I don't know what to do - a mess of a situation

[rhinoceros]

Hello friends

I am in a bad situation. I would appreciate your advice and insight. I have been in a relationship for almost four years. It's been really hard at times. I love her sincerely but recent developments have have made me realise that I don't think I can in good conscience stay with her any more.

For majority of our relationship we have had issues with intimacy. This was a mess. Unfortunately my AD medication had adverse side effects. She assumed I didn't find her attractive and I guess responded with a threat response. I was screamed at, belittled and told that this is my problem, you need to fix it. I accepted this and sought counselling to help. This had repeated so many times that I no longer was interested in intimacy. I was actually afraid of it and still am. Similarly with other issues/concerns, they were usually met with either a very defensive or aggressive response, despite my best efforts to be diplomatic and gentle in my manner. Most of these particularly nasty memories are from some time ago now, (at least a year usually) but have done a lot of damage.

She had been away for the last three weeks. During this time a friendship with a female co-worker started. I confided in her about ALL of the issues I've been dealing with. She displayed warmth, kindness and understanding that I simply forgot could exist. I developed feelings for her, she did for me. We agreed I'm not in a place to obviously do anything about it so unfortunately are no longer friends.

I attempted to break up with my partner yesterday. She was distraught and heartbroken. It was the opposite of the angry/aggressive person I feared. I care very much for her. She has no friends, barely any family and would be entirely on her own. I couldn't go through with it. We agreed to try and work through our problems. I want to believe we can do this, but deep down I don't think it will work.The fact I developed feelings for someone else plagues me with guilt and I feel like every word I say to her is a lie.

Right now I think I need to work through my own thoughts and feelings and then proceed to act from there. I feel like I'm some sort of monster and I don't know what to do any more.

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

Congratualtions, OMG, that is so awesome that you did the marathon and in better time than you thought with little preparation, that is so good, well done!

I am so happy to hear that even though it made you feel a little uncomfortable you went to the party, that is so brave and so great that you are pushing yourself to do things that scare you a little and you found out, that they are fine. I am so proud of you, that is awesome.

The vegan diet is going so well, I really can't believe I feel so good and have so much energy and am actually still sticking to it tbh. It has been ok as I have been pretty prepared and have shopped well so that I don't have any traps in the house. The kids are still eating meat and eggs so I still have to cook that for them, which is fine as I don't want to force this on them. But it is going really well.

I am glad that you feel that you can be supportive to your ex and it not impact your MH too much, that is really nice that you want to support her. I feel like you are in a much stronger place and are managing this ok, that you can see the light at the end of the tunnel???

It is so smoky here today in Melbourne and I can hardly see out the window, the fire alarms are in active mode in the building and just ready to go off, so who knows what today will bring...it is so horrific and I just really can't believe it. Also here talking to others and the pain and suffering and what they have lost, just absolutely heart wrenching.....

Music really is the happiest place to be, what does Frankie Valli say about you, that you have character and soul...I think whatever speaks to you and makes you feel good, or even sometimes sad is ok too.

Have a great day and please dont feel bad for not chatting every day, I am always here and you chat as you need to xx

Hugs

Sarah xx

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

Thank you! It was pretty tough but I'm glad I did it. The sense of achievement at the end is the best, knowing I ran 21 kms! I don't even drive that far to work... it's crazy when you think about it. Next time I do something like that I'm going to try and be better prepared but it's promising to know what I am capable of if I put my mind to it :-).

Glad I went to the birthday party too. I was so close to chickening out and not going. I've never been a particularly outgoing person so that sort of thing never has come naturally. I'm glad I went though, it was far less scary than I imagined it would be.

Glad the vegan diet is going well! Your body must be really happy with it. I am terrible at shopping responsibly... I end up buying lots of junk food when left to my own devices. You must be super self disciplined! I'm a sucker for Oreo biscuits... they're a weakness of mine!

I can definitely see a light at the end of the tunnel - I feel like I'm in a better place to assert myself when required and generally cope better with things. For example if my ex was to be nasty to me again, there's no way I'd put up with it. I feel like I have much more mental strength if that makes more sense? The MH is pretty good for the most part. I had a gig last night and I was really tired, so I didn't feel like I played very well. I'm a bit drained, we have a new boss at work. She's a bit of a micromanager from what I can tell and it's changed the vibe in the office in a bad way unfortunately.

