-2017

Hi HamSolo01,

Wow, seems like today has been a good turn around for you... may I ask what happens that triggers your mood's to change and you begin to re-accept the mental health and journey you are on to recovery, I ask because is there something you do or focus on.. I'd love to hear if there is something cause I could use it or possibly someone who is reading this thread but not posting.

Another great quote from you - "But its all gains. Losses are not the same as missing a gains. If you build a house and forget the roof, you've still got a house. Just add a roof. No reason to knock the whole thing down"

We may need to start another thread full of your great quotes 🙂

One thing I would encourage when you are having the crappy days is go back and read these posts of yours and see that you can turn your days around.

My best,

Jay

blondguy · ‎07-06-2017

Hey HamSolo

I apologise for not posting earlier. I just noticed your post above "Tbh i think a lot of this comes back to owning my circumstances and decisions and mental health"

That took a lot of guts to post and good on you!

I wasted 13 years of my life 'fighting' anxiety because I thought it was the right thing to do, as you have been doing

I was 23 with my first mega anxiety attack (in 1983) and kept trying to 'battle' it until 1996.....it never worked...I just got worse until I understood that I 'had to own it' as you just said......Great stuff HamSolo!

Once you truly 'accept' anxiety the same as a physical illness you will find some peace. My anxiety became that chronic when I working that I saw a counselor every week for 7 months. He helped me help myself give my life back. I still kept working through the anxiety and the counseling but it worked.....really well 🙂

James1, Jay, JessF and others have your back with great advice above Solo (Can I call you Mitch?)

GOOD NEWS! Anxiety symptoms do decrease in severity over time with super regular counseling and if prescribed meds if your quality of life is being effected on a day to day basis.

I also read above a huge compliment you gave to James1....."i swear you ought to charge me for your advice haha"

Now thats a great sense of humor Solo!

Great to have you as part of the Beyond Blue family HamSolo! Great posting too 🙂

my kind thoughts

Paul

Quercus · ‎08-06-2017

Hey HamSolo01,

Wow what a post!

I've taken about 10 steps forward then 5 steps back so far. That of means 5 steps forward. Less than a year ago i nearly ended my life

Look at the things you have achieved!

You've accepted your MI and focused and committed to getting better.

You're actively involved in your treatment. You said yourself you're being honest and open. That takes guts.

You've reached out to family and friends. And on here.

You have started examining your stressors and boundaries and pushing yourself to take the small steps.

You accept the bad days and keep bouncing back and learning and adapting and accepting limits.

You have accepted there is good in you. That you are worthwhile. That on the bad days it's just hard to see so you reach out for help.

All of these things are accomplishments HamSolo01 and worth being very proud of.

How are you feeling today?

HamSolo01 · ‎08-06-2017

To be honest today was alrightI think it's suddenly dawning on me that its actually okay to have mental illness. I base this off of the notion that it is bad enough dealing with MI so why make it worse by catastrophising it? It's bad enough as it is right?

I've finished up with uni for the semester as well so that feels good. Really happy that I've reduced my study load to part time. Feels like that was the best choice to make.

I think I need to try to make these moments in life last longer however. Today I felt more "alive" or "real" than i had for ages. Strange hey?

I don't have much to say today so rather than entertain the demons of mental illness to come by and pull me down I think it's best I leave it there. There'll be plenty more chances in the future I imagine.

Take care 🙂 and hope you are well !