I don't know what to say

[james1]

Hello everyone,

I don't really know what to say.

I'm not looking for advice, I'm just looking for a place to say something/anything.

You may have read some of my other posts, but the summary of me is: 24 years old, suffered from depression a few times in my life, suicidal thoughts each time, currently dealing with a relationship breakdown two months ago and symptoms of borderline personality disorder, and the depression and anxiety's come back as a result.

I don't know what keeps tripping me up but I constantly land back at the bottom of this mountain.

I've been writing poems, here's one because I don't know what else to say. I hope it's not too dark.

Steady drums

He cowers among shadows in a sacred hall,
Beneath the gaze of saints gone by,
Who condemn his long unrelenting fall
Into cold black dreams where his demons fly.

Day brings back the spindly claws
Of imps that crawl from beneath his bed;
they hook like leeches into all his flaws
and drink through fangs until they are fed.

Gorging and gurgling - the demons grow bold
And spin bloody chambers around his heart
Which beats like a drum dressed in gold,
Sold to the devil who will never depart.

The chambers burst and hellhounds are loose
They rage inside and reek abuse.
The drums beat louder and echo in his head
They rupture his veins until he is bled.

He is only a man with a dying light,
A candle which burns yet flickers with fight,
“What more do you want?” he cries aloud,
“Your hope; your dreams.” The man is cowed.

And yet while the flame can still flicker,
And his lips still quiver, gasping for life,
The drums will beat no slower, no quicker,
Until he is safe from this strife.

[blondguy]

Hey James

I am ignorant on BPD. I feel and understand your frustration. Blue (Bluguru) has articulated herself well (again) with some sound counsel.

You remind me of my own history with our brain behaving contrary to our own well being. Our overthinking can be our worst enemy....which I still fall into the trap of doing occasionally...unfortunately...doh

When I was diagnosed with acute anxiety when I was 23 BPD didnt exist...it was called manic depression...(MD)

I understand that BPD exists after being re badged with good intentions of course. Like Dottie I have little knowledge on the new term for what was depression in the first place...Omg...this is confusing...sorry James.

All I do know is that when I was 23 I was coached/counseled not to think at 160kmh. Which I was doing..every single minute of the day.....

I feel your pain James. I wish I could have been of more help...

Please be 'Gentle' to yourself

My Best, Paul

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey James,

Just checking in to see how you're doing. And if you don't feel talky, that's cool too. Just know I am here and thinking of you. Also I want to say thanks for stopping in on my thread recently. You're very good at making sure I don't feel forgotten. Hugs to you, for your kindness.

Thanks too, everyone, for the kind words re my last post on here. Could make a girl blush! 😉

It took me a minute to get my words together there, James, because of your picture. I saw this adorable, puffy little bird and was too delighted for words. What a great photo. 🙂

Blue.

[james1]

Hello Blue and everyone else,

Sorry I haven't posted to you all. If you're wondering, that was me liking your posts as the only way I could respond properly.

Thanks for saying I could post if I wanted to Blue. I'm not avoiding posting because anything bad is happening. I came off the medication early and I've just been very wary of avoiding any disappointment because I'm really sensitive at the moment and can swing from feeling like I can write and publish all my stories to, well, you know how low my mood gets.

Even waiting for replies just wrecks me up inside so I'm just... taking care of myself I guess.

In funny news, a friend is setting me up on a blind date. I know one thing about her: her name is the same as my ex's name, haha. Oh well. She had one of the most common names so I guess that was to be expected. Still, I think it'll be nice for me to just try and meet people, even if only to make a new friend.

I'm also going to the writing meet-up again tonight. I will either be fixing some of my poems or making a start on the new story idea I brainstormed yesterday.

Oh something else embarrasing happened today. We had four people from the the Australian Chamber Orchestra come to our work to give a talk and play a bit of music over lunch. I was sitting next to my manager and something about the music just made me start crying! Oh it was super embarrasing and I don't know if people noticed, but my tears were just free-flowing, haha. I'm such a softie at heart 😛

James

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Sounds like you've got a lot going on, James. I hope the date and the meet-up go well, and that stopping your medication doesn't cause you any undue stress (in general, not necessarily related to the social things). Also I popped in to look at that cute bird again. So puffy! XD

[james1]

Yeah he is! 😄 We got to pet him and scratch him. Feathers were suuuper soft.

[Guest_322]

Hi James,

As Blue said, post when you want to and feel up to it. You have to care of yourself; that's the most important part. The posts can wait- there's no rush. Do whatever works for you, and as your friends, our job is to support you 😉

Hope your blind date goes well. Either way, it should be a good experience. I think it's great that you're putting yourself out there (but with a gentle nudge from your friend ha, ha).

About the music, well, it just shows that you're sensitive and connected with the music. Nothing wrong with crying but I guess most of us prefer not for it to happen at work, that's all.

Take good care of yourself.

Dottie x

[james1]

Okay it's probably about time that I post something in here. Process of self-discovery and acceptance I guess.

So here is me, or what little of me I have realised is truly me:

- I would lie, guilt-trip and hurt to get someone to come back to me. I have done this before and did so knowingly, yet unwillingly. Like I couldn't do anything else. I'm trying to avoid doing this now.

- I would and do lie to get people to like me.

- I am adaptable.

- I am always afraid, though I hide it well from myself and from others.

- I am always suppressing something, even if I don't know what.

- I know a little bit about everything, but not much about anything.

- I am touched by music.

- I am entirely aimless right now. My only goal in life is a counterfactual conditional: if I were to have kids, I'd raise them better than I was raised.

- I have no confidence that I will ever have kids.

- The idea of living another year like this terrifies me.

- The idea of getting better only to relapse terrifies me as well.

- I am confused and have no idea where to start.

Blah. Ta da! C'est moi!

[Lost_Girl]

Dear James,

Thank you for opening up and sharing what you have learnt about yourself. In my life I havd found most people don't really become self aware until there is a significant event in life to prompt it, and often that is much later in life.

I did a lot of searching for me when my Dad died when I was 21. The most important thing I have learnt since then is that I am in fluxx. What and who I was yesterday may not be the same as I am today. However, it is helpful to have a baseline of core concept of who we are.

Well done you. I know that this journey is not easy for you. I admire your perserverance and I must admit I am pleased to see self-harm is not listed as integral part of your identity as such. I am pleased that sits elsewhere.

When you say you are confused and don't know where to start, are you able to clarify? Do you mean in terms of self discovery, healing or moving forward etc?

I find you very sincere and brave James. I am pleased to know you.

Big hugs xx

[blondguy]

Hey James,

you are an intelligent and caring guy. The tonnage of help you have given people here is Gold

I used to think exactly as you are now....and its a pain....especially with damaged self worth/esteem.

You have so much to offer. I wish I had your abilities when I was younger.

Always here for a champion like you James

usted es una leyenda

Paul 🙂

[Guest_322]

Hi James,

I really liked the openness and frankness of your most recent post. I think there's something beautiful in vulnerability sometimes.

I hope it helps you figure out yourself a little better as it must be exhausting and confusing to feel as though you're drifting. Maybe one day you'll find both feet firmly rooted underground as opposed to being thrown from pole to pole. But till then...and even then...keep at the self discovery.

I realise it can't be easy at all. The struggle...

Virtual hugs to you for trying to figure it out.

Dottie x