Some of that smoke has made its way down to Hobart. Pretty smoky out there today. It's so horrible what's happened. I don't think I've ever heard of fires like this before, it's seems apocalyptic in magnitude. It's so scary.

Hope you have a good day and hopefully it's a bit less smoky

Aaron

xx

[Aaronsis]

Hi Aaron

The marathon has given you a real confidence boost and yes you are so right, imagine what you can do it you train and really give it all you have, that is a great goal to work for. I can hear how proud you are of your efforts and that is awesome. It really is true, the mind is a funny old thing and it is amazing what you can achieve when you are determined. Good on you!

I am so happy you didn’t chicken out of the party, it is daunting and scary doing those things when you are not comfortable and it is not what you usually do, however you did it and pushed yourself and found out is wasn’t at all as scary as you thought, that is so great. You just never know who is going to be there and who you might meet and really increase your social circle.

The vegan thing is going so well and yes, I love oreos too..vegan..yay! I have actually just started following a page on Instagram that is called accidentally vegan and it has all sorts of things that are vegan that you wouldn’t think were…interesting! I am not great at shopping either and always get trapped at gimic corner..lol..which is my word for all the things that the put at the ends of the aisles to trap people like me…

You sound so much happier and stronger and positive and I am so happy for you, and proud of you as this has not been an easy journey. But you have come so far and it really is like you have whole new eyes and can see the world differently, with you being a priority and that is awesome. I am sooo pleased to hear that you feel like your MH is in a good place too, albeit the new boss, she might be having first day itis I call it, you know when someone comes in all guns blazing and want to show how much they can make a difference, a little overwhelming to start with but hopefully she will calm down as time goes on.

So my son got his first job yesterday at Hungry Jack’s, I am so proud of him. He is a little nervous to start but I am sure he will be fine. He looks all grown up in his uniform…lol.

The smoke is worse today, although I think that they are predicting rain so I am hoping that it comes and hits the right areas and calms all this down.

I am so happy to hear that overall you are feeling like you are in a better space, that is so awesome Aaron.

Huge hugs as always

Sarah xxxx

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

Hope you had a nice weekend! I think I have a bit of Monday-itis today. It was so busy this weekend.

I saw my ex on Friday night, she wanted me to pop round. She was in a terrible mood, barely spoke to me. It made me really annoyed, I felt like I was wasting my time being there. We all have our ups and downs but it's not fair to take it out on other people! I asserted myself (I think) well and said that I'm not putting up with that behaviour. She later apologised, so that's good I guess. Still would've preferred not to deal with that.

On Saturday I had a classic car rally I participated in. The old Merc did really well - it had a slight misfire towards the end of the race but it hasn't done it since, so no idea what's going on there! Old cars... there's always something.

Later on Saturday I had a gig, usually I back other people, but for this gig I was the headline act. Scary! But it was really fun and went better than I had ever imagined. People stayed right to the very end. It was really validating to know that people actually like listening to me play.

You must be so proud of your son! That's fantastic. Good on him, he'll learn so many valuable skills. Future employers will look at him really favourably with all that experience he'll get!

I'm at my desk munching on Oreos... who would've guessed they're vegan?! They are very more-ish. I can easily devour an entire packet with next to no effort.

Did you have a nice weekend? Is it still really smoky there?

Aaron

xx

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

Great to chat to you again and yes Monday's are just the pits..lol..although today tends to be dragging a bit too, never mind, we will get through it.

That was pretty lousy of your ex to treat you like that when she asked you to come over, I am not sure why she would do that??? Well done though for saying that and I am glad that she saw her actions were not great and then apologized, that is so very strange that she would do that, ask you over then be rude....but as you said, in time you will perhaps just leave when that happens or even get to the point where you feel you may not actually want to drop in at all.

That is so awesome about the classic car rally, I am sure though that with vintage cars there is always going to be something as you said...it sounds like you had a really great time though and that is wonderful that you are getting out there and living life.

OMG..the headline act, that is awesome, should I be getting autographs now??? That is such a confidence boost for you and so awesome that you get the opportunity to showcase how good you are. That is awesome. Next time you are in Melb I will have to check it out!

My son did his first shift yesterday and is back to work today, he said it went well and he seemed really happy. He learnt how to make a cheeseburger and to wrap the burgers..lol..however he did do one upside down and with the wrapper in the wrong way that came back to the manager. He just laughed but said that in all his time no one has done that....lol.

