Hello everyone,
I thought I'd post here again because I've been thinking a lot recently and there have been a lot of small changes that feel like they have accumulated into a new perspective.
BPD and depression are beasts on their own, let alone when co-existing. When you have a fragile sense of self, being told that your thoughts of suicide are wrong sounds very much like your own person is wrong. How can I split the depression and the BPD from myself? When I consider myself barely anything more than what I do and what I think, how can I value myself if others are telling me that what I do and what I think is wrong?
I need emotional validation. I need someone to say, "Yes, your thinking of suicide completely makes sense. But I'm here to help you explore the alternatives." That is something my psychologist has recently started doing a lot, and it gives me comfort to know that I am not wrong, there are simply alternatives should I choose to explore them.
I need control. Being told to do something takes the "me" out of the choice, even if it's to do it "for myself". My psychologist asked if I want to write lists of things that I'd consider doing at some point in the future. So when I do activities, it is not to do it to get better or to do it for enjoyment, but simply because I wrote it down as something I might consider doing. This feels a lot more like "me", even though I don't know what "me" is.
I need room to breathe. There is a constant battle inside which even I am sometimes oblivious to. I put up walls around the person inside me to protect him from the outside stressors, but it's soundproof both ways. He doesn't hear the outside, but I don't hear him. And when he cries out because he feels trapped in the darkness, I plunge on ahead, completely unaware until his banging on the walls breaks them down.
These are needs which are both satisfied or not satisfied externally and internally as well. One of the classic symptoms of BPD is acting in or acting out. They are cries when these needs are not met whether externally or internally. So it is hurtful to hear the classic line, "people don't change". I fully understand why it is often said; It really is a vicious cycle because our acting often causes further damage. But it is hurtful because takes away my emotional validation, it says I have no control, and it tells me that the rage will continue on forever.
Short story: I have a way forward and I will keep falling, but I hope that people do change.
