I don't know what to do - a mess of a situation

[rhinoceros]

Hello friends

I am in a bad situation. I would appreciate your advice and insight. I have been in a relationship for almost four years. It's been really hard at times. I love her sincerely but recent developments have have made me realise that I don't think I can in good conscience stay with her any more.

For majority of our relationship we have had issues with intimacy. This was a mess. Unfortunately my AD medication had adverse side effects. She assumed I didn't find her attractive and I guess responded with a threat response. I was screamed at, belittled and told that this is my problem, you need to fix it. I accepted this and sought counselling to help. This had repeated so many times that I no longer was interested in intimacy. I was actually afraid of it and still am. Similarly with other issues/concerns, they were usually met with either a very defensive or aggressive response, despite my best efforts to be diplomatic and gentle in my manner. Most of these particularly nasty memories are from some time ago now, (at least a year usually) but have done a lot of damage.

She had been away for the last three weeks. During this time a friendship with a female co-worker started. I confided in her about ALL of the issues I've been dealing with. She displayed warmth, kindness and understanding that I simply forgot could exist. I developed feelings for her, she did for me. We agreed I'm not in a place to obviously do anything about it so unfortunately are no longer friends.

I attempted to break up with my partner yesterday. She was distraught and heartbroken. It was the opposite of the angry/aggressive person I feared. I care very much for her. She has no friends, barely any family and would be entirely on her own. I couldn't go through with it. We agreed to try and work through our problems. I want to believe we can do this, but deep down I don't think it will work.The fact I developed feelings for someone else plagues me with guilt and I feel like every word I say to her is a lie.

Right now I think I need to work through my own thoughts and feelings and then proceed to act from there. I feel like I'm some sort of monster and I don't know what to do any more.

[Aaronsis]

Hey

I am so sorry for the late reply...I have just read your post..Aaron..I am so sorry that you are feeling so sad and so alone. I wont reply on your post and let some others come and chat to you but I wanted to come and give you my support and let you know that I am here for you.

It is hard to move out on your own and it does take some time to get used to, especially when you have had the company of others, be it good or not so good. Would you consider having a house mate, putting out an add for a student or someone to rent one of the rooms? Does that sound like something that could work? or even a mate who is looking to move out also.

I feel heartbroken for you as you have worked so hard for this and really wanted this and who knew this was how you were going to feel. I am sure it has caught you by surprise too.

Maybe also scheduling some dinners at your place with some mates or even having some of your music friends over to jam and just fill the gap for a while.

I don't want to make you post in many places so I will keep an eye on the thread that you have started.

I am so sorry Aaron that this has suddenly crept up on you and was certainly not what was expected from your move in.

I am also so sorry I didn't message back earlier and was not there for you.

Hugs to you my friend

Sarah

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

I just wanted to stop in and see how you are and how you are feeling today? How have the past few days been? I am also wondering if you have perhaps got some plans for the weekend and maybe to have some friends over to help with the settling in period and to make the house more like home?

I am so sorry this move has not gone how we thought it would and that it did throw you a curve ball with feeling so very alone and sad. I think as time does go by and you do spend some more time there and start to create some good times there it will start to ease. I hope more than anything that it is already feeling less overwhelming.

Thinking of you Aaron and I hope that you are doing well.

Huge hugs to you my friend

Sarah

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

Thank you so much for your message.

I'm doing a bit better now than I was before. It was such a huge shock to the system. There's no denying the loneliness is hard to adjust to. I like your suggestions - particularly if I could find a good housemate or friend at some point - that would make this much easier (and likely more fun too).

The first couple nights were spent more or less balling my eyes out... I really can't even properly identify specifically what was making me so sad. I guess it was a feeling of emptiness of sorts.

The crazy thing though is that I'm only 10 minutes away from Mum's house. It's not like I moved to another country or something...

It was really hard leaving a home that has memories from my entire life to somewhere that was totally devoid of feeling or personality. It never occurred to me how hard that would be.

I'm working from home still (at Mum's house), so I commute there from the new house. That's made things a bit easier for now. I'm getting more used to it now - I've started unpacking a bit more and making the place feel more like a home.

At this point in time I don't actually have a TV yet- so there's little to distract me. I hope to remedy that this weekend.

I hope you are going well too Sarah - I really appreciate how supportive and patient you've been with me all this time. I've so very grateful.

Aaron

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

I am so happy to hear that you are feeling somewhat more calm and that the initial pain of experiencing the separation from your family home have softened. It is hard, you have had your whole life in your family home and now you are not there, it doesn't matter if it is 10 hours away or as you say, 10 mins away, it is a whole new house you are living in. Also the fact that it probably does feel unsettled as well as you are unpacking and things are not set up and in place and it is not feeling homely just yet.

I am glad that the idea of a house mate sounds like a good one, it could be fun and especially if you have things in common like music or even if they play an instrument too, that could be some really good times ahead. Just having another person in the house could really make the move easy as you will have some company and just another person around.

Do you also think that the weather may play a part in it too? I know that when it is colder and you are inside more and the sun is not out so much that I feel a little more quieter and not sad but just not like I do in summer? We are not out BBQing or eating outside and enjoying that good outside vibe.

