I Choose To Survive (Battling anxiety, depression & avpd)

[Emmy.]

I believe that I wasn’t meant for this world. I feel misunderstood by those around me. I feel I am a burden. But I choose to survive for my husband.

So a little about me... I’m 35, married to my soul mate - he is my everything. No kids (yet... maybe ever due to my physical and mental health).

2013 is that year... that year that marks the before and the after. Experienced my first ever panic attack whilst away celebrating my 30th birthday. The attacks continued (still do) and in June 2013 my GP prescribed me with anti-depressants and referred me to a psychologist. My psychologist diagnosed me with generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) & depression. I was told I have no self-worth or self-confidence and a fear of rejection & abandonment. My world grew dark.. very dark. I wanted out!

Anxiety has always played its part in my life, possibly a genetic predisposition as there’s much history of mental illness within our family. I’ve lost my Pop & Uncle to suicide and my dear Grandma suffered many years with agoraphobia (something I’m developing tendencies of).

Then tragically in 2014 my mother died very suddenly, she’d not been ill. My world fell apart. I retreated from everyone and everything. Had to quit my job as my GP and psychologist were concerned I’d have a breakdown. Some days I wouldn’t leave the safety of my bedroom, wouldn’t shower, wouldn’t even brush my teeth! My husband had to help dress me on my really bad days.

Having made little progress with my psychologist I was further referred to a psychiatrist. He reviewed my medication, also diagnosed me with avoidant personality disorder (AvPD) and I opened up about self harm behaviours I’ve battled with for quite some time.

It’s been almost 5 years of battling my demons. I need to work on the past traumas that have caused this, but I’ve been told I’m not strong enough yet. I still see my psychologist & psychiatrist each month and still take my medications. I know this is just my life now.

I’ve come back to beyond blue as I’m needing a safe place to talk and some support... I’m not doing too well. Life is pushing down on me once again and I feel like I can’t breathe.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, it means a lot.

[White_Rose]

Hello Emmy

First off I must apologise for giving you the impression that you should have made better progress. It really was not my intention and certainly I am not qualified to make that kind of suggestion. I went to a psychiatrist for seven years and felt I was no nearer being well than before I met him. It's true I was very suicidal and that dissipated over time but there was no sense of sorting myself out, understanding what was happening and little idea of what was wrong. Oh yes I had a diagnosis but I have come to believe they are pointless. Someone who is diagnosed with X is immediately stuck with all the symptoms listed for X in DSM V. This is not necessarily so. It is then disheartening to try and get over some symptoms accredited to you but which in reality do not apply. Stupid.

My GP managed my MH and I was far better with her. I felt I could talk about anything and she was not judgemental. These are important characteristics when you have a MH problem. A few years ago she referred me to another psychiatrist and I have learned and absorbed so much and a bit cranky I did not have this treatment with the other psych.

It's nice you have found a book club. What do you find difficult about joining? At first I was a bit shy about giving my opinion. It was easier for me as I was invited to a book club with people I already knew. Starting totally from scratch is much harder. Can you contact the person who runs the group and perhaps meet with her for a chat about how the book club works. All groups have different ways of operating. This person can then introduce you to the group and it is more comfortable.

Can you sew? I learned embroidery at school and I simply sewed when I felt like it. I tried different types of embroidery such as cross stitch which I had not come across. Because I had a good basis I was able to teach myself with no problems. If you join a group you will find they will help you if you get stuck. I expect they will talk a lot which means you can listen without comment. If you can already sew, complete something small at home and then join the group. As before, see who you can contact and talk it over.

Our past experiences have a huge influence on our present lives and we often do not realise how far that extends. When you feel like it ask one or other of your psychs to start talking about it. Find a small area to discuss. Do you have any pets? How would you feel about having a dog? Lots of pluses there. Write more later.

Mary

[Ggrand]

Hello Emmy,

Just popping in to wish you luck, probably to late to say to you with a lot of warmth and care for you..Please be open and honest with your psych..I'm only saying this because they cannot help you properly if The don't know everything your feeling, thinking or going through... Good luck🐿..

Grandy..

[startingnew]

HI Emmy

i imagine your feeling pretty tired and drained after your psychiatrist but i hope it was helpful and you felt comfortable talking to him as well. sitting with you, offerring a shoulder to lean against and a hand to hold.

hugs xoxoxo

[Chloe_M]

Hi Em, hope you're feeling okay xx

❤️

[Music_Freak]

Hi Emmy,

Just popping in to say hi since you haven't been around for a bit. And to add that I hope you're feeling OK and the psychiatrist session wasn't too rough for you 🙂

[Emmy.]

Hi everyone.

So sorry I’ve not been around. Still feeling exhausted from yesterday’s session with my psychiatrist. I’ll hopefully reply to everyone’s messages later tonight.

Going out for a family dinner tonight. Should be nice.

Hope you’re all doing ok. I’ll pop into everyone’s threads before I go out.

Love & big hugs to all. Xx

[Ggrand]

Hello Emmy,

Just rest and relax before your family dinner tonight. I know after my psych appointment, My emotions are exhausted, I go down and am quiet..So please take care of you first..

I really hope you have a good time tonight...

caring hugs..🤗🤗

Grandy..

[Guest8901]

I understand your exhaustion from psych sessions Ems, so no problem for not being around subsequent to that.

Enjoy the family dinner.

Amanda

[startingnew]

Hi Emmy

No pressure to write when your not up for it. i hope you have a good night out xox

[smallwolf]

Hi Emmy,

Hope you have a wonderful dinner. Is it like a reward after your psych session?

Smallwolf