I don't know what to do - a mess of a situation

[rhinoceros]

Hello friends

I am in a bad situation. I would appreciate your advice and insight. I have been in a relationship for almost four years. It's been really hard at times. I love her sincerely but recent developments have have made me realise that I don't think I can in good conscience stay with her any more.

For majority of our relationship we have had issues with intimacy. This was a mess. Unfortunately my AD medication had adverse side effects. She assumed I didn't find her attractive and I guess responded with a threat response. I was screamed at, belittled and told that this is my problem, you need to fix it. I accepted this and sought counselling to help. This had repeated so many times that I no longer was interested in intimacy. I was actually afraid of it and still am. Similarly with other issues/concerns, they were usually met with either a very defensive or aggressive response, despite my best efforts to be diplomatic and gentle in my manner. Most of these particularly nasty memories are from some time ago now, (at least a year usually) but have done a lot of damage.

She had been away for the last three weeks. During this time a friendship with a female co-worker started. I confided in her about ALL of the issues I've been dealing with. She displayed warmth, kindness and understanding that I simply forgot could exist. I developed feelings for her, she did for me. We agreed I'm not in a place to obviously do anything about it so unfortunately are no longer friends.

I attempted to break up with my partner yesterday. She was distraught and heartbroken. It was the opposite of the angry/aggressive person I feared. I care very much for her. She has no friends, barely any family and would be entirely on her own. I couldn't go through with it. We agreed to try and work through our problems. I want to believe we can do this, but deep down I don't think it will work.The fact I developed feelings for someone else plagues me with guilt and I feel like every word I say to her is a lie.

Right now I think I need to work through my own thoughts and feelings and then proceed to act from there. I feel like I'm some sort of monster and I don't know what to do any more.

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron
You probably have noticed by my obvious absence that I have been going through some mess…I have had another suicide in my life and just managing that as it has dragged up a few emotions for me. In saying that I am probably going to take a week or two off the forum just to regroup and focus on me for a bit. Just wanted to let you know Mark and I will be back before you know it. I am doing ok but just wanted to let you know that I am just taking a rest.
Be back soon enough so take care and chat soon
Your friend
Sarah

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

I am so sorry to hear that, I hope you are okay. Taking some time to look after yourself sounds like a fine idea. You've been such a wonderful friend, I've really appreciated and enjoyed talking with you. To lose another person in that way, I can't begin to comprehend how you must be feeling.

I'm here if you need me.

Look after youself Sarah, sending lots of hugs your way.

Aaron

[Aaronsis]

Hi Aaron

I wanted to say thank you for your kind words and your support. I am not sure if you still come to visit the page or not but I hope you are well and that you are doing great and that things are fantastic in your life.

I am doing OK and have taken some time for me, the rest is nice but now it is time to get up and reignite the flame inside and get back to being me.

Hope to chat some more and hope you are well xx

Your friend

Sarah xxx

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

It is so nice to hear from you. I was thinking of you wondering how you are going. I'm glad you're reigniting your flame and getting back to being you :-). You've gone through a lot lately, I can only imagine how hard it would be to cope with.

Things are going well - have been extra busy with gigs, last two weeks I have been doing six gigs a week! It's probably a bit much to do forever but the extra bit of income is really handy. It's all going towards the new house.

New house is nearly done now! Carpets have to go in, but the light at the end of the tunnel is getting closer and closer now. It's scary but exciting. There's quite a bit of furniture etc. I need to get but that will happen gradually I guess 🙂

I'm working on further weaning off my AD medication too, that's exciting. It's a bit unpleasant for the first couple weeks of a new dose but after that I start to feel better. Looking forward to finally not having to take it any more, that will still probably be at least six months away but these things take time.

Again it's so nice to hear from you Sarah , I hope you're okay and looking after yourself so you can heal after that trauma.

big hugs!,

Aaron xx

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

It is so great to hear from you too and it is great to be back, the small break has really given me a chance to build up some strength and to focus on me which is a really nice thing. Thank you so very much for your lovely words to me, it made me feel so wonderful, so thank you.

You sure sound like you have been busy with gigs and with your music which as you said, the extra money is awesome but I am sure you are pretty tired with also having to go to your 9 - 5 the next day....but good on you and I am sure it is good for your mental health too as music is a real healer for us both.

That is soo exciting about your house and the fact the carpets are going in means you are really near the end of the build which is so very exciting for you, well done and I am sure you are so very excited to be moving in and to have some space for you and start your next chapter in life.

How are you feeling with the weaning off of the AD meds? It is so wonderful that you have a plan and that you are doing it so very slowly, that will really make for a wonderful outcome in the end.