This might sound crazy but I was thinking about some ways to make it feel like home and I am not sure what you think about this, what about some baking, to make the house smell all home like, getting in the kitchen and just using the oven and the stove and baking a cake or cookies, like you have made something with love from your kitchen. I am not sure if this sounds dumb but it is kind of like you are making friends with your house?????

I am off to footy training now, it is freezing here and my daughter is going to be absolutely like ice but she is excited to be back training, even though it is not usual training, I have to sit in the car but I will have a coffee and the heater on at least..lol...

Hugs to you my friend, I am always here for you, always and I am sorry that in our time between posts I was not there for you initially when you were feeling so down and upset.

Have a great day and chat really soon

Hugs

Sarah xx

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

So sorry for the tardy reply. It's been a hectic week and a bit.
I'm feeling a bit better in the new house now. I think I'm starting to enjoy the positives of being there. It's nice to have privacy and the ability to set things up the way you want to.

We've had torrential rain here in Hobart over the last couple days - the back yard has flooded a bit. Have to keep an eye on that... hopefully it won't be a problem. I think I'll have to get some drains put in!

The weather has been particularly awful of late. I think moving house during this time of the year (basically dark all the time) in retrospect wasn't a great idea. I'm sure if it was sunny and warm I would've found it easier. I'm also not gigging really at all right now, so that would make things feel all the more isolated.

I am certainly making friends with the house! We get along much better than before. I think I'm a bit like a cat. You know how they can get really funny about new spaces/environments? That's probably how I am.

We had some bad news in the family - my younger brother has got into some trouble for drug related offences. I don't know any of the details but it's so disappointing. I suspected something was up. I wouldn't say I'm surprised, just really disappointed. I feel awful for my Mum. She doesn't seem too affected by it but I suspect she's putting on a brave face.

My depression etc. has been a bit worse of late but I'm trying to manage that. I'm making an effort to wake up at the same time every day. Exercise isn't really an option at the moment- the weather has been terrible and most gyms are still shut. Not sure I'm willing to risk going to a gym just yet.

How are you going where are you? I saw there's been a spike in Corona cases in Melbourne. Hope you're safe where you are. I hope things get back to normal soon.

I have my first 'regular' public gig tonight since the lockdown. Not sure there'll be many people there but so grateful to be playing again in any case.

Aaron

xx

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

It is great to hear from you and so great to hear that you are making friends with the house, it really does take time and I think you are onto something with the time of year too, the cold wintery weather really doesn't help if you are feeling a little down. Also as you said, it is a whole lot to get used to and while the privacy is great and putting what you like where you like it is new and it is solitary and the rain and the cold does not help. If it were sunny you might have BBQ's and friends over and just feel more positive in general.

Also as you mentioned too, it is hard to do the things you normally would like your exercise and gigging with this whole COVID thing it really has upset the apple cart. You can probably see the COVID thread here and there are many people coming to chat who are really struggling through this time. We have gone backwards here in Melbourne and it has meant that people are panic buying again and there is no toilet paper and no pasta and it is just going a bit off the rails. My son has his 16th birthday tomorrow and we had to cancel his party so he is not impressed about that, however we will have a few dinners over the course of the weekend for him to celebrate. It is what is and we will have a party when all of this settles down.

I am so sorry to hear that your brother has been charged with some drug offenses. I am sure that you are really worried about your mum and her feelings and at the same time pretty angry at him and that he is putting her through this. Seeing that your relationship with him is not that wonderful I am sure you are really angry which is understandable, I hope that your mum is ok and that the charges are not too severe, for your mum's sake. In saying that maybe it is a lesson he needs to learn to take responsibility for his actions.

I am really pleased to hear that you are trying to be mindful of the things that help in managing the depression, getting up and getting dressed, some light exercise even if you can put some music on and dance around, that is something. It is hard at the moment and while I love a thunderstorm I am not too keen on the humidity..especially if you have a gig! Hope it went well and I am sure that they loved it!

I have a huge night of cooking ahead to get ready for the weekend of dinners with 2 lasagna's to make and a 2 birthday cakes....I will be exhausted tomorrow!!!

Have a look at my profile pic..I can grow veggies..look at me go!

Chat soon my friend

Hugs

Sarah

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

Sorry for the slow reply! It's been crazy busy at work the last week or so.
Things in the new house are going well. Loads to do but I'll get there eventually. I have the beginnings of a lawn on the front appearing - that's probably the closest thing to gardening I've done! I literally just threw grass seeds around. Haha!

So to hear about your son's cancelled birthday party. That would be a disappointment for sure but it's the safest thing to do. How are things there for you now? It looks pretty scary what's happening there. Things here in Tassie seem mostly normal, but that could change at any moment really. I've been gigging again, 2-3 gigs a week. I'm so lucky, I'm likely the busiest guitar player here! Not sure how that happened really.

I'm super disappointed about my brother, but it's not something I have control of. He really needs help I think. He doesn't get out of bed until late afternoon. There are serious mental health issues there I'm sure. It's not a way most people would choose to live.

How was your weekend? I had a really nice Sunday - I went to a winery with an older couple that I met through the car shows. They have a beautiful '68 Mercedes roadster. I got to have a drive of it! It was such a thrill. Don't think I've had that much fun in a seriously long time!

Your veggies look wonderful! Go you! That's brilliant. At some point I really want to start a veggie garden. I like the idea of being a bit more self-sufficient :-). Even just a herb garden to start with would be nice. Gardening is not my forte though!

Hope you're doing okay over there ,

big hugs!

Aaron

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

Sorry for my late reply to you, I was actually sitting here typing when my phone rang, my mother passed away on Wednesday and I am still in shock to be honest. While I am totally devastated and just cannot believe she is not here I am happy she is in peace and not having to fight the demons of anxiety anymore. I am doing ok, although the pending anniversary of my brother's passing is coming up on the 31st so I was so worried about that, it all just seems a bit much.

I am so happy to hear that you are feeling settled in your home and that you have even made some lawn, wow, that is impressive! As you know I am no gardener either so am very impressed at both my veggies and your lawn.

It is so wonderful you are busy and are able to secure so many gigs a week for yourself and to keep the dollars coming in now you are a home owner as well as do something you love, that is really awesome! That sounds like so much fun too, driving around in the Merc and visiting the wineries and having a really wonderful day, I am so pleased for you that things are really starting to come together for you, it is so wonderful and you have worked so hard.

It is sad to hear about your brother and I am wondering one day if he will decide to reach out and get some help for himself. It is so sad when you see that there is help available and that some just don't want it. You really cannot make anyone get the help that we think they need, some just feel that they don't need it, so what can we do about that?

I have to say though that in the past few days since my mother has passed my brother has become a totally different person, I only wish he could have done this when she was alive and so many things may have been different. Ahhh hindsight!

Hugs to you Aaron

Sarah xx

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

I am so sorry for the slow reply!

I don't even know what to say- I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother. I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling. Plus your brother's anniversary - that's too much to cope with. I think most people would find that too much. I lost two grandparents within months of each-other, it's not the same as what happened to you, but it was so hard saying goodbye when we were still grieving from before.

The house is still going well - gardening is definitely not my forte - I don't like gardening at all! On the bright side, wallabies etc. are keeping the lawn short so I don't have to mow it. Brilliant!

Gigs are still happening although we are all pretty cautious at the moment... I am pretty sure Tassie will get a second wave eventually so enjoying everything while it lasts. Unfortunately my old Merc has developed some sort of misfire so no cruising until I fix that. Otherwise have been unpacking things in the house - doing lots of running too. I did a 20 km run with a 63 year old work friend on Saturday. He's much fitter than me, but it was really fun. Pretty tired still from it though!

I agree re my brother. If he doesn't want to get help or doesn't think he needs it, there's little I can do. I think I'm going to save myself a lot of stress by stepping away from all of that. We all make our own choices, he'll just have to live with his.

That's interesting with your brother, I'm glad he's changed his ways. I suspect it'll take something huge to get my brother to change. It's always a shame though that it took so long to happen.

I've been reading all the news re. Victoria - I hope you're okay over there. It sounds so scary! Are you able to still work from home? I feel sorry for all those people in nursing homes, it must be so scary for them.

Aaron

xx

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

Thank you for your support, it really has been a hard 12 months and I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be saying good bye to my brother and my mother within the same 12 months...however, i am learning what good things have come from my brother's death and I try to be grateful for the time that I did have. Same with my mother, while she struggled so badly with anxiety and depression, she is free now and while I would love to have her back and with me, I am so happy she is not suffering these demons anymore. It still does feel so surreal in that I think "oh I will just call mum"...and then I realize I cannot.

It is so great to hear that you are settling in to your house and that you are making a home for you, that is so exciting and I am so pleased for you. I am no gardener either so the idea of some wallabies to eat the lawn is perfect! I can kill a plastic plant and that is not even exaggerating...I am hopeless..however I am growing these veggies so there is hope for me yet!

That is awesome that you are still out and still able to get out, to do gigs and to have a beer and to socialize and to play your music..I am very jealous! Although I am sure that this all has to come to an end soon enough and this virus will be maintained and we can get on with life, just trying to do one day at a time and remain positive and not focus on the cant's but on the good things isolation brings...

OH NO..the Merc is not well! I hope you have had it seen to as I know how much joy that car brings you, hopefully it is something easy and cheap!

Well done on your run, that is so wonderful. I wanted to ask you how you are feeling V's when we first started chatting and maybe some of the things that you have learnt about yourself, that you have developed and that you have grown into?

I really cannot believe the change in my brother since my mum is no longer there, I feel like he is ..well free. I know that sounds really mean but he did do every thing for my mother and I can see how sometimes she would say things about him that I find out now are not true, it was like she liked the feud between us??? I think it may have been her way of keeping people away to be honest.

I hope in time your brother can turn his life around too, I wonder if my brother is regretting the years that have passed that he did not engage with? I think he can see a whole new world and wouldn't it be great for your brother too..

Hugs as always Aaron

Sarah xx