I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

What a great, positive post you last ones was, you said I'm simply in a time of adversity and all I need to do is accept that... that is amazing and I like that you said that... we can all use the quote and I guess relate it to all our mental health struggles. That's one thing to remember here, all of us are here because we suffer from a mental health issue of some kind and having these conversations help us all... you never also know who is reading and doesn't want to post but reads what you write and is relating to you and are taking strength from your posts and what you write so it is great.

You seem to have made heaps of progress and I am sure the new psych will help keep pushing that along. You are who you are and that is just fine... I believe you will slowly start to gain self esteem when you keep accepting your personality and choices and own them and say "this is me and I am happy"

My best,

Jay

[james1]

Hey mitch,

I love that you're trying to embrace what feels right, and not what you feel pressured to do. That's super awesome.

The more you put yourself out there and keep getting up, the more people will take notice. Stick to your guns and that progress will keep on progressing. 🙂

James

[HamSolo01]

Well that was short lived...

Today I feel like I'm kidding myself. All this positive talk feels empty. I can't why this whole relationship business is getting to me so much lately... I really can't.

I think I feel like I'm wasting two things. My youth and my character. I hate social anxiety for what it has done to me and I hate depression as well. I really just don't know what is wrong with me 😕

It feels like I'm just floating along and I'll just keep doing this until nothing changes..

Then I hit 32 in 10 years time and I end up nowhere...

It's dark as...

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

Sounds like a bad day, one thing I have noticed in your threads is that you go up and down with your emotions which is totally fine and very common with mental health. You do bounce back quite strong so try and remember that, on days like these especially.

Did anything happen that bought these feelings on? Or was it just thinking about it all that got it to this point?

My best,

Jay

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

​The joy of the anxiety and depression whispering in your ear hey. Yep get that. I have a good day everything is back on track I'm on top of the world. Everything is going to get better. And then the fall.... I was kidding myself. Nothing is going to change. The dark thoughts come creeping back in...

Time to see the psych or psychiatrist. Talk openly about the mood swings. Ask about your meds and options. More frequent sessions with psych? Also... what are your triggers? You had a few good days can you pinpoint what brought you down?

Also. The positive stuff. When I feel down and anxious I can't see the good and positives but that doesn't mean they don't exist. I just can't see them at that moment. Just keep trying HamSolo01. Back to the little steps. Back to being gentle to yourself and keeping on trying.

Sorry I'm not more use today but I am serious about sitting down and having a good hard think about triggers. It really does help to know what brings you down so you can recognise it when it happens.

Take care of yourself

[HamSolo01]

hey

yeah these moments come and go hey...

i think i like to think of my mental health as a sun. Go too far from it and i freeze but go too close and you burn. There's an "ideal" distance to have between me and the sun where its good.

I like how you said that i should just accept that people may find things goid about me in the other post. That helped 🙂

Mental health.... what a thing

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

Mental health is a complex this. I really like the way you describe mental health on more than one occasion on your thread - what you said about it being like the sun was spot on. Very, very true.

How has your past day been?

My best,

Jay

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

​Just checking in to see how you are. How has your day been?

I'm glad if something I wrote helped even a little. Have you been able to hold on to that today? That knowledge that others can see good in you.

I'm feelig a bit dizzy tonight so am going to rest but I'll check in again tomorrow ok. Take care of yourself.

[HamSolo01]

hey

yeah today is pretty crap

i get really angry with myself for not having dealt with my mental health sooner. This is what usually brings about suicidal thoughts. Its all about how ive wasted 4 years of my life that should've been formative and enjoyable. The reality is that i hate the fact that im still single and that im sexually inactive and always have been. Im over hearing about how happy people are, and i dont care if they are lying. They seem to be happy and thats all. They could be deluded but so what.. Im sick of feeling like im going nowhere. I cant handle basic human interaction in a professional setting, the only exp i have with that is through tutoring and that counts for very little. Then it becomes a circle, where im annoyed that i havent developed this skill while at uni to make new friends and connections and network and that i havent used it to pursue romance either. Its incredibly tiresome, annoying and upsetting and spins into a cycle of self hate and loathing. Feels like ill just be like this forever and it wont go away. I hate mental illness for everything its done to me and i hate myself for not getting a handle on it. This whole perspective on things is what starts my cycle of hatred. I hate seeing people interact and be romantic to the point of where i feel sad and upset by it. Im really really really annoyed.

Its also why i didnt take the job at the bookstore i applied for recently. I wont function right until i sort this stuff out. its so annoying and frustrating but i simply cant bloody operate in that environment. Yet.. It's incredibly annoying and i hate myself as it is and its made worse by this..

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

You're being way too hard on yourself again. Too critical. Ok so if you had taken the job at the bookshop and fallen apart do you think that would be the first time someone hasn't coped at work? I had a massive meltdown at my work sobbing in front of my collegues and what happened? Nothing. It's been forgotten already. The same with you. Yes you'll stuggle but at least you can say you tried.

I was the same at uni didn't have a clue how to sell myself or speak to people. My friend got me a job at the store she worked. The first few weeks were terrifying and then I realised it wasn't so bad. Then realised I was good at sales. It's about small steps. Force yourself to make one small step and stick with it until you build some confidence.

Same goes with relationships you've just got to keep trying. If you're not even out where you can meet someone it won't happen. So think of what you enjoy to do. And go and enjoy yourself. Go swim laps in the pool and use the walking lane for a warm up. Or take your dog for a walk. You'd be surprised how many people will be open to a chat if you are welcoming and enjoying yourself. Plus you can practice talking to people ☺.

Most of all HamSolo01 we're back to you forgetting the thing you need to take as a given... You are a good person and there are things others will find appealing about you. You've just got to give them a chance is all.