YUM..yes Oreos are accidentally vegan which is awesome..I had them all over the top of my cake last week!! I ordered a choc caramel vegan cake and it was sooo good.

This weekend I am volunteering at the Aust Open for BB which will be awesome and I am really looking forward to that, do you have any plans for the long weekend?

Great to chat some more to you Aaron and you are sounding so much happier and stronger. I am so pleased for you I really am.

Hugs as always

Sarah xxx

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

So nice to hear from you - it's nice of you to say that I sound happier and stronger. I think I am for the most part. I have you to thank though for a huge part of that. Your endless patience and generosity in talking with me has helped me so much. I feel like I'm more assertive now and have a lot more clarity in my thoughts.

If my ex 'carries on' like that again I'm leaving. Honestly I don't know why she did that. She has always had a bad habit of taking out her stress/frustration with other issues on those around her. I suspect that's what was going on. I don't intend to deal with a repeat of it, I'll exit the situation if that happens. It's a really nasty way to treat someone... I've seen her treat her Dad like that too. It's so mean :-(.

The rally was super fun. It was great driving along being surrounded by other old cars. It made me feel like I've travelled back in time or something :-). Hoping the slight hiccup on my car doesn't resurface, I'm sure it's nothing major but these things seem to have a habit of costing money!

Being the headline act was so scary! I haven't done anything like that for a loooong time. I was really worried that people would become bored with my playing. The audience stayed right to the end so it can't have been too bad! It would be wonderful to do a gig in Melbourne like that. I'm going to try and get a few more down here in Hobart to get better practice in talking to the audience etc. I find that side of it the scariest.

So glad your son's first shift went well! We all make mistakes when learning a new job , but being able to laugh about it is such a good thing! Sounds like he has a good sense of humour.

How exciting! what a way to spend a weekend! Will you get to see many games while you're there? I'm gigging Saturday night but other than that have a free weekend! I'm currently building my first home so finances are tight - any plans I end up making will have to be cheap!

Hope you've had a good day so far , it's really hot and humid here in Hobart... thunderstorms predicted for tonight

Aaron

xx

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

What a lovely message and I am so happy to have been here to help you and support you through this time in your life, however, you have done the work my friend, you have had the hard conversations and you have made a path to strength and wellness for you, I am so very proud of you and you certainly do sound so much happier and stronger and you can see the behaviors clearly and can make a call on how that makes you feel and that is so very empowering. That is pretty rough that she is so mean to her dad, I think she probably has some issues that she needs to deal with, but that is her journey now and she can either continue on like this or she can address it and live with the repercussions.

My son has now worked two shifts with today being the third, he has gone really well and he is saying things like "oh I get why you look forward to Friday"...I almost fell off the chair....he has worked two 4 hour shifts...lol..ahh well at least he is enjoying it and learning new things and making some new friends so that is all good in itself.

Oh I forgot about your house, how exciting, how is it coming along and do you have a date when you expect it to be finished by? Wow, how wonderful that you are doing that. Buying new furniture and all those nice things to put in your home..how cool.

I got a really nice message today on messenger from a girl I don't even know who went to uni with my brother, she told me all about how is death impacted her and how he has changed her life for the better and how wonderful he was but also that she realized she was not living her true life and was being something that uni wanted her to be and not her. She is making some changes to her life now and she wanted to share with me how much Aaron changed her life in a good way. It has really made my day to hear that even 6 months on he is still thought about by others and has made a positive impact on some people, that really made my heart feel good. Just wanted to share that with you.

It is cool and really windy here in Melbourne today so I am looking forward already to going home, hot shower, some vegan delights..lol..and watching some tennis....nice!

Hope you are having a great week Aaron.

Your friend

Sarah xxxx

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

Your so right - they are her issues that she has to deal with. It's not really a concern of mine. We are all different I realise, but there is no way I could treat anyone like that ever! Thank you for helping me gain the strength to have those hard conversations. I feel like I'm in a much better place now than before. It's good to see things as they actually are.

At the moment my Mum's 91 year old dad is staying with us - he was living in QLD but he's come down to Hobart, he wants to find a retirement village to live in down here. He's amazingly fit for his age. He's very grumpy though! It's been a bit of a challenge dealing with that - I don't really get time to myself at the moment.