You are sounding so very strong Aaron and that you are really in a very different place to when you first started posting here which is so very wonderful. I am so happy for you and so very proud as this has not been an easy road for you and you have done so much work to take care of yourself and to build yourself up.

Once again thank you so much for your support to me too, I am feeling stronger and time certainly does help, although the pain sits with me now like a part of who I am. On the 28th of this month, which would have also been Aaron's 20th birthday, we will lay his ashes in the place he requested, it will be another hard day to manage but I think this will be a key part in the healing for our family.

Short week this week which is awesome....hope you had a fantastic weekend.

Chat soon

Huge hugs as always

Sarah xxxxx

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

I'm so glad you have that bit of time to heal and recover. I can only imagine how hard it would be to go through something as traumatic as that again. It make me feel nice to know my words were of some help to you, it's very nice of you to say that.

I'm going to try and slow down with the music stuff soon - I'm feeling a bit run down this week. It's really scary with the Corona-virus happening in Australia - we have four cases in Tassie now. Makes me worry when I'm out gigging in crowded pubs and places like that. I can't wait for this virus situation to pass, I would like to feel less anxious!

House is going well still, they did the concreting for the driveway earlier this week. It's really starting to look like a house now- will need a load of work to make the garden look nice etc. but these things can happen gradually. Carpets should be happening in the next week or two as well. I'm looking forward to having my own space. I have a mental image of spending a Saturday morning with old 50's music blaring while I polish the old Mercedes in the garage. That's the kind of life I'd like :-).

I'm going to start weaning of my meds again tomorrow - hopefully it won't be too disruptive. As the dose gets lower, I've noticed the withdrawals get a bit worse. Once the worst of it's over it's okay, so hoping this time it will be alright. As I gradually reduce my dose I do feel noticeably better... more engaged, can concentrate easier etc.

I feel like I'm in a much better place right now. My ability to cope with life and its problems seems to be much better too. I'm still getting better at being assertive , but it's hard to unlearn a habit I've had for so long. Thank you so much for all you support and kindness, I owe you so much for that.

I don't think pain like that every completely goes away but in a strange way can help us become stronger and more resilient people. Laying Aaron's ashes will be really hard but it will hopefully give a bit of closure to the family and hopefully allow everyone to move forwards in a positive way 🙂

Short week was wonderful! I actually had last Friday off, so it was a 4 day weekend! I took a couple of friends on a mini-roadtrip in the old Merc and spent the rest of the weekend gigging. Even this weekend I've got 3 gigs eeergh.

Hope you've had a lovely week and that you have a great weekend 🙂

Aaron

xxxx

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

I am not sure if you are still checking your thread here, so sorry for the tardy reply but know you are not ever far in my thoughts.

Hope that you are doing well and are healthy in this time of uncertainty, wow, it is sure like nothing we have ever seen. I hope that your family are well too and I am thinking of your grandad also. We really haven't experienced anything like this before so it is all a bit of a shock, it almost I suppose would be what war times must have felt like to some small degree.

I am sure that now with the pub etc closing it has stopped your gigs, which I am sure will be upsetting for you but I think the small break could be a nice thing too, and the joy of music and the internet is that I am sure you can still jam with your friends over an online session, which could be kind of cool. None the less I guess it is forcing you to have some down time, which is nice.

I am so happy to hear that you are in a better place that when we first started chatting, I believe it too and you really have grown so much as a person with your emotional knowledge of yourself as well as what your boundaries are and accepting that no one has the right to push them. That you can say no and that it is perfectly fine to put you first. You really have done some wonderful growth on this journey Aaron and you should feel so proud of you, sure I was here to guide and support but you did all the hard work my friend.

We have decided to postpone the laying of Aaron's ashes, it is just too risky to get people together and with the borders closing it would be too hard to get there anyway. My dad is ok with it although I really think he needs this final piece of the healing puzzle put in place, but as long as he is ok with it that is all that matters. We will do it at the end of the year hopefully and just do our own thing on Saturday which would have been his 20th birthday.

My kids have started holidays now so that is going to be interesting for them, and for me I suppose as I put the fires out..lol...I feel sorry for them as they cant see their friends or go to the movies....all the usual stuff, guess we have to find alternatives.

Once again sorry for the delay in getting back to you Aaron but you are always in my thoughts.

Take care and stay well xx

Sarah xxx

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

I still check in here! So nice to hear from you. You've been in my thoughts too.

It's scary right now, that's for sure. I work in the CBD in Hobart, it's completely quiet - like a zombie town. I worry lots about people getting sick. Our healthcare system here was struggling badly even before this virus. War times would have been worse I'm sure, but it's still scary.

Thankfully my job is pretty safe but I feel horrible about all the people that have lost jobs. My mum could lose her job, it's a small business. I'm sure she'll have her job back when this is over but in the meantime who knows. I have no gigs anymore at all - also my house is 90% complete - no idea if it will get finished or whether it'll have to wait until this crisis is over. Carpets are supposed to go in mid April, it may not happen. There's so much uncertainty. The goalposts keep getting moved every couple of days.

Tassie is a bit more isolated and so far they think there's been no community transmission of the virus... that said they're not doing much testing so who knows. I'm trying not to worry about it too much but it's hard not to. It's likely I'll be working from home soon. I actually won't mind that too much but things will be pretty strange.

Missing gigging lots but tonight I'll do some solid practise to try and keep musically active. I will consider doing some live broadcasts on instagram etc. to keep me amused!

That's a shame the laying of Aaron's ashes had to be postponed. It's the safest thing to do but it must be hard on your Dad. I'm hoping things will be back to normal sooner than later and by the end of the year we can go back to life as it was before.

Thank you for your support and kindness! I am definitely in a better place now than before. Hard to believe how bad things were when I look back. Every day I learn how to be a better version of me , if that makes sense? It takes time but there's lots to feel positive about.

Hope you and your family are safe and healthy during this scary time, I hope things get better soon for all of us!

You are a wonderful friend Sarah

Aaron

xxx

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

I am so happy you are still checking in, I am so happy to hear that you are still working and that your job is safe, it is one thing to not have to have anxiety around. I am grateful mine is safe too and am working from home two or three days a week. I hope your mum is ok and that her job is safe too, it sure is a worry and a huge lot of pain when we have to see the ones we love in this situation. However, it is just a moment in time, we will get to resume to life as we know it, it is not forever, I have to keep reminding myself of that.

It is a shame that your house plans may have to go on hold but I am sure that with everything going on you are almost happy to be with your mum and have the unity of family together at this time, even cranky grandad..lol

Music is so wonderful at this time and I am seeing so many people doing things on line, just getting on there and playing or singing..it is sometimes like a free concert which is really warming to the soul. Also great for them to keep their music alive.

I am kind of in a weird place right now as my dad did go ahead with laying Aaron's ashes to rest and I totally understand that he needed to do that, he filmed it and it tore me apart not being there for him, seeing him so raw and honest and letting his emotions out as it was just him and his wife, it was a really personal time for them and I am glad that they did this together.

The next part of the shittyness is that we got the coroner's report on Friday and while it was mostly ok and filled with information that we knew, well at least I knew...dad had no idea about most of the detail, by choice and to read it was horrific for him, but there were some things that I did not know and it really upset me, broke me actually and I have had a pretty lousy few days. However, I have tried to manage it and put it in a place of understanding and trying to move on with the healing.

You are soooo absolutely positively in a better place than when we first chatted Aaron and I am so very proud of how you have sought help, have spoken out, have taken what you need to grow and to manage the situation when it really was not a typical break up, still supporting your ex, and you were there, so a very unusual break up. Your strength is I am sure helping you know to get through these times of uncertainty too. You are amazing and you have done yourself so proud Aaron.

Chat soon and hope to hear you and your family are well xx

Hugs as always

Your friend Sarah xx

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

Sorry for the tardy reply.
Hope you had a nice Easter break. Would have to say it's probably the most boring Easter break I've had in a while but I think we're all in the same boat in that regard! At this point in time Mum's job is still safe. There's been a nasty outbreak of Covid 19 in the NW coast, hoping nothing happens like that here in Hobart.

In regards to the house... apparently I'll be ready end of this week if all goes to plan. SCARY!
I still need to get blinds and things like that. I'm sure the neighbours wouldn't appreciate seeing me in my underwear haha!

I've invested in some recording equipment so I can keep making music. Obviously I won't make any money from it but it's more for my own sanity and for the fun of it.

That sounds incredibly intense for your dad and his wife. It would have been so hard to not be there. It's really hard not being able to see our loved ones easily during this time. Hope you are okay. Do you get to speak with your dad regularly?

The coroners report wouldn't be an easy thing to look at for anyone, even if you knew the circumstances. That would've rattled anyone no matter how strong. I find the clinical language in documents like that really hard to stomach. I know it's statement of fact, it's not a letter of condolence or anything, but the way they write these things can be really brutal.

I'm heading to the Post Office during lunch time today... it will be the first time leaving the house in quite a while. What an occasion! I get excited about little things like that now...

Hope you and your family are well too Sarah.

Sending you positive thoughts!!

Aaron

xx