Hahaha! Sounds like your son is learning about the rigours of the working life! I remember when I started my first full time job, it was such a huge shock to the system. I found it horrible at first.... it took quite a while to get used to.

No idea when the house will be finished - I am guessing maybe March or April? It's not far away.
Lots of things to buy, no idea where I'm going to get the money for all that stuff haha! It's so exciting though. Just having my own space will be nice. Never really had that before!

That message you got sounds so lovely. It's beautiful when people send you something like that, completely unprompted... your brother would have affected so many people. It's so nice that he made such an impression on someone.

Today it is getting close to 40 degrees in Hobart... I've got to drive the Merc back from my mechanic friend's place this afternoon... old car/no aircon/40 degree day... this won't be fun!! Will have all the windows down and my head out the window like a dog... probably with my tongue hanging out too 😛

Hope you've had a nice week ... so glad it's the weekend coming up!

Aaron

xxxx

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

I am so very very sorry for the tardy reply, I have been hammering away here and mean every day to send you a note and the time gets me by..so here I am....I am so sorry.

I hope the week is going well for you so far, is your granddad still staying with you and how has the house hunting been going for him? I hope it has made him less grumpy...lol...I guess though at 91 he has had a great life and seen and experienced alot so if he wants to be grumpy from time to time, who are we to say he cant...lol

My son is really enjoying his job, he has made some friends and they actually have a good time, learning new stuff and hanging out and then feeling the pressure of the rush when heaps of people come in to get burgers and he is all in a flap..lol..he comes home smelling like a deep fryer but that is all to be expected. He is loving getting his pay and is saving up for the Playstation 5 that is apparently coming out soon..lol

Not too far away until that house of yours is ready, how very exciting and you really wont know yourself having your own space and doing exactly what you like, having your music up and just enjoying your own privacy and your own place to do what you like when you like, how refreshing..oh and no grumpy granddads...lol

Hope the Merc is going well and is all better after she has come home from the mechanics? I am sure that you have been out and enjoying a weekend drive, so very cool. The weather here is better this week, not so temperamental...it has been so very weird, hot then raining then windy and dust storms, mother nature is not happy!!

I am off to Canberra tomorrow to see Ru Pauls drag race show with some of my friends so that will be awesome, looking forward to an extended weekend. Have you got any plans for this weekend?

Hope everything this going well with you and that you are feeling happy and that you are feeling stronger.

I had the most horrific night with my son, he popped in to collect the X box and he was going on about things and how he is struggling with his dad, he ended the conversation with a sentence that I can not write here, but it was essentially how my brother died, he said it as a throw away comment but I was soo triggered and lost it completely and was hysterical....I had to talk to him about what he said and why he said it and I understood he was trying to create impact and it was a throw away comment but HE CANNOT SAY THAT TO ME...wow..what a night.

Huge hugs to you Aaron xx

Chat soon

Sarah xxx

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah 🙂

No need to apologise!! You're a busy person! Now I'm the one with the tardy reply 🙂 Things have been a bit hectic at work lately.

Grandad still living with us at the moment. He get's very angry/irritable at times which can be hard. It's mainly directed at my mum. He has always been a difficult person but the older he gets the more stubborn and unreasonable he becomes! He means well though, it's just hard him staying in the same house. I'm sure I'll be a grump old fella one day too!

Glad your son's job is going well! That's great. It's great he can start saving up for things. He'll start to learn the value of money too once he's earning it himself. You must be so proud! I remember back when the Playstation 2 was the big thing... a long time ago haha!

The house is going well, hopefully it will be done soon. Definitely craving my own space. Right now at home I'm more or less confined to one room if I want some time to myself..

Car is all sorted - distributor was a bit mucky. All good now. Went for a nice drive on the weekend. My ex has been down in the dumps in a big way. She's not coping with work pressures. I took her on that drive with me to get her out of the house. I think she has fairly severe depression. I found that rather draining but she was feeling heaps better after an outing. I know at some point I'm going to need to step away. How/when is the hard part.

OMG I am so sorry to hear about that nasty run-in with your son. That sounds awful. I'm sure he meant no malice but it's such an insensitive thing to say! I'm sure most people would have flipped in a situation like that, I know that I would've for sure. You must have been exhausted after that.

Sending you lots of hugs Sarah

Aaron